The Lovely Porn Video I Found On My Computer

Old 07-26-2004, 08:49 PM
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The Lovely Porn Video I Found On My Computer

I am so furious right now. My husband and I just spent a couple of hours negotiating a contract to each other in order to prevent us from separating. We meet with our couples therapist who recommended the separation on Wednesday.

So I come back upstairs to my computer to log on to the South Beach Diet website so that I can find a recipe for my ricotta cheese only to discover that I somehow haven't bookmarked the site. I look in my internet explorer history folder trying to find the link and what do I find? A site called CheyenneXXX. I'm saying to myself, what the heck is this.

As I am about to click on the link, my husband comes into the room. "Did you use my computer last week and visit this CheyenneXXX web site?" I ask him. He looks puzzled and is like, "what is that?" So I click on the link and what pops up in my windows media player? Some chick frolicking around naked in a bathtub. So I ask again, "Did you use my computer?" He's like, "well, it just happened once after I took apart my computer..." I'm like, "you used MY computer for PORN?" And he mumbles something about being upset after he broke down his computer and how he confessed this to his sponsor. Whatever.

I must be the dumbest person on the planet. I honestly thought that I didn't need to lock up my computer. I thought he was ready to move past this internet porn craziness. But no, not even.

I'm just too upset to even cry. I keep wondering why I keep trying to salvage a marriage to someone who I cannot trust and who is addicted to looking at women on the internet while neglecting his wife. What am I doing? So what, we love each other. Is it worth it to put up with this crap?

I called him a lying piece of crap. He says, "no, I'm an addict."

Oh, so that gives you a get out of jail free card, does it? That makes it all better, huh? I don't think so.

What the heck am I doing here?
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:32 PM
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teendoc, It sounds like you and I are in the same boat. My AH is also addicted to internet porn. I somehow ended up with 112 viruses on my computer and had to spend $70 for software to destroy them. I have forbid him to use my computer and believe me I check everyday! I don't know what's wrong with them. It seems like they always have to be addicted to something. It's bad enough he has the drinking on the weekends, but now the porn. I work nights so his excuse is "Well you're not here so I have to do something". Why can't he just watch tv and go to bed like a normal human being?!! I don't know why I stay with him either except that when he's sober, he's a great person. It's the drunk that I can't stand. Why is it that we are the ones who have to do all the trying to make our marriages work? I thought marriage was supposed to be an equal partnership. Mine seems pretty one sided and I really don't see him doing anything to make it any better. I guess some day when we are ready and get enough courage we will leave. I just keep hoping that better days are coming. Hang in there and stick with this forum. There's alot of people out there that really understand and care.
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:32 PM
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if you don't like it than why are you still around. Personally I have heard of worse things that someone who looks at porn on the internet.
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:35 PM
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bliss, looking at porn is a form of betrayal and that is a real no no in my book.
but I guess that's just my opinion.
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:59 PM
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Bliss- I am with amarie on this one. Also I don't believe that was the most supportive comment I have heard here. People come here for support and understanding...if you don't agree then move on to a different post that has a message in it to better your life or learn from- I don't think we should be judging others betrayals and say we have "heard of worse things" Of course there are worse things, but for Teendoc this is a very hard part of her relationship and she is working hard to make things work for her and her husband.
Teendoc- My husband also looks at porn on the internet- it has been a point of contention in our relationship too. Our sex life has never been frequent, and I feel betrayed when I see that he has looked at porn, but doesn't even want to have sex with me. I just don't understand it. I have always put it on myself that I am just insecure, but I think if our sex life and marriage was better maybe I wouldn't care so much...My situation is a little different than you tho' because he isn't addicted to porn. I know that puts a more serious spin on your dilema. Hang in there! And don't feel like you aren't safe here to share. Hugs!
Di
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Old 07-26-2004, 11:58 PM
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called him a lying piece of crap. He says, "no, I'm an addict."
now that is just ridiculous! i am an addict, and am trying very hard not to play the addict card. yes, i believe its a card. for a certain amount of time, the addict card helped me. but, its no excuse. i believe addiction is what DonS says, "a maladaptive behavior". i am an addict, but that is just a label i use to explain my old behaviors. and as for playing the card ... i have become very black and white about that. accepting responsibility is key for me to stay on track and keep the focus on myself, not on why my mom got mad because i got arrested. my mom has a right to be mad, and now its time for me to do another 360. i have 18 months clean, and the incident has nothing to do with drugs. but i am working hard at not playing "the addict" card. im looking deep into my crap and digging around for solutions. from the drug i used, i may have psychosis. great. its cool though, because i can take a pill and get my mind back in order. while that may have played a part in the arrest, it has nothing to do with the addict card. can you tell i hate that? LOL. it has to do with my not taking care of my mental state much earlier and that is my responsibility. okay sorry for rambling!
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Old 07-27-2004, 12:00 AM
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(((Teendoc)))
ok hun, take a deep breathe, you are doing just what you need to do, vent. I am glad to see you do that because it's when you don't that the trouble starts. Know that you have every right to be upset and every right to react the way you did. From your post:
"I called him a lying piece of crap. He says, "no, I'm an addict."

