looking for advise on first steps please

Old 10-09-2014, 06:41 AM
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looking for advise on first steps please

This is my first time 'drawing a line in the sand' with my husband. On Monday night I told him, "you can't be drunk here anymore. You have to get help." So, he's been drunk every evening since, of course. Tonight my daughter won't be home for a few hours and I want to tell him to get out. I think his dearest friend is going to be there to support me and probably even take him to his place. Any pointers on how to make this peaceful or effective?
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Old 10-09-2014, 06:56 AM
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So there are rules, and then there are boundaries. A rule is "You can't drink in this house," and you've seen just how effective that can be. You don't have any means of enforcing it. All the power is in his hands -- if he chooses to ignore it, that's pretty much the end of the story unless he subsequently does something that warrants calling the police.

A boundary is, "I will not be in the same home as an actively drinking alcoholic." Now, this is of course trickier, but it is far more effective -- IF your desire is to simply exist free from the drinking chaos. It requires that you leave the home when the drinking starts. The onus to take action to change the situation is on YOU.

It's a good idea to look honestly at your motive here. When I made rules with my XABF, it was because I wanted to control his behavior. When I made boundaries but didn't not follow through on upholding them, it was also because I was trying to manipulative his behavior.

When I finally learned to make boundaries and enforce them, it was because I wanted some peace for me no matter what he was or wasn't doing. He didn't like it, but there was nothing he could do about it.

Does that make any sense? Boundaries can be tough to understand, but they can be a tremendously effective tool for gaining enough clarity and perspective to figure out what you really want and how to get it.
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:00 AM
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Kitty has some really good advice. The tricky thing with a boundary is -- you have to be willing to enforce it.

A boundary is, "I will not be in the same home as an actively drinking alcoholic." Now, this is of course trickier, but it is far more effectively IF your desire is to simply exist free from the drinking chaos. It requires that you leave the home when the drinking starts.
If you set the boundary and aren't ready to enforce it -- if you don't leave when he starts drinking -- then he has learned that your words mean nothing, and that he can do as he pleases without consequences.

I think I might try to clarify for myself first of all what I expected out of the discussion you're envisioning. What do you do if he says "hell no, this is my house, I ain't leaving"? Do you leave?
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:14 AM
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Thanks guys. I don't want to control him. I want a home free of drugs and alcohol. I want a healthy environment for me and for our little girl. I'm hoping that his not wanting her to find out what he is really doing will still be important enough to him that he will listen to his friend if not me.

He does acknowledge that he needs help. He just hasn't wanted to make that jump. At least that's what he's presented to me. Either way, at this point, this isn't the sweetheart I married. This guy is someone I would NEVER associate with if I just met him today.
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:21 AM
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at this point, this isn't the sweetheart I married. This guy is someone I would NEVER associate with if I just met him today.
My therapist talks about something called "the slot machine effect." People who sit in front of a slot machine are harder to get away from the slot machine the longer they sit there. Because the longer they sit, the more they become convinced that if I leave now, maybe the next quarter I put in will be the one that lands me the jackpot. Codependent people in relationships act similarly: We've invested X years in this relationship, so what if we leave now and he becomes sober?

I'm not telling you to leave. But one thing that was hard for me to accept was that that man that I married might never come back. The person I had in front of me now -- the one I'd never associate with if he had been this way when we met -- what if he's the best it will ever get from now on?

The fact that he acknowledges in words that he needs help is good. Where the rubber meets the road is whether he will act on that and do something about it.

I have a friend who only needed to be told once to get help. That was it. She's been sober ever since. Little over 10 years now. I have other alcoholic friends who went to rehab, were sober, relapsed, sobered up again, relapsed, etc. Only time will tell what your husband will do. I do hope he's not far enough down the rabbit hole that he can't dig his way up.
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Old 10-09-2014, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by tonsoffaith View Post
Thanks guys. I don't want to control him. I want a home free of drugs and alcohol. I want a healthy environment for me and for our little girl.
This is a great start. Now you just have to decide how far you are willing to go to get that. Presuming he changes nothing, are you prepared to leave the home for some time (stay with family, etc.) or to move? Start a legal separation process? You do NOT have to answer those questions right now, but you should not be afraid of considering them.

It is very tempting to set our choices up in a series of "if, then" decisions. IF he stops drinking, THEN I will stay. IF he does not, THEN I will leave, etc. But then...how long do you give him on those IF's? Your resolve may be strong at the beginning, but maintaining the status quo is easier, especially if there are no fires to put out.

Defining boundaries is a way to empower yourself and give yourself permission to make choices that are in your best interest and your daughter's best interest, regardless of what he is or isn't doing. Right now, he is showing you that his intention is to drink, no matter what he says. Actions speak a lot louder than words with addicts.
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