letting go of relationships in early recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
letting go of relationships in early recovery
I seem to have little difficulty skipping a night in my drinking. I can wake up, go the whole day, that whole night, the next morning, the whole day, but come that night... I drink. I can fairly easily decide to skip a night, but more then that takes motivation and focus. I will need to learn some discipline.
When trying to get sober, there are a lot of things a person might have to give up, other then substances. People... such as an ex boyfriend who turned into a friend with benefits. I will lose that while I get sober. How do you let go of things like that? Things that brought me comfort even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Things that were familiarly comfortable. How does a person give up everything that brought them comfort and relief, all at the same time? What is left to keep me floating? And on top of it, seeing him moving on in his life, while I am starting from scratch, redefining and starting over in mine, ... just hurts a little.
And its not even like I can say that I am moving in a better direction while he stays in the same stuck place. He has been sober for 5 years now and continues to take steps to advance and improve his life. While I am just starting to understand how to begin to do such things in my life.
I feel so far behind.
When trying to get sober, there are a lot of things a person might have to give up, other then substances. People... such as an ex boyfriend who turned into a friend with benefits. I will lose that while I get sober. How do you let go of things like that? Things that brought me comfort even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Things that were familiarly comfortable. How does a person give up everything that brought them comfort and relief, all at the same time? What is left to keep me floating? And on top of it, seeing him moving on in his life, while I am starting from scratch, redefining and starting over in mine, ... just hurts a little.
And its not even like I can say that I am moving in a better direction while he stays in the same stuck place. He has been sober for 5 years now and continues to take steps to advance and improve his life. While I am just starting to understand how to begin to do such things in my life.
I feel so far behind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
Yes, I suppose that is the only rational logical answer. But it seems easier said then done. Its painful to leave everything comforting in the past and to move on by myself into the unknown. And its hard not to look back and miss it.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,644
It's not easy, but it is worth the ride. Honestly, it doesn't seem like alcohol is making you happy, if I may be so bold.
I had to change many of my habits, because most of them involved rewarding myself with a drink. I felt so alien in the evenings without a glass in my hand, or bottle.
I really didn't know my own mind in the first few months and was advised, very wisely, not to do any life changing things in the first year of sobriety, unless you was under harm. Solid advice, I know now.
Look after you, change your habits,so you don't drink. Come here and post, there's always someone about, to help and listen to you.
You can do it, just with baby small steps. Concentrate on now, not tomorrow or next year,just now. Be well.
I had to change many of my habits, because most of them involved rewarding myself with a drink. I felt so alien in the evenings without a glass in my hand, or bottle.
I really didn't know my own mind in the first few months and was advised, very wisely, not to do any life changing things in the first year of sobriety, unless you was under harm. Solid advice, I know now.
Look after you, change your habits,so you don't drink. Come here and post, there's always someone about, to help and listen to you.
You can do it, just with baby small steps. Concentrate on now, not tomorrow or next year,just now. Be well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
Thank you for your feedback.
As far as not doing any life changing things in the first year of sobriety.. What do you consider life changing? For example, getting a new job. Is that a life changing thing? If not, then what constitutes as a life changing thing?
As far as not doing any life changing things in the first year of sobriety.. What do you consider life changing? For example, getting a new job. Is that a life changing thing? If not, then what constitutes as a life changing thing?
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
A life changing event would be .... moving to a new city or country, starting a new relationship, getting married, deciding to have a child, sailing around the world or something else major.
You need to work, so if your current job isn't working out or if you are unemployed then changing jobs might be necessary. If you're just considering changing jobs, you might want to put that off to concentrate on your recovery. Many employers have programs to assist their employees get clean and sober. EAP or Employee Assistance Programs can be a valuable resource for you to get some outside help.
As far as your friend with benefits situation goes.... that might be something that could trip you up. Your recovery needs to come first and any emotional baggage resulting from a situation like that could be detrimental to your sobriety.
