so2014

Hi. I apologize in advance for a super-long post, but there is a question at the end!!

I'm new-ish to this website and AA. I am the one with the drinking problem. I'm a mother of two young children, and have been drinking WAY too much for way too long. Because I'm a stay-at-home mom, I've had the luxury of being able to take naps daily to get over my hang-overs, and have not lost a job or anything like that. My husband and I have tried all sorts of schemes to lower my drinking - only drinking on vacation, only drinking on weekends, etc. Twice we've boxed up all the alcohol in our house and put it in either the basement or the attic. Both times, it was less than 2 weeks before I broke into the boxes, or we bought more, and started drinking all over again. I should mention that my husband drinks, probably daily, but doesn't seem to have much of a "problem." He rarely has more than one, and has no problem saying "no" when having a drink would be a problem. When drinking daily, often 7-10 drinks. I black-out and there are countless evenings I don't remember. And my kids have most definitely seem me drunk, although they are young enough that I'm not sure they understand what's going on.

So I've admitted to myself, and him, that I have a problem and have started AA meetings and have been reading here regularly. I've been reading the "Big Book." I'm only on day 4 and know it will be a struggle.

That said, the problem I'm facing is that I'm not sure my husband really wants me to recover. He's made comments like "go to AA, get some information, and then you can sift through it and see if there is anything helpful there or not." He has suggested, even since I've started AA, that maybe AA can help me lay-off drinking until I can get better control, and then I'll be able to "drink reasonably" in the future (although I know AA pretty much says this is impossible). He's said he supports me going to AA meetings, but it would be best if I go to meetings that take place during the day, because going in the evening is an inconvenience to our evening routine with our children. (newsflash: I don't want to drink at 10:00 am. I want to drink at 8 pm!!)

The truth is, I think deep down inside he doesn't really want me to quit drinking permanently because of the vast change it will have on our lives. I'm a "fun drunk" and I think he actually likes that side of me. We are also the people who like to invite friends over for martinis before dinner, and we have big parties with coolers full of rum punch, etc. So not having alcohol in our lives would be a huge change. And while I hope that some day I can be a person who can go to parties with alcohol and not be tempted, I doubt I can do that in the short term, and that will make our lives, frankly, boring.
At the end of the day, I wonder if he thinks I'm just being dramatic, and that this is a "phase" I will get past. For myself, I know its not.

So . . . do any of you who have alcoholic spouses have any advice on how to make him see this as a serious issue that will require work and change for both of us? Did any of you doubt your spouse was really an alcoholic, and how did you deal with it? As the spouse, did any of you go through a period where you preferred your spouse drinking, and how did you get past that? Any advice will be helpful!!

SparkleKitty

Congratulations on your 4 days! And thank you for reaching out to this side of the forum.

Even when people we are close to are making positive changes, we can perceive change as very very scary. We want to control it, make it not affect so much. That can be a difficult thing to overcome, as I am sure you know from personal experience and from your thoughts about your husband.

If you have determined that your drinking is problem and all efforts to control or moderate it have failed, and especially, if YOU have decided it is time to stop, then you need to commit fully to whatever it takes to get the support you need to do so. It does not sound like you can count on unconditional support from your husband. It sounds like he wants to put limits on how much your recovery affects his life.

As someone who would have given anything for my XABF to make the kind of effort you are making to face your problem...all I can really say is, do not put your sobriety at risk because it makes him uncomfortable. Do whatever you have to do to find and achieve your long-term sobriety.

As the child of an Alcoholic mother, I promise you a million times that quitting drinking is the greatest thing you can do to ensure your children's future happiness, and your own. Do whatever you have to do to be present in their lives for the long haul -- not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

Sending you strength and courage to forge ahead until your husband can understand and get on board with your journey.

wanttobehealthy

My advice is do not look for your husband to be responsible for your sobriety. I am not saying you are... Just that that came to mind when I read your your post about wishing your H would act differently re: your sobriety...

His commenting about you attending morning meetings sounds like he is just thinking about the family committment issues that are at play in the evening. Not sure that he is being insensitive. Just pragmatic.

From what youre saying he is saying, he sounds supportive and reasonable.

You have to decide to be sober because you want to be.

