Lola23

Hi Everyone,
First off - sorry for the long post but here goes....

I haven't been posting much on purpose, but I'm still here and doing ok. Mostly the reason I wasn't posting the last week or so is b/c I knew this past weekend I had planned a trip to NYC to visit a friend, and honestly...I knew I was going to drink. I felt a little dishonest posting here and then knowing in the back of my head that I was going to drink. I figured I would drink for the weekend out of town and then just come back home and get back to my "normal" sober life which I've come to enjoy.

Things did not go as planned.

The first night I got there, my friend and I went to dinner and I had about 3 drinks (nothing crazy). Well, the next day I was REALLY sick. Like, vomiting every few hours. I honestly don't know if it was from drinking, the guilt of drinking or if I just ate something bad...but I was so sick that I ended up in my friend's apartment the whole day and evening. I missed the broadway show that night that we had paid $160/ticket for!! My friend thought maybe I had food poisoning or something, and maybe I did, but in my heart, I kinda owe it to the drinks I had when I KNOW I should not have been drinking.

It gets worse though - the day I was leaving NYC to get in a train to go home, I got into a car accident in the taxi cab. I slammed my face on the plastic partition in the taxi. I was in the Emergency Room for the rest of the day. My nose is fractured and I am black and blue over my whole face. Hopefully no other broken bones in my face but I'll have to wait until the swelling goes down to know for sure. I look terrible...But I am ok. And obviously, it was not my fault as I was just in the back of the taxi cab, but somehow I am associating it with my decision to drink over the weekend even though I KNOW its not really related. I'm not sure how to reconcile the thoughts in my head. My mind is kinda all over the place.

I left NYC on Sunday night and am back home now. I've been prescribed pain killers and I will go to my regular doctor today who I'm told will likely give me some anti-anxiety medication b/c I am having bad nightmares from the whole thing and having trouble sleeping. Last night I had a nightmare that the accident happened b/c I was drinking and driving and I was stuck in the car and cldn't get out. And when I awoke with the aching in my face, I was so scared that it was true until I remembered what actually happened.

Anyways, I don't know what the point of this post is but I just wanted to check in and let my friends here at SR know that I'm still here and despite some bad choices, my resolve is remaining strong. I can't help but think that that if this was a year ago, I would use this as an excuse to drink (I just got into a car accident...pass me the vodka to numb the pain!!). And today I don't. I just want to my injuries to heal and move on.

Thanks of reading and I hope you're well.

PurpleKnight

Hey Lola, it might be time to commit to a real plan of recovery, I used to "plan" my drinking, a few breaks here and there with the intention of going back to Sobriety, the reality though was quite different, it simply fuelled the flames of my addiction.

When I realised abstinence is what would benefit my life, I needed to change the activities I got involved in and the people I hung out with.

I was now a "non drinker" and there could be no compromise on that if it was going to work!!

Go at things again, you can do this!!

FreeOwl

wow, what a sucky weekend.

quit drinking.

Buggirl

Sorry to hear your bad news! Hope you are ok? Please stay strong and I hope you quit!

Ellay

NYC is a place I so want to go to! Sorry you had such a crappy time, and hope your nose feels better soon!!!

luvmygirls

Whoa, that's terrible!!! How long had you been sober when you had those 3 drinks? I'm glad you're OK.

ScottFromWI

I pulled a couple of statements out of your message below.

Things never go as planned when we plan to drink. It's sort of like someone with a peanut allergy saying, "well, I think I'll try eating some peanuts this weekend and see what happens, but then go back to not eating peanuts on Monday".

It's a familiar argument though, I had it with myself for years. I tried controlling how much I drank. I tried controlling what I drank. I tried controlling when I drank during the day. I tried controlling which days of the week I drank. And I tried countless combinations of the above, but each and every time I simply ended up drinking - more than I planned and more often than I planned.

And that's it in a nutshell - if you are an alcoholic, you can't plan your drinking - period. Either you don't drink at all, or you accept that you are going to drink a lot - and that bad things are going to happen because of it.

Jupiters

in her defence, I don't think her accident had anything to do with her drinking. She wasn't driving the car.

Fly N Buy

When I drank heavily, many times I would attribute my next day sickness to those darn pork sliders, bad waffles as 2 am, undercooked whatever.......

With me though, this was untrue as saying I only had a few drinks, nothing over the top! What a bunch of bull.

Sorry bout the cab ride, that sucks.
PK posted about a real plan of recovery. For alcoholics this is an all or nothing game. One can't paly 3 quarters and go the locker room with a W.

Hope you find your way back.....

peace

Anna

Lola, I agree with Jupiters that you weren't driving so it's probably not related to your drinking, but I understand how you feel it does.

I also agree with Scott, things never go as planned when drinking. I would so carefully plan to control my drinking, and I always ended up in a mess.

