27 year old female alchy. Everyone in my life says I'm fine but I'm not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
27 year old female alchy. Everyone in my life says I'm fine but I'm not. I'm a 27 year old female alcoholic, in denial. I am here for some people to hopefully talk me into picking up a white chip.
^That's probably enough info, but since I had to call out sick because of a debilitating hangover (Yep, and it's Tuesday), I may as well elaborate for my own sake of getting real with myself. Let me mention.. the smiles at the bottom of this that are moving are making me so nauseous especially the smiles dancing in a circle. Is there anyway to make that stop?
Facing the music
I am engaged and my fiancé for some reason does not see that I am an alcoholic. He sees that I have issues but when I have confronted him about my drinking he thinks that I should stick to beer and stay away from white wine. Don't worry, I've tried to substitute everything for the actual liquid. The problem is, now I'm a drug addict too, at least by definition.
He is not an alcoholic, thank god. There couldn't be two of us. His complete lack of addiction to anything (seriously this guy is the poster child for normal drinking) really attracted me to him. Both of my other long term relationships were with alcoholics, and they didn't go so well! Now I see, after sweating in the bed last night and keeping him up half the night thanks to my Monday night drinkfest, it's really not cool to do this to him. He deserves better.
I have every excuse in the book
My doctor thinks I am bipolar and is treating me for that. I have been diagnosed that since before I ever started drinking. In fact I was first prescribed Xanax when I was in 1st Grade (yep at 6 years old, unbelievable, I know) due to severe panic attacks. I went to a catholic school and the nuns terrified me.
At an early age I learned that to take a pill, or a swig of benadryll would make my anxiety and fears go away, and I could sleep.
I am currently prescribed a cocktail of meds but I don't take things as prescribed because guess what? They don't mix with alcohol very well and I'm a total mess.
I started drinking at 18 when I couldn't get ahold of sleeping pills anymore, and hey I was in college! Looking back, I don't remember throwing back glasses of wine like I do now, but still, I knew something was wrong with me. Something was always different about me. I heard sometime VERY early in my drinking career say that to drink alone signifies having a drinking problem. I remember that comment resonated with me at 18.
10 years of drinking later… and I'm such a loser .
I have sought treatment before but it did not come from a real desire to get sober. It was pretty easy for me. I stayed sober for a year and a few months. Then after this "break" I found I had "re-set" my drinking, and honestly I don't drink like I did before. But I still have the same issues. I am still trying to fill a void . Like I said, I have turned to other things- prescriptions and some "herbal remedies."
At this point, I'm a binge drinker whereas I used to be a bottle of wine a night drinker- now I save it for the weekends and somehow justify that's better. However I'm writing this on a Monday so you can see I'm not exactly consistent with that policy.
EVEN IF I just drink on the weekends, it's gotta stop. I'm never going to be able to drink normally, ever, ever, ever.
What's tough for me is I believe the lies my head comes up with. I believe that it wasn't my fault I got so drunk, it was my friend's fault for having a party.
I mean???
Basically, I'm afraid to go to an AA meeting because I'm not sure if I'm ready. Then again, I know I'm living a low life right now and I am better than this.
I think I am starting to have an honest desire to quit drinking, for once. If anybody has any thoughts or ideas they could share I would greatly appreciate it.
Here are the reasons I have to quit drinking:
Night sweats (I know, really gross)
Achy
Can't sleep
Spend money I don't have
Can't function at work
Not eating
Not exercising
Terrible hangovers
Say things I don't mean
Drive under the influence
House is a wreck
Failed career
I owe it to my future husband
Since I've been staring at it for 30 minutes now. I'll just end with this
Thank you for reading.
^That's probably enough info, but since I had to call out sick because of a debilitating hangover (Yep, and it's Tuesday), I may as well elaborate for my own sake of getting real with myself. Let me mention.. the smiles at the bottom of this that are moving are making me so nauseous especially the smiles dancing in a circle. Is there anyway to make that stop?
Facing the music
I am engaged and my fiancé for some reason does not see that I am an alcoholic. He sees that I have issues but when I have confronted him about my drinking he thinks that I should stick to beer and stay away from white wine. Don't worry, I've tried to substitute everything for the actual liquid. The problem is, now I'm a drug addict too, at least by definition.
He is not an alcoholic, thank god. There couldn't be two of us. His complete lack of addiction to anything (seriously this guy is the poster child for normal drinking) really attracted me to him. Both of my other long term relationships were with alcoholics, and they didn't go so well! Now I see, after sweating in the bed last night and keeping him up half the night thanks to my Monday night drinkfest, it's really not cool to do this to him. He deserves better.
I have every excuse in the book
My doctor thinks I am bipolar and is treating me for that. I have been diagnosed that since before I ever started drinking. In fact I was first prescribed Xanax when I was in 1st Grade (yep at 6 years old, unbelievable, I know) due to severe panic attacks. I went to a catholic school and the nuns terrified me.