My xAH loved to say that he could not stay sober or that he had trouble trying to recover bc I was not supportive in the right ways... To me it seemed to always be an excuse for him to blame me when he chose to drink again... Not suggesting that youre doing that. Just sharing my experience.

I am sure you would like him to act in a number of ways that he is not... But you can only control you just like he was not able to get you to do what he may have liked during the time you drank.

It's good for your family that you have decided to stop drinking. Hope you're successful.

happybeingme

My husband was not an active part of my recovery. Nor did he try to impede it. I was the alcoholic and felt it was my responsibility to not only get sober but to learn how to be an alcoholic in a non alcoholic world. I know not everyone feels the same but when I quit I didnt ask for any changes to be made. My husband occered to stop drinkinv at home but I didnt think that was right. So, I recovered even with beer my doc always in the fridge.

To quit successfully you really have to want it more than anything else

countrygirl2014

Don't accidentally let what he tells you about moderation and such get in your head and talk to that little monster that thinks it needs and constantly begs you for alcohol. You are on day 4. That is awesome. I am just ahead of you on my second day 10 in a month. I should be on day 30. My big slip up was when I listened to my significant other about moderation (he drinks daily) and I kept thinking I wasn't fun anymore.
What I learned...after the initial 7 days, I have a way better sense of humor, I'm just as goofy as before...if not more, and I have the energy to keep me going long after the beers have sent him into a restless, snoring slumber.
And I feel like a better mommy. The best mommy!
The first seven days really sucked though. It was like a war zone in my head. Hang in there, you will see.

Woodman123

SO2014- thanks for reaching out- that's a great first step that you can acknowledge this as a problem.

PLEASE keep going to AA, posting here, and surrounding yourself with people who understand this disease and can truly support and encourage you to change your thinking and attitudes towards drinking.

Regarding the seriousness of this issue, continue reading here and there will be PLENTY to show your husband. For starters, see my posts over the past 1.5 yrs, including the one today. My wife started just like you.

AnvilheadII

so2014 - welcome to SR. congratulations on starting your journey to lifelong sobriety!!!

you have a lot going on in your head, understandable. right now you NOT drinking is very new. new for you. and new for your husband. RIGHT NOW, the best thing you can do is stay sober. no matter what. if temporarily attending meetings in the evening disrupts the schedule a bit, well so be it. IMHO. this is about mom getting WELL, before she gets WORSE.

time takes time and more will be revealed. don't be too hard on hubby just yet!! and don't future trip about how boring life will be. that's your addict talking. LIFE is as fun and exciting as we CHOOSE to make it. alcohol doesn't make things fun, it just makes them fuzzy.

get some sober time under your belt. like six months. and then reassess what's going on around you. make sure you have an exit strategy if you find yourself in drinking situations. use those numbers from the meetings! attend women's meetings, step meetings, birthday meetings, candlelight meetings. November is GRATITUDE month and many places have marathon meetings that go round the clock. look out for retreats and workshops to attend. get the Big Book. READ IT. that should keep ya busy AND sober!!!

Alanon is available for your husband. you can get some literature or point him to the website, and then LEAVE IT BE. be a glorious shining example of recovery in action!

hopeful4

Hopefully you have come to the realization that moderation does not work for an alcoholic. So...next thing you can do is tell him how important this is to you, and to the future of your family. Believe me, your kids will figure it out and you will be playing a whole new ballgame. Please know that sobriety is the #1 most important thing you can do for yourself and your children. I would let your husband know that has to be front and center, your #1 goal.

Good luck to you!

so2014

Thank you for all of these thoughtful responses. As you all understand (and mentioned), in these early days there is a lot going on in my head. I SO want to succeed in this, largely because I hope my kids are young enough that they won't remember me at my worst. But I also feel like I'm flailing. I'm not sure what to expect. Should we not have alcohol in our house at all? Is that reasonable to hubby? Should I hole up until I've got some sobriety time before hanging out with friends who drink? Do I admit to other people this is why I'm not drinking with them? These are rhetorical questions - I don't expect you all to have the answers, or that there is one right answer. But I'm type A by nature and would really like a list I could follow, some concrete steps, rather than just taking things as they come. I want to be sober but have no idea how to do it. And I've wanted this and failed so much before that I'm scared to death of losing my grip on this. That, I guess, will be part of the process for me. But I really appreciate your responses, especially reminding me that doing this will benefit my family in the long run. I might be a boring mommy, but at least I'll remember it

