luvmygirls

UGH. I feel like a failure and an idiot.

Last Saturday, I drank most of a bottle of wine over the course of a few hours because I couldn't face the idea of sober sex with my husband of 12 years (we've been together for 16). I'm sorry if that's TMI.

I felt bad about "throwing away" 16 days of sobriety, and didn't drink the next day (Sunday).

Monday: Drank a glass of wine and started a second around 9 p.m., well after my cravings had come and gone. Poured out the second glass.
Tuesday: Drank 2-3 glasses of wine, starting around 8:30 p.m.
Wednesday: Drank 2 glasses, started around 8.
Thursday: Drank 3 glasses of wine, plus a beer. Started at FOUR.
Today: Just drank a glass of wine.

It's almost like I am repelled by the first glass, to the point where I even hold the wine in my mouth without swallowing. I'm pretty sure I'm a total weirdo in that respect. But it's getting easier and easier to drink, now that I'm thinking, "I'm not throwing 16 days away...Day 1 can just as easily be tomorrow as today."

I know I need to do something differently. I don't think I can do this without face-to-face support, so I'm going to a meeting tomorrow morning. I know I need to get all the alcohol out of the house, especially since my 2 "functional" alcoholic/co-dependent parents will be here within the hour.

I'm "functional" on the surface. I have a good job, family, blah blah blah. I NEED to quit, and by posting here I feel somehow accountable. Thanks for listening all.

PurpleKnight

For me, when I would have a drink, it opened the door to days or a week of drinking, "sure why not start tomorrow", "Sobriety can wait one more day" etc etc

Support was key for me, something to get me outside of my own mind that wanted to drink and was addicted to alcohol.

Have you told your husband? honesty within your relationship may make all the difference!!

Anna

I hope that you do what you need to do to get sober.

luvmygirls

Thanks, PK. So what got you back on track? I told my husband that I'd stopped drinking for a couple of weeks, but then drank that night. He's on my s$%^ list for a number of reasons right now, but in general he is supportive.

SoberLeigh

You are NOT a failure and you are NOT an idiot, Jo. We have been where you are.

Changing up your program sounds like a great idea. Glad to hear you are pursuing face to face support, Jo.

Glad you posted; that is what SR is all about - being there for each other in our struggles and celebrating our victories.

luvmygirls

Thank you so much, SoberLeigh. You're always very supportive, and I really appreciate that.

PurpleKnight

Support without a doubt was what turned my recovery around, sheer willpower and left to my own energy never worked, the reason being my mind wanted to drink, it was addicted to alcohol, and so in isolation there was only going to be one outcome.

But with a second opinion, something outside myself, something to short circuit my own thought processes, I started to make real progress, whether it's checking in on SR before picking up that drink or going to meetings, whatever it is, I couldn't stay Sober on my own!!

luvmygirls

Thank you! So one day you just decided it was going to be today, not tomorrow? Trying to learn here. I really appreciate it.

PurpleKnight

I was pretty "functioning", never lost a job, never lost a family, no financial issues, never lost my driving licence, no run ins with the law, but life had become simply surviving!!

I got to the point of, what have I got to loose by getting Sober? all I saw before me was a downward spiral of chaos and destruction, I was on the road to things getting much worse and life, similar to you, I recognised the NEED to change something!!

But really what have we got to loose? alcohol did me no favours, created a lot of misery in my life, so why keep giving it any attention? when I took a chance, a leap of faith to kick it to the kerb, my life has never been the same for the better!!

There are no tomorrows, only todays in Sobriety!!

endlesspatience

In May this year you said that you were preparing to do Step Two. I assume that you were at that stage working a recovery programme.

You don't mention anything about working a programme in this post apart from talking about "tomorrow".

I know you've been encouraging and supportive to other people who post here so please don't think I'm scolding you or anything like that. But you seem to be constantly on the verge of taking action which would change your life for the better.

Are you ready to move forward?

luvmygirls

endlesspatience, I just joined this site last month, so I'm not sure what you mean?

heartcore

One is too many and a thousand never enough.

You've conclusively, without a doubt, for sure proved to yourself that once you open the bottle (with whatever intent), the drinking continues. It isn't escalating, but is becoming habit, normalized.

When I relapsed this year, what was supposed to be a one-off night of drinking became three months of "I'll start again tomorrow"s. While I didn't end up hospitalized or jailed through that experience, I started and ended a dysfunctional relationship (bam - lightening speed...start to finish), and experienced a blackout in which I behaved badly.

I understand the sober sex issue. It is a big deal for many of us. But that doesn't mean that because it is complex and difficult, our response should be to give up and return to drunken sex.

I've done lots of self-evaluation about the sober sex issue. I recognize that I use alcohol to soften body image issues, etc., but more importantly I use it as a tool to do something I don't want to do. Whether that is because of tension with a partner or because of my own content at the moment or because of a sense of obligation or because I don't ask for what I need or because I don't get what I need - who knows. I'm not there yet, with those answers for myself.

What I DO know is that if I don't want to do something with my whole heart, so much so that I would consider drinking to deal with it, then I need to simply not do it.

It might be short term, it might represent bigger issues in the relationship - who knows. But, seriously, regardless of whether it is a relationship issue, content related to recent sobriety, or - hell - just not being in the mood, attracted at the moment, etc. it is better to say "No" than to drink. If your partner has different expectations, and you can't talk openly about that, well, yeah, something's amiss.

I think that you'll need to go deeper into explaining your actual alcoholism and sobriety with your partner to get (maybe) the support you need in the relationship. And maybe, if you were feeling understood and supported in a deeper way, you might even want to get naked and play and explore sexuality in sobriety in a happy and curious and mutual way...

His knowing that it is an issue for you would allow the possibility of his expressing tenderness and love through the act of sexuality, which might be exactly what you open up to...

Ruby2

You aren't a failure and many of us have been there before. I used to hold the wine in my mouth before swallowing. Thinking "why am I doing this?" as I did so.

First time I quit I did inpatient rehab and then had ten and a half months sober and blew it a year ago August. This time around I decided I'd had enough, this is it, I'm done. And did it. Like PK. I had support. I had the tools I knew I needed. Make today your day one. Keep coming here when you need to.

And it took me a long time to want to face sober sex. Give yourself time. You have a whole lot going on without putting more on your plate.

Fly N Buy

I too need face to face support. I go to meetings DAILY sometimes twice. For me I had to change habits, period. Once I became serious about sobriety, above all else change of habits became possible. I too was full of self pity, very common. I was taught and learned quickly that this is simply pride in reverse and with alcoholics, it's deadly.

If you are committed above all things to being sober, it's there for you. Frankly, it took me many years before I was willing and until such time I had no results. Many stop and starts.....that doesn't have to be you!

I see many young people with a lot more sobriety than me. The point is you have to be truly ready and committed. Meetings are great, they don't keep us sober! Action of the steps is what can remove the obsession and help us stay stopped.

peace to all of us on our journeys

fly

Slumerican

Thanks for the post Josh, I am realizing now that I'm not the only one who uses the "start tomorrow" mindset. It's a reasonable excuse, when i go back in forth in my head. But we all know that's all it is....an excuse, and for me tomorrow results in me drinking without hesitation, I mean I already broke the previous day.I hope we can all take the steps that will lead us to our sobriety, and be where we want to be in our lives. Stay Positive!

MavisTheFairy13

Josharon I missed this post! How are things going now? X

hopeful4

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I think it's important to ask yourself why you feel this way about your husband as it sounds like that was the trigger.

XXX