Distance yourself from folks you drink or 'party' with and get to an AA fellowship to meet some sober people. Don't forget to stay close to your support network here at SR.
Determination is key to your success so set your sights on the goal and go after it!
Good Luck!
You need to work, so if your current job isn't working out or if you are unemployed then changing jobs might be necessary. If you're just considering changing jobs, you might want to put that off to concentrate on your recovery. Many employers have programs to assist their employees get clean and sober. EAP or Employee Assistance Programs can be a valuable resource for you to get some outside help.
As far as your friend with benefits situation goes.... that might be something that could trip you up. Your recovery needs to come first and any emotional baggage resulting from a situation like that could be detrimental to your sobriety.
Distance yourself from folks you drink or 'party' with and get to an AA fellowship to meet some sober people. Don't forget to stay close to your support network here at SR.
Determination is key to your success so set your sights on the goal and go after it!
Good Luck!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
"don't make any big decisions in the first year"
Personally I think that is baloney.
First decision is deciding you need help with drinking
Second decision is whether or not you are ready to actually stop, or give moderation one more try
Third decision is how you plan to stop or moderate
Fourth decision would be assessing your current living environment... Are you living with other problem drinkers or drug users, if so, decide to stay or go
Are you in an abusive relationship, stay or go?
Do you work in a bar and have decided to get sober... Stay or go?
The list could be increased, but I think you get the point, decisions have to be made, constantly, that is life!!
Another reason that statement is baloney, especially in AA circles is... The third step says?
Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes.
I'm not sure why you feel like you have to can the FWB thing with a guy 5 years sober?
Or have I missed something?
Personally I think that is baloney.
First decision is deciding you need help with drinking
Second decision is whether or not you are ready to actually stop, or give moderation one more try
Third decision is how you plan to stop or moderate
Fourth decision would be assessing your current living environment... Are you living with other problem drinkers or drug users, if so, decide to stay or go
Are you in an abusive relationship, stay or go?
Do you work in a bar and have decided to get sober... Stay or go?
The list could be increased, but I think you get the point, decisions have to be made, constantly, that is life!!
Another reason that statement is baloney, especially in AA circles is... The third step says?
Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes.
I'm not sure why you feel like you have to can the FWB thing with a guy 5 years sober?
Or have I missed something?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
I just can't figure out why my ex stopped talking to me like that, after I told him about my problem and that Im thinking about quitting. He used to text me at night and stuff, and that slowed down after I told him about the drinking problem, and then it stopped 2 weeks after that. So I can just assume that its because of the talk we had that he decided to stop our friends with benefits relationship.
I know that in AA, members with 1 year sober or longer are not supposed to engage in relationships with members with less then 1 year sober. Doing so is referred to as 13th stepping and is frowned upon because its like an older member is taking advantage of someone who is new, vulnerable, at higher risk for relapse, and who should be focusing on their recovery.
Obviously this wouldn't apply to a situation where the two people are married or at least already in a committed relationship. But I wonder if he figured that since we are not in an "actual" relationship, that it would just be a distraction to me getting sober or make it harder for me to get sober.
I know that in AA, members with 1 year sober or longer are not supposed to engage in relationships with members with less then 1 year sober. Doing so is referred to as 13th stepping and is frowned upon because its like an older member is taking advantage of someone who is new, vulnerable, at higher risk for relapse, and who should be focusing on their recovery.
Obviously this wouldn't apply to a situation where the two people are married or at least already in a committed relationship. But I wonder if he figured that since we are not in an "actual" relationship, that it would just be a distraction to me getting sober or make it harder for me to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Justme, I also feel a little lost and lonely in sobriety. When I got out of rehab, I didn't have my girlfriend or my 'best friend' alcohol anymore. My two biggest crutches. I tried to fill the void and dated a slew of women off dating websites. Just led me to relapse.
