Yurt

Funny, but I never really thought of my AH as being a Narcissist, but each of these descriptors fits him perfectly.

How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

mischa1

My husband is such a narcissist. I had never heard of the actual disorder before. I always thought it was just someone a little too into themselves. It's a real deal and unbelievable. Although he will never be officially diagnosed bc he fears therapy more than I fear spiders. I'm guessing he knows he's messed up somehow but does not want to be told about it. He would deny it anyway so no point even trying. He's said he would go to a therapy session 1 time but flaked out at the last second. The best I have managed so far is get him to 1 outpatient rehab class. After that he refused to go back. The session was a family one so I was there to see what happened and it really hit home. Made him think. After 2 days of thinking he refused to go back. He doesn't want help bc he thinks he is fine and that everyone just wants to change him. He's right. We all want to change him bc he is sick.

Anyway. If you really think that's what it is...NPD...like I do the only advise I have been able to find is run. As fast as you can. It only gets worse. I'm running as fast as I can but keep getting sucked back in. Hopefully this time I make it to the courthouse to file the papers. It's hard emotionally for what I "feel" like I'm losing and also bc I can't get off work to go downtown to file the damn papers. I'm finding a way this week. Even if I have to call in "sick" to do it.

hopeful4

So accurate!

dandylion

Yurt.....I will confess: When I read your first threads, here....my first thoughts were: "He sounds like a narcissistic dictator". I hope you are not offended by this... BUT--the characteristics seemed to jump off the page to me.

dandylion

GracieLou

My mother is a narcissist and when I read the book “Will I ever be good enough” which is a book for daughters of narcissistic mothers. The phycologist that wrote it pointed out in the book that an alcoholic or addict while using can mirror a narcissism and that in most cases once an alcoholic or addict gets sober and recovers the traits will disappear but not always.

Being an alcoholic that was hard to read. I had to force myself to highlight it and continue reading.

dandylion

GracieLou....if you are wondering if you are a narcissist....you are not a narcissist...LOL!!

dandylion

GracieLou

I never wondered if I was. I am an alcoholic. My point was that an alcoholic can appear to be a narcissist in many ways, some of the traits are the same when they are active in their addiction.

That was hard to read. I never wanted to treat my children the way I was treated and while I did not have the traits I was still selfish. My vice was alcohol. My mother was herself…LOL

dandylion

Gracie....I hear what you are saying. Remember that there are degrees of narcissism....we can all have elements of narcissism at certain times....not as intense and pervasive as the actual disorder......

dandylion

Florence

Yeah, IMO Narcissism and active addiction can look a lot alike. Presumably when the alcoholic gets sober, a lot of these traits will subside. Not always.

Being narcissistic and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder are two separate things. Addicts are often narcissistic. That doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

What the label MEANS exactly depends. I say if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, whether or not we CALL it a duck, I can treat it like a duck if it means I handle it's duck-ness better than otherwise. Some of the Al-Anon things I've learned here have helped me deal with my NPD ex. Some of the NPD things I've learned help me deal with XAH. Whatever works.

My favorite site regarding NPD is this one: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : How to Recognize a Narcissist

I find that the NPDs I've known, and I'm pretty sure I've known two, are difficult to be around, entitled, expect you to walk on eggshells, blame you for having feelings that contradict their own, secretive, casually cruel, and extremely contradictory. And oddly, they're weirdly obsessive about medical issues, especially when it comes to their children. Kids are just extensions of the NPD's self-image -- they otherwise don't really exist. Most people think of a narcissist like a movie star -- gorgeous, entitled, grandiose. There is some of this, but not every Capital-N Narcissist is good looking and successful.

My mom fits the profile, but my ex-NPD, my son's dad, is a shining textbook example of a person with NPD. He's one scary MF, but like most NPDs, he's mellowing with age. Some of my stories about him and my interactions with him are outrageous! He used to send me into panic attacks, but thanks to a LOT of counseling I feel a lot of emotional distance from him today.

suncatcher

Thanks so much for posting that link yurt! That was my relationship with AXBF! I definitely looked for his approval and my self esteem plummeted. So glad I walked away ...an hour away! I feel stronger and will never let myself get involved with a narcissist again.

ShootingStar1

Google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism" and you'll find lots of YouTube videos that are pointedly accurate and insightful about narcissism.

That's because Sam Vaknin IS a narcissist, by his own admission, and it takes one to know one.

Also the book The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists is a great one.

There was a lot of discussion on this forum about narcissists a year or two ago, so you can search for those threads, too.