AnvilheadII

meetings are a great place to get a lot of input on the HOW TO's of staying sober. actually, AFTER the meetings when folks tend to hang out or go to coffee! for now, i'd suggest staying as far away from alcohol as possible is a good rule of thumb. not having booze in the house would sure be helpful, but your hubby would need to be on board.

just for today, don't drink, go to meetings, follow directions. and the directions are.....don't drink, go to meetings, follow directions. and the directions are.....

long time AA'r here, along with other 12 step/recovery "stuff" !!!

hopeful4

I usto cover up for my X when he would be blitzed. That he did not come b/c of a stomach issue, headache, allergies, you name it. Eventually I realized that is silly. So, I admitted to those around me that he is an alcoholic. This in turn led him to admit it to some other people. Although we divorced, we both have a good support system in place, and that is because I opened up and was honest about what was going on to family and friends.

As far as drinking in the home, I would never drink around anyone trying for sobriety. Why add that anxiety to your burdens?

That is just my .02

I wish you success! I have no doubt you will not be, nor are you, a boring person. Remember to try to treat yourself to things that you enjoy.

Good luck to you!

Eddiebuckle

Think about that statement - it implies that the absence of alcohol will be vast change for the negative in your lives. Your husband isn't an alcoholic, and therefore looks at the problem in the only way he understands: just drink less. It sounds like you have come to the conclusion that you are incapable of this, or at least not interested in the amount of effort and pain it would take to "drink normally."

It IS a huge change in your life, and your life depends on it. There is no halfway about it. He may never understand that, but there it is.

redatlanta

Welcome to SR and congrats on 4 days that's awesome!!!

You know there is a reason why they say you must change people. places and things. Drinking is a routine and as long as the routine remains the same then you are subjecting yourself to a probable relapse. I would say for now staying away from situations, like having friends over for martini's, would be the best idea.

There is quite a bit on here about the non-alcoholic partner/spouse continuing to drink and/or alcohol in the house. It sounds to me that its not that your husband doesn't want you to recover, but that he does not think you are an alcoholic. I am guessing he is not aware of how much you drink nor ALL the repercussions of it - like your black outs or hangovers as he is not home while you are doing what you need to do to recover the next day. Maybe he will get it at some point for now just walk your side of the street.

Your husband didn't marry you because you are a fun drunk. You guys have some adjustments to make. You can't make them all now so no point to future trip. As far as a guide its right in your hands in the big book. Get yourself a sponsor and start working the steps.

As for your friends well, I can only say what I would do. If I knew I had a problem and I wanted to do something about it hell yeah I would tell my friends. My friends would support me and it would help me. What you choose to do is up to you.

naddur

Congrats on recognizing step 1.

This is a interesting post for me because I was in your husband's shoes until recently. Although my wife isn't a stay at home mother, she is a alcoholic. The funny thing is I loved the alcoholic in her. She is the outgoing one in our relationship, she is the 'fun drunk'. I was the tag along, drinking because it was what she wanted to do and usually made the nights fun (often the end of the evenings were VERY fun). She would blackout about 2 or 3 times a year. When she did blackout she would normally get mean, verbally abusive, and push people away. But for me, they were so few and far between, and the good nights were so much more common, I didn't see it. Near the end she even got somewhat verbally abusive to our 3 year old, which broke my heart, but still didn't convince me she was an alcoholic.

I've posted my story in a thread called 'double whammy' (I'm too new to link hehe) if you want to see what it took for her and I to come to the understanding that she is an alcoholic. It took her weeks after her 'rock bottom' and days after my 'rock bottom'. The 1 thing I would mention though. Even after all the horrible things she did throughout our relationship, it took me a day longer to come to the conclusion she is an alcoholic.

My wife still gets the 'your not an alcoholic' from many of her friends and coworkers. It isn't about what other people think though, its about what you (or him) think. Just like you have to believe that you that you are an alcoholic, he has to believe it for himself. You can't convince him of that fact, he has to accept step 1 for himself.