I'm new here, and today is 7 years
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Halifax
Posts: 2
I'm new here, and today is 7 years
I just found this site today. I was searching, looking for somewhere to belong. Without judgement or people saying "cheer up".
It's been 7 years today that my mother died from a drug overdose. To this day people still argue that it was suicide, or that her boyfriend did it to her, but I'm the one who knew her, the one who raised my own mother. She would never have left like that intentionally.
At this point I feel like I'm not allowed to miss her, or have days where I just want to scream LIFE ISN'T FAIR! People look at me like "how could you miss her with the way she was", or "it's been 7 years why are you still sad". They don't know. They haven't lost a parent, I lost her long before she died, but still I was there for her.
I hope I'm in the right place. I feel so alone in this. The only people who could understand this are others like me, which it feels like those don't exist.
It's been 7 years today that my mother died from a drug overdose. To this day people still argue that it was suicide, or that her boyfriend did it to her, but I'm the one who knew her, the one who raised my own mother. She would never have left like that intentionally.
At this point I feel like I'm not allowed to miss her, or have days where I just want to scream LIFE ISN'T FAIR! People look at me like "how could you miss her with the way she was", or "it's been 7 years why are you still sad". They don't know. They haven't lost a parent, I lost her long before she died, but still I was there for her.
I hope I'm in the right place. I feel so alone in this. The only people who could understand this are others like me, which it feels like those don't exist.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
You are in the right place.....Welcome.
You grieve and remember for you, please. Do not let others tell you how to feel. We all have faults and those that judge will indeed be judged harshest.
I am sorry for your loss.
peace
You grieve and remember for you, please. Do not let others tell you how to feel. We all have faults and those that judge will indeed be judged harshest.
I am sorry for your loss.
peace
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome Wishy13. I am glad you found us, but sorry for the pain which brought you here.
No one will judge you here.
Have you gotten grief counseling? You have every right to grieve your loss of your mother. People sometimes say things which are not helpful, because they don't know what else to say. Maybe they do not want to see you in pain, but telling you to cheer up won't bring us out of grieving our loved ones.
If you are stuck in deep depression over this, I would encourage you to get some counsel. it sounds like you had a tough time over the years, with your moms situation. You probably went through more than most people ever do, and they do not understand.
We do, though. Most of us understand drug problems, and their effects on those we love. We listen , and support each other here. Please feel free to share anything you wish, and know that you will find compassion and a lot of wisdom here, from personal experience with such things.
keep posting, and please, don't let anyone tell you what you should feel. Your feelings are valid and personally shaped by your experiences. and take care of yourself. I am sure that your mom would not wish this to destroy your happiness.
you are doing a good thing by reaching out!
No one will judge you here.
Have you gotten grief counseling? You have every right to grieve your loss of your mother. People sometimes say things which are not helpful, because they don't know what else to say. Maybe they do not want to see you in pain, but telling you to cheer up won't bring us out of grieving our loved ones.
If you are stuck in deep depression over this, I would encourage you to get some counsel. it sounds like you had a tough time over the years, with your moms situation. You probably went through more than most people ever do, and they do not understand.
We do, though. Most of us understand drug problems, and their effects on those we love. We listen , and support each other here. Please feel free to share anything you wish, and know that you will find compassion and a lot of wisdom here, from personal experience with such things.
keep posting, and please, don't let anyone tell you what you should feel. Your feelings are valid and personally shaped by your experiences. and take care of yourself. I am sure that your mom would not wish this to destroy your happiness.
you are doing a good thing by reaching out!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Welcome, Wishy, and so sorry for your grief and pain. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. Many of us here have "lost" our loved ones, spiritually, emotionally and/or physically. As a mother of a newly recovering addict, I completely understand the judgement you get from others. I have heard it about my girl, too many times. But as FlyNBuy said, you grieve and remember for you, not for others. And I agree that counseling would probably be a really good experience for you, if you aren't already getting some.
Do something nurturing for yourself today.
Do something nurturing for yourself today.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Far above my co-dependent rock bottom.
Posts: 50
I'm sorry for your loss.
Of course it still hurts.
(By the way, there is also another forum on Sober Recovery called Adult Children of Alcoholics. And they have meetings in real life, as well.)
