Want to test AH randomly but not sure what to do if positive test.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Want to test AH randomly but not sure what to do if positive test.
I have decided that divorce is at this point not even an option My AH was doing fine till now had a relapse on meth in September after he had been clean since March 2014. He quit drinking but relapsed this weekend. He had done so much to stay sober, he is no longer friends with his old buddies, he does not have his old mobile number anymore. He comes home straight after work, he does not want to have money on him but deposits his paycheck into my bank account to which he has no access. And I know these are pretty insignificant things but knowing him as well as I do to me these are some steps in the right direction. He controls his temper a whole lot better. However even though I don't want to divorce him I still need to find some ways of letting him know that using drugs is not acceptable. I do not even allow him to be home when he had a relapse but I think that is not such a great idea. I do that because I do not want a High or Drunk person around me because it triggers me into my old bad behavior. And with him walking away only makes him more determined and that is why i told him if you know u are high or drunk please do not come home. And if he comes home I just ask him to leave and i don't let him back in. I know he says he sleeps outside there is a forest or a woods we call it a bush in our country anyway he sleeps there and he says it disrupts his entire schedule. But i feel he should worry about that before using.At last he made the link between drinking and meth use and cross addiction. I want to support him don't get me wrong, but I dont know how without enabling him. I think today i'm just too confused cause I have been thinking about his allot. I just want to hold him accountable for his actions. Please if anyone can help me with ideas of boundaries that I can put in place for if the test comes out positive? And please if I am making any mistakes feel free to point it out, i dont mind learning but please do not judge me to harshly.
Tx
Angel
Tx
Angel
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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But shouldn’t he be the one holding himself accountable for his behavior and actions?
I don’t find drug testing to be anything other than … see I caught you. Well unless they used and it shows negative, then it is a see I got away with it and you don’t even know.
And in almost all cases you already knew and didn’t need the test to tell you.
In reading it seems like you are at a place where you won’t leave if he uses. If that is the case then you are at a place where you won’t leave if he uses. Will drug testing be anything more than deameaning or some false control over the situation.
What else is there to do? We lots meaning work on you, take care of you, get support for you and keep it about you.
Remember boundaries aren’t used to get them to do anything or realize anything. Boundaries are for and about you, to keep you save and life as peaceful as possible.
I don’t find drug testing to be anything other than … see I caught you. Well unless they used and it shows negative, then it is a see I got away with it and you don’t even know.
And in almost all cases you already knew and didn’t need the test to tell you.
In reading it seems like you are at a place where you won’t leave if he uses. If that is the case then you are at a place where you won’t leave if he uses. Will drug testing be anything more than deameaning or some false control over the situation.
What else is there to do? We lots meaning work on you, take care of you, get support for you and keep it about you.
Remember boundaries aren’t used to get them to do anything or realize anything. Boundaries are for and about you, to keep you save and life as peaceful as possible.
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Location: USA
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Hi Angel. Is there anywhere you can go if he uses? Or does he have anywhere else he can go to? Is there a local shelter he can go to for the night?
I usto have big issues with this b/c I did not want to tell my X to leave when he was wasted drunk b/c of the drinking and driving. So I would stay gone for the evening. That got old, really quick.
I think you should do what you are now, not let him in if he has been using. I also agree he should think of how it messes up his entire schedule and being to use. He has to have consequences or it will never change.
Good luck to both of you! I hope you take good care of yourself and attend Naranon or Celebrate Recovery or do something that you have a support system for yourself.
XXX
I usto have big issues with this b/c I did not want to tell my X to leave when he was wasted drunk b/c of the drinking and driving. So I would stay gone for the evening. That got old, really quick.
I think you should do what you are now, not let him in if he has been using. I also agree he should think of how it messes up his entire schedule and being to use. He has to have consequences or it will never change.
Good luck to both of you! I hope you take good care of yourself and attend Naranon or Celebrate Recovery or do something that you have a support system for yourself.
XXX
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
How would you feel if he were to test positive? If he is using, do you mind if he is around you? Do you feel safe?
Your boundaries should become more clear if you think about these questions. And they are really your questions to answer, not anyone else's. Some people don't like to be around others using drugs, some get moderately annoyed, and others have no problem at all.
Me, I couldn't stand my partner when he got high and arrogant so I simply wouldn't be around him when he was high. And when his behavior started putting me and others at risk, I asked him to move out -- because one of my absolute boundaries is that I will not let others put my health and security at risk needlessly.
The key point here is that you really need to know what YOU want and stick to your guns. Because if you create a boundary but don't keep it, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of misery.
Your boundaries should become more clear if you think about these questions. And they are really your questions to answer, not anyone else's. Some people don't like to be around others using drugs, some get moderately annoyed, and others have no problem at all.
