BPD Borderline Personality Disorder
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BPD Borderline Personality Disorder
I know this forum is about alcoholism, just sometimes I always felt that I belonged in F&F of alcoholics instead of the the alcoholism forum. I joined here because I was drinking, I was drinking a lot. I was trying to deal with things, that there was no way that I could ever deal with them, so I stopped trying to deal with them. Confusing yet? I was trying to make sense out of a world where I was blamed for everything. I had slept in my car in the winter just to get away from the non-sense.
My ex was the push and pull, the black and white, the love you, he hate you type person. He would disappear for months, then show up, and I should have jumped his bones then because he finally came home. I should have just gotten over it and celebrated his return.
Anyone else here that spent hours and hour and days and months and years and years trying to figure things out to make their marriage work?
Yet nothing matters, because when they are good you can't bring up the past because you are now starting to try to start a fight and it is all you.
Ever walk away from a fight and feel like they finally understood? but they didn't.
Ever walk away from a fight, and not even know what the fight is about?
Ever want to keep a journal to check your own sanity as to what you said and they said?
Ever feel or just want to be committed to a hospital just for rest?
Ever feel like you have a straight jacket on, and duck tape on your mouth and you can't do or say anything to make the fight stop, and you can't leave, and you try to leave the room, and they just follow you, and follow you?
I guess I don't expect many responses to this. This board is about alcoholism. Perhaps some think that if the drinking stops all of the above will stop.
Perhaps, I am just still in my PTSD and should stay off of here for awhile.
I don't know. I don't know reality anymore. I'm just seeing a lot of crazy sh1t on the board right now about abuse, silent treatments, people running away from obligations. Perhaps it's just me.
My ex was the push and pull, the black and white, the love you, he hate you type person. He would disappear for months, then show up, and I should have jumped his bones then because he finally came home. I should have just gotten over it and celebrated his return.
Anyone else here that spent hours and hour and days and months and years and years trying to figure things out to make their marriage work?
Yet nothing matters, because when they are good you can't bring up the past because you are now starting to try to start a fight and it is all you.
Ever walk away from a fight and feel like they finally understood? but they didn't.
Ever walk away from a fight, and not even know what the fight is about?
Ever want to keep a journal to check your own sanity as to what you said and they said?
Ever feel or just want to be committed to a hospital just for rest?
Ever feel like you have a straight jacket on, and duck tape on your mouth and you can't do or say anything to make the fight stop, and you can't leave, and you try to leave the room, and they just follow you, and follow you?
I guess I don't expect many responses to this. This board is about alcoholism. Perhaps some think that if the drinking stops all of the above will stop.
Perhaps, I am just still in my PTSD and should stay off of here for awhile.
I don't know. I don't know reality anymore. I'm just seeing a lot of crazy sh1t on the board right now about abuse, silent treatments, people running away from obligations. Perhaps it's just me.
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Just sending you a hug, Amy. You belong here as much as anyone else does. I feel like I don't really belong here sometimes (or in al-anon) because my mom is my bigger problem (non-addict) emotionally and mentally than my RAH. My life orbited around her (and sometimes it slips back there) and for a short time it orbited around the chaos that my RAH created and I further contributed to it.
Are you in therapy (I can't remember)? Therapy has been the place where I've made the most growth in my own recovery.
Are you in therapy (I can't remember)? Therapy has been the place where I've made the most growth in my own recovery.
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I was in therapy, and I lied and lied and lied. I remembered everything though and I am trying to use it now.
there are just some people you can't deal with, so you have to cut them out of you life, like they are dead.
there are just some people you can't deal with, so you have to cut them out of you life, like they are dead.
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You know, borderline personality disorder is probably the ONE mental condition where I don't have personal experience.
I personally suffer from depression and PTSD.
My mom and one of her brothers both suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.
My aunt and my last commander in the army both suffered from paranoid personality disorder.