Don't listen to anyone telling you your pain is strange or inappropriate!
And do give yourself time to work through your feelings, maybe with counselling or something like that.
You deserve it!
Of course it still hurts.
(By the way, there is also another forum on Sober Recovery called Adult Children of Alcoholics. And they have meetings in real life, as well.)
Don't listen to anyone telling you your pain is strange or inappropriate!
And do give yourself time to work through your feelings, maybe with counselling or something like that.
You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wishy, I am so sorry for you loss. Losing a parent for any reason is horrible. Especially if people judge you that she was an addict. Everyone at SR loves an addict in someway, that is why we are here. Its ok to mourn, love, hate or anything else the loss of your mother, it really doesnt matter what she was.
I think that you never moved on because no one said it was ok for you to have loved your mother. She did the best she could. God has a plan for all of us and that was his plan for her, no one could have changed anything. God also has a plan for you, but he doesn't tell us what it is. You need to mourn the loss and try and move on with your life.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
I think that you never moved on because no one said it was ok for you to have loved your mother. She did the best she could. God has a plan for all of us and that was his plan for her, no one could have changed anything. God also has a plan for you, but he doesn't tell us what it is. You need to mourn the loss and try and move on with your life.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Wishy...
Welcome to the Board.
Seven years, and your mom's loss is still acutely felt given how she died. The sad fact is when people make the decision to try drugs, the way it ends for a lot of them is in an early death. I don't know how long your mom was using, or how pernicious an influence her boyfriend was on her, but in my view, it doesn't matter. What does is you've lost your mom, and it still hurts.
Grief is a strange beast. And I've come to believe that there are some wounds that simply won't heal. The wounds might scab over, but there's always some event in our day to day lives that opens those wounds again.
So, yes, you've come to a good place. We have members who have lost loved ones to overdoses, or long term abuse, and my hope is they'll pipe up to offer you hope and support. My hope for you is you learn how to go on with your day-to-day life as best you can. That doesn't mean that you'll like it, or that you'll never feel what you're feeling now in terms of grief, pain and suffering. What it does mean is your life is important enough that you need to keep going.
And I think we can help you with that. Are you ready to learn how?
Welcome to the Board.
Seven years, and your mom's loss is still acutely felt given how she died. The sad fact is when people make the decision to try drugs, the way it ends for a lot of them is in an early death. I don't know how long your mom was using, or how pernicious an influence her boyfriend was on her, but in my view, it doesn't matter. What does is you've lost your mom, and it still hurts.
Grief is a strange beast. And I've come to believe that there are some wounds that simply won't heal. The wounds might scab over, but there's always some event in our day to day lives that opens those wounds again.
So, yes, you've come to a good place. We have members who have lost loved ones to overdoses, or long term abuse, and my hope is they'll pipe up to offer you hope and support. My hope for you is you learn how to go on with your day-to-day life as best you can. That doesn't mean that you'll like it, or that you'll never feel what you're feeling now in terms of grief, pain and suffering. What it does mean is your life is important enough that you need to keep going.
