aslon

Hi All,

Have been lurking here for a good while, and am grateful that there is a support network like this available

I am very uncomfortable around my BF when he is drinking, which is more nights of the week then not.
After reading this forum for a while I found the courage to let him know how I feel about it. I was very careful to not point fingers and put 'focus' on him (have tried that before and he shuts down or just gives me excuse after excuse, quacks etc). We both have families with addiction problems so we both know the damage it causes. I explained that I was really uncomfortable with it - he demanded to know what exactly was the problem and tried to focus on my family members, that he would spend his time in the pub instead then, is that what I wanted! I said I didn't think that I should have to chose between him drinking at home or him drinking in the pub...why were they my only 2 choices! I found myself saying I was uncomfortable with the fact he was drinking alone and more nights then not etc - anyway. after a long talk, I just said that it is my problem and that I would have to think long and hard about whether I wanted to live like that. So for a few nights he brought his beers with him to his computer room so i wouldn't have to 'see him drink'!!
That has since stopped....so at the end of my rope, I asked his sister (who is a recovery coach) if she could say anything to him, or I would have to end the relationship... I don't know if she has said anything to him, but he is still drinking....
my question is, do you think it would be OK or more damaging for me to leave the house when he is drinking, spend the nights away in my family home (where I grew up and still have brothers living there)...so if I am not there 5 nights a week it might make him realise how much he is actually drinking...thing is, I have to take his car...I am thinking if he argues with that, that I will argue back that he won't be able to use it...
Is this my way of looking for an argument so we will break up because I have kind of given up on it? I lost my mother 22 weeks ago and I just can't deal with any more drama...
Thanks in advance for any advice, a better way to go about this or general thoughts.
x

AnvilheadII

if you leave, do it for YOU, not for what impact you might think it has on him. and if you find you need to leave more often than you stay......that says a whole lot.

I am so sorry about your mom. losing a parent is quite enough to deal with, without having your home "infected" with drunken debauchery. i''m glad you have the family home to go to and your brothers. that might be where you really need to be.

time will tell. stay safe. have a plan.

ladyscribbler

If you don't feel comfortable around him when he drinks, then you don't have to be around him when he's drinking. That's your choice. He doesn't sound like he's ready to stop.
You have a right to end any relationship, any time, for any reason. You don't have to wait for a big emotional blowout to give yourself permission to break up with somebody. I used to feel the same way. There had to be some big "event" to justify ending a relationship, even if I was unhappy, I tended to stay stuck.
Sorry for the loss of your mother. It doesn't sound like your bf is very emotionally supportive. Being around your brothers might be what you need right now.
Hugs and welcome.

maia1234

Aslon, good for you doing your homework and trying to help yourself.

I don't think he is anywhere near hitting rock bottom to stop drinking. So thinking that if you leave and he will have an epiphany and want to stop drinking is a dream. He drinks because he is an alcoholic, and that's what they do.

You can see how much pain an addict can cause love ones, from these many threads. If I knew 34 years ago about the pain the addiCT would have caused in my life, i would have hopefully run. ALCOHOLISM is progressive, and only gets worse. It hurts everyone in their path.

Do what you need to do for you. Help yourself because you can never help the addict as they need to do this on their own. I am sorry for being so tough but you aren't married, you have no kids together, you can still run. Good luck to you.

Readysteady

It's good that you have someplace to stay. Your home should be a place to have peace at the end of the day. I'm in a similar jam myself.

BoxinRotz

There were times I left our home to get away from the drunken rages. 5 nights a week? No. Maybe a night or 2. If you are bent on showing him that you'll not be there if he's drinking 5-7 days a week, don't count on him giving a rat's a$$ because he won't. He'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner. He does NOT need you interfering with his boozing. Lets just be real here.

My condolences on the loss of your mom.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and I can tell you that I knew exactly how much I was drinking and I bet he does too. He just doesn't want to stop and until I was ready I didn't want to stop either.

Alcoholism is progressive and usually gets worse before it gets better. Another question to ask yourself is how many years and for how long are you willing to leave your house every time he is drinking? There is no way you should have to live this way, this is your home. And as someone pointed out it's your sanctuary.

So sorry to hear about your mom. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to look after yourself FIRST. This is very important, don't lose yourself in his addiction because you very much matter. Please always remember this.

FeelingGreat

aslon, Lady in BC said it well, and as a former alcho I agree. He will be well aware of what he's drinking, and it's long term effects, but if he's not ready to stop he's going to be very defensive about it as well. If someone had tried to keep me away from the bottle before I was ready, I would have been hostile to them.

I don't think you leaving the house is sustainable 4-5 times a night, and frankly your ABF will probably drink even more without you there. Consider your future with him. I know this is hard right now, so take your time, but also be realistic that he won't change his mind about drinking for you.

If circumstances allow, maybe you can plan for a quiet non-dramatic retreat.

hopeful4

Do whatever you need to do for your own sanity, and don't expect it to change his actions at all. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Thumper

I used that method and then the seasons changed and it got freaking cold and dark at the park 5 nights a week with two kids and two toddlers. We were also well sick and tired of being away from home so much.

For sure leave if that is what keeps you peaceful but don't think it is going to change him. If he noticed we were gone at all (not sure) it was probably to relish the peace and quiet.

It was a short term solution for me. I *needed* to be away from the drunk him but I knew I wasn't going to live with that set up for long.

hopeful4

Same for me Thumper. I got sick of that really quickly, as did my kids.