ShootingStar1

dandylion

Yeah, Shootingstar...I think that is a good book. I recommend it, also...

dandylion

Plenny

My mom. 100%. I cut her out of my life and walked away four years ago. It was very hard to recover from that for about a year. But I am much better with it now. My life has improved so much. I can really be myself and represent myself now. Unfortunately I had to say goodbye to nearly my whole family because of the things she said about me. As painful as that was, it was worth it, because I finally have myself, and I've let go of a lot of my unhealthy practices along with her: self hatred and self harm, guilt, confusion, allowing myself to be used, etc. I'm a much stronger person now.

GracieLou

Me too!

I have went no contact as well. It has only been three months but I am feeling better not having the weight of her in my life. I too lost contact with several family members because of my decision but like you, it was worth it.

I have control over my life now. I am free to be the person I was meant to be with no feelings of guilt or obligation. I have let go of the anger and grief. I have complete acceptance about her, my past and I stand by my decision. It is my life it was high time I took control of it with my own two hands instead of trying to pry it our of my mothers. I only get one life to live and I wanted it to be happy and guilt free.

The relationship that worried me the most was with my children and with God’s help they remain in my life with no ill feelings towards me. They are adults and are fully capable of making their own decisions. I never asked them to pick sides. I only want our relationship to be based between us and not anything their grandmother has said or may say. They both agree with that way of looking it. They are free to have a relationship with her if they wish. I would never want to try to control or sway them in any way. I respect they have a choice just as I had a choice.

littlegoose

Thank you for posting! My mom always said my dad was a narcissist. However, he doesn't really fit the criteria. He's just an addict.

BrokenInPieces

My xabf had some narcissistic traits, I think. Things that he would do/say that would irk me, but I always thought of it as arrogance or a need to be noticed that was hiding a self-esteem issue.

At times, he'd talk in a grandiose way about wanting to be buried in a mausoleum... if I complimented him on how handsome he looked or how great he smelled, his reply wasn't "thank you", it was "I know"... he freely admits to loving money and material things... he'd send me flowers at work, then tell me how he paid extra to have them delivered at a certain time "for maximum exposure" - he wanted my co-workers to see them and comment what a great guy he is... he was generous with himself and his time/money, but not without the strange need to let others know about what he had done/given... i heard the same stories more than a couple times over about how he'd done/bought this or that for someone (expensive things like a vehicle, appliances, large sums of money)... his version of why a previous relationship had broken up was that she had been to many places and traveled a lot, so he couldn't impress her... he'd buy me a gift, then ask if I'd shown/told anyone about it and what did they say?... a comment he'd put in an email to me once that "I've been assured by many that if they had a daughter, they'd want her to find a guy like me". (umm... ok... who the fk says that?? lol)

I always just chalked it up to one of the differences between us, as I am a very simple, "it's the little things", kind of person. But maybe it was actually covering up something deeper that he struggles with. It's sad, to be honest. He's a great guy without trying so damn hard to impress everyone.

Hawks

Narcissists are in love with themselves to the point they cannot feel empathy for other people in their lives.

Do narcissists drink? Sure, it would seem they certainly do.

A real alcoholic though is not in love with themselves, because they are slowly killing themselves with higher and higher doses of alcohol.

Therefore you cannot be in Love with yourself and killing yourself at the same time.

The shared traits might look the same but the root causes are completely opposite.

Alcoholic folk have a huge lack of self worth, narcissistic folk have too much self worth to the exclusion of all others.

BrokenInPieces

He drinks about a pint of hard alcohol every night in a span of about 2-3 hours. (1.75 liter bottle in 3-4 nights). Not sure if that makes him a "real" alcoholic, but it makes him *something* - usually drunk.

I'm guessing what you're saying is that his generous gestures are more likely derived from of his low self-esteem than any narcissistic traits? He is a very generous person by nature, but it seems sometimes he's trying to get more life points or something. I dunno.

Rosalba

It sounds as though he's desperately trying to convince himself and others that he's a generous, giving person because deep down he doesn't think he is. Ironically, his attempts at self-reassurance make him look like a jerk, thereby creating the very outcome he's trying to avoid!

My Xabf used to tell me very forcibly that he's a good, kind person in the same breath as spewing gratuitously unpleasant bile. It was easier to forgive when I realised that he lived with the bile 24/7.

Rosalba

Quoting from the blurb on the back of Alexander Lowen's book 'Narcissism':

Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not love themselves, or anyone else. They are people who cannot accept their true selves, constructing instead a fixed mask that hides emotional numbness - an inability to feel.

Of course, these people can wreak havoc on those around them. And there's a world of difference between healthy self-love and narcissism.