At an early age I learned that to take a pill, or a swig of benadryll would make my anxiety and fears go away, and I could sleep.
I am currently prescribed a cocktail of meds but I don't take things as prescribed because guess what? They don't mix with alcohol very well and I'm a total mess.
I started drinking at 18 when I couldn't get ahold of sleeping pills anymore, and hey I was in college! Looking back, I don't remember throwing back glasses of wine like I do now, but still, I knew something was wrong with me. Something was always different about me. I heard sometime VERY early in my drinking career say that to drink alone signifies having a drinking problem. I remember that comment resonated with me at 18.
10 years of drinking later… and I'm such a loser .
I have sought treatment before but it did not come from a real desire to get sober. It was pretty easy for me. I stayed sober for a year and a few months. Then after this "break" I found I had "re-set" my drinking, and honestly I don't drink like I did before. But I still have the same issues. I am still trying to fill a void . Like I said, I have turned to other things- prescriptions and some "herbal remedies."
At this point, I'm a binge drinker whereas I used to be a bottle of wine a night drinker- now I save it for the weekends and somehow justify that's better. However I'm writing this on a Monday so you can see I'm not exactly consistent with that policy.
EVEN IF I just drink on the weekends, it's gotta stop. I'm never going to be able to drink normally, ever, ever, ever.
What's tough for me is I believe the lies my head comes up with. I believe that it wasn't my fault I got so drunk, it was my friend's fault for having a party.
I mean???
Basically, I'm afraid to go to an AA meeting because I'm not sure if I'm ready. Then again, I know I'm living a low life right now and I am better than this.
I think I am starting to have an honest desire to quit drinking, for once. If anybody has any thoughts or ideas they could share I would greatly appreciate it.
Here are the reasons I have to quit drinking:
Night sweats (I know, really gross)
Achy
Can't sleep
Spend money I don't have
Can't function at work
Not eating
Not exercising
Terrible hangovers
Say things I don't mean
Drive under the influence
House is a wreck
Failed career
I owe it to my future husband
Since I've been staring at it for 30 minutes now. I'll just end with this
Thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,551
Welcome Brave! My boyfriend doesn't think I have a problem either.... but I know myself a little better than he does. Stick to sobriety, it is so worth it.
I had 50 days then I messed up and drank, now I'm back on day 4 but its become more of a habit not to drink... and life is getting better.
I had 50 days then I messed up and drank, now I'm back on day 4 but its become more of a habit not to drink... and life is getting better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, you've done a good thing by coming here. Welcome to the site!
So, get rid of the alcohol in your house right now.
Don't drink today. Go to bed sober tonight.
You can join one of the threads here for newcomers if you want - like the Class of October, or the 24 hour Connections thread. Look in the Newcomers forum for them.
Spend some time here reading. Come back tomorrow and do the same thing.
I won't add any spinny, nausea inducing emos.
So, get rid of the alcohol in your house right now.
Don't drink today. Go to bed sober tonight.
You can join one of the threads here for newcomers if you want - like the Class of October, or the 24 hour Connections thread. Look in the Newcomers forum for them.
Spend some time here reading. Come back tomorrow and do the same thing.
I won't add any spinny, nausea inducing emos.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Bravenewme, Great for you for realizing you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.
You have so much time ahead of you. YOu can turn this around now and have a wonderful life. I am 35 and knew at about age 22 that I had a problem. I have tried halfheartedly to face it throughout the years but am finally in a place where enough is enough. I wish I had gotten there earlier and saved me so many years of abusing my body and mind.
There is no amount of hoping or wishing ot trying to change things about your drinking. You are an alcoholic and you cannot drink like a normal person. So, you have to stop. It is much easier said than done, but it IS completely possible.
I would suggest having a read around here for inspiration, warning, strength, ideas. It is an amazing community and you are sure to find useful information. Top of the list of things to do though is do not pick up the first drink.
You have so much time ahead of you. YOu can turn this around now and have a wonderful life. I am 35 and knew at about age 22 that I had a problem. I have tried halfheartedly to face it throughout the years but am finally in a place where enough is enough. I wish I had gotten there earlier and saved me so many years of abusing my body and mind.
There is no amount of hoping or wishing ot trying to change things about your drinking. You are an alcoholic and you cannot drink like a normal person. So, you have to stop. It is much easier said than done, but it IS completely possible.
I would suggest having a read around here for inspiration, warning, strength, ideas. It is an amazing community and you are sure to find useful information. Top of the list of things to do though is do not pick up the first drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1
Sounds familiar
Hi Brave,
I am new here, too. Kind of lurking and reading. Your post sounds really familiar...I started drinking and taking anything, diet pills, smoking pot, etc in high school at 14 or 15. I'm a little older than you but now a mother and in a good career and struggling through what is not my first marriage and realized it may not be so normal to be doing what I do at this point in life.