Oh, so that gives you a get out of jail free card, does it? That makes it all better, huh? I don't think so."

Ok, read that again, he is admitting he is an addict. Step 1 tells us to admit we are powerless and our lives have become unmanagable. He is powerless over his addiction, you are powerless to control him. He knows he has done wrong by you, and he knows that you can't just forget it and let it go. Now you will probebly have to lock your computer, that is the natural consequence of his action. This is what he will have to endure, your lack of trust in him, because of this. It is letting him face the consequences of his action.


Ok again:
""Did you use my computer?" He's like, "well, it just happened once after I took apart my computer..." I'm like, "you used MY computer for PORN?" And he mumbles something about being upset after he broke down his computer and how he confessed this to his sponsor. Whatever."
You have no way of knowing if this is the truth or not because no sponser I know of would ever betray confidential information given to them. He is saying he did use your comp for porn, felt guilty about it and talked to his sponser because he saw he had done the wrong thing. That seems to be a step in the right direction, he felt guilty and seeked out his sponser. You won't be able to monitor him all the time, you can't, but it looks like maybye he has an inner voice coming through thats telling him "Hey bud, you just screwed up, what are you going to do about it now?"

You are not the dumbest person in the world, if you are then all of the rest of us are right there with you. I am not condoning what he did, he was wrong and that can't be disputed. What I am attempting to do is point out some things that appear to be going right and heading in the right direction. When your in love with an addict and trying to work things out, every positive step counts. This may happen again, it may even happen more than once before he can get it right. You need to focus more on you, how you feel, how you think, how you react to him. How you are letting this affect you and look into ways to deal effectivly with that reaction. This is no different than an alcoholic who has been caught having a drink. And in this program it is about YOU and how you react to it. I hope this has been a little bit of help to you, we are rooting for you here, know that your not alone. Keep talking and keep trying, many hugs to you...Teggie
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Old 07-27-2004, 03:30 AM
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You could install "Net-Nanny" , I do that for my kids.
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Old 07-27-2004, 03:54 AM
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teendoc,I have had some what of a problem like you had. My husband and internet porn. 19 months ago...the police showed up at our house...searched it for porn..arrested my husband..took him to station. They took the computer..which we did not get back!!! My husband was released and gave a caution. I am still shocked and upset by this stituation. It is so embarassing.....humiliating to have some strangers going through all your personal belongings..while I am sitting in the living room,with the team leader police. I am in my pjs...and I am in a stunned,shocked state. Took them three hours to complete their search. My husband is now on a register list for the next five years and he has to report to the police every time he moves or stays gone more then three days from home. He can't visit the United States because he can't stay out of this country more then 7 days. So all I can say is...I hate internet porn. Lock your computer..do whatever it takes...unless you want to take a chance with the police paying you a visit and taking your computer. I will never get over this. My husband won't admit he has any type problem. But believe me he does. Today is my fifth wedding anniversary and I am wanting to be back in the United States...but have nothing back there to come back to. My age,no job..all play a big part in my decisions. Will suffer it out here. One good thing is this computer is mine...and its LOCKED!!
I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me...just trying to get a point across. Don't let him play games with you. You will be the one in the end to get HURT!!
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Old 07-27-2004, 04:56 AM
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Hi teendoc,

