Just ordered "Get Your Loved One Sober"from the library

Old 10-07-2014, 11:57 AM
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Just ordered "Get Your Loved One Sober"from the library

Because of all the wonderful information on this forum, and because of some wonderful information given to me privately, I am so excited to have ordered "Get Your Loved One Sober" from the library today. It's available so I will be able to pick it up in the next couple of days.

AH is trying so hard, and AA doesn't seem to work for him (he feels shameful and full of guilt when he goes) so I'm hoping this will be a more positive, loving approach to the "rock bottom" approach. Crossing my fingers!
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Old 10-07-2014, 12:18 PM
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Thats great ! Its also good to mention the library because its a great way for people to get free resources on many of the books we talk about. Would you believe I renewed my library card after the relapse ! I hadnt been in a long time, they even remodeled the whole building since last time I was there.

If you want to discuss the book at any point, please let me know. Smart also has a nice handbook available and its about $10, it brings out some points from the book and mixes it with cognitive behavior tools.

Thank you for posting, made my day, I was just sharing how I was feeling a little down today.
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Old 10-08-2014, 12:02 AM
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Soverylost...

I was wondering if your husband ever looked at something like SMART Recovery or Rational Recovery?

I think I was reading your not close to a lot of meetings... there might/might not be Smart meetings close to you.. but they also offer a lot of online meetings and support. Their general meetings are for anyone to learn the behavioral tools.. in addition to this there are meetings only for family members and CRAFT is discussed in those .

There are many couples who use SMART together.. because it really is based on therapeutic tools. My husband didn't gravitate to the AA side either.. he used therapeutic approaches/saw a therapist for quite a while.. now he only goes periodically for a check in... I like Smart because it teaches you skills and then you graduate so to speak... its ok to stay involved as long as you want, use the support mechanisms, continue to share with others.. but the goal is not to have reliance on the program, its to move the power back to you.
And like AA the program is free, will offer books / materials to purchase, and accept donations through a pass the hat type of thing.. but its not required and especially not for online participants.

When I go to the Smart site I usually find something uplifting there. I read the blogs and always think I wish I could write like that... LOL
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Old 10-08-2014, 06:12 AM
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Please feel free to discuss all programs as long as it is without reference to AA as is stated on the rules of this forum.
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Old 10-08-2014, 02:13 PM
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Yeah unfortunately no Rational Recovery or Smart near us. Closest one is 2.5 hrs one way, and that's in an intake facility and closed to the public. So it'll have to be information I can gather on my own.

It's a shame, because that is really what will work for him I think. And he's not one to research, I'm the reader and researcher in our family and I hate that. LOL!

Blue, I'd love to do a book study as soon as I get it and browse through it!
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Old 10-08-2014, 06:23 PM
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That would be great, but no PresSUre !! It took me a while to go through it because I did it a little like a text book. And you might not even find it helpful, but I hope part of it will be at least.
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Old 10-09-2014, 08:56 AM
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I just started looking at SMART. I passed the information along to my A. Hopefully it'll be something of interest to him, as other programs are a little too much for him to handle as an introvert.
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Old 10-09-2014, 11:26 AM
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I'm an introvert too, Dreamer, I totally understand. Hopefully something in there will help him.
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Old 10-09-2014, 02:28 PM
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My husband is very private, and most people wouldn’t ever think he was introverted, but he has a hard time sharing his feelings, talking about himself, or trusting people on a deep personal level. It took him a while to feel comfortable with the counselor he works with, but I think they finally have a good relationship. He talks to me a lot too, this is one of the reasons I believed in the idea our relationships do have power to influence.

But, I have this secret from him regarding my using SR and Smart. I found SR when he was in the hospital, and after this he went to rehab so it was a non issue, he never walked by when I was online and could ask me what I was doing. Later I found Smart through people here, but now I feel guilty for not being honest and divulging this to him, and whats worse is I think he might like the Smart site and possibly he would use it as a recovery tool. This part makes me feel real guilty.
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Old 10-09-2014, 06:42 PM
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So Blue, read the introduction today and if I have it right, it says you don't detach??!! That's kind of opposite of what everyone says. Have I misunderstood?

I personally hate detaching, because I do it so poorly. It's either all or nothing with me, I can't "detach with love" as hard as I try. So if I don't have to detach, this is wonderful!
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Old 10-10-2014, 12:04 AM
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Hi Soverylost – hope you don’t mind my jumping in…

You got it right... CRAFT does not ask you to detach from your loved one… instead they ask you to Engage with your loved one…

One of the key components of the program is dependent on the level of communication between you.. Its hard to communicate at a high level if your detached..

later in the book you will learn how to respond to negative behaviors such as drinking episodes…or other situations you identify as you develop your plan. These events will require you to temporarily disengage. Whats important to think about is.. its your plan, specific to your relationship and the dynamics going on between you and your husband.