I hope you commit to sobriety.

trachemys

C'mere you.

Now stop drinking.

littlefish

I think it's tough to be in the drinking twilight zone. I did exactly what you did, and thought exactly how you thought: have a few drinks and then go back to sobriety.
I know that the awful things that happened to you had nothing to do with drinking, but, awful things would inevitably happen to me when I tried to drink safely.
What do you think is keeping you from making that full commitment to sobriety?
I know that I proved time and time again I couldn't take a holiday from sobriety: I never had any control over the time when I would make it back from the drinking.

DrunkTx

Lola - it sucks when so many variables go wrong at once. Being a native of NY, I can assure you the cab driver accident had nothing to do with you - well except maybe for your nose . Planning the drinking - I guess my question is what did you stand to gain from it? What experience were you hoping for. Thankfully I realized this early on in sobriety: the chances of having a good time were always variable if I contemplated drinking again even if for just one night. The certainty of regret however was unambiguous. God, taxes and regret if I drink! My only certainties in life.

Lola23

Well, some of these responses are umm...interesting? Maybe my head is foggy but to be clear, I was NOT drinking when the accident occured. I didn't get into a taxi b/c I was drinking. I got into a taxi b/c it was New York City and everyone rides in a taxi there. As in...everyone. Sober or not sober. So yea, my broken face and concussion really has nothing to do with whether or not I was drinking. (And again, just to be clear...I wasn't when the accident happened).

I don't know, maybe I'm taking this the wrong way. And not all of the responses...just a bunch of them seem weird. I just would never respond to someone's post about a serious and potentially face disfiguring accident with "well, stop drinking". Maybe its my broken face and concussion talking. I'll just lurk here instead of posting for a while I guess.

Gilmer

I'm sure we're all horrified at the prospect of your face's being disfigured--I know I am very concerned.

In fairness to the posters, you indicated that you've been sober for awhile, then planned to sneak those few drinks--and then all hell broke loose, and you bitterly regretted having chosen to drink.

I suspect people were just trying to support you in that mindset.

Please don't leave us! I would like to hear if anything other than your nose is broken!

Ruby2

Hi Lola, I'm sorry you got hurt. I'm joining the "don't go away" crew. I think people intertwined drinking in their response to your injury because you did when you told us what happened. Your drinking is wholly unrelated to the cab accident but it appears you might be feeling punished. I certainly did when something bad happened and I had been drinking. Or drank, was sober but was feeling guilty about drinking. Some cosmic punishment for picking up a drink.

As for being sick, I had stomach issues on Saturday night. My daughter did. A girl I work with did. I think something's going around. So maybe not related to the drinking.

I've hear people say and have found to be true for me is that once you cross the threshold between suspecting you probably shouldn't drink and knowing you absolutely shouldn't drink, there is no going back. After I crossed that boundary, drinking was ruined for me. That is when the shame, guilt and self flagellation began in earnest.

I really hope a few things - that you stick here, that nothing else is broken, and that your bruises fade quickly.

Serenidad

Beating yourself will not help. It will only make it worse. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. None of us are perfect. Xo. I hope you nose & face heal fast. I've been to NYC several times and those taxi drivers are insane!!!

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Dee74

Hey Lola

I'm sorry you got hurt. I hope you'll heal well with no indication of what happened.

But you know...this is SR...like the other people who've commented I'm also sorry you chose to drink, and that you chose not to come here to rat yourself out and maybe make some different decisions last weekend.

Even tho the accident was not a direct result of your drinking, maybe that and the sickness you experienced can serve as a wakeup call?

Sloth

Hi Lola,

I'm sorry you got hurt so badly. What horrible luck. I hope you feel better soon.

Lola23

Hi

Please let me apologize for my touchy response yesterday!! I hope you all still let me come here and be part of the community. I don't want to lose SR!

I ended up going to the doctor and I indeed have a moderate concussion and my thinkinging and emotions are still a little fuzzy. I know everyone's response was meant to be helpful and I will take them that way now. I think weird emotions and being super sensitive are part of the concussion.

As Ruby mentioned, I took this weekend as some sort of cosmic punishment for my mindset going into the weekend and not only was I beating myself up, but I was legitimately getting scared that somehow I'm just destined to be punished over and over for things that I have done in the past. I know this is illogical thinking and I spoke to my doctor yesterday about what I was feeling and the panic attacks I've been having and she suggested some mild anti-anxiety meds along with counseling for the next few weeks to make sure my emotional health improves along with my physical health.

As far as the rest of my face, I'll know more as the swellling goes down over the next few days. So far, there is improvment each day so that's a good sign.

Again, thanks for reading and your responses. I'll be around and will probably post more about my commitment to not drink in a few days when my head stops pounding. Don't worry, I have no desire to drink. Like...NONE.