rachwx

My name is Rachael, I'm 19, Irish, and a college student - and I'm probably an alcoholic.

I wasn't really sure where to post this, but I just wanted to put it out there. I'm an intelligent person, I study well for college and I'm studying to get a diploma in the clarinet at the moment as well. I help out at my old school teaching choir, and I give language lessons to some kids in my neighbourhood. My point is, I'm not using alcohol because I have a difficult life - in fact my life is pretty privileged in comparison to most.

So I don't understand why I stay up really late and wait for my Dad to go to bed so that I can drink by myself. When I'm on a night out with friends my alcohol consumption is actually okay, it's not out of the ordinary. But I drink alone - that's the difference. If I feel stressed or my workload is too much, I just want a drink. When I had a full time job over summer I would go to the bar after my shifts and drink alone because no-one could judge me for drinking on a weekday (or every weekday).

And I'm not in denial - like I said, I'm a smart kid. There's a reason I keep my drinking a secret from everyone, because they'll get worried and try to help me. And that's my problem, I don't want help. I don't want to stop.

So why am I here? Honestly I'm not really sure. Maybe because I'm hungover and feel like crap. I want to know what's wrong with me that I'm self medicating with alcohol when I have an awesome life to begin with. I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest.

And I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong forum for this.

Sulu1

Hi Rachwx,

We can often get caught up with terms like 'alcoholic' , I'm not a believer in the word personally. I'm 22 and coming down from a bender as we speak. I was doing the same thing to a much less of an extent at 19 and things have gotten worse each time I go back to drinking.

I'd emplore you to quit drinking now if you think you have a problem. Like you i'm a pretty intelligent person - when it comes to drugs/ booze though I make the worst decisions. It really is easier to just stay away from them. I have lots going for me in my life but recently things have begun to fall apart and its gotten even harder to stay quit for good. I've ruined my relationship with the person I wanted to marry because of my behaviour. Sorry for the negative tone to my post - I relate a lot to how you feel. You can stop before things get too bad

I've always drank alone so can relate. I actually hate drinking with others as I always take it too far and make a fool out of myself!

Fly N Buy

You are in the exact right place!!!

Good for you on your honesty, Glad you're here!!

Each of us has to decide for themselves if alcohol has become the "God" in our lives and we need to cast it out.

Have a look around, post often!

peace

rachwx

Thanks MrG,

Yeah, I think I have a real problem with the term as well. I don't see myself as an 'alcoholic' and I don't think I ever could - not at this age anyway. But I know I've got to do something. I suppose that's why I came on here. It's a step in the right direction anyway.

I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. I guess I'm lucky that I haven't gotten to that point yet where I've had any specific repercussions. I don't know if I'll be able to stop completely, but I think SR will be able to help me be more aware of what I'm doing and how easily it can spiral.

Thanks again.

FreeOwl

the first time I ever really drank in earnest I was 14.

That night, I got blackout drunk. I got in a fight. A fist fight. With a girl. I was an a** to all my friends. I don't know how I made it back home. I got caught sneaking back into my house and scared the holy jesus out of my Mom.

The cops were called - by my Dad. I was in all manner of trouble.

And.... I was drinking again within weeks.

This characterized my drinking for the next 20+ years.

I was an alcoholic from the first time I drank.

Yes. A 19 year old can be an alcoholic.

Anna

I also believe you can be an alcoholic from the time you start drinking, but remember it's just a label and you don't need to use it.

I'm sorry that you don't want to stop drinking, but if you ever decide to stop, we are here to help.

FreeOwl

You wouldn't believe the number of us that said things almost identical to what you've just posted over and over again as we've dug our lives deeper and deeper into the muck.

Stick around here... read people's stories....

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Rach welcome

MarathonMan

like freeOwl I was an alcoholic from the start....I've only ever had one gear when it comes to drinking and that's 5th....it doesn't matter if it's a Tuesday night and I've gone for one after work or a Saturday afternoon with the football.....I end up getting totally blasted.....I was the same at 15 and would be the same if I had a drink after work today.

When I was young I was always the one who never stopped, my friends used to set me challanges of how much to drink in a night....I don't think I've ever been out for a night out and been able to remember the taxi or walk home.

So I think yes you can be an alcoholic at 19 or 14 but it's maybe pretty doubtful you will recognise it fully at that time....I think i was pretty young when I first realised and had my first stint at sobriety when I was 23-25. 29 now and still trying to fight those demons.

Good luck and I hope as you are young you can stop early or curb it enough to not head down the rabbit hole like the rest of us

Hawks

I define alcoholic drinking in two ways.

Do you have any great difficulty in leaving alcohol alone for any length of time.... Yes or no?

Can you say with a large degree of certainty how much you will drink, once you commence....
Yes or no?

If you think yes to the first question, then please get back to us in 12 months and report the results and how easy it was if you can make it the full twelve months.

If you think yes to the second question, then pledge to have no more than 2 drinks in any session for a year, again, report back with results and tell us how easy it was (or wasn't) as the case may be.


I can only wish I had taken such a look at myself and my drinking at your age.