I found it all to be very exciting, but its challenging too.. and takes a lot of courage… change is a process, not an event so take your time and please keep us all posted as you go along.

Here are a couple of references, the first one may be what you were reading:

We do not teach detachment from the person you love. To the contrary, we try in every way to help you make the relationship work. We emphasize education, empowerment, and hope. You will learn to take charge of your life and to develop a better relationship with your loved one. Along with that, however you will also learn how to ensure a better quality of life for yourself, even if in the end your drinker chooses to remain drunk. – Get your loved one sober, alternative to nagging, pleading and threatening by Robert J. Meyers
…I would say engagement is almost the opposite of detaching… I think when you step away, you have no impact on the ability to make change – Dr Josh King, Center for Motivation and Change
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Old 10-10-2014, 07:16 AM
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Thanks, allfor, engaging is definitely something I can do! LOL! I guess that it's learning to engage positively, which I do have problems with. I hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him that I need to work through, it does not promote healthy communication.

And that's exactly it, with us, communication. We used to communicate very well. then the drinking got more and more, and walls went up more and more, we both stopped communicating. I've got a lot of hope that this program, as well as our counseling, will help that.

I saw our counselor on my own yesterday. He wanted to see each of us individually. He is confident he can help us, but we both need to be in this 110%. I am, and I'm sure AH is. he hasn't drank for a week and has been working very hard on his temper and frustration levels. I have a lot of hope at the moment where I didn't before.

Blue, I am doing this without AH knowing too. I am not able at the moment to share this with him, he would not be very receptive and I don't really want to share. I want to start this and see how it goes. I think that's ok to keep it to yourself, you're not hiding anything, you are practicing it all in plain sight. It's only the mechanics that you've learned on your own. I'm not sure if your AH is like mine but mine isn't one to look into things and research, he'd much rather have things summed up for him or, even better, put into practice and he can just continue with it.
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Old 10-10-2014, 12:33 PM
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Your officially a CSO now !! concerned significant other

Allfor did a better job explaining than I could, but isnt it an awesome feeling to know you arent completely powerless? You get to draw your own roadmap!

Someone told me a while back they thought Craft would work best when couples have a good relationship, because how can you work it if your so filled with anger and bitterness at your spouse ? It wouldnt end up very positive or sincere!

I think you should have hope because at least right now your both engaged in change. Seeing the counselor is an important step too. I think somewhere in craft, and I know smart says it doesnt intend to be a replacement for professional aid, but it accompanies these efforts. I found it fits right in with our counseling because we focus a lot on communicating, understanding ourselves and each other.

Thank you for your words, its hard. I dont feel ashamed of reaching out for help, or for reading things to help me or our relationship. But its also awkward. somewhere in the book I think it talks about a woman who started using it, she didnt tell her husband. months went by and they were doing better. one day he found the book, thumbed through it and told her this book would be good for one of their neighbors. He was sincere and she had to laugh, its how subtle craft is, not like dropping a bomb.
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Old 10-10-2014, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
Someone told me a while back they thought Craft would work best when couples have a good relationship, because how can you work it if your so filled with anger and bitterness at your spouse ? It wouldnt end up very positive or sincere!

I think you should have hope because at least right now your both engaged in change. Seeing the counselor is an important step too. I think somewhere in craft, and I know smart says it doesnt intend to be a replacement for professional aid, but it accompanies these efforts. I found it fits right in with our counseling because we focus a lot on communicating, understanding ourselves and each other.

Thank you for your words, its hard. I dont feel ashamed of reaching out for help, or for reading things to help me or our relationship. But its also awkward. somewhere in the book I think it talks about a woman who started using it, she didnt tell her husband. months went by and they were doing better. one day he found the book, thumbed through it and told her this book would be good for one of their neighbors. He was sincere and she had to laugh, its how subtle craft is, not like dropping a bomb.
So how do you work through your anger and bitterness? I genuinely love him, and want to have that great relationship back, but sometimes my resentment takes my breath away. It's like a demon living inside my heart, if that makes sense. It says to me, don't get too happy, don't trust too much, don't believe him, he's hurt you and he's going to again. Those feelings come at the strangest times, so I'm almost taken by surprise. I have to force the feelings back down to feel the happiness and love again. Does that make any sense at all?