There is a lot of mental illness in my family. It grew out of the legacy of my paternal grandfather's horrendous physical, mental and emotional abuse of his family. He married my grandmother when she was 15 (and pregnant, like the TV show, only sadder). She was his second wife, he had 3 families. She had my mom when she was 16. They had 6 more children. He abused them every single day of their lives. My grandmother left him and he immediately remarried. I have 2 half-uncles who are 18 months older than I am.
My dad grew up with 2 brothers and parents who are still married to this day (if they are both alive, they shunned me and cut off contact when I was 19). Pure alcoholism and codependency on that side.
It is a family disease. Alcoholism, mental illness, all of it. We are attracted to these people for a reason, whether we realize it or not.
Kudos to anyone who is even lurking on this site. I lurked for 3 or 4 months before I actually worked up the courage and joined. Keep reading and learning. Think about your family history, if anyone you remember seems like they "weren't quite right", whether they drank or not. Untreated mental illness and personality disorders are insidious, and growing up with it primes us for a lifetime of codependency and abuse.
No offense to those who are living with mental illness. I know there are a number of self-aware members here who are successfully living with and treating mental illness on a daily basis.
Not hijacking (OK a little, forgive me). I've just noticed a lot of folks not registered but looking at threads lately and the mental illness stuff triggers me b/c it goes hand in hand with substance abuse. Your radar is right. Something is "off." It takes a ton of courage to register and then to post. I understand.
Keep reading, and thanks Amy, for another thoughtful thread.
I personally suffer from depression and PTSD.
My mom and one of her brothers both suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.
My aunt and my last commander in the army both suffered from paranoid personality disorder.
There is a lot of mental illness in my family. It grew out of the legacy of my paternal grandfather's horrendous physical, mental and emotional abuse of his family. He married my grandmother when she was 15 (and pregnant, like the TV show, only sadder). She was his second wife, he had 3 families. She had my mom when she was 16. They had 6 more children. He abused them every single day of their lives. My grandmother left him and he immediately remarried. I have 2 half-uncles who are 18 months older than I am.
My dad grew up with 2 brothers and parents who are still married to this day (if they are both alive, they shunned me and cut off contact when I was 19). Pure alcoholism and codependency on that side.
It is a family disease. Alcoholism, mental illness, all of it. We are attracted to these people for a reason, whether we realize it or not.
Kudos to anyone who is even lurking on this site. I lurked for 3 or 4 months before I actually worked up the courage and joined. Keep reading and learning. Think about your family history, if anyone you remember seems like they "weren't quite right", whether they drank or not. Untreated mental illness and personality disorders are insidious, and growing up with it primes us for a lifetime of codependency and abuse.
No offense to those who are living with mental illness. I know there are a number of self-aware members here who are successfully living with and treating mental illness on a daily basis.
Not hijacking (OK a little, forgive me). I've just noticed a lot of folks not registered but looking at threads lately and the mental illness stuff triggers me b/c it goes hand in hand with substance abuse. Your radar is right. Something is "off." It takes a ton of courage to register and then to post. I understand.
Keep reading, and thanks Amy, for another thoughtful thread.
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Thank you for all of your incite into this. It indeed gives a lot to think about and gives so much incite into how children can be after being raised in this envirnoment. (sp) sometimes not my greatest attribute. (lol)
I think with BPD, there are more woman diagnosed with this, only because men don't seek out treatment. They either turn up in jail, or addicted to something. (or commit suicide). Don't like to say that, but its true.
I came to SR because of my drinking problem. I tend to empathize( or I don't know what word to use, but sort of blend in here more, I more associate myself with this side of the board)
I self medicate, I did that for about 5 weeks this summer. I'm ok for last I guess 3 weeks. I'm sorry. I still can't think straight. At least my spelling is still OK. I was triggered into PTSD again. Think I just needed to talk about abnormal situations and why people may think they are normal. Or am I still crazy? Am I making sense?
I think with BPD, there are more woman diagnosed with this, only because men don't seek out treatment. They either turn up in jail, or addicted to something. (or commit suicide). Don't like to say that, but its true.
