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Relationship problems in early recovery...

Old 10-06-2014, 07:31 AM
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Relationship problems in early recovery...

So I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. Normally this is not the place where I would want to talk about “relationship problems” but unfortunately it’s directly affecting my level of emotional sobriety, and I’m worried that if I make the wrong decision, it could affect my physical sobriety as well.

Been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a great guy. We are currently engaged. He is a “normie”, not an alcoholic, and met me when I was still drinking. He has stuck with me through a lot of really rough times and chaos as you can imagine.

He’s a good man with a good heart. But I don’t feel a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual connection with him, whatsoever. We have completely different interests, and we rarely communicate other than surface level. I don’t think we’ve ever had an intellectual conversation, something that “sober Mrrryah” craves and thrives off of.

Unfortunately, I was deep in my addiction when I first met him, and was, to be bluntly honest, looking for somebody who could take care of me. And he fit the bill. And he has done so now, for 2.5 years. Financially supported me, given me everything, helped me, and many times kept me from going completely off the wall with my drinking/drugging.

He’s supportive of my recovery and attendance at AA meetings. He has no interest in self improvement (for himself) or spiritual growth or anything along those lines, but he encourages me to do whatever it takes for me to stay sober.

I’m only 41 days sober today, and I’m having these overwhelming feelings of guilt, and as though I’m doing something so wrong by continuing this relationship, knowing that the physical/emotional/mental/spiritual connection just isn’t there for me. When I sober up, I have a more clear perspective of things, and I feel like I entered this relationship for all the wrong reasons – for money, and a caretaker. I feel a moral discomfort in my stomach when I start to think about it, and I’ve had many sleepless nights and nightmares stressing over this situation.

I have thought I felt a connection with him in the past - but I don't know if it was more of a "need" connection than a "want" connection. I needed him to be okay - and so I confused these feelings for truly loving him. I'm not sure, I'm very confused.

The man is hopelessly in love with me. I know this. He has flat out expressed that I am the love of his life and he will do anything to make me happy, for the rest of our lives. I know this would crush him, me breaking off the engagement and leaving him after all he’s done for me, all he’s put into this relationship. When I try and have serious talks about our relationship and how it’s going, he sincerely expresses that he thinks it’s the best relationship he’s ever had, and he is very happy to spend his life with me.

I am a complete loss about what to do with this situation. Do I give it time – and see if with my recovery/sobriety we can start to connect on a deeper level, and maybe I can reciprocate these feelings? Maybe the feelings I think I once had for him are real - maybe they will come back? Or do I let him go now, because deep down part of me feels like I’m just leading him on, and it’s wrong, and it’s not "gods will" for this relationship to continue.

The other side of the coin is that while I would like to think I will stay sober through a breakup & the financial stress our separation would cause me, it’s likely that this will be a huge trigger, and I will have nobody at home to hold me accountable anymore. It terrifies me.

I really hope you all don’t think I’m an awful person right now, after reading this. I’m so scared to make the wrong decision. Does anyone else have a similar experience or some advice for me?

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Old 10-06-2014, 07:39 AM
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I'd give it some time....41 days sober is very early to put your life into total upheaval....it sounds like you get on well so there is no abuse or anything that needs to be escaped at this moment. From an outsider looking in I'd say concentrate on early recovery (you never know this could be affecting the way you view things at the moment), when you feel stronger in yourself then maybe start to make the life changing decisions if you still feel they need to be made.

Me and my wife have been know to loose our connection some times just from becoming stale...maybe try to get out and do some new things to find out if sober you and your partner can now reconnect or connect on a different level now that your need for a carer has gone.

I hope it works out for you either way.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:45 AM
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I applaud you for being rigorously honest with yourself about your motivations. I think you already know what you want/have to do but are reluctant to go forward with it, and that's understandable.

We do all sorts of things in addiction which don't make sense when we get sober because we are evaluating it with a different set of values. That said, you are early in sobriety and these kinds of changes are hard to make.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to have one of those "deep talks" with him, although you haven't had this kind of talk before? If you are to discover a new way to be with him or even decide to end it, it would wise to do so through talking honestly about your feelings and getting his take on it.

If you are spiritually inclined, ask for peace and clarity for the Will that supersedes yours. Just honestly seeking the answer is good enough, and know that worrying about the stress of whatever your decision is will not correlate to a need to drink again. You will get peace from a careful, humble and loving deliberation on the problem, not from evading the problem or your feelings around it through substance use. Learning to live sober is learning that our feelings, even negative ones are ok - that there is a healthy way to handle tough situations. Just stay with it and keep communication open with him. Share at meetings too - it helps
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:48 AM
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I agree that early recovery can be a difficult time for relationships all around.