My AH is totally like the woman's husband in the book. I'm sure he doesn't even realize I've already begun to change the way I interact with him without even reading the book (I'm still on the introduction) I've been much more positive and encouraging and I can see the change in him also, and I doubt he even knows what I've done LOL! I think that's the way couples should be though, positive and uplifting, and I know I've failed miserably, especially these past few years. It changes now!
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Old 10-10-2014, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by soverylost View Post
So how do you work through your anger and bitterness? I genuinely love him, and want to have that great relationship back, but sometimes my resentment takes my breath away. It's like a demon living inside my heart, if that makes sense. It says to me, don't get too happy, don't trust too much, don't believe him, he's hurt you and he's going to again. Those feelings come at the strangest times, so I'm almost taken by surprise. I have to force the feelings back down to feel the happiness and love again. Does that make any sense at all?
Of course it does !!

I wish I had the answer but I don’t. I think its good to remember you and your family have suffered because of his illness. He has a responsibility in this because hes not just a man, hes also a husband and father.It helped me to understand the way addiction works inside the person. Its sneaky and lies to them, and this is why its so illogical. Its doesn’t take responsibility off them, but for me it helped shed some of the anger. I think its important to find your voice, and have an outlet to express your feelings. Explore whats been locked inside because with me if it sits there it grows bigger inside me, or I push it down knowing it will come back with a vengeance later. Other people here dealt with it longer than me and had a bigger list of hurts Im sure, but the hardest thing for me was his cheating. I wont get into that but it felt like it cut me, reflected on me, and it took me a while to work through just this part, then to deal with my feelings about him. The individual counselor and the marriage counselor should be able to help you I hope. I got a lot of help this way, and I also wrote a lot of things out, and talked it over with myself, and picked a couple people here to unload on via pm mostly, having non judgmental feedback helped.

I cant say embrace your anger and pain, but realize its there and serves a purpose. Maybe understanding the hurts can help when you start working on setting personal healthy boundaries. Ooohh I like that !! I think I used my hurts this way, as a lesson and tool for better health.
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Old 10-10-2014, 11:47 PM
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Originally Posted by soverylost View Post
Thanks, allfor, engaging is definitely something I can do! LOL! I guess that it's learning to engage positively, which I do have problems with. I hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him that I need to work through, it does not promote healthy communication.

And that's exactly it, with us, communication. We used to communicate very well. then the drinking got more and more, and walls went up more and more, we both stopped communicating. I've got a lot of hope that this program, as well as our counseling, will help that.

I saw our counselor on my own yesterday. He wanted to see each of us individually. He is confident he can help us, but we both need to be in this 110%. I am, and I'm sure AH is. he hasn't drank for a week and has been working very hard on his temper and frustration levels. I have a lot of hope at the moment where I didn't before.
This is good news I had to intervene to get my husband to go into treatment, but after a while it clicked and he really wanted to recover and get his life back. One of his motivations was our son, he was an infant at the time... I should clarify it wasn't my son exactly; it was all the dreams, and the future my husband envisioned for himself, and being there as a dad was a big motivation for him. We had a good relationship too until he started using, then we ended up separated for about a yearl; barely spoke.

He had to work on quitting the drugs, and then we both had to work on the marriage. I know its really hard to be where your at... the future is unknown, and there are no guarantees. I just knew there were certain things I had to do, had to try.. otherwise I would have regretted it. It sounds like you found a good therapist.. I will be sending up prayers for you both.

Like you said in the later post.. you have already started changing some of your behaviors and your seeing a difference... this is good too.. Do you feel a little more relaxed at home? I think in one post I read before.. you were saying you felt like he held the power.. do you see now you will be able to reclaim your power? You hold the key
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Old 10-11-2014, 09:33 PM
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Thanks allfor, for the extra prayers. Right now, this early time when the urges are still so strong, is hard. Ah is struggling but determined.

Wonderful that your husband got treatment before your son had to see most of it! We have two kids, a daughter who's 15 and a son that's 2. Our dd has seen far too much but has great childhood memories since the worst of it has been the past three years. Our son is hopefully too young still and will grow up knowing a sober daddy.

I can feel myself taking some of my power back. It's a quiet, determined kind of power. As hard as all of this is, I have grown and matured so much. Sometimes wish it didn't have to be this way, but like Blue said, take it, and grow and learn from it. I gave him all my power and then got upset when he abused it. So now I'm learning that I hold a lot of power and I need to manage it for the positive.

I'm just beginning to learn and sometimes it's very overwhelming. The only thing I know right now is I've come too far to turn around or give up. When you're going through hell, keep going, right? I do hold the key, just need to figure out how to put it in the lock.
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Old 10-12-2014, 11:30 AM
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Just realized my library book goes from page 40 to page 73. I'm missing 33 pages from the middle
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Old 10-12-2014, 04:34 PM
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OMG they stole the ROAD MAP and the DRIVERS SEAT !!

I will PM you.
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