I've been reading your posts since you joined a week or so ago. So I know that you are intelligent and thoughtful and that you are working hard to feel better about yourself and your relationship.

I can also understand how you feel about the porn and the feelings of betrayal because I've felt them all. My SO is an internet porn addict. As if the alcoholism wasn't enough we had to throw the porn addiction in just to keep things interesting???
I felt so ashamed, alone, hurt, not good enough, not pretty enough and all the other self loathing things you can feel. I felt stupid and used.

Then there was the guilt for him about his actions which I think only put more distance between us. After years of asking him to see my side of things I've only recently started to piece together what it must feel like to walk in his shoes. -If your SO is already pissed at you for something you can't control its so much easier to make exuses to yourself about other bad behavior. Lies come a little easier, drinking eases the pain of looking at yourself in the mirror and why should you care because your SO is just going to pressure you and guilt you into doing something other than what you want to do right now.

When I started to think about what he might be going through his head, I realized that I was like the jail keeper. I didn't have anything to do with the crime but I was constantly there to remind him he should be punished. Even though I love him and what he did to me was wrong I wasn't helping the situation I was just controlling it. We were both so miserable.

I'm not better now. Each day doesn't have joy or hope yet. I haven't found the lightning bolt to fix me or him. I do know that like the alcohol I can't control this addiction for him. I can't understand it, or feel it from the inside because I don't have it. I can't cure it. And, I didn't cause it. All I can do is hope (working on this everyday) that one day he will see that his life could be free of all the -ism's all the controls that make him regret and all the guilt he lives with everyday now.

I went to my second alanon meeting tonight. I'm learning that I have so much to learn and that it's going to take time. I can't expect to feel better right away just because I have some small understanding of my part in the disease. I can't expect at all, as a matter of fact. I just have to let it be. I have to find a way to let the old pain go and not sit on it like it's my badge of courage so that I can show others how horrible and unjust he has been to me.

I will try to never lock my computer again. If he is willing to risk getting caught on my computer then the problem is out of his control. I don't need to add to his pile of shame and guilt.

I will try to make sure that I am working on myself and my issues and if that means that I can't be around him until I am sure that I am in control of my anger, and pain then I understand that I have to come to terms with that.

I love him and this hurts. It stinks but I am choosing to try to be well for myself and my kids. I'm going to work the steps and keep going to meetings.

For anyone who doesn't know, I found a support network for co-sex addicts called COSA. ***** has a discussion board just like this one but you must go through the process of being accepted as a member and it takes about 4-5 days but it has helped me too. I'm going to try to go to my first COSA meeting tonight.

Thanks for letting me ramble on tonight everyone. It feels so good to get this out.

Teendoc - you have a big hug from me. Hang in there even when it doesn't feel like you can hang on for another second.

Marci
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Old 07-27-2004, 07:01 AM
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Teendoc,

I can certainly relate to your post. I am married to a sex addict. We just separated last week, after 2 years of attending meetings, etc for both of us.

I, too, was affected by the post:
Originally Posted by bliss
if you don't like it than why are you still around. Personally I have heard of worse things that someone who looks at porn on the internet.
Like all addictions, sex addiction starts somewhere. How many people who do a line of cocaine at a party, or take a few pills think they will someday be stealing for their next hit of heroine?