However, this is a pretty strong and clear statement;

"He’s a good man with a good heart. But I don’t feel a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual connection with him, whatsoever. We have completely different interests, and we rarely communicate other than surface level. I don’t think we’ve ever had an intellectual conversation, something that “sober Mrrryah” craves and thrives off of. "

It might be a good idea - for both of you - if you were to suggest that you need some time on your own. To focus on yourself, your sobriety and your spirituality.

This might be simply a function of your sobriety and emotional work that you need to do - or it might be you finally coming to terms with something you have known but denied or ignored for some time.

I think it bears exploring very seriously and one way to do that might be to focus fully on your recovery and your own processing of who you are, what you want and whether this person or relationship 'fit' with that.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:51 AM
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My suggestion is to give it some more time.

My perspective changed frequently in early recovery. Congratulations on 41 days, btw! I felt like the pendulum would swing too far one way and then back too far the other way. It took time for me to reach the comfortable place in my thoughts.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:57 AM
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Hi Mrrryah

41 days is so so SO Fantastic

I would give it more time your doing seriously well

big massive hugs your way lady !
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MarathonMan View Post
I'd give it some time....41 days sober is very early to put your life into total upheaval....it sounds like you get on well so there is no abuse or anything that needs to be escaped at this moment. From an outsider looking in I'd say concentrate on early recovery (you never know this could be affecting the way you view things at the moment), when you feel stronger in yourself then maybe start to make the life changing decisions if you still feel they need to be made.

Me and my wife have been know to loose our connection some times just from becoming stale...maybe try to get out and do some new things to find out if sober you and your partner can now reconnect or connect on a different level now that your need for a carer has gone.

I hope it works out for you either way.
It is very honest of you, and brave to share here Myrrahh. I'm kind of with MM on this one, in that it really is early days, and I think everyone needs some time to stabilize thoughts and emotions before making these types of significant decisions. I am a bit behind you in time, and I'm recognizing new things about my relationship as well, but I completely consider it a learning stage at the moment. Take time, focus on your health and sobriety, observe and revisit when these negative emotions have either faded or solidified.
This is a tough spot and I wish you only the best things in life.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:59 AM
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I agree with Anna. I was all over the place - first blaming myself, then others, then finally accepting that nothing is perfect.

Don't go looking for the differences between you, celebrate the places you do come together.

Please give it time. You owe it to both of you.
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Old 10-06-2014, 08:03 AM
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I like FreeOwls suggestion of taking some "ME" time.
Don't jump the gun and break the engagement off yet....but I definitely think it's worth having some time away to reflect on what you feel.
Do either of you have family/friends that you can stay at?
I know the time apart from my BF was a blessing in disguise. Both of us needed that in a huge way.
Good luck M!!!!
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Old 10-06-2014, 08:22 AM
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Thanks guys <3 I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thread and post your feedback. It's been really helpful, as always.

Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Please give it time. You owe it to both of you.
I feel like that too. I feel like while there's a strong chance I'm delaying the inevitable, I also really do owe him my sincerest efforts in seeing if our relationship can work in my sobriety.

Maybe my feelings of sudden discomfort in this relationship are also stemming from the sudden discomfort of not having alcohol. Who knows. I really don't understand what my emotions are or where they are coming from at this point.

All I can really focus on is my recovery right now, and I'm hoping the rest will fall into place with time....

Wish I could trust my own brain to make a decision right now but I just can't. Especially not a huge, life altering one.

Originally Posted by Jupiters View Post
I like FreeOwls suggestion of taking some "ME" time.
Thanks Jupey! I love the idea also. Unfortunately, I've asked for this before, and he's flipped out and said that if he leaves (or I leave) that's it - we're done. We're either in this relationship or it's over.

I'm not quite sure why he reacts like this, but I'm guessing it's fear, that he feels the need to give me an ultimatum.


The other thing I failed to mention is he's out of town ALOT - I only see him for a couple of hours a week total. So I pretty much already have a break from the relationship - in the physical sense anyways.

Still, the idea may need to be revisited.

<3<3
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Old 10-06-2014, 08:24 AM
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Hiya Mrrryyyahhhh

I've made two prior attempts at sobriety aside from this time (The Last Time, haha). Each time, the first few months saw me behave like a bot when it came to relationships and the emotions that go along with it.