I am sober, single, and bored out of my mind, but I know that this is how things need to be for me for a while. Living like a monk actually has been forcing me to look at myself. I am 38, but really don't know who I am.
Work on yourself first, then you'll be a much better partner for when you meet the man of your dreams!!
I am sober, single, and bored out of my mind, but I know that this is how things need to be for me for a while. Living like a monk actually has been forcing me to look at myself. I am 38, but really don't know who I am.
Work on yourself first, then you'll be a much better partner for when you meet the man of your dreams!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
For me it is much easier to not drink when I'm not harming myself with superficial (i.e. FWB) relationships.
I won't get into sexual relationships with someone who isn't available and willing to build a long term relationship. It just leads to confusing emotions and someone is definitely going to get hurt in a FWB relationship - I don't want it to be me. I can't see having sex with someone unless there is love and trust - and that takes a lot of time to develop. Why lessen myself in that way?
I won't get into sexual relationships with someone who isn't available and willing to build a long term relationship. It just leads to confusing emotions and someone is definitely going to get hurt in a FWB relationship - I don't want it to be me. I can't see having sex with someone unless there is love and trust - and that takes a lot of time to develop. Why lessen myself in that way?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi - I remember you asking about similar things on another thread.
I think the "magic" is in trying out new things, engaging in new experiences, and creating new habits. We maintain habits because they are familiar to us, we know what to expect, we know "how they work". Many of our habits and the surroundings in our environment and life also serve as "anchors" - familiar components and experiences that provide us with a sense of safety. Novelty usually seems a little threatening - the anxiety of the unknown and uncertain. The important factor is introducing new components, new experiences, even new people, explore - see what we find interesting and beneficial, what sticks.
Most of our current habits and familiar experiences also started out as new and unknown at some point in the past. Like the idea of drinking or using drugs recreationally. Then with repetitions, often even negative and destructive experiences (such as heavy drinking, abusive relationships, procrastination, etc) can become habitual and provide us with the illusion of being in a safe haven, and we tend to keep escaping back to these from other, more random stressful situations, or just looking for something even marginally and momentarily rewarding.
So, again, the thing to do is introducing different things and adding more and more slowly. Withdrawing from people and relationships is not always the best approach, because it can lead to isolation and loneliness, which in turn can trigger the wrong kind of cravings and desires. Instead, finding new hobbies (or picking up good old abandoned ones), making new connections with others, learning new things - these can both distract us and provide new excitement and challenge. The important thing is evaluating these new experiences wisely in the early phase: do they enrich our life? Are they constructive? Then build up. It's important to recognize when we tend to start getting into old unwanted repetitions in disguise, and then leave them early enough.
I would not worry about relationships newly sober. Make new friends instead with people who do not overwhelm you emotionally or in other ways, people who are honest, available, and don't put you in doubts.
Have you tried to talk with this old friend of yours recently? I would try it once. You could tell him all the same things and concerns you tell us here. If things don't change or you don't get an answer, I would leave it and focus on yourself - there is nothing else you can do, really. I know how hard it can be to let friendships go especially not knowing why, but worrying about them and guessing others' intentions truly do not help when we have a host of other things to deal with regarding ourselves and our life as priority.
You will be able to find new people and make new friendships in the future and they will likely be more satisfying when you feel secure and at peace with yourself.
I think the "magic" is in trying out new things, engaging in new experiences, and creating new habits. We maintain habits because they are familiar to us, we know what to expect, we know "how they work". Many of our habits and the surroundings in our environment and life also serve as "anchors" - familiar components and experiences that provide us with a sense of safety. Novelty usually seems a little threatening - the anxiety of the unknown and uncertain. The important factor is introducing new components, new experiences, even new people, explore - see what we find interesting and beneficial, what sticks.
