Redheadsusie

AH said so- said because I am not supportive -Before I write curse words I will say - I pay all the bills and listen to his "how horrible life is" stories constantly and try to help him - I listen to how bad his boss is that gave him his "dream job" and how poor he is and blah blah blah. How supportive can I be? Oh- wait it is- get ready- because I won't sleep with him when he wants to- I own that - I can't be chewed out - cussed at - watch someone say horrible things about most other people and how they should die for being ignorant - after work he drinks eats and then geso to bed every night by 8 usually when the beer is gone. He spends zero time with me- wpnt even empty the trash I am supposed to say Yes Dear I will right there to satisfy your every desire. Oh God - I may puke! Call me a bitch. I just cant and if that makes me mean so be it. What a selfish spoiled little 50 year old baby !

AnvilheadII

so WHY do you still CHOOSE to be WITH him?
what is the payout for you?

mischa1

GAG...My AH does that. Like I am supposed to just jump on and love it at his every whim (which is about every 30 minutes...when his little guy is actually working). It's 1st thing in the morning, all day (if we are together) and at night...then in the middle of the night if he wakes up or can't sleep. But his little guy doesn't work that much so maybe he's just trying to cram in all in. I don't know. There is NEVER anything in it for me. Always only for him. We haven't had sex since being married, it's how I'm getting the annulment. His little guy never works or I am so disgusted with him that I just can't bring myself to even touch it.

Gross...I'm sorry. Me too.

Kboys

ME TOO! for putting up with all his BS for years, listening to the same complaints over and over of how "you guys" have all done him wrong. And when he says "you guys" it means me, his parents, his boss, the police, pretty much everyone except for him... yeah, I can't think of anyone who has never contributed to his drinking problem in his mind at some point or another... So "you guys" means everyone in the world except for him I guess.
And then when I'm busy, you know, making dinner, or taking care of our children, and have to interrupt him, I'm a "horrible woman." And when the babies can't sleep on their own in their beds and he wakes up wanting to cuddle with me, and there's a baby there, he gets "so angry" and I "do nothing about it." Horrible.

I am finally learning to not take his "quacks" personally, but it is still so frustrating.

airwick

From one bitch to the other ( Me!) I give you all the credit in the world. I did what you are doing now for 10 years. Myself w/12 year old said "bye-bye"

Good luck to you in what-ever you do

Redheadsusie

I have got to figure out what the payout is - obviously I think in my twisted little head it is something or I would have kicked him out years ago. I am seeing a therapist and am hopeful we can figure it out. I realize this is an issue I have and am very messed up myself. We don't have kids together - he does not help me pay bills- he does not support me emotionally - he does not do anything with me unless it is drinking related which I don't do- apparently I just have very bad self esteem issues. What a turd I am...

suncatcher

Redheadsusie, you are not a turd. We have all been in your shoes at one time or another. I stayed with my AXBF for 5 years. He lived with me for 2 and never paid any bills, passed out at 6 pm every night. I finally moved an hour away to another town and the distance has been good for my recovery. I still keep in touch with him but I no longer let his behavior consume me or validate me. I don't need his approval any more. I think that is what kept me stuck so long. Trying to win his approval and settle for crumbs. Keep working on you. More will be revealed and you will find answers as you go along.

TerpGal

Yeah that was a common theme here too when RAH was drinking. He would get SO angry when I would turn him down, call me frigid or an ice queen LOL! At the end, he would actually tell me that he drank because I wouldn't have sex with him. Well why the F would I want to sleep with THAT? Now that hes been home, he barely touches me, which I am cool with. Not ready to resume that part of our relationship.

Hammer

Red. Or Susie. Or Hey You.

Am I reading correctly your join date is 2007?

I know the Program(s) are patient and will be ready and waiting for us . . . whenever we finally are ready . . . at least that was the case for me and most everyone else I have watched.

And I am the one who goes around chanting "Wait on the LORD," and all.

So no rush by me.

But 2007. What are you waiting for? Just comparing notes.

AnvilheadII

doing a spin on hammer's post, the concern with TIME is when we are in abusive relationships and they go on for SO long we become brainwashed and completely accept absolute BULLSH!T as totally normal. and that inertia becomes impossible to overcome. the longer the abusive relationship goes on, the more power and control the abuser has over his target and the more dangerous it can be to leave.

all that being said, you are in a simply DREADFUL and INHUMANE existance. he is a parasite, you are the host. you are basically paying someone to abuse you. THINK ABOUT THAT. why is it better to have a jerk around who does nothing but take your money, beat you up and get off on being in control than being without any of that? THATs where you payoff resides...it's time to get SERIOUS and quit saying, oh gee, i just don't know, but i hope to find out someday!

you deserve better. but you are going to have to MAKE your own better. he sure as hell won't. and it's nobody else's job.

happybeingme

You are perfectly right to not want to be intimate how can you when he is like that?

Love your doodle. I have two myself.

Redheadsusie

Yep - Been here since 2007- WOW! That just sums it up! WTF am I doing? Not getting younger and what is the saying a leopard does not change his spots. I should have believed him the first time he said was going to quit drinking and pot and did not- he would stop cursing at me and being mean - he has done it so many times I have lost count but I HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO COME HOME WITH OPEN ARMS! Come back- to my our nice house - I will pay for it all by myself - you can just come and go as you please - I will keep the yard and the house nice and accept your little attention once in a while and be grateful! And the abuse I get is verbal - never physical- if one is any better than the other - abuse is abuse. Oh well- He is not here now and the Doodle and I are great- Now I just need to get well and be strong. Thanks for all the support- makes me feel not so alone.

Hammer

Fully. So Fully. Understood.

Dunno. Just on the trail, myself.

Fandy

Didnt you throw him out previously? Replaced him with the dog?
Is this the wonderful husband who pees and barfs everywhere, abuses you then hides at his mommy's house?
Wow, he doesnt contribute anything financial or emotional or material? He sounds like a gem.
your therapist needs to motivate you, jmho.
I cant remember if he cheated on you?
But he poops on the floor?

Tamerua

Aw, from one ginger to another, sending a hug.

You aren't a turd. You should probably change the locks. I've done a relationship like this and the thing of it is, it hurts a lot at first to end it but then, life gets better. That depression and uncertainty lifts. And keeps getting better. Really. You have the power to change it, you really do!