Nowsthetime

Hello SR: last night I told my mother that I am almost to 7 months, her reply "is about time you quit keeping count". What?!?!?! I was so hurt. It is One thing to hear comments from people that you don't know very well, but from my own mother a comment so unsupportive. She really doesn't know the extent of my alcoholism since I moved away from home when I was 18 years old to another country, but she does know that our family has an issue with alcohol and she sounded proud at the beginning. I have a feeling that it is because she is questioning her own drinking. She has had issues with alcohol in the past and she's had a fatty liver. She just started dating a new guy, they've been together for about a year and they party together a lot. The drinking culture in my country of origin is huge so I don't know if they see how they drink as a problem but it is a lot. That's not for me to judge however that comment really hurt me. I thought she would be proud.

I remember having to take care of her when she was drunk when I was a teenager, helping her put her pajamas on, cleaning her vomit even. Not many times but a couple. I am just really puzzled by that comment. I talk to her a couple times a week over the phone and I have been telling her every month when I'm about to complete that month so this time it sounded like she didn't want to hear about it anymore, like I was getting annoying.

I will never again mention anything about my sobriety to her. We have had a strained relationship lately and this was like the cherry on top. Am I getting too sensitive? Maybe I'm just hypersensitive... Am I getting whyney? I'm sorry guys, I feel like all my posts lately are whinning but I just need a safe place to vent. When I was venting to my husband yesterday he said that I do talk about it a lot. Yes I talk about it a lot but this is my new life and I am proud of it. He said it in a little bit of a snarky kind of way so I stood up and told him looking straight into his eyes that I want to celebrate my sobriety every day for the rest of my life and that if I could I would keep a day count, not a month count and celebrate everyday. He thanked me for quitting and for sticking with it. He is finally happy about it so at least I have some support there. A little more than what I had at the beginning. He is starting to turn around because he sees a change and is starting to trust me again.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for giving me a space to vent SR!

Soberwolf

My dad is a **** i completely relate big hugs

Nowsthetime

Hahaha! That response is awesome Soberwolf. That's hilarious! Makes me smile. Society tells us we have to love our parents and that negative feelings towards them are wrong. Relationships are built on interactions... Thanks for putting it out there with me.

Hawks

Have you thought to consider that.....


Your Mom is not perfect and will not always handle situations perfectly and not everything she says to you will be perfect either.

You may be holding her to impossibly high standards.

If you are not perfect.... Do you really have any right to expect perfection from others??

The problem with looking for and expecting perfection is that

"Nobody is perfect"

And that is who ends up in your life if you keep cutting people off because they can't meet your impossibly high standards.

Forgive your Mom her imperfect response and keep on loving her for being your Mom and raising you the best she could.

airwick

Take it light; check out what my mom said to me.

I told her that I was a bit over 6 months, and her reply was "You didn't drink that much anyway"

I know she was not trying to hurt me with her words, she just don't know. Only YOU know, that's is why only an alcoholic can help themselves. They (myself and you) set our goals and achieve them

Good luck to both of us

Nowsthetime

I think perfect is boring. That's not what I want. There is a lot of backstory but I understand your point. I never hold anyone to perfection because o think that that is not real in the direct definition of the word... I'm not cutting her off either, never! She was a great mom in other ways. And yes, I just need to take it and let is go. I'm really trying to work on that because I realize that the only one that is bothering is me. Like Anna told me before, not worth the energy I'm spending on it... I guess it's nice to put it out there. I have never told my husband or anyone about her being drunk when I was younger.

nmd

That is probably the wisest choice. Parents aren't always accepting, and sometimes they need their own little compartment in our lives in order to be manageable. Protect you sobriety.

Gilmer

Post obsolete! We all posted at the same time!

ArtFriend

I think your mom is proud of you but perhaps it brings back memories of her own drinking when you were teen. Doesn't make her comment right, but it might not hurt as much if you think of the context in which she said it.

Seven months is awesome!!

Hawks

Oh good, pleased to hear that. Sincerely!!

I'll just say "quit whining" then

**jokes **

Nowsthetime

ouchhhh Hawks!

trachemys

I'm not commenting on your relationship with your mother. Only on your relationship with alcohol.

I don't keep count.

I realized for me it was counterproductive. I reduced my relationship with booze to three words:

I Don't Drink.

Days don't matter, nor do weeks or months. When the situation arises, three words are all I need.

That's just me.

Nowsthetime

Trachemys: I see a lot of power and what you're saying. For some reason keeping count it's been like an obsession to me. I'm gonna start thinking about it and talking about it less. You are right, it's only about me. That's what my husband said last night... I do talk about it a lot. Add that to the list of things to work on...

Anna

I had to detach from my mother in early recovery or I wouldn't be here today.

It sounds like boundaries would work well for you.

trachemys

I understand the obsession part. For me, obsessing over my past behavior left the door open to repeat that past behavior. It was better to cut the cords to my own history with alcohol. It renders my history powerless.

silentrun

Congrats on 7 months. Whatever you are doing it is working. To everyone except the people on here it looks like I just quit. What's the big deal anyway right? My husband would sometimes comment on how much time I spent on this site. He can't understand so I don't really talk that much about it to him. All our conversations about my drinking this past 18 months would fit inside a half our. If I bring it up he seems surprised that I am still dealing with it. He thinks you quit and then forget about it.

hopeful4

Good grief. How awful.

I know I am not your mom, but I will say....

Congrats to you! That is awesome! Good, good job!

Don't let anyone deter your sobriety, it's the best thing you can ever do for you!

Nowsthetime

Yes Silentrun, same with my hubby. He doesn't even know I post. He knows I read but that's it.

Altoids

Silentrun - I think you are right about how normies understand alcohol addiction "He thinks you quit and then forget about it. " When my sister was dieing of alcoholism 20+ years ago, my mom asked her what was in her glass. It was vodka and my sister said "I can't not drink." Mom didn't understand that at all. Fast forward to me and quitting 3 1/2 years ago, she was surprised when I mentioned a few months ago that I was struggling and couldn't get drinking off of my mind. She is still learning how strong addiction is, and I think my struggle and success has helped her understand some of what my sister was dealing with. I'm soooo thankful for the tools and 24/7 access I have to support. . . something that wasn't around when my sister was dealing with this.

So, to the original post, THAT's why we are here, Nowthetime. Many on the outside of recovery don't understand what we deal with. Our celebrations of our AWESOME DAYS is really something worth cheering about. Good for you!!! 7 months is AMAZING!!! I tend to think like Trachs, though. I do not count days. I started this journey in Feb 2011, slipped up a few times, but I don't know how long I have nor do I care. None of that matters if I don't take care of now, which is all I really have.

HUGS and prayers for you as you find a way to deal with this.

biminiblue

When I was in my early thirties I finally discovered that my mother wasn't God. She and I had put her on this really high pedestal. Knocking her off (in my head) was both frightening and liberating.

They are just people, doing what people do - making mistakes and speaking before we think - frequently. I know I say stuff that I wish I could take back all the time. Meh, it is what it is. Gives me an opportunity to practice forgiving.