I came to SR because of my drinking problem. I tend to empathize( or I don't know what word to use, but sort of blend in here more, I more associate myself with this side of the board)
I self medicate, I did that for about 5 weeks this summer. I'm ok for last I guess 3 weeks. I'm sorry. I still can't think straight. At least my spelling is still OK. I was triggered into PTSD again. Think I just needed to talk about abnormal situations and why people may think they are normal. Or am I still crazy? Am I making sense?
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It was a bad time for PTSD this summer. Mine was worse than it's been since I got home from Iraq.
It ebbs and wanes, apparently. Ugh. Big hugs. I know you had a bad time too.
And that's what my post was really about. Thank you for making it so succinct. When we grow ups with personality disordered or mentally ill adults in our lives that behavior seems normal, and we don't always understand how substance abuse ties into that.
It ebbs and wanes, apparently. Ugh. Big hugs. I know you had a bad time too.
And that's what my post was really about. Thank you for making it so succinct. When we grow ups with personality disordered or mentally ill adults in our lives that behavior seems normal, and we don't always understand how substance abuse ties into that.
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Amy, I must say I drank earlier this year during a death in the family and I found my emotional responses afterwards took a long time to recover. For me, the kindling effect of drinking again, coupled with the grief, and my dysfunctional families response to the death, were all intertwined.
Some days I'd be like, yeah, I've got this, I'm calm and in control - next minute, on the spin of an upsetting tone or word from someone - I could be irate, fuming!
I also found I had to end drinking coffee also, as it was messing with my adrenal responses too.
If it helps, I felt like I was being drawn into the craziness some days....but in hindsight, it was a period of great growth for me. Gut wrenching at times, but it has ultimately resulted in some very healthy boundaries being established, and me finally letting go of stuff that isn't my business.
It's very liberating to just keep in my own business and not take on the things I can't change anymore.
Amy, please don't underestimate how alcohol relapse/ slip can unsettle your internal biochemistry all over again. It lasts much longer than the hangover and took me a good 4 months to recover from that wobble off the wagon.
Don't be too hard on yourself about where your head is at.
Some days I'd be like, yeah, I've got this, I'm calm and in control - next minute, on the spin of an upsetting tone or word from someone - I could be irate, fuming!
I also found I had to end drinking coffee also, as it was messing with my adrenal responses too.
If it helps, I felt like I was being drawn into the craziness some days....but in hindsight, it was a period of great growth for me. Gut wrenching at times, but it has ultimately resulted in some very healthy boundaries being established, and me finally letting go of stuff that isn't my business.
It's very liberating to just keep in my own business and not take on the things I can't change anymore.
Amy, please don't underestimate how alcohol relapse/ slip can unsettle your internal biochemistry all over again. It lasts much longer than the hangover and took me a good 4 months to recover from that wobble off the wagon.
Don't be too hard on yourself about where your head is at.
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I sometimes refer to alcoholism as Acquired Personality Disorder Syndrome. Because the behavior is just like certain personality disorders, especially BPD, Narcissistic P.D. and Anti-Social P.D. Probably others too, I just dont feel like getting all thorough about it now, since it's nearly bed time. :P
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please know that I am not going out to my car in the middle of the night and curling up like a cocoon with a bottle of beer. I admit I went down for about a month, probably month and a half, didn't keep track, still not keeping track, but I did check on my sobriety date. It is 9/17/2014.
I want to continue to hibernate, but this is the best place for me. You won't let me!!!!!!! (Sorry, editing now. Really meant I was talking to the voices in my head then, why I said You won't let me !!!!!!!) Again sorry bout that, it seemed like I was getting angry at the forum and I am not. You are my sole serenity.
I went out this weekend. Went to a special olympic baseball outing. Young adults with autism. Had a great time. It was cold, but that was OK, we had hot chocolate, and the bbq coals to keep me warm. What a year this was with the weather!!!!!