I'm on day two. Seems ridiculous to even count, I feel like a phony alcoholic because I have a pretty good life, but I know that my drinking is out of hand.
Good job and keep it up.
I am new here, too. Kind of lurking and reading. Your post sounds really familiar...I started drinking and taking anything, diet pills, smoking pot, etc in high school at 14 or 15. I'm a little older than you but now a mother and in a good career and struggling through what is not my first marriage and realized it may not be so normal to be doing what I do at this point in life.
I'm on day two. Seems ridiculous to even count, I feel like a phony alcoholic because I have a pretty good life, but I know that my drinking is out of hand.
Good job and keep it up.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Glad your here Bravenewme - You've come to a great place for support & inspiration. I second BadCompany's suggestion that you might call & talk to your sister.....something about sharing our struggle with someone else who understands it. Be kind to yourself today....rest & lots of water & some healthy food.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
well.... one thing you have going for you is that you've clearly GOTTEN HONEST.
My input, if you're interested; this is a FANTASTIC time to get to AA, get a Big Book, start reading it and start taking action.
You've gotten honest with yourself and you have a little momentum and an open door toward change. But making change real takes action.
Taking the simple action of going to a meeting, getting in the company of people who understand, getting informed, being around a community of support is a huge step toward building on that momentum.
Welcome.
You can do this.
My input, if you're interested; this is a FANTASTIC time to get to AA, get a Big Book, start reading it and start taking action.
You've gotten honest with yourself and you have a little momentum and an open door toward change. But making change real takes action.
Taking the simple action of going to a meeting, getting in the company of people who understand, getting informed, being around a community of support is a huge step toward building on that momentum.
Welcome.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,845
Welcome, Bravenewme; great opening post with a great list of wonderful reasons to seek sobriety. If I may, I would suggest adding: "I am worth it." to your list.
I agree with the suggestions above to "call your sister"; my guess is that she will be your strongest supporter - she gets it.
I agree with the suggestions above to "call your sister"; my guess is that she will be your strongest supporter - she gets it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 167
I hope that today will be the begging of your new sober life. Your being honest with yourself and that's an important step in the right direction. Welcome and don't be afraid to lien on us as the weekend approaches.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I have tried halfheartedly to face it throughout the years but am finally in a place where enough is enough. I wish I had gotten there earlier and saved me so many years of abusing my body and mind.
There is no amount of hoping or wishing ot trying to change things about your drinking. You are an alcoholic and you cannot drink like a normal person. So, you have to stop. It is much easier said than done, but it IS completely possible.
I would suggest having a read around here for inspiration, warning, strength, ideas. It is an amazing community and you are sure to find useful information. Top of the list of things to do though is do not pick up the first drink.
There is no amount of hoping or wishing ot trying to change things about your drinking. You are an alcoholic and you cannot drink like a normal person. So, you have to stop. It is much easier said than done, but it IS completely possible.
I would suggest having a read around here for inspiration, warning, strength, ideas. It is an amazing community and you are sure to find useful information. Top of the list of things to do though is do not pick up the first drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
big book
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
My input, if you're interested; this is a FANTASTIC time to get to AA, get a Big Book, start reading it and start taking action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 5
Anna sounds wise
Originally Posted by Anna
I'm glad you found us and posted.
I wouldn't worry at all about what others think about your drinking. You know you have a problem and that's all that matters.
I wouldn't worry at all about what others think about your drinking. You know you have a problem and that's all that matters.
It's just my alcoholic brain wanting to believe my heavy-drinking friends that I don't have a problem. Clearly, I do!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome, bravenewme. Your post was incredibly honest, and I can relate to a lot of what you said. When I was in college, I would go out with all of my friends and drink a lot. The next night, they would all be hungover and disgusted at the sight of alcohol, but I would have beer or two to help me sleep. I hadn't been drinking for that long, but I was "activating" the alcoholic that was waiting inside me, I guess. My parents are both alcoholics, and since they are able to function well, I accepted the drinking as normal.
Your sister sounds like the perfect person to contact. Not only does she understand sobriety, but she understands where you are now...the desperation, lack of self esteem, etc. This forum is also an outstanding source of support, although I agree with you about the dancing smilies. I can't imagine trying to deal with them with a serious hangover.
Take good care, and read and post as much as you can. We're here for you.
Your sister sounds like the perfect person to contact. Not only does she understand sobriety, but she understands where you are now...the desperation, lack of self esteem, etc. This forum is also an outstanding source of support, although I agree with you about the dancing smilies. I can't imagine trying to deal with them with a serious hangover.
Take good care, and read and post as much as you can. We're here for you.
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