Me, I couldn't stand my partner when he got high and arrogant so I simply wouldn't be around him when he was high. And when his behavior started putting me and others at risk, I asked him to move out -- because one of my absolute boundaries is that I will not let others put my health and security at risk needlessly.
The key point here is that you really need to know what YOU want and stick to your guns. Because if you create a boundary but don't keep it, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of misery.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thank you for every ones responses to this email, I am sorry for only responding now.
Inciting you are right, I normally do know when he is using and I don't know if it is just me but I need to have a test for confirmation because I have been gaslighted allot in the past. It is my personal choice that I am not ready to get a divorce and I do not want to rush into anything if I am not 100% sure. I am doing some things to take care of myself, I am looking after my own health more, am starting an exercise program and I am trying to lose some weight so I am eating healthy as well. I am actively involved in church again and I have a handful of really good supporting friends from church whom I spend time with and most importantly i am spending allot of time with my kids and I read allot about co- dependency and addiction and all these things has been helping me to live my own life separate from the AH.
Hopeful4, my AH gets really irritating when he is drunk and that is why I do not want to let him in because it almost always leads to an argument. We do not have a car so he cannot drink and drive I also feel anxious when I won’t let him stay because I worry he might get run over or something but then I tell myself it’s not my fault because he made the decision to drink but I do still feel bad about it. I unfortunately cannot attend NA meetings but I do have some support at church now and that helps allot.
Needabreak, I would probably feel very disappointed if the test came back positive because things have been going OK lately. I have mixed feelings but even though I feel bad I just cannot handle him when he is high because he becomes this other person he is obnoxious and I just cannot handle it and that is why I have been refusing to let him in when he is drunk or high. I think there it’s sort of a boundary already I just need to be consistent about it cause like you said if I’m not then I'm gonna set myself up for more problems.
Inciting you are right, I normally do know when he is using and I don't know if it is just me but I need to have a test for confirmation because I have been gaslighted allot in the past. It is my personal choice that I am not ready to get a divorce and I do not want to rush into anything if I am not 100% sure. I am doing some things to take care of myself, I am looking after my own health more, am starting an exercise program and I am trying to lose some weight so I am eating healthy as well. I am actively involved in church again and I have a handful of really good supporting friends from church whom I spend time with and most importantly i am spending allot of time with my kids and I read allot about co- dependency and addiction and all these things has been helping me to live my own life separate from the AH.
Hopeful4, my AH gets really irritating when he is drunk and that is why I do not want to let him in because it almost always leads to an argument. We do not have a car so he cannot drink and drive I also feel anxious when I won’t let him stay because I worry he might get run over or something but then I tell myself it’s not my fault because he made the decision to drink but I do still feel bad about it. I unfortunately cannot attend NA meetings but I do have some support at church now and that helps allot.
Needabreak, I would probably feel very disappointed if the test came back positive because things have been going OK lately. I have mixed feelings but even though I feel bad I just cannot handle him when he is high because he becomes this other person he is obnoxious and I just cannot handle it and that is why I have been refusing to let him in when he is drunk or high. I think there it’s sort of a boundary already I just need to be consistent about it cause like you said if I’m not then I'm gonna set myself up for more problems.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Angelscry,
Perhaps the others here who have insisted on random drug testing might pop in to share about how it affected their situations. Some are for, some are not. Only you can decide. I can understand after being gaslighted for so long. Some people can hide their using, and it isn't fair of them to manipulate your life by lying.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things for yourself! Keep it up. I think that you will know eventually what you must do,for yourself and your children.
Keep posting for support.. there are many many who understand where you are coming from, unfortunately.
You are right though- its not your fault if he cannot come in after using or drinking.. He can choose the better road. you don't have to have it around you and the kids. That sounds like a healthy choice on your part. He can get help, if he wants it. Maybe sleeping in the bush will give him something to think about.
take care of YOU.
Perhaps the others here who have insisted on random drug testing might pop in to share about how it affected their situations. Some are for, some are not. Only you can decide. I can understand after being gaslighted for so long. Some people can hide their using, and it isn't fair of them to manipulate your life by lying.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of positive things for yourself! Keep it up. I think that you will know eventually what you must do,for yourself and your children.
Keep posting for support.. there are many many who understand where you are coming from, unfortunately.
You are right though- its not your fault if he cannot come in after using or drinking.. He can choose the better road. you don't have to have it around you and the kids. That sounds like a healthy choice on your part. He can get help, if he wants it. Maybe sleeping in the bush will give him something to think about.
take care of YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Surely you know when the gas lighting has entered the room as well.
And the comparing out and the shifting of blame and all those other dead ringer behaviors that always show the truth.