I am listening to everyone here, and I appreciate all the responses, you know in a way what was weird with me. I worked for So cial Sec urity. I interviewed people applying for dis ability benefits. I was always given the people no one else could handle. They all liked me. I did this for 19 years, only 2 people made me afraid. One just came out of a mental institution. He went back after cutting his friends cats heads off and boiling them, the other, threatened to blow up the S Sec urity Office. He was found out to have a 170 IQ, and had the equipment in his apt to do this. So I don't scare easily.
My ex scares me. I truly think he is BPD. You see this doesn't come out to other people. Its an emotional thing an intimacy thing. It's very subtle, but it is mind blowing. I thought I could handle anything. Like I said, I worked for S o cial Sec urity. Just treat people with respect and they will respond. It worked for me.
Then I couldn't handle my own life. I tried everything, read every book, tried that also, you know, I wasn't going to give up.
How could I deal with criminals and not be able to deal with my ex?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a relationship thing, no one else may ever see this.
I want to continue to hibernate, but this is the best place for me. You won't let me!!!!!!! (Sorry, editing now. Really meant I was talking to the voices in my head then, why I said You won't let me !!!!!!!) Again sorry bout that, it seemed like I was getting angry at the forum and I am not. You are my sole serenity.
I went out this weekend. Went to a special olympic baseball outing. Young adults with autism. Had a great time. It was cold, but that was OK, we had hot chocolate, and the bbq coals to keep me warm. What a year this was with the weather!!!!!
I am listening to everyone here, and I appreciate all the responses, you know in a way what was weird with me. I worked for So cial Sec urity. I interviewed people applying for dis ability benefits. I was always given the people no one else could handle. They all liked me. I did this for 19 years, only 2 people made me afraid. One just came out of a mental institution. He went back after cutting his friends cats heads off and boiling them, the other, threatened to blow up the S Sec urity Office. He was found out to have a 170 IQ, and had the equipment in his apt to do this. So I don't scare easily.
My ex scares me. I truly think he is BPD. You see this doesn't come out to other people. Its an emotional thing an intimacy thing. It's very subtle, but it is mind blowing. I thought I could handle anything. Like I said, I worked for S o cial Sec urity. Just treat people with respect and they will respond. It worked for me.
Then I couldn't handle my own life. I tried everything, read every book, tried that also, you know, I wasn't going to give up.
How could I deal with criminals and not be able to deal with my ex?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a relationship thing, no one else may ever see this.
Last edited by amy55; 10-05-2014 at 10:12 PM. Reason: Sorry, my voices in my head were talking to me
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Well, you weren't LIVING with the criminals. And the involvement wasnt like an intimate r-ship. It was within the bounds of professionalism. They're good at keeping the mask on with strangers or circumscribed r-ships.
Once you're family, though......fuhgeddaboudit. :p Oy vey!
Once you're family, though......fuhgeddaboudit. :p Oy vey!
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Amy55. I understand wanting to check into the hospital to get some rest. I'm scheduling surgery soon and filing annulment at the same time. I'm getting weird feelings. Maybe scared. I don't know yet. He texted tonight asking if I would please come over. I told him no I had a special dinner planned for my son and I wasn't ditching out on him. So later I get a text that he will leave the door unlocked if I decide I want to come to bed. I told him today about annulment. Turning it in next week. Why would I want to go over there. He has stole and lost my car...don't ask. 2000.00. I've supported him solid 5 months plus paid both rents in LA. I have a good job but not that good. Wand I hope he had the brainpower left to lock the door. He's trying to make me worry about him so I will run over there. He's all honey I love you. I want you here. Love love love. Then it's not. Back and forth. Mostly nice now but some weird stuff in there too. I don't know. He says he has a great opportunity and I hope it happens for him. He needs it financially. I don't really feel sane myself these days. This is all harder than you think.
