mischa1

Well. It's been an interesting day. We talked all day and are going to keep trying at a distance to start. We are letting the annulment go through. I insisted on that. I also insisted we not live together for now and I agreed to stay the weekends. But I will be home during the week for work and my son. Once my son finishes his class mid December and we get through the holidays. God willing. Lots of travel and my family is really dysfunctional. It's a mess. So after that my son will move out and if he has been supporting himself and has steady work and has treated me the way he should. I also insisted on counseling. That was non negotiable. I told him he doesn't SEE what he does to people. He has destroyed us all financially. All of us completely devastated. He's being evicted so my husband is going to be homeless. It's unbelievable. I told him if he wants help I'll tell him where to get it. I will guide him as he does for himself if he needs it. I'm his wife and I love him. But I will not be abused neglected unloved mistreated anymore. I will try again at a distance. As he proves I'll get closer. As he falls back ill step back too. One day I will really leave but I'm not ready to yet.

amy55

IMHO, run and don't look back. I have been reading your posts. Yes, you do know him better then I do, but the picture you paste here, and I'm pretty sure it's on the kinder side, is he is a scam artist, but then again, you don't have much money, so I would go with personality disordered, or something even worse.

Please tell me why you are even listening to him. He bit you. You weren't even together that long. He will end up killing you. I know that sweet look that they can put on their face, but it is a serpent beneath it.

I'm sorry for my opinion, and I anticipate it being taken off the board, just know that I really worry about you.

What did your ex do to you that was so bad that you would let this serpent into your life? Believe me, I don't get like this often. In fact, I think this might be the first time. Are you that desperate for love? Then see a therapist. I'm sorry, he is going to kill you.

I hope you read this before the admins take it away

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))), really strong (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

amy55

Mischa, believe me, you don't want this. You are giving him a free pass to poop all over you.

ladyscribbler

How's your leg healing from where he bit you?
Hon, this guy has serious issues that are not fixable through "love." He probably does not experience love as a normal human being would feel it. He has no empathy, he sees others as either extensions of himself or tools to be used at his convenience.
Counseling will probably not do much either, people like him are master manipulators and very good and telling people what they want to hear. Look at how much he's managed to mess with your head and your life in such a short time.
This is exactly what you tried a few weeks ago. He showed you some kindness, you dropped your guard, you got hurt again.
Individual counseling for you will probably be more beneficial than couple's counseling with him. Figure out why you think that this is all you deserve, why you're settling for someone who uses and abuses you and is allowed to get away with it as long as he shows an occasional glimmer of kindness or semi-normal behavior.

iamthird

Your husband may mean it with all good intentions but you have to look at actions. I even got my separated AH to go to intensive outpatient therapy when we were together. He stopped drinking for a year and went and then he relapsed in the toughest of ways and we have been apart ever since.

You have to allow him to fall and find help on his own. If he is evicted, that was his consequences. Please put your son first and do not allow him to be around the toxic situation. I love my separated AH to this day I am in love with who he was before the progression of alcoholism. But I have children to consider. The pain of doing the right thing will in no way compare to the pain I will feel if my children resent me for exposing them to the drama of growing up in an alcoholic household and saddling them with issues for the rest of their lives.

To answer your question from the bottom of my heart, this is NOT progress. Progress would not be "talking" progress would be him "doing" those things himself. He is grown. He can find help if he needs it.

From experience, domestic violence always escalates. I do not believe a husband or wige ever plan to hurt each other but domestic violence situations escalate. You have to remove yourself from the situation and protect yourself and child. If things are ever going to change you have to make choices that make you feel good about yourself on the inside when nobody is looking. That is a rule I have come to live by. You might get your husband physically but you dont have your husband the way you should, mind, body and soul-he is not capable because he is not healthy right now.

My separated AH once threw hot coffee at me on the morning of my hysterectomy and I had to walk into surgery all burnt and a mess. Somehow I justified that and stayed. Looking back now I just realize I was as sick as he was. Today where I stand, there is a man who will treasure me and be what I deserve as I do believe there is someome for you. You have to believe you deserve it. Even if you dont believe it inside, be strong for your child.

Reading your post hits me hard and makes me cry because I can see what pain you are in. Deep down, you know this is not the right choice. Deep down, I always knew too. Please be well and take care of your heart.

Fandy

I think that you need to seriously seek some professional help and group support.

You seem to be justifying why you are still involved with him....even after all of the abuse he continually heaps on you.

stay over on weekends and constant contact is NOT progress, it is staying with crazy.

AnvilheadII

so when the unemployed alcoholic IS evicted, where are you going to stay on the weekends?

being in constant contact is not progress. you've basically switched deck chairs on the titanic. different view, same iceberg.

Sungrl

I'm his wife and I love him.


Not if you follow through with the annulment you aren't!!!!

Let him go.

Also, you titled this thread Progress? As if you are asking if that is what this is...

the answer to that is NO

SparkleKitty

It is in fact not unbelievable that your husband is going to be homeless, Mischa. His life has been barreling towards and into complete disaster for awhile now. It's perfectly believable and merely a taste of what you can expect if you stay enmeshed with him.

Not sure why you think you need a front-row seat for this, but we're here for you whatever happens.

lillamy

I understand not being ready to leave. However, you have to consider the facts on abusive partners. They don't get better. They only get better at abusing you. Every piece of yourself that you hand them gets turned around and used against you.

This is a man who has been physically abusive to you. It's very hard to admit that you are a woman in a situation of domestic violence. I thought that only happened to dumb uneducated women in trailer parks. That's a lie. It happens to women who try to love emotionally damaged men out of their damagedness. In castles and trailer parks.

I knew the statistics. I knew that most women who are killed are killed by a current or former partner. I just didn't for a moment think my AXH was capable of killing me. Turns out he was. Very much so.

Hope can kill you. If he had just been a sad sack alkie who cried and promised to do better, I'd say go with God and good luck. But this is a dangerous man. He behaved nicely for a little while and you took him back. He tested you by physically assaulting you (that's what that biting is -- it's an assault). You're still keeping him in your life and say you love him. That's giving him the go-ahead to continue the abuse.

Why do I know this? Because I've been there. In my case, it wasn't physical abuse, it was sexual abuse. I gave it legitimacy by not leaving when it happened. So he continued. Until he couldn't control me that way. Then he threatened to kill me.

I agree that seeing a counselor -- for yourself -- would be a very good thing. When we're in situations like that, our thinking gets muddled. People who are good at manipulating only get better the more they get to know you. You don't have to play along with the manipulation. But before I could get out of it, I had to realize that that's what it was -- manipulation.

I'm really worried about you.

Santa

My college-educated, six-figure income (formerly!) XAH went homeless. Your scam artist, abusive, deadbeat, unemployed alcoholic certainly can as well - as can you, if you insist on propping up this sociopath.

BunnyNest

Hi Mischa,

Where will you stay with him on the weekends if he is homeless?

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would not have understood the "one year" thing either...It is not until my loved one actually came close to the one year sober mark that we really saw remarkable change. Our normal was so skewed, that we thought we were seeing remarkable change at 1 hour, 1`day, 1 week, 1 month etc. But it was NOTHING like what we are seeing now that the year mark has passed.

Stepping away for one year and working on yourselves is a beautiful thing. There is a reason it is so often recommended.

Take a look at my quote in my signature.

Take care of you!

Refiner

No, this is actually very believable and I can't believe how far you're leaving your door open to him. Be ready for him to show up on your doorstep - it's going to happen. He's allowed it to progress to this and will pull out all the stops. Get ready and be prepared. You may want to learn how to protect yourself physically, too.