luvmyfurbabies

This may be long so go get a cup of coffee or a soda and a pack of cigs if you smoke. I say this is kind of off topic because my father no longer drinks and hasn't since I was about 3 (I'm 44 now). This is my problem. My father has always had mental issues and takes a number of medication for chronic back pain and depression. He also takes Risperdol for Trichotillomania (chronic skin picking). After his house burned down about 3 years ago he lived like a gypsy for a while. Living with me was not an option. I found him an extremely nice Assisted Living Facility. He paid $626 a month compared to the other residents $3000 per month. Well after he lived there for 1 1/2 years he got kicked out for smoking in his room. Delaware law states no smoking in public places. So I found him an apartment about 6 miles from me. I furnished it the best I could. I had the phone, electric and cable turned on, took him shopping for necessities, etc. We bought him a used pickup and helped him get insurance. I took over his medications (morphine, Elavil, Zoloft, and Risperdol). Well I have realized that he is not doing well living by himself. Even though I only gave him 2 days worth of pills at a time he just couldn't understand how to take his pills in the morning and at night (I put them in those little plastic pill cases). He would fall asleep with cigarettes burning and his apartment looked like a pig sty. He asked the apartment manager for another key to his mailbox (I had the only one) so he could get his checks and cash them himself. Well by the 15th of this month he couldn't find his money. Thank goodness he had already given me enough to pay his electric and his cable. In so many words he has implied I stole the rest of the money when I cleaned his apartment. On Friday evening he came out to get his pills and he said that he hopes he never sees me again. I'm kind of used to him saying things like this. One of his favorites is "Your mother turned you against me". He has a doctors appointment tomorrow that he has no clue how to get to. He needs this appt. in order for Medicaid to continue paying for his meds. I want to call him and ask if he wants me to take him but I am so tired of the mind games he plays. Should I just give up and let him be? By the way, the property he lived on was in my and my mothers name and we found out when he moved to the ALF that we owed $4000 in back taxes even though she gave him the money every year to pay them. Needless to say, I sold the property, the taxes were paid, and I also paid my mother back the other $3000 he already owed her from many years of borrowing. She just can't say no. I'm trying very hard to not be codependent to him anymore but it's very hard. There's a lot more to tell but these are the basics. He is driving me crazy. Any advice? Barbara

Gabe

Hey Barbara,
Having lived through Alzheimer's disease with my Father, I know how hard it is to deal with a parent who is not functional mentally. It sounds like your Dad is no longer able to care for himself and needs some assistance in that regard. Is it possible for you to get some kind of visiting nurse care? That way his meds would be managed and his care would be monitored. If he is deteriorating mentally, he's not playing mind games with you. His mind is playing games with him.
Talk to his doctor and check out what resources are available in your county.
My heart goes out to you. This is a terribly sad and difficult thing to deal with.
Hugs,
Gabe

luvmyfurbabies

Hi Gabe, thanks for replying so fast. Actually my father did have nursing assistants coming in 2 times per week but after last week he refused to let them do anything. The Social Services nurse, his social worker and I had a meeting with him last Wednesday so they could determine how he was doing and they agreed that if it wasn't for me he could not live by himself. They said my only options were: 1. Have his doctor declare him incompetent and I would be his guardian. 2. Just let him do what he's doing. I know he's not well mentally or physically. He has an appt with his regular doctor Aug 18th and I'm going to mention his mental state (without him in the room of course). He is a very stubborn and strong willed man and he is used to doing what he wants, when he wants. He is also very quick to judge people without looking at both sides. He has pushed so many people away from him. It is very sad and I do feel sorry for him. Patience is a virtue, right? Thanks again. Barbara

Teggie

How difficult for you, I am sorry your having to deal with this. This goes on alot in society and sadly this is a very common problem in the elderly. I used to work home health and some of the peoples houses I went into I can't even describe the horror. But alot of those patient's were very resistant to changes too, and thier families often were constantly frustrated trying to make sure they were taken care of. There are some programs out there like primary care where they can send a worker out every day or a couple of days a week to do things like housekeeping, grocery shopping etc. If he's low income he may can qualify for those. If not check what the private cost may be. You might want to call your local department of human resources and see whats availible there. Also might an adult day care be a option of sorts? If you get to feeling that his safety may be in jeopardy a discussion about a nursing home may be in order or if he's real resistant to that sometimes your local adult protective services may be of assistance. Visiting nurses aka home health is only temporary, 2-6 weeks usually at the most and has only to do with teaching about meds and the disease process or IV therapy or other treatments. Medicare cuts have extremly nerfed this service forcing the patients to have to be really sick to qualify and then limits the visits to only 2-6 weeks. I hope this is helpful to you, I understand your frustration, esp when it sounds like you are the main caregiver. Hang in there and vent when you need to. Lots of hugs Teggie

smoke gets in my eyes

((( Barbara! )))