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I can definitely relate Amy, except I have the benefit of actually knowing that my AH has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, BPD. He is currently in a private psych hospital that specialises in personality disorders and addiction. His psych has spent some time 'educating' me and its been an eye opener! He tells me studies show that 75% plus of men with BPD also have addictions - usually drugs or alcohol.
I was definitely one who thought that if my AH could just deal with his alcohol addiction all would be fixed. Now I know that even if he did/ does do this a lot of the crazy behaviours will remain!! I now understand why AH used to come home from his psych appointments telling me that alcohol was 'not a problem'. He just had rearranged the sentence which was actually 'not the CORE problem'!
This particular clinic believes that it is a rare alcoholic that doesn't have an underlying mental health issue and/ or personality disorder. There are many posts on here that make me think...hmmmm.....gee that sounds like BPD
BPD for a spouse is a particularly special kind of insanity! It's a relational disorder so it is the intimate relationship which really feels the full force and effect of the disorder. It can be easier for the BP person to mask their disorder with others. The PUSH and PULL is a special crazy. One minute they are loving you like you are the best thing since sliced bread, and the next they are abusing and reviling you. It's impossible to keep up.
My AH uses alcohol to numb the BPD...but the lowering of inhibitions that comes with alcohol consumption actually makes his BPD more pronounced...it's just he's too dulled to recognise it!!!
I also can relate to not feeling like I belong/ can talk about the comorbidities. I know when I first found out someone suggested I go elsewhere, somewhere more relevant, or even go to the psych myself. I know they didn't mean it unkindly but it did hurt. I don't know how many of my issues are caused by BPD ad how many by alcohol, but I really think that neither of these are mutually exclusive in terms of what I need to do for my own recovery, and for me SR is a big part of that, so I stick around.
You are very valuable here Amy, and you've helped many of us immeasurably...me especially.
Take good care.
I was definitely one who thought that if my AH could just deal with his alcohol addiction all would be fixed. Now I know that even if he did/ does do this a lot of the crazy behaviours will remain!! I now understand why AH used to come home from his psych appointments telling me that alcohol was 'not a problem'. He just had rearranged the sentence which was actually 'not the CORE problem'!
This particular clinic believes that it is a rare alcoholic that doesn't have an underlying mental health issue and/ or personality disorder. There are many posts on here that make me think...hmmmm.....gee that sounds like BPD
BPD for a spouse is a particularly special kind of insanity! It's a relational disorder so it is the intimate relationship which really feels the full force and effect of the disorder. It can be easier for the BP person to mask their disorder with others. The PUSH and PULL is a special crazy. One minute they are loving you like you are the best thing since sliced bread, and the next they are abusing and reviling you. It's impossible to keep up.
My AH uses alcohol to numb the BPD...but the lowering of inhibitions that comes with alcohol consumption actually makes his BPD more pronounced...it's just he's too dulled to recognise it!!!
I also can relate to not feeling like I belong/ can talk about the comorbidities. I know when I first found out someone suggested I go elsewhere, somewhere more relevant, or even go to the psych myself. I know they didn't mean it unkindly but it did hurt. I don't know how many of my issues are caused by BPD ad how many by alcohol, but I really think that neither of these are mutually exclusive in terms of what I need to do for my own recovery, and for me SR is a big part of that, so I stick around.
You are very valuable here Amy, and you've helped many of us immeasurably...me especially.
Take good care.
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Originally Posted by amy55 
My ex scares me. I truly think he is BPD. You see this doesn't come out to other people. Its an emotional thing an intimacy thing. It's very subtle, but it is mind blowing. I thought I could handle anything.
...
Borderline Personality Disorder is a relationship thing, no one else may ever see this.
...
Borderline Personality Disorder is a relationship thing, no one else may ever see this.
You are right, it's so hard to define sometimes when explaining to others who don't see or hear the words and manipulations. Mind games. It's very scary.
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Hi Amy,
I hope you are feeling better today.
I didn't know you are a double winner. That must be very challenging to deal with.