It is progressive, and as it progresses the addict does things he never thought he would do.

There are a couple of "anon" groups specifically for families and friends of sex addicts, S-Anon and COSA. By attending S-Anon, I have found support and people who understand as perhaps few can.

Your Husband does not have a "get out of jail free" card. But you can start ending the madness for you by doing something for you, and maybe attending a group would help.

I remember feeling as if I was the dumbest person on earth for a long time. Now, I just have acceptance. I wanted to believe my husband was this great husband, father, etc., so I made it so in my mind. My denial was phenominal.

Cat
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Old 07-27-2004, 08:19 AM
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I want to thank you all so much for your replies. I have been dealing with these feelings for so long all alone that it is wonderful to now have a community to which I can vent when the frustration becomes too much. I only hope that I can soon learn the skills and wisdom that would allow me to offer support to others in return.

At the risk of sharing TMI, I would explain to people like Bliss that porn addictions can indeed be quite destructive, both to the addict and to people s/he loves. My husband has created a completely dysfunctional relationship with sex. He has an extreme type of *****-Madonna complex. He is unclear where this stemmed from. But the more he loves someone, the less able he is to be sexually intimate with her. For him, sexual behavior was about release/escape for him only. The other person was like a masturbatory doll for him to work with. Sex had no intimacy, no mutuality, and no emotion. Honestly it became something much easier for him to deal with when he was alone, stoned and watching internet porn. Interestingly, he wouldn't do this when he was horny. He did it when stressed, upset, or angry, as a way of relieving tension.

So when we were dating, we both were quick to realize that this is a major problem for our relationship. His inability to connect intimacy with his sexual release was problematic. He is the most affectionate, demonstrative man (sometimes overly demonstrative) but when we attempted to have sex, he could barely function. He was happy to please me but his true arousal remained connected to that solo, computer-porn-assisted onanism.

We went to sex therapy, did lots of exercises and were able to have some improvement. Yet it was clear from the therapist that he had to stop the counterproductive behaviors, and focus on relearning the connection between intimacy and sex. He tried to give it up, but was always having slips during times of stress. Finally he installed an accountability program on his computer such that whenever he visited a site, his sponsor would get an e-mail. That helped decrease his urge tremendously, by report.

But last Thursday he broke down his computer and put it in the basement. I guess he started jonesing for the computer and broke down and used mine (something he says he hasn't done before since his whole ritual related to his computer, his desk chair, etc.) This upsets me on so many levels. First that I was brought into it again. For some reason (probably related to self-esteem and desirability issues) this addiction of his bothers me more than any of the others I have found. I almost feel like I am in competition with those, as Day so aptly put it, airbrushed skanks! Intellectually, I do know better, but somehow this behavior makes me feel so wounded. Add to this that we have been trying to conceive for almost a year now but have to rely on artificial measures mostly because he is still rarely able to finish during intercourse (not to mention that I am 41 and the eggs are old). I just want this area to get better, in addition to the other dysfunctions. And I realize that they are all tied together. Helping one helps them all.

My husband is at the core a good man. This is not self-delusion. I know this in my heart. I also know that he has developed these addictive behaviors because of his personal history. This doesn't excuse the behaviors, but I know that he came by them honestly. I feel him struggling to rid himself of his demons. I never get the sense that he is manipulating or playing me. He so wants to get better to have the life together that we hoped for on our wedding day. He is just struggling to get there. I know he is trying so hard and not just telling me that he is trying. It is just that I feel I'm running out of patience during the process.

Yet I must say that having understanding support groups in my life, like I now have (as of this past week), makes a lot of difference. I can vent, read others words and experiences, and decompress. I feel much more balanced today than I have after other slips. For that I owe you all much thanks.

Marci & Catlady: Thank you both for sharing the information about COSA and Sex-Anon. That will also be helpful.

