Flossy71

So it's been almost 3 months since my ex AH dropped me by text, no apology, nothing. Although for my part I know it's made things far easier and I'm grateful that he hasn't tried contacting me. When we would previously split he would relentlessly contact me, one minute pouring his heart out, the next being spiteful because I wouldn't agree to see him and told him his behaviour was unacceptable. He'd wear me down until I would feel awful about everything and give in a get back with him only for the same old pattern to be repeated. Although I feel heaps better in myself than I did 3 months ago, I'm no longer anxious, stressed, feeling like I'm going insane but instead am relaxed and happy and enjoying being on my own. My serenity has returned! On the other hand I'm experiencing not so much anger, but complete and utter disbelief that someone who claimed to love me so much they wanted to marry me and who told me that last time we split for 3 months the pain was so intense he almost drank and drugged himself to death until he ended up in hospital, that someone who claimed to have that depth of feeling for me could just drop me, by text, and no contact since. The part that does make me angry is that for the whole time we were together I didn't once drink, not even when I was out for a meal with friends on my own because I felt guilty if I did (plus I would be relentlessly questioned why it was ok for me to have a glass of wine with friends and not him so it just wasn't worth the hassle!) I totally supported him emotionally, cooked for him (we didn't live together as I refused to), took him on holidays, bought him gifts, paid every time we went out for lunch/dinner (not that the money matters, I just felt like I was giving and arranging nice things for us to do). So after giving and giving and detaching everytime he decided to walk out on me over nothing and a few relapses that he actively chose to do, even told me he was going to drink, after one relapse he told me he'd been to a meeting one night and then the following morning. When I asked if he'd drank because that was highly unusual he actually screamed a whole load of abuse down the phone at me, told me he was done, hung up and had nothing to do with me for the next week other than the odd text claiming he was going to meetings every night. So a couple of weeks later my friends invite me out and he decides to text saying how great it would be if I would go back with him. I didn't see the message as my phone was in my purse. Within 10 minutes he'd started up on the verbal assault saying I was obviously out with my friends and how they always came first (I hadn't actually seen my friends the whole time we had been back together so not sure how they came first!) so I replied asking him to leave it and I'd speak to him in the morning. He spat at me how I was too drunk to type, which I wasn't, and to never contact him ever again. I just truly can't believe that after 18 months of his walking out on me, accusations and verbal assaults shortly followed by relapses he could get so furious that I was out with friends that evening. We weren't even together, he'd told me to clear off the previous weekend! But it just really gets me that after everything I helped him with and how much he claimed to love me he could just drop me like that, over my being out with friends!

ladyscribbler

Everything you've described about his behavior screams "mental illness" to me. Even if he got sober tomorrow and stayed that way forever, he would still have the mental issues to deal with.
Are you in the process of divorcing him? Legally separated?

AnvilheadII

it wasn't what you were doing at the time.....that was just THE EXCUSE. i suspect he'd already found a fresh new enabler and didn't need you anymore. sorry to be blunt. but as you said, you gave and gave and gave, he took and took and took, and still abused you. until he was done with you.

I totally supported him emotionally, cooked for him (we didn't live together as I refused to), took him on holidays, bought him gifts, paid every time we went out for lunch/dinner (not that the money matters, I just felt like I was giving and arranging nice things for us to do). So after giving and giving and detaching everytime he decided to walk out on me over nothing

you did not exhibit HEALTHY behaviors in this relationship. we don't BUY affection, nor should we DO more for another adult than is warranted. don't be somebody's gravy train. learn the lessons.

Flossy71

AnvilheadII I've learnt my lesson that's for sure. It just astounds me that one minute he's telling me he loves me and the next ends it because I was out with friends and have never once even thought to apologise that actually, I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I'm eternally grateful I'm free of the whole sorry situation. I'd started to call him on his behaviour. I'd always had healthy relationships until this one and ended up sucked right in for some reason. Probably because he's actually a highly intelligent, articulate and manipulative individual! I also wasn't trying to buy him. It's just the way I am. I have a good job and like to do things and because we were together I included him in those things. I guess he walked out on me because he knew I was starting to realise what was going on. Like you say, he prob had another enabler lined up as he realised I was no longer going to be it! It just astounds me that anyone can be that callous and shallow and that's what I'm struggling with.

Rosalba

Sweetie, I know where you're coming from. How could someone who wanted to marry you, loved you as he'd loved no other... suddenly drop you over being out with a friend?

I know, it doesn't make sense. The only way I could make sense of it was to realise he was wrestling with his own demons, demons I could take an educated guess at, but could do nothing about.

It was a relief, in retrospect, that he ended it as I was far too committed (ha!) to making the relationship work to have ended it myself. He took and took and took, on every level, until I refused to give unconditionally any more. Then he ended it.

I was told by my therapist at the time that he'd have carried on loving me if I'd completely relinquished my own identity and run my life with him at the centre of it. Except by then I'd have disappeared - in the sense of losing myself.

People CAN be that callous and shallow; that's their responsibility. We allow them to treat us like that - and the responsibility for that is OURS. This is good news, because we also have the ability to walk away, abort mission and leave it all behind. These days I'd have spotted the warning signs within the first few dates...