One thing that jumps out at me (and I mean this in a good supportive way) is that you had a recent alcohol relapse and are seeking support on the codependent side rather than the A side. Now, maybe you are doing both and it is absolutely none of my business, but this is really reminding me of A's who seek support from their codependents rather than fellow A's.
Again, I have no issue with you posting here at all. However, you have some time under your belt with this stuff and I see new codie's (who probably don't understand that dynamic yet) posting and my spidey sense is really tingling.
Take Care
I hope you are feeling better today.
I didn't know you are a double winner. That must be very challenging to deal with.
One thing that jumps out at me (and I mean this in a good supportive way) is that you had a recent alcohol relapse and are seeking support on the codependent side rather than the A side. Now, maybe you are doing both and it is absolutely none of my business, but this is really reminding me of A's who seek support from their codependents rather than fellow A's.
Again, I have no issue with you posting here at all. However, you have some time under your belt with this stuff and I see new codie's (who probably don't understand that dynamic yet) posting and my spidey sense is really tingling.
Take Care
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I just wanted to add my support to this thread...Amy, you sound like you're going through a really tough spot right now. I've always thought highly of your posts & your opinions. You've always been very pragmatic, and "with it".
We believe in you, and know you can handle whatever it is that comes your way.
We believe in you, and know you can handle whatever it is that comes your way.
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In addition to dealing with my separated partner and his addictions, my landlord, a "recovering" addict, got married just over a year ago to a woman who is BPD if ever there was one. Since then, he quit his job and sits in front of the TV all day popping pills from his psychiatrist.
I asked a patient of mine, a therapist, if BPD is the illness that everyone else suffers from. She had never heard that before, but liked it. Might be an original quote!
Meanwhile, I am diligently looking for another place to live, and staying away on weekends as much as possible when she's home.
I asked a patient of mine, a therapist, if BPD is the illness that everyone else suffers from. She had never heard that before, but liked it. Might be an original quote!
Meanwhile, I am diligently looking for another place to live, and staying away on weekends as much as possible when she's home.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
I asked a patient of mine, a therapist, if BPD is the illness that everyone else suffers from. She had never heard that before, but liked it. Might be an original quote!
Amy -- for TMI:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html
and check out:
BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder
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Hi again, yes I am a double winner, or triple winner, or maybe even more then that. I come here because I trust everyone here. I don't trust that easily anymore.I know people here will tell me the truth, sometimes, whether I want to hear it or not. I listen to everything. I may not want to, but I have taken your suggestions and it has been working for me.
I think sometimes I don't want to dwell on my drinking. I know when I "lose it", it's been my crutch. It's not a crutch, it was something that kept me in a situation that I didn't or couldn't even want to handle. I procrastinate a lot. I hibernate a lot. I read this thread in the morning, and I felt like I was exposing too much of myself, and I wanted to hibernate again. Just disappear. I can't do that anymore, thanks to all of you good people here.
No, BPD is not a self only illness. It affects the people around you. I developed PTSD from it. I'm not going to say that I developed my self medication from it. I have done that for a long time. Thing is, from being on this board, esp this forum, I developed different coping skills for many of the problems in my life. I no longer needed to "pick up". I no longer needed to isolate and hide from those problems. I was able to set boundaries, and my relationship with many have changed for the better.
Hammer, thank you for that website. I joined it many months ago, my name there is jynx. I haven't posted there in quite a while. You had posted it to someone else, but I looked at it, and what I saw there described my marriage. It had helped me to let go. It gave me validation and closure. Thing is, I didn't think I would really ever have to deal with him again. I was good. Really good. Even got through my sons wedding after reading and posting on there. I was able to deal with it then, because he was, or had to be on good behavior. I was even able to deal with the people who were still praising him, (my relatives)
What I couldn't deal with was being in touch with him again because of the divorce and his retirement. I think in a way I was hoping once again that he could just treat me like a human being. I mean we are divorced now, he is living with his gf from I don't even know when. And I truly don't care. It was that coldness, that aloofness, that arrogance, and blaming is what I was seeing again. It took me right back to when I was married to him. Truth be told though, after thinking about it for a long time, I don't want him to be nice to me, that would be harder to deal with then how he is being right now.
