My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 75
My Story
Hi everyone, I'm on Day 7 of recovery and still white-knuckling it, although it seems to get a little better each day.
I'm 37 and have been an alcoholic for over 10 years - seeing that typed out, it's amazing how much of my life has been spent drunk.
I won't dwell too much on the past, but I could probably have been called a "functional alcoholic" - promoted over the years - and quietly drinking myself into a stupor almost every night. I'm an introvert anyway, and not a boisterous drunk, so it was almost too easy to sneak bottles into the recycling container, hide hangovers the next morning...
...until I couldn't. I noticed my circle of friends was dwindling to almost nothing. I never wanted to risk a DUI, so why not just stay at home to drink? I also noticed the physical toll alcohol was taking on my body. I can't tell you how many near-misses I had at work: throwing up in the office restroom, throwing up in an airplane bathroom on a business trip. I knew things were spiraling out of control. But hey, I'd taken "breathers" before, so I figured I'd do it again this time. Stop drinking for a while and try to moderate after that.
Ironically, my drinking didn't make me take a hard look in the mirror - stopping did. My pushing-40 self rebelled after so many years of abuse and I got hit with withdrawals for the first time in my life. I couldn't believe what was happening: chills, tremors, sweating - and worst of all, anxiety and panic attacks that made me think I was dying. On Day 2 I had to ask to be taken to urgent care where I was given an IV of fluids and a long follow-up list for substance abuse treatment. I was humiliated, but knew I had to change. I called my family and told them I was an alcoholic. They thought I just needed to cut back - little did they know - but I realized I'd been avoiding the term "alcoholic" before because I didn't want to shut the door on not being able to drink again - ever.
So I've spent the last couple of days reading some really great posts and am so lucky to have found this forum. Everything from taking things one day at a time, to comparing alcohol to a peanut allergy - you can't "moderate" something that will kill you - really struck home. If I could add one thing, it would be a revelation I had during some really bad cravings where I thought, "I'd do anything for a whisky and Coke." That's not true. If I did have just one, would I be satisfied? No. I'd want about 6 more. As a wise person here said, if someone likes Pepsi, do they want 12 at a time? It really puts the hold addiction has on you in perspective.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it's nice to be able to share my feelings. I'm looking forward to going days without even thinking about drinking, where I don't have to consciously do meditation exercises or try to find ways to fill the time. But I know I have to take it slow, beginning with physical recovery. The "peaceful days" will have to wait for a bit.
Thanks for reading,
Drew
I'm 37 and have been an alcoholic for over 10 years - seeing that typed out, it's amazing how much of my life has been spent drunk.
I won't dwell too much on the past, but I could probably have been called a "functional alcoholic" - promoted over the years - and quietly drinking myself into a stupor almost every night. I'm an introvert anyway, and not a boisterous drunk, so it was almost too easy to sneak bottles into the recycling container, hide hangovers the next morning...
...until I couldn't. I noticed my circle of friends was dwindling to almost nothing. I never wanted to risk a DUI, so why not just stay at home to drink? I also noticed the physical toll alcohol was taking on my body. I can't tell you how many near-misses I had at work: throwing up in the office restroom, throwing up in an airplane bathroom on a business trip. I knew things were spiraling out of control. But hey, I'd taken "breathers" before, so I figured I'd do it again this time. Stop drinking for a while and try to moderate after that.
Ironically, my drinking didn't make me take a hard look in the mirror - stopping did. My pushing-40 self rebelled after so many years of abuse and I got hit with withdrawals for the first time in my life. I couldn't believe what was happening: chills, tremors, sweating - and worst of all, anxiety and panic attacks that made me think I was dying. On Day 2 I had to ask to be taken to urgent care where I was given an IV of fluids and a long follow-up list for substance abuse treatment. I was humiliated, but knew I had to change. I called my family and told them I was an alcoholic. They thought I just needed to cut back - little did they know - but I realized I'd been avoiding the term "alcoholic" before because I didn't want to shut the door on not being able to drink again - ever.
So I've spent the last couple of days reading some really great posts and am so lucky to have found this forum. Everything from taking things one day at a time, to comparing alcohol to a peanut allergy - you can't "moderate" something that will kill you - really struck home. If I could add one thing, it would be a revelation I had during some really bad cravings where I thought, "I'd do anything for a whisky and Coke." That's not true. If I did have just one, would I be satisfied? No. I'd want about 6 more. As a wise person here said, if someone likes Pepsi, do they want 12 at a time? It really puts the hold addiction has on you in perspective.
I'm sorry this is so long, but it's nice to be able to share my feelings. I'm looking forward to going days without even thinking about drinking, where I don't have to consciously do meditation exercises or try to find ways to fill the time. But I know I have to take it slow, beginning with physical recovery. The "peaceful days" will have to wait for a bit.
Thanks for reading,
Drew
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome, Drew! I can completely relate to your post, especially the dichotomy between appearing functional and living an empty shell of a life. I think it was probably a blessing for you to go to urgent care and have to face your addiction head-on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Welcome Weatherman. I am at the same crossroads of life as you. I just turned 38, been an alcoholic for about 10 years too. I waited too long and lost everything before I got help. You made a wise choice to finally put an end to the madness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Thanks for sharing your story, Weatherman! I could relate to it a lot. I'm an introvert too, so it was all too easy to start shutting myself off from people and the world in favour of alcohol. Now, three months into sobriety, I'm back and it feels very liberating.
It's wonderful that you decided to stop for good. Life gets so much better when you do! Welcome to the forum, it's a great place for support and inspiration. Stay here and read and post a lot, it really helps.
It's wonderful that you decided to stop for good. Life gets so much better when you do! Welcome to the forum, it's a great place for support and inspiration. Stay here and read and post a lot, it really helps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Welcome Drew. For what it's worth, your story sounds very similar to mine. I quit drinking 2+ years ago at age 37 also. Like you, I'd also begun drinking at home, and saw my friends dwindle. And, like you, I also maintained a job and had been promoted through the years and on the outside looked successful.
You are making the right move. In my case, I got worse before I got better and started having seizures - much to the shock and horror of my remaining friends and my family. The only way out of this is to stop consuming alcohol all together. When I found SR I was just beginning my journey as well. In my experience, having a forum like this to share your story with others who have similar experiences is extremely helpful. We are here to support you in this journey! I know it sucks right now, but please lean on this forum for assistance, for coping skills, or just to vent. It's a great resource. Again, welcome Drew!
You are making the right move. In my case, I got worse before I got better and started having seizures - much to the shock and horror of my remaining friends and my family. The only way out of this is to stop consuming alcohol all together. When I found SR I was just beginning my journey as well. In my experience, having a forum like this to share your story with others who have similar experiences is extremely helpful. We are here to support you in this journey! I know it sucks right now, but please lean on this forum for assistance, for coping skills, or just to vent. It's a great resource. Again, welcome Drew!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Welcome to the island of misfit toys!! We needed a Drew and it's you!
Good news - you never have to drink again.
Willingness and desire to be sober above all else is the key that unlocks the gate!
Welcome aboard....Glad you're here!
Good news - you never have to drink again.
Willingness and desire to be sober above all else is the key that unlocks the gate!
Welcome aboard....Glad you're here!
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