If I had one thing to learn from those prior experiences - and that which I am trying to apply to this sober life now - is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The first time, in 2010, I filed for divorce (I know, right?!) the second time, earlier this year, I kicked my boyfriend out.

Yeah. Not a little embarrassed about those actions, noooo. <sarcasm>

So, I guess, don't be me. Try not to be rash; I understand those feelings like you're just using him, that what y'all had together was simply because you were under the influence and your mind wasn't right, that you should get all your stuff straight on your own so you can figure out who YOU are without HIM, etc.

One thing I noticed as well, along those lines, is even though we stop drinking, we still are very much the same person - just because I sobered up, didn't mean that I was no longer attracted to my exes' personalities. I was! In fact, years later, my ex-h and I are great friends, and the bf with whom I broke up earlier this year is admittedly someone I am still attracted to. They are both good people (details aside, of course, because we all have our faults).

So my long-winded .02 is - give it a chance. And air your feelings to him (reasonably, when you're in a good place of mind). Bottling them up makes them worse and for me, led to unnecessary resentment. Talking about them gives them less power, and you may find that it's all in your head, and that sharing this with him will bring you back closer, instead of in orbit with your own thoughts. If he's the good person he sounds like he is, he will understand.

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Old 10-06-2014, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Mrrryah1 View Post
.




Thanks Jupey! I love the idea also. Unfortunately, I've asked for this before, and he's flipped out and said that if he leaves (or I leave) that's it - we're done. We're either in this relationship or it's over.

I'm not quite sure why he reacts like this, but I'm guessing it's fear, that he feels the need to give me an ultimatum.


The other thing I failed to mention is he's out of town ALOT - I only see him for a couple of hours a week total. So I pretty much already have a break from the relationship - in the physical sense anyways.

Still, the idea may need to be revisited.

<3<3
hrm.
I would def. try to re-visit this convo. I don't know about you, but I don't deal well with ultimatums at all. LOL
Particularly in cases where there is no black and white area, but a huge grey one.
I hope that you decide to follow your heart no matter what, and do what feels right and good for you.
But don't be impulsive we all know how that ends. At least I do! haha
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Old 10-06-2014, 11:44 AM
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My suggestion, Mrrryah, would be to give it time, take it slow, and give your sober eyes, mind and heart time to focus and adjust.
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:35 PM
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I was in a relationship during the worst of my alcoholism. We met at a time when I was unhappy, lonely, and drinking more and more. She was a very pretty girl and didn't have a mean bone in her body. My friends and family absolutely loved her. I thought I loved her too, but I think I may have liked the attention and company of her more.

I never felt a connection and I couldn't really talk to about anything meaningful. I was unfaithful and lied to her a lot. She stuck with me for 6 years until I was just too far gone into addiction for even her to put up with.

When I sobered up, I realized I was never in love with her. I 'loved' her, but more like I would love a friend or relative. The alcohol had really clouded my true feelings. I honestly couldn't have loved any girl if I didn't even love myself.

Go with your heart. You know deep down whether you truly are in love with this man. No doubt you deeply care about him, but to go through with this marriage when you don't really love him is not fair to him or you. You could be keeping him from finding a woman who does return his feelings of true love.

After my ex and I parted ways, she soon met a new man, and they are now happily married. I feel guilty for wasting so much of her time, but the guilt is lessened now that I know she found happiness and a man who truly loves her.
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Old 10-06-2014, 02:27 PM
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Ooooooooh, this is a tough one. I think you've gotten some good advice to wait and give it some time. I can relate to a lot of what you posted, although I've been with my now-husband for 16 years (married for 12) and we have 2 kids. I was young when we met, and kind of a "free spirit" while he was (and is) very financially successful and responsible. I think that set up a dynamic for our relationship that has proven challenging over the years, because as I grew up, I wanted more power in the relationship, but he was unable to relinquish control.

My drinking compounded the dynamic that he was "right" and I was "wrong." Until recently, it was hard to have a leg to stand on during arguments because how could his controlling behavior possibly be worse than being an alcoholic?! Both he and I bought into that, and it is tough to unravel now that I'm trying to recover.

I think the fact that you have a lot of time to yourself is a good thing. You can think this through as your head clears. I know how tempting it can me to make a rash decision, but I also hear you saying that it's now or never. Feel free to PM me if I can be of any help to you. Take care!!!
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