You really have no idea how lucky you are to have had these thoughts at 19.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

anattaboy

I drank alcoholically from age 14 so by 19 was aware I had a problem but wanted to learn to drink....never did. Kudos to you for being aware and honest. Suffice it to say 90% of this forum would like to see you quit now to save you the hell we've lived with this condition. Best wishes on making the obvious choice.

herradura

Like many others I could have written your post 25 years ago. Same circumstances. Whether you are an "alcoholic" or not is in my opinion not the point. If you use it to cope with stress, then it will most probably be used more and more to cope with more and more stress. There are much better ways to cope with stress than alcohol, I don't know many of them, but people who don't have a drinking problem use them everyday.

The kicker I see from my experience is eventually the booze is not used for stress, is causes stress and you need more and more to live a "normal" life. I have had less stress in the last two years than any other time in my life, but I have drank more in the last two years than in any other time. So they became disjointed, and the alcohol took over as the means for weekly living.

That being said, if you can nip this in the bud, then you will have a much better life. Drinking is a lot fun when you first get into it. But it progresses and eventually it is not that much fun, it is a real detractor of life and living.

Keep posting and find your way.

Good luck.

Treerat66

Hello Rach,

Welcome to SR.

Sunsetred

I have never been able to drink 'normally' thinking back, I have always been the one wanting another, if we were in a club and I knew closing time was coming and I wasn't drunk enough I'd start drinking faster or buying shots! My father is an 'alcoholic' so I'm not sure if I was conditioned, as such, to drink this way from an early age or whether it's heredity. My sister also drinks excessively but in a very different way to me, and we've often spoke about how scared we are of becoming our father! The fact is we both already are and have been for a very long time! The minute you start to question whether your drinking is right or not should set alarm bells ringing!

I feel that you have answered your own question just by asking it, but are hoping for some rectification from us that your drinking is normal and fine and you should continue! I don't think it is at all and as many of the other users have said quit now before you get further down the line and the drinking gets progressively worse and worse to the pint where it is massively affecting your life. You have a wonderful life ahead of you at 19, you can do anything in the world. Don't regret not making the break from alcohol now.

I definitely wish I had stopped the moment I realized it was an issue, and I'm only 29! Things progress very quickly where problem drinking is involved!

There is lots of support here stick around and use it

N3p3nth3

Rachwx, I think it's great that you have the insight and self-awareness to ask yourself these questions at 19! I'm also the self-medicating type who would prefer to drink alone, although this pattern didn't really settle in for me until my mid 20's. I also hid my drinking behavior and had all manner of strategies to do so. And I too knew full well that my drinking was problematic, but didn't want to stop.

A lot of alcoholics-- myself included-- consider ourselves "high-functioning" as we maintain jobs, etc. I think this can be a bit of a curse though, as it allows us to more easily rationalize away our unhealthy behavior. I got my masters magna *** laude from a fancy-pants university while I was still drinking, but that doesn't mean I wasn't doing myself harm and limiting myself in a number of ways.

Only you can ultimately decide what is best for you, but reading your post made me ask myself what would have been helpful for me to hear when I was your age. If I could give my 19-year-old self some advice it would be to 1) avoid other people with addictive or self-destructive patterns because then you just feed off of each other, 2) consider getting some therapy to explore this desire to escape reality, and 3) try to avoid isolation and focus instead on maintaining healthy and close relationships even when you don't instinctively want to do so.

N3p3nth3

I seem to have a way of accidentally triggering the censors on here lately. Whoops!

Drknz

Hi Rach,

im now 25, Irish/Australian and Alcohol dependent which means if I don't have a drink every couple of days I can get edgy, anxious and its not a very comfortable feeling. When I was your age even younger I was drinking with my friends heavily at house parties and in the park or wherever was available to us.

I didnt know at the time alcohol could be damaging or addictive. I just thought it was something all people did to have fun. You sound like an intelligent rational person so all I can say to you is.. if you continue to use alcohol as a relaxant or crutch to self medicate now instead of finding other ways to relax (meditate etc) or solve why your self medicating, then you could possibly end up alcohol dependent by the time your 22 -23 which is not a very nice feeling to have.

Not trying to scare you! the people here are great support for you to drop in and have a chat if you feel like you cant share with anyone else at the moment. Stay well!

heath480

Welcome to SR.

The youngest Alcoholic I have met was 19,at that time they were 3years sober.

PurpleKnight

Hey Rachael, welcome to the Forum!!

I found it more important to focus on the behaviours when I drank rather than figure out the definition of alcoholic, what was my relationship with alcohol? did I drink alone? did I look forward to the next time I could drink? and possibly put off other things in life to have that drink?

Alcohol slowly started to creep in more and more into my life, I didn't notice anything in my teens, but by my mid 20s when I started working, alcohol had become a larger focus within my life, not simply the volumes/frequency I drank, but the secret drinking, the obsessing over it in my mind.

An important question is, could you go a few weeks without it? is alcohol such an important part of your life that going without would be uncomfortable, for me the thought of not drinking almost created a panic attack, and it was then I knew something had to change.

Only we can tell if we need to change, but coming here to ask that question takes real courage!!

Mrrryah1

I was full blown alcoholic by the time I was 19 years old. Drinking by myself frequently.

I wasn't ready to quit either.

I am now 27 years old and finally ready to quit. The last 8 years have been a sad, steady decline into further emotional turmoil and mental distress.

I hope you get the gift of desperation sooner than later.

I can assure you, this is a great place to start.