Set a boundary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Set a boundary
Today I set another boundary with a RAD.
It was about some choices she has made with regard to actions she took with a younger brother and allowing him to live with her and choosing to blame me for all the family problems (they are many and mostly addiction related--she is an ex crystal meth addict) and I have been working on this boundary setting as I realized that not only can I not do anything to really help my current active AD (went through all kinds of craziness to try and it took me down) but that this daughter's continuing anger over my interventions when she was a teenager...she is now 28 were also just draining me...and that I had no family support.
Today I practiced setting a boundary instead of being my empathethic and loving self (I did that but it didn't work...she sucks that up and then insists that it is all my fault and I need to fix it)...and finally told her that what she wants me to do is exactly what I did for and with her and it didn't work...and why would I want to repeat that?
I pulled myself out of the inner shaking and lack of confidence to do that...and just did my best. I told her what I was going to do with my 20 year old adult son a year ago when he figured out that he could live easier with her...that when irresponsible...he would have to find his own place to live (have had 3 of 5 addict children in last 19 years...and I finally had to learn in the last year that I cannot help them by having them live with me, giving them money, so many things...and have joined naranon because all my other work and programs just didn't work well enough anymore).
She responded Okay. She is an crystal meth addict and the amount of blame and anger that I have allowed myself to be affected by in the past 8 years has been overwhelming...so to get this answer made me feel stronger within myself...as I already know that I am so beat down...and the pre-existing issues including an active AD and work are already overwhelming and taking all of my program and I need more.
It was about some choices she has made with regard to actions she took with a younger brother and allowing him to live with her and choosing to blame me for all the family problems (they are many and mostly addiction related--she is an ex crystal meth addict) and I have been working on this boundary setting as I realized that not only can I not do anything to really help my current active AD (went through all kinds of craziness to try and it took me down) but that this daughter's continuing anger over my interventions when she was a teenager...she is now 28 were also just draining me...and that I had no family support.
Today I practiced setting a boundary instead of being my empathethic and loving self (I did that but it didn't work...she sucks that up and then insists that it is all my fault and I need to fix it)...and finally told her that what she wants me to do is exactly what I did for and with her and it didn't work...and why would I want to repeat that?
I pulled myself out of the inner shaking and lack of confidence to do that...and just did my best. I told her what I was going to do with my 20 year old adult son a year ago when he figured out that he could live easier with her...that when irresponsible...he would have to find his own place to live (have had 3 of 5 addict children in last 19 years...and I finally had to learn in the last year that I cannot help them by having them live with me, giving them money, so many things...and have joined naranon because all my other work and programs just didn't work well enough anymore).
She responded Okay. She is an crystal meth addict and the amount of blame and anger that I have allowed myself to be affected by in the past 8 years has been overwhelming...so to get this answer made me feel stronger within myself...as I already know that I am so beat down...and the pre-existing issues including an active AD and work are already overwhelming and taking all of my program and I need more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Setting boundaries may feel like we are doing something mean, especially when we have been lifelong people pleasers. The addicts and alcoholics in our life will certainly try to make us FEEL like we are doing something mean when we set boundaries, but it is actually one of the most loving, caring things you can do for someone suffering from the disease of addiction.
So sorry you are going through this with your children. Big hugs to you.
So sorry you are going through this with your children. Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
keeping the boundaries you set is difficult sometimes, but people respect you for this in the long run. I have proved that I am not a doormat and I keep my word, even if I look "mean", it's a form of self-respect which helps self-esteem.
If you do not keep a boundary you set, people don't take you seriously, I might as well be talking to the wall.
If you do not keep a boundary you set, people don't take you seriously, I might as well be talking to the wall.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thank you for the encouragement. I am still anxious and shaky from setting the boundary but I kept it and she handled the issue herself...don't know how or what she did but she did get back to me and said that her talked to her younger adult brother and he would handle it himself. I am way overboard as a people pleaser right now and working hard on the boundaries...it is amazing what hard work it is...so thank you for mentioning that...glad she worked it out and glad I held my boundary...still very anxious...hopefully that gets better with time.
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