I need to email him again re: financial stuff, and life insurance, and I have just put this off since I stopped drinking. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. But I will need to do this soon.
Jarp, I wanted to respond to your thread that time when you found out that he was diagnosed with BPD, and going to rehab, and that you didn't feel much of anything. I understood. I really did. Guess in my mind I did, I was somewhat able to associate it with how I felt when I went to the BPD forum. I felt validated, I got closure to that part of my life then. I slept for about a day. My adrenaline level dropped, I was actually feeling calm, like I had permission to finally feel calm, my questions were answered. The person, (most likely Hammer) that told you to look at another forum, was not telling you you don't belong here. I think he just wanted you to just look at that forum to know what you are dealing with. I think you belong wherever you feel comfortable talking about things. I feel comfortable here. I think you do also.
I think sometimes I don't want to dwell on my drinking. I know when I "lose it", it's been my crutch. It's not a crutch, it was something that kept me in a situation that I didn't or couldn't even want to handle. I procrastinate a lot. I hibernate a lot. I read this thread in the morning, and I felt like I was exposing too much of myself, and I wanted to hibernate again. Just disappear. I can't do that anymore, thanks to all of you good people here.
No, BPD is not a self only illness. It affects the people around you. I developed PTSD from it. I'm not going to say that I developed my self medication from it. I have done that for a long time. Thing is, from being on this board, esp this forum, I developed different coping skills for many of the problems in my life. I no longer needed to "pick up". I no longer needed to isolate and hide from those problems. I was able to set boundaries, and my relationship with many have changed for the better.
Hammer, thank you for that website. I joined it many months ago, my name there is jynx. I haven't posted there in quite a while. You had posted it to someone else, but I looked at it, and what I saw there described my marriage. It had helped me to let go. It gave me validation and closure. Thing is, I didn't think I would really ever have to deal with him again. I was good. Really good. Even got through my sons wedding after reading and posting on there. I was able to deal with it then, because he was, or had to be on good behavior. I was even able to deal with the people who were still praising him, (my relatives)
What I couldn't deal with was being in touch with him again because of the divorce and his retirement. I think in a way I was hoping once again that he could just treat me like a human being. I mean we are divorced now, he is living with his gf from I don't even know when. And I truly don't care. It was that coldness, that aloofness, that arrogance, and blaming is what I was seeing again. It took me right back to when I was married to him. Truth be told though, after thinking about it for a long time, I don't want him to be nice to me, that would be harder to deal with then how he is being right now.
I need to email him again re: financial stuff, and life insurance, and I have just put this off since I stopped drinking. I don't want to talk to him or hear from him. But I will need to do this soon.
Jarp, I wanted to respond to your thread that time when you found out that he was diagnosed with BPD, and going to rehab, and that you didn't feel much of anything. I understood. I really did. Guess in my mind I did, I was somewhat able to associate it with how I felt when I went to the BPD forum. I felt validated, I got closure to that part of my life then. I slept for about a day. My adrenaline level dropped, I was actually feeling calm, like I had permission to finally feel calm, my questions were answered. The person, (most likely Hammer) that told you to look at another forum, was not telling you you don't belong here. I think he just wanted you to just look at that forum to know what you are dealing with. I think you belong wherever you feel comfortable talking about things. I feel comfortable here. I think you do also.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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Thanks Amy...no it wasn't Hammer....his posts have been a MASSIVE he to me. My eyes were glued to his BPD thread on SR for a good hour....it was huge for me. It really halted me realise that it wasn't ME and it wasn't even the alcohol...it's hard for me to describe what I mean.
I have spent hours readi g BPDFamily as well...but haven't posted bc I'm not sure where I fit...but reading is very helpful.
I have spent hours readi g BPDFamily as well...but haven't posted bc I'm not sure where I fit...but reading is very helpful.
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