And I think we can help you with that. Are you ready to learn how?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Wishy13
What struck me when I read your post the first time is that you aren't looking for sympathy nor do you appear to be in the depths of self-pity. All I have to offer is my experience from having lost both my mother and father. My father died alcoholically and my mother died a prescription drug addict. The fact that you found this site and are reaching out indicates to me that you're ready to begin your healing. Some individuals cannot comfort nor can they understand your pain because they haven't experienced what you're going through. They speak out of ignorance. When my father was drunk he would call me and ask me to take him around different places to visit old friends. I would drop what I was doing and drive him around. Do I regret what I did? No, I do not. Did I nurture my father and take care of him when he was drunk and slobbering and living in the past? Yes, I did. Was it enabling him to continue to do what he was doing? Every situation is different. My father had no intentions of stopping drinking. I knew he was going to die alcoholically. Was it selfish of him to ask that much of me when I had a business to run and two small children to take care of? Yes, it was. I would get angry when he would call and ask me to do such things, but it's a choice I made. My husband had an invalid grandfather, in a wheelchair, who had been a heavy drinker in the past. My husband adored his grandfather. My husband's parents would leave town and my husband would sleep outside his grandfather's door, lying on the floor, in case he had to carry him to the bathroom. That's love. I've suffered other losses besides a mother and father to drug and alcohol addiction; the loss of my grandchildren when my son chose to take them away from me for two years because he was deep in addiction, and in his mind that's what he could do to hurt me the most. He hurt me to the extent he was hurting. He's been clean now for eight months and my grandchildren are back in my life. I'm grateful for that. Grief, to me, is a process. People told me to snap out of it, which caused more harm to me because I had no where else to take it but inside, thus, my feelings of loneliness. The toughest feeling I've had to deal with is sadness. I didn't know how about that sad stuff beause I'd been strong for people all my life. I'm not saying that to be a martyr. I've taken on some tough assignments for people, mostly family members, who were doing what I believe was the best they could do at the time. I've read your post several times, and what I see is a very insightful person into her mother's suffering, and, yes, you did know your mother better than anyone else. You were there for her, no matter what, whether she had four legs, three arms, and two heads, you loved your mother and cared for her as nobody else could or would. I've had a barrage of feelings to work through with each loss I've suffered in my life; sadness, loneliness, guilt, anger, fear, and I can't think of what all the other ones are right now. The way I got started that helped me to understand was I started writing. I picked up a legal pad and just hauled off and wrote. I think I remember starting off with, "Dad, I miss you so much." When I did that it opened up a floodgate of tears, which began my healing, and eventually acceptance that my dad was never coming back. But, Honey, sometimes we need permission to feel sadness. It's not a sign of weakness. I equated sadness with self-pity. Sadness was part of my healing. Grief is personal, and no doubt you don't feel safe when you expose yourself to others. I admire you for being so brave and reaching out and you've done it with brutal honesty and dignity. I understand what it's like to raise a parent. Good for you. I remember taking my dad for a stroll in the hospital with his little "hat", pushing him up and down that hallway, bald from the chemotherapy, and being so proud to be his little girl. You can't imagine how many times I had to sneak off into the bathroom and cry. I was going to lose my dad, I knew it, and I worshipped the ground he walked on. My dad loved me so much for the love I gave him. You didn't do anything wrong by taking care of your mother - not in my opinion. It might be that all of us will some day find ourselves in a place where nothing or nobody can reach us to snap out of the place we're in and God will send us an angel to help us until we either leave this earth or have that moment of clarity to where we find the strength to reach out. Enabling and compassion for another suffering human being to me are not the same. My dad would call me some mornings after drinking whiskey and vodka all night and would be choking. It was my choice whether to go over there and see about him. Would I have been able to live with myself had he choked to death because others would have considered that enabling? I have to live with myself, not what others think about my choices. I will share with you that my dad died in 1982, my mother died in 2005, my brother died in 2006, all three from prescription drugs or alcohol. I am the person I've always wanted to be having been there for them and giving the best I knew how at the time. I followed my heart. I have a husband who's been in recovery for 26 years and I have been in recovery for 17 years, so I've been on both sides. We've got to walk in another's shoes before we can help them with their pain. Did I suffer because of what I did for my mother, father, brother? I was inconvenienced many days. They're the ones who were suffering.
