Figurin' it out....
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Figurin' it out....
Thanks to some helpful posts here and elsewhere, I am starting to backtrack and unravel the pathology that our relationship (my partner's and my) turned into over the past several years. I have decided the following:
1. People have reasons for doing and saying things, even if they are addicts and crazy.
2. If the alcoholic's first love is the bottle, and everyone else comes in below that, then they will do anything to protect their first love.
3. My partner is an alcoholic, and I believe, also has a sexual addiction. I walked in on him many years ago decked out in a padded bra. I also found pictures of him on a website for cross-dressers. He cried and pleaded (lied?)his way out of that episode, and we stayed together.
4. 2-1/2 years ago I lost my house and needed to move in with him. He suggested we "go our separate ways," which seemed very strange at the time. In retrospect, my being there 24/7 was going to cramp his drinking and cross-dressing style.
5. We separated in March this year. He paid lip service to trying to "work things out" until early July, when he told me he has "no love in his heart" for me. He never made an attempt, in spite of the lip service, to see me and discuss things.
6. I have seen him twice in the past month. He has been absolutely detached sober and drunk whenever he could.
I am starting to realize what I really have here, which isn't much. Sad about it, but realistic anyway. Any thoughts from you folks? Thanks!
1. People have reasons for doing and saying things, even if they are addicts and crazy.
2. If the alcoholic's first love is the bottle, and everyone else comes in below that, then they will do anything to protect their first love.
3. My partner is an alcoholic, and I believe, also has a sexual addiction. I walked in on him many years ago decked out in a padded bra. I also found pictures of him on a website for cross-dressers. He cried and pleaded (lied?)his way out of that episode, and we stayed together.
4. 2-1/2 years ago I lost my house and needed to move in with him. He suggested we "go our separate ways," which seemed very strange at the time. In retrospect, my being there 24/7 was going to cramp his drinking and cross-dressing style.
5. We separated in March this year. He paid lip service to trying to "work things out" until early July, when he told me he has "no love in his heart" for me. He never made an attempt, in spite of the lip service, to see me and discuss things.
6. I have seen him twice in the past month. He has been absolutely detached sober and drunk whenever he could.
I am starting to realize what I really have here, which isn't much. Sad about it, but realistic anyway. Any thoughts from you folks? Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME
Sorry Eauchiche, but he is telling you the truth that he has no love in his heart. A's can't love anything, but the bottle. Accept what he told you because he is being very honest with you, with his addiction. It is a horrible realization because you love them so much. I have been doing it for 34 years and finally said enough. I wish mine had told me that 33 years ago and maybe my life would have been different.... you never know.
I know it is hard but you need to take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and try and make a life without him. You don't have to do it all at once, just a little.
Maybe if or when he gets sober you can revisit your relationship. If he's still drinking then he will never be the partner that you "need" him to be.
Keep reading SR and work on yourself, as you are an awesome person for tolerating his behavior.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Sorry Eauchiche, but he is telling you the truth that he has no love in his heart. A's can't love anything, but the bottle. Accept what he told you because he is being very honest with you, with his addiction. It is a horrible realization because you love them so much. I have been doing it for 34 years and finally said enough. I wish mine had told me that 33 years ago and maybe my life would have been different.... you never know.
I know it is hard but you need to take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and try and make a life without him. You don't have to do it all at once, just a little.
Maybe if or when he gets sober you can revisit your relationship. If he's still drinking then he will never be the partner that you "need" him to be.
Keep reading SR and work on yourself, as you are an awesome person for tolerating his behavior.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Thanks Maia
I am open to a new and different relationship with him in the future, IF he is sober and working his program. The relationship we HAD was sick and needed to die.
I will always love him, and he will be in my heart. But, you are RIGHT, we cannot be together under the circumstances.
I am open to a new and different relationship with him in the future, IF he is sober and working his program. The relationship we HAD was sick and needed to die.
I will always love him, and he will be in my heart. But, you are RIGHT, we cannot be together under the circumstances.
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People have reasons for doing and saying things, even if they are addicts and crazy.
I can only decide whether I want to be around a person whose reasoning is crazy.
Good thinking, good work!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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What I found in therapy. Is that we can love from a distance. No one tells us that we have to stop loving our addict. That was a reality check for me, as I thought i had to hate him to leave him. We just learn that we can no longer live with them and accept the craziness.
Good luck and stay strong.
Good luck and stay strong.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Just another thought:
It has also occurred to me that when I was still living there, my partner would not drink more than I would, at least in front of me.
After I moved away to take the position I have, I was only home on the weekends. I am sure his drinking increased during that time, and the "disease" got worse. He was off work all summer long, and I'm sure all he did was sit home and drink. I wasn't even there on weekends any more.
His old personality has completely vanished and he is just a shell of a man with a hair-trigger temper.
If I wasn't a believer that a person could be possessed by demons, my partner's current state would make me into one.
It has also occurred to me that when I was still living there, my partner would not drink more than I would, at least in front of me.
After I moved away to take the position I have, I was only home on the weekends. I am sure his drinking increased during that time, and the "disease" got worse. He was off work all summer long, and I'm sure all he did was sit home and drink. I wasn't even there on weekends any more.
His old personality has completely vanished and he is just a shell of a man with a hair-trigger temper.
If I wasn't a believer that a person could be possessed by demons, my partner's current state would make me into one.
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