There is no easy way. I stayed, and this is what I learned. That there is no way in hell I wouldn’t just walk out of the life we had if he couldn‘t keep up. I don’t even think in this sense it was even about the drug use, the lies or any of that because that insanity was all removed early on as I worked on me. You just get healthy and needs change. I could plainly see how I was changing, and becoming distanced but not out of removing myself, it just happened as I got healthier in my own right. And you know what he didn’t miss that, he could see I was changing too.
If you keep taking care of you, work your own recovery all the way around your life will change. It is inevitable.
Just watch any need to be so busy that you are doing things just to not be able to think about him, find the balance, it is there. Also don’t overcompensate for him. Be you, enjoy the kids, enjoy your hobbies and interests, friends and family … and put your feet up too, we all need that!
And the comparing out and the shifting of blame and all those other dead ringer behaviors that always show the truth.
There is no easy way. I stayed, and this is what I learned. That there is no way in hell I wouldn’t just walk out of the life we had if he couldn‘t keep up. I don’t even think in this sense it was even about the drug use, the lies or any of that because that insanity was all removed early on as I worked on me. You just get healthy and needs change. I could plainly see how I was changing, and becoming distanced but not out of removing myself, it just happened as I got healthier in my own right. And you know what he didn’t miss that, he could see I was changing too.
If you keep taking care of you, work your own recovery all the way around your life will change. It is inevitable.
Just watch any need to be so busy that you are doing things just to not be able to think about him, find the balance, it is there. Also don’t overcompensate for him. Be you, enjoy the kids, enjoy your hobbies and interests, friends and family … and put your feet up too, we all need that!
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I have decided that divorce is at this point not even an option
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Decide what you are willing to live with....
If his sleep schedule is disrupted because he cannot be in the home due to drug use-his problem.
If he doesn't have a place to stay when he uses-his problem.
It's good to make him uncomfortable in his drug use. Nothing like getting loaded and coming home to a home cooked meal and comfy bed!
Don't allow yourself to being swayed into feeling sorry for him.....set and keep your boundaries for your peace of mind. Peace inside your home is part of the peace of mind thing....
If his sleep schedule is disrupted because he cannot be in the home due to drug use-his problem.
If he doesn't have a place to stay when he uses-his problem.
It's good to make him uncomfortable in his drug use. Nothing like getting loaded and coming home to a home cooked meal and comfy bed!
Don't allow yourself to being swayed into feeling sorry for him.....set and keep your boundaries for your peace of mind. Peace inside your home is part of the peace of mind thing....
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I would probably feel very disappointed if the test came back positive because things have been going OK lately
they can't be THAT ok if you are considered having him pee in a cup to see if there are residual drugs in his system.
if he did agree to a test....and it came back positive, he could simply DENY it or claim the test was faulty. there are ways around drug tests. if it came back negative, due to the fact that home tests are not 100% reliable, you still wouldn't know for sure. it proves NOTHING.
and as you said, you aren't ready to take a stand and are confused about what your boundaries might look like. boundaries are ONLY good if we enforce them, EACH AND EVERY time. you also need to understand you can't STOP him from using....even with the threat of sleeping under a tree.
i am confused....it sounds like he was clean off meth since March, but still drinking? and then quit drinking and relapsed on meth? twice now?
they can't be THAT ok if you are considered having him pee in a cup to see if there are residual drugs in his system.
if he did agree to a test....and it came back positive, he could simply DENY it or claim the test was faulty. there are ways around drug tests. if it came back negative, due to the fact that home tests are not 100% reliable, you still wouldn't know for sure. it proves NOTHING.
and as you said, you aren't ready to take a stand and are confused about what your boundaries might look like. boundaries are ONLY good if we enforce them, EACH AND EVERY time. you also need to understand you can't STOP him from using....even with the threat of sleeping under a tree.
i am confused....it sounds like he was clean off meth since March, but still drinking? and then quit drinking and relapsed on meth? twice now?
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I've wasted so much time & energy asking for drug tests, ripping the house apart looking for evidence and all it ever caused me was more misery.. I knew deep down he was using and when I found the evidence all it did was confirm that I wasn't was paranoid.. looking back and getting so much advice from this site I've realised it's me who needed to change.. There were arguments if he failed tests and arguments if he passed (I presumed he'd just found a way to cheat them)
he hasn't been to my home for around 6 months and even today I came across some foil, I wasn't looking for it but just came across it.. I hate it with a passion!
All I wanted was answers but at the end of the day with or without the tests I just knew deep down he was using... he's in detox now and will be completely clean from tomorrow.. it's really tough and my prayers go out to you
he hasn't been to my home for around 6 months and even today I came across some foil, I wasn't looking for it but just came across it.. I hate it with a passion!