My computer is now locked. I did it both because of my needs and his request. I cannot face the thought of finding more material and he does not want the temptation since he knows that he is not able to resist as much as he had hoped. I used a program called Lock my PC which is more than a net nanny. The computer will not work unless the password is entered. Sure he could try to crack it, but in the time it takes to crack it, he might look at the wedding picture on my desk and say, "what the heck am I doing?" Or he might not. In any event, it will be on him. I've done what I can for me.

I know I am being so redundant, but thank you all so much. I feel much more at peace now.
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Old 07-27-2004, 04:42 PM
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perspective...

As a teen I heard these words that later in life helped me find perspective.....

" what's the big deal it is all just skin" words came from a well endowed girl who was being goggled over by one of the guys in the group. I think those words were a major part of me finding the internet porn stuff boring in short time.
My becoming a Christian, my looking inside self, my finding how selfish I was, my seeing that the steps do work and using them...
A realization that I needed change is the only thing that allowed change in me.
Be it sex, porn, alcohol, drugs, selfish behavior.... Till the one who needs change comes to the realization that they need change.... nothing will change.

Boundaries for our own well being. Changes in ourselves as we interact with others.
We can't control others, we can control our own perspective and do what we need do for self.
Stand firm, hold my ground and not let others cause stress in me.
Learning as I go, as I hope all others are as well.

and yes porn is wrong
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Old 07-27-2004, 04:58 PM
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I am sorry that you are hurting.
My ex A didnt have any "unusual" sexual hang ups while we were together...... BUT ...........because of all of his drug use he couldnt perform well and didnt have much desire to make love.
This hurt beyond belief. I am a very passionate woman and this KILLED my self esteem. I feel your pain. EVERY person wants to feel desired. I am so sorry.
Big Hugs
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Old 07-27-2004, 10:05 PM
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I just wanted to add that sex addiction isn't a real popular thing to talk about. I was very surprised to find out how many people either have dealt with it in their lives in the past or are dealing with it now. I also am starting to think that for some the addiction to alcohol and the addiction to sex can play off each other.

I'm not sure what the big deal is with it, but I'm living, breathing, sad proof it is a very big deal.

M
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Old 07-27-2004, 10:30 PM
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My wife asked me what I think of when I see a really hot chick, I tell her its like seeing some really fine expensive car.

I wouldn't want to have to own it, or to keep it forever or pay the insurance on it.
"I just want to take it AROUND THE BLOCK ONCE, TO SEE HOW SHE RIDES"
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Old 07-27-2004, 10:38 PM
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It's late, so I won't make this long...porn addiction....it's a high for some, then when they can't get that high, or it doesn't get high enough they find something to satisfy that want. My ex: porn...6 months later had to take a job out of town, and had no computer, so guess what satisfied his addiction...nude bars....then sleeping with the bar maids, then turning to methanphetamines. It got him a divorce...

I give you my support on this, 100%
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Old 07-27-2004, 11:27 PM
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Ok, maybe I am taking this all wrong, but I feel that the reply by birddog was just purely uncalled for. Maybe it's just me, but I found that remark offensive. Maybe it's the impending full moon.......
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Old 07-27-2004, 11:34 PM
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I find it offensive that somebody would get so upset over a bookmark to a girlie website, come on.
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Old 07-28-2004, 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Birddog
I find it offensive that somebody would get so upset over a bookmark to a girlie website, come on.
Birddog try role reversal. Try to see it as how you would act if it was happening to you.
Wife spends 2 hours at the computer looking at other guys on line. When you go out to dinner, you see her eyes google at every guy who walks by. You get home with hopes of some thing happening when you go to bed and she says....Not tonight. I don't feel like it or says... Well OK! if we have to. Fakes sleep so she doesn't need deal with your asking.
May not bother you once or twice or may bother you the very first time.
Think of how you would feel after a month of such.
If one bookmark is ok, why not 10? How about a home page that takes you direct when you turn on the computer?
It isn't so much my actions but how my actions affect those around me that would make them improper in a marriage.
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