What struck me when I read your post the first time is that you aren't looking for sympathy nor do you appear to be in the depths of self-pity. All I have to offer is my experience from having lost both my mother and father. My father died alcoholically and my mother died a prescription drug addict. The fact that you found this site and are reaching out indicates to me that you're ready to begin your healing. Some individuals cannot comfort nor can they understand your pain because they haven't experienced what you're going through. They speak out of ignorance. When my father was drunk he would call me and ask me to take him around different places to visit old friends. I would drop what I was doing and drive him around. Do I regret what I did? No, I do not. Did I nurture my father and take care of him when he was drunk and slobbering and living in the past? Yes, I did. Was it enabling him to continue to do what he was doing? Every situation is different. My father had no intentions of stopping drinking. I knew he was going to die alcoholically. Was it selfish of him to ask that much of me when I had a business to run and two small children to take care of? Yes, it was. I would get angry when he would call and ask me to do such things, but it's a choice I made. My husband had an invalid grandfather, in a wheelchair, who had been a heavy drinker in the past. My husband adored his grandfather. My husband's parents would leave town and my husband would sleep outside his grandfather's door, lying on the floor, in case he had to carry him to the bathroom. That's love. I've suffered other losses besides a mother and father to drug and alcohol addiction; the loss of my grandchildren when my son chose to take them away from me for two years because he was deep in addiction, and in his mind that's what he could do to hurt me the most. He hurt me to the extent he was hurting. He's been clean now for eight months and my grandchildren are back in my life. I'm grateful for that. Grief, to me, is a process. People told me to snap out of it, which caused more harm to me because I had no where else to take it but inside, thus, my feelings of loneliness. The toughest feeling I've had to deal with is sadness. I didn't know how about that sad stuff beause I'd been strong for people all my life. I'm not saying that to be a martyr. I've taken on some tough assignments for people, mostly family members, who were doing what I believe was the best they could do at the time. I've read your post several times, and what I see is a very insightful person into her mother's suffering, and, yes, you did know your mother better than anyone else. You were there for her, no matter what, whether she had four legs, three arms, and two heads, you loved your mother and cared for her as nobody else could or would. I've had a barrage of feelings to work through with each loss I've suffered in my life; sadness, loneliness, guilt, anger, fear, and I can't think of what all the other ones are right now. The way I got started that helped me to understand was I started writing. I picked up a legal pad and just hauled off and wrote. I think I remember starting off with, "Dad, I miss you so much." When I did that it opened up a floodgate of tears, which began my healing, and eventually acceptance that my dad was never coming back. But, Honey, sometimes we need permission to feel sadness. It's not a sign of weakness. I equated sadness with self-pity. Sadness was part of my healing. Grief is personal, and no doubt you don't feel safe when you expose yourself to others. I admire you for being so brave and reaching out and you've done it with brutal honesty and dignity. I understand what it's like to raise a parent. Good for you. I remember taking my dad for a stroll in the hospital with his little "hat", pushing him up and down that hallway, bald from the chemotherapy, and being so proud to be his little girl. You can't imagine how many times I had to sneak off into the bathroom and cry. I was going to lose my dad, I knew it, and I worshipped the ground he walked on. My dad loved me so much for the love I gave him. You didn't do anything wrong by taking care of your mother - not in my opinion. It might be that all of us will some day find ourselves in a place where nothing or nobody can reach us to snap out of the place we're in and God will send us an angel to help us until we either leave this earth or have that moment of clarity to where we find the strength to reach out. Enabling and compassion for another suffering human being to me are not the same. My dad would call me some mornings after drinking whiskey and vodka all night and would be choking. It was my choice whether to go over there and see about him. Would I have been able to live with myself had he choked to death because others would have considered that enabling? I have to live with myself, not what others think about my choices. I will share with you that my dad died in 1982, my mother died in 2005, my brother died in 2006, all three from prescription drugs or alcohol. I am the person I've always wanted to be having been there for them and giving the best I knew how at the time. I followed my heart. I have a husband who's been in recovery for 26 years and I have been in recovery for 17 years, so I've been on both sides. We've got to walk in another's shoes before we can help them with their pain. Did I suffer because of what I did for my mother, father, brother? I was inconvenienced many days. They're the ones who were suffering.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wishy, I want to welcome you here. I am so so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
The thing is, she was your mom. One of the strongest bonds there is. Don't let what anyone else thinks worry you.
Tight Hugs.....
The thing is, she was your mom. One of the strongest bonds there is. Don't let what anyone else thinks worry you.
Tight Hugs.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Wishy, glad you are here...it is good to grieve and let it be what it is...lost a child to SIDS and was very fortunate to be counseled in this...and it made such a difference...and letting it go and letting the grief be real is what makes the difference.
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom...and that is what it is...the loss of YOUR mom and you did everything you could. Hopefully being here will bring some comfort and knowledge that you are in good company.
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom...and that is what it is...the loss of YOUR mom and you did everything you could. Hopefully being here will bring some comfort and knowledge that you are in good company.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Wishy ... djlook wrote an insightful message. It could not be written better. Be proud of what you did out of love. Losing your mom is so difficult. No ones feelings on the subject matter, but yours. Please keep sharing, it helps. But think about grief counseling. I am sure your mom is proud of the daughter that you are.
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