All I wanted was answers but at the end of the day with or without the tests I just knew deep down he was using... he's in detox now and will be completely clean from tomorrow.. it's really tough and my prayers go out to you
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[QUOTE=
Just watch any need to be so busy that you are doing things just to not be able to think about him, find the balance, it is there. Also don’t overcompensate for him. Be you, enjoy the kids, enjoy your hobbies and interests, friends and family … and put your feet up too, we all need that![/QUOTE]
thank you inciting I am trying really hard to find balance its not always easy for me but I keep trying.
Just watch any need to be so busy that you are doing things just to not be able to think about him, find the balance, it is there. Also don’t overcompensate for him. Be you, enjoy the kids, enjoy your hobbies and interests, friends and family … and put your feet up too, we all need that![/QUOTE]
thank you inciting I am trying really hard to find balance its not always easy for me but I keep trying.
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Zoso, that is not what I mean at all.
Txhelp – I don’t know why but I always feel bad when I refuse to let him in, but you are right it is in the end his problem and a consequence of his actions. And I do not do it because I want to punish him, like he thinks, I do it because I just cannot and do not want to deal with him when he is high or drunk.
Anvil – I am not even sure how to really explain myself about the testing, I know I sound like a moron or something when I say this. But there has been times that he has been sober then I thought he was high or then he is high but I believe it when he says he is not using. And confronting him usually leads to an argument. So I want to test him and I have decided that if it’s positive than he has to go, because I do not want to deal with him when he is high. I am trying to figure things out here and this is a learning curve for me. I do know that boundaries are more for my serenity than for him. He stopped using meth in March and relapsed in September, he quit drinking in May or somewhere then, I am sorry but I don’t really keep tabs on his dates anymore with 2 kids and fulltime job I am just too busy for that now. So I might be off the mark with the dates. But then he relapsed on drinking this past weekend. Sorry if I am confusing you
ItsnowOrNever32 – I know how you feel I really hate drugs and what it does to our loved ones. Thank you for the prayers I really need allot of those, keeping you and yours in my prayers too.
Txhelp – I don’t know why but I always feel bad when I refuse to let him in, but you are right it is in the end his problem and a consequence of his actions. And I do not do it because I want to punish him, like he thinks, I do it because I just cannot and do not want to deal with him when he is high or drunk.
Anvil – I am not even sure how to really explain myself about the testing, I know I sound like a moron or something when I say this. But there has been times that he has been sober then I thought he was high or then he is high but I believe it when he says he is not using. And confronting him usually leads to an argument. So I want to test him and I have decided that if it’s positive than he has to go, because I do not want to deal with him when he is high. I am trying to figure things out here and this is a learning curve for me. I do know that boundaries are more for my serenity than for him. He stopped using meth in March and relapsed in September, he quit drinking in May or somewhere then, I am sorry but I don’t really keep tabs on his dates anymore with 2 kids and fulltime job I am just too busy for that now. So I might be off the mark with the dates. But then he relapsed on drinking this past weekend. Sorry if I am confusing you
ItsnowOrNever32 – I know how you feel I really hate drugs and what it does to our loved ones. Thank you for the prayers I really need allot of those, keeping you and yours in my prayers too.
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Boundry I would set, " you do drugs, you are gone." Done. Is it that easy, no. As far as testing that is expensive, humilating and pointless. They can get a drink to fake the test. I tried this in the very beginning. I asked for a drug test during child visitations. I realized very quickly that this didn't solve anything. It did scare the crap out of (he didn't know it wouldn't stand up in court), so I think he stopped visits. But who knows the truth, he was so doped up. That was number 1. If I were you, I would ask him to leave. Start the divorce precedings. He is the only one who can change himself. You deserve a healthy and happy life.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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My AH and I do have a drug test "agreement". If you think about it, its stupid unless you are going to set some firm boundaries for a positive test. You know when he is high. what you really need to decide is what you will accept and what you won't. In our case, my AH uses them when I get the "feeling" he is high but isn't. When you use for long periods of time some of the physical actions become permanent and it is getting a little hard for me to determine what is damage and what is high. But, once he is really high, I can tell after about the second day.
If he tests positive, he has never denied it or blamed the test for being wrong, so now if I insist on one he just comes clean is he will be dirty (why waste the money). Then our lives become hell.
I am to the point I can't live like this anymore. You will get there too. You don't need to spend fifty bucks to tell you that. Save your money for your boundaries.
If he tests positive, he has never denied it or blamed the test for being wrong, so now if I insist on one he just comes clean is he will be dirty (why waste the money). Then our lives become hell.
I am to the point I can't live like this anymore. You will get there too. You don't need to spend fifty bucks to tell you that. Save your money for your boundaries.
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