Most of our current habits and familiar experiences also started out as new and unknown at some point in the past. Like the idea of drinking or using drugs recreationally. Then with repetitions, often even negative and destructive experiences (such as heavy drinking, abusive relationships, procrastination, etc) can become habitual and provide us with the illusion of being in a safe haven, and we tend to keep escaping back to these from other, more random stressful situations, or just looking for something even marginally and momentarily rewarding.
So, again, the thing to do is introducing different things and adding more and more slowly. Withdrawing from people and relationships is not always the best approach, because it can lead to isolation and loneliness, which in turn can trigger the wrong kind of cravings and desires. Instead, finding new hobbies (or picking up good old abandoned ones), making new connections with others, learning new things - these can both distract us and provide new excitement and challenge. The important thing is evaluating these new experiences wisely in the early phase: do they enrich our life? Are they constructive? Then build up. It's important to recognize when we tend to start getting into old unwanted repetitions in disguise, and then leave them early enough.
I would not worry about relationships newly sober. Make new friends instead with people who do not overwhelm you emotionally or in other ways, people who are honest, available, and don't put you in doubts.
Have you tried to talk with this old friend of yours recently? I would try it once. You could tell him all the same things and concerns you tell us here. If things don't change or you don't get an answer, I would leave it and focus on yourself - there is nothing else you can do, really. I know how hard it can be to let friendships go especially not knowing why, but worrying about them and guessing others' intentions truly do not help when we have a host of other things to deal with regarding ourselves and our life as priority.
You will be able to find new people and make new friendships in the future and they will likely be more satisfying when you feel secure and at peace with yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
The Book Alcoholics Anonymous says "we are not arbitors of anyone's love life"
If you cannot reconcile the advice of any AA member with what is written in the first 164 pages of the book, you are advised to take it as that members opinion.
AA members should be primarily concerned with teaching you about how to work through the 12 steps... That's it.
The rest of your life is your business... Period.
Although that has never stopped many many AA members, usually the ones who just go to meetings and just don't drink, from offering all sorts of well intentioned advice and attempting to control the lives of newcomers.
This is why it is so vitally important to read the book, which is the basic text book of AA.
Once you have read the book, you will realize just how much other crap goes on within AA, which should not, but of course does.
So reading the book gives you the ability to sort the wheat from the chaff.
When people in AA dish out their amateur relationship councillor advice, you can think about how it says "we are not arbitors....... " smile and think "they are just trying to help me" And then feel free to ignore it.
If you cannot reconcile the advice of any AA member with what is written in the first 164 pages of the book, you are advised to take it as that members opinion.
AA members should be primarily concerned with teaching you about how to work through the 12 steps... That's it.
The rest of your life is your business... Period.
Although that has never stopped many many AA members, usually the ones who just go to meetings and just don't drink, from offering all sorts of well intentioned advice and attempting to control the lives of newcomers.
This is why it is so vitally important to read the book, which is the basic text book of AA.
Once you have read the book, you will realize just how much other crap goes on within AA, which should not, but of course does.
So reading the book gives you the ability to sort the wheat from the chaff.
When people in AA dish out their amateur relationship councillor advice, you can think about how it says "we are not arbitors....... " smile and think "they are just trying to help me" And then feel free to ignore it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I'm right with you, sister. I had an ongoing, older (pre-sobriety) FWB that I was still spending time with occasionally in sobriety. Beyond the idea of "comfort in the familiar," I had decided that it would assist with my basic need for touch & physical connection in a non-committed way, allowing me to successfully fulfill the "one year without starting a relationship" advisement of AA.
See, my av isn't just tricksy about alcohol. It is part of my (our) nature to seek the little back path around rules & suggestions to hold onto what we desire - in all areas of our lives. My FWB did drink, alcoholically, and last week I decided that continuing the relationship kept a person in my life who would absolutely support a relapse if ever I reached a bad day on which I started to question the value of my sobriety.
It wasn't easy. He is very attractive to me, & we shared the great sexuality which comes from knowing someone well but not being in a complex relationship with them.