Both of my mom's parents had alzheimers and they were quite a handfull. You get tons of sympathy from me. I'm glad you're planning to talk to his doc. He/she may be able to guide you.

Extra hugs,
Smoke

Daffodil

((((((lovmyfurbabies))))))

No matter what the past has been between you and your father you might ask yourself if you will have regrets if you just walk away. He really isn't in his right mind, especially taking all those meds. The older we get the more we need the medical people to be sure that the meds and dosages are doing what they are supposed to do. Older people just don't process meds the way younger people do.

I am sure you already know all this but I had to put that in, having taken care of a few seniors myself. Now is a time you can really learn to use the tool detachment to your benefit. Without detachment as an everyday tool, I could never have walk the paths I've walked with the parent people in my life.

Be sure to take care of you.

Gabe

Barbara,
Stubborness and resistance to help is a part of all this. My Dad was a US Coast Guard Commander and very used to taking care of himself and managing his own affairs. Losing his ability to do that was devastating for him. It takes a whole lot of patience to love someone through this disease.
Prayers for you and your Dad,
Gabe

splendra

Barbara-

(((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))))))
Your dad is on quite a cocktail with his meds two narcotics and two antidepressants whoa!!! I hope we can look closely at his meds when he goes for his dr. appt. I am pretty sure the drug risperdol is supposedly a short term use drug and withdrawal can be a pain too. He is addicted to two narcotic drugs you know. Check out the side fxs of these drugs and see if it looks like he is suffering from any of them.

And do please take care of you.

luvmyfurbabies

Well, I did the right thing and took my dad to his doctors' appt on Tuesday. He was OK and I guess had forgotten that he "hoped he never saw me again". The doctor wrote him a prescription for IR (instant relief) morphine instead of the TR (timed release) he usually takes since Medicaid will pay for IR to hold him over until we can get his Pain Management contract approved. I talked to him for a few minutes on Wednesday night and didn't hear from him on Thursday. I knew Friday was check day and I NEVER hear from him on check day. This is the bad part. Today I was at work when my mother called me. My dads' friend that lives in the apartment downstairs came out to my house and told her that they didn't see him yesterday so they went up to his apartment, he was asleep and they couldn't wake him up. This morning he was still unresponsive AND had ants crawling all over him. I called 911, then left work to go to his apartment. The paramedics were working on him and said there were pills all over the place. Apparently he overdosed on the Morphine and maybe the Zoloft too. He is now in ICU on a respirator and they are keeping him sedated until they are sure the other medications are out of his system. We won't know about brain damage until he wakes up. I feel like a movie on Lifetime network. I now know he can not live alone. I just may have to have him declared incompetent. What a mess!! On top of that, when I came home this afternoon to get something to eat I ask my A b/f if he is going back to the hospital with me and he says "No". And yes I did go to the hospital with him last August when his mother tried to commit suicide. My mother offered to go with me but it's too much walking for her since she is on oxygen. What a day!!! I don't know what I'd do without you guys to vent to. :sink

best

thoughts.... OUCH and a *HUG* for you
Codie? If he is unable to grow and do on his own, I don't see it as being codie.

Cared for parents with health issues here till things reached a point we couldn't.
Tough choices. Your choices will be what you can and can't do. If you can't do enough and finding alternates that can do more for him then you are able....
Make your choices and don't pick up the false guilt that sometimes comes with choices.
Comes a point we can only do what we can do. There should be no guilt in that.

Ann

Barbara

It is truly heartbreaking to go through all this and I send you a thousand hugs.

The choices right now are perhaps not what you had hoped for, but it's time to do whatever you have to do to have him receive ongoing care. If that means a nursing home, then at least he will receive good care. You have really had your hands full and my heart goes out to you as well as many prayers.

Hugs
Ann

Daffodil

Sending gaint hugs and a lot of prayers!