What I realized though is that his unavailability for relationship didn't really work for me in sobriety. I started feeling hurt at the realization that he only contacted me when he got lonely, not ever because I might need support, etc.
Anyway, I feel both powerful and very sad at this loss. But, FWB is a strange, pretend relationship. Just the crackly skin of a relationship really. Frail, thin, transparent. It doesn't have any of the substance I truly hunger for. It worked for me when I was drinking because a deeper, true relationship would have interrupted my privacy, and because I wasn't valuing myself.
I feel like FWB is what people do while they're waiting for a "real love.". The interesting question for me is how your relationship devolved from boyfriend to FWB in the first place. There was something that caused that initial pulling away into the less committed relationship.
As to the first year thing, I'm with Hawks on that one (actually Hawks, I agree with you on lots of stuff that you write). It has become a program "wisdom" but doesn't actually belong to the program. If opportunities present themselves during that first year, only you can weigh whether they represent positive change in your life & whether they will negatively impact your sobriety & growth.
See, my av isn't just tricksy about alcohol. It is part of my (our) nature to seek the little back path around rules & suggestions to hold onto what we desire - in all areas of our lives. My FWB did drink, alcoholically, and last week I decided that continuing the relationship kept a person in my life who would absolutely support a relapse if ever I reached a bad day on which I started to question the value of my sobriety.
It wasn't easy. He is very attractive to me, & we shared the great sexuality which comes from knowing someone well but not being in a complex relationship with them.
What I realized though is that his unavailability for relationship didn't really work for me in sobriety. I started feeling hurt at the realization that he only contacted me when he got lonely, not ever because I might need support, etc.
Anyway, I feel both powerful and very sad at this loss. But, FWB is a strange, pretend relationship. Just the crackly skin of a relationship really. Frail, thin, transparent. It doesn't have any of the substance I truly hunger for. It worked for me when I was drinking because a deeper, true relationship would have interrupted my privacy, and because I wasn't valuing myself.
I feel like FWB is what people do while they're waiting for a "real love.". The interesting question for me is how your relationship devolved from boyfriend to FWB in the first place. There was something that caused that initial pulling away into the less committed relationship.
As to the first year thing, I'm with Hawks on that one (actually Hawks, I agree with you on lots of stuff that you write). It has become a program "wisdom" but doesn't actually belong to the program. If opportunities present themselves during that first year, only you can weigh whether they represent positive change in your life & whether they will negatively impact your sobriety & growth.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Toronto
Posts: 12
I feel you. I'm on day 9 (so very new to this whole getting sober thing) and I will probably have to distance myself from my roommate and best friend, among other people. It's harsh, because I already feel that I've lost one "best friend" as it is. I have no advice, other than to commiserate. But .... as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. It's just the hanging out in the hallway alone before that second door opens part that's the rub! I am just putting sobriety first and foremost in my mind, and remembering that parts of life are hard, and that's just the way it is. From all accounts though, life sober is eventually far, far better. Not perfect of course, but much better.
Btw, I've never found that FWB relationships have worked in the end. Somebody gets hurt - but that's just me.
Hawks, thank you for your post! I've never really understood the whole "don't make life changing decisions" business. Quitting drinking IS a life changing decision, and my sense is that it might require some OTHER life changing decisions as a result. I mean, moving is a big stressor and change, but if the alternative is continuing to live with active drinkers....??
Best of luck, I'm Just Me! I'm rooting for you.
Btw, I've never found that FWB relationships have worked in the end. Somebody gets hurt - but that's just me.
Hawks, thank you for your post! I've never really understood the whole "don't make life changing decisions" business. Quitting drinking IS a life changing decision, and my sense is that it might require some OTHER life changing decisions as a result. I mean, moving is a big stressor and change, but if the alternative is continuing to live with active drinkers....??
Best of luck, I'm Just Me! I'm rooting for you.
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