Co-dependency as bad as addiction itself!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Co-dependency as bad as addiction itself!
My AS, heroin addict, is in his 3rd week of rehab, albeit where I work which poses challenges for this enabling mom. I've been doing better about letting go and letting him find his own way, but I still live as if I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out at any minute. last night it almost did, when he called me at home to ask me to come there and bring his phone so he could leave. I encouraged him to work through this and talk to a case manager/counselor about it. He's mad about the work therapy assignment he has and has legitimate concerns. However 'mommy' cannot solve this for him. I know deep down he has to learn to get through all kinds of emotions, frustrations, anger, etc. on his own, and hopefully without using to mask it. I did call and speak to a case manager to alert him to how my son was feeling and that he did want to talk to someone. Case manager said he'd take care of it and I did everything in my power not to call back and check on it. Now, the next day, I realize that I don't have to worry. If my son leaves I will hear from him.
What's most important it what I do to take care of me and prevent my enabling from crippling me, let alone him! I did give him $5 yesterday, as a kind of reward, even tho I've been told not to give him money! I've given him cigarettes, but not as often.
What's so stupid is that he doesn't even have to ask me! I can't believe how I behave. It's like a knee jerk reaction. It makes me realize how sick I am!
My other son lost his iphone because he got drunk and left it somewhere. What did I do? Loaned him my AS son's phone for a day so he could locate his iphone. Made the mistake of telling my AS in rehab, which really made him want to leave and go off! I'm so afraid of letting my adult children realize and experience the consequences of their actions it scares me! I guess I am definitely still at Step 1 and am realizing how unmanageable my life is as a result of my enabling. IT's even worse when you know better and somehow still feel compelled to do things for them.
It doesn't help that there was about a 5 year gap of my being with them when they were in the later years of their adolescence due to a host of things, many well beyond my control. ( No child support, illegal eviction, no help, father abducted them and wouldn't let them see me, my own homelessness for 5 years, etc...) Boy does the guilt I have about that time really work on me to make me do things for them I clearly may not have done if we weren't separated during those years. ( Yes, that's when my AS started using Heroin, so go figure how it tugs at my mommy heart strings.)
I'm just so amazed at myself and my behavior, even despite knowing better. Co dependency is a kind of addiction itself! It permeates so many areas of our lives and robs us from living and enjoying life!
Well, the iphone was found and I haven't hear from AS in rehab. Life goes on and they appear to be ok at this time. Just another lesson about how much I spin my wheels, lose sleep, act stupidly, worry and fret....oft for nothing. Just proves how powerless I truly am!
Just had to put this out there for myself and perhaps others who may feel similarly. I do go to meetings and read and work on things, but have a ways to go. One other good thing about coming here, besides being able to confess and reflect, is that when I look back over my threads it teaches me a lot about myself. I started in August 2010, about 4 months after my AS came to live with me after I had just gotten back on my feet with a job and apartment. . Well it's taken a little over 4 years to finally develop the courage to learn to say no and to not let him live with me, after near eviction and having to move out, and yet I still continue to give to him, knowing full well it could possibly jeopardize my job and his recovery. It's frightening how inisidious this disease is!
What's most important it what I do to take care of me and prevent my enabling from crippling me, let alone him! I did give him $5 yesterday, as a kind of reward, even tho I've been told not to give him money! I've given him cigarettes, but not as often.
What's so stupid is that he doesn't even have to ask me! I can't believe how I behave. It's like a knee jerk reaction. It makes me realize how sick I am!
My other son lost his iphone because he got drunk and left it somewhere. What did I do? Loaned him my AS son's phone for a day so he could locate his iphone. Made the mistake of telling my AS in rehab, which really made him want to leave and go off! I'm so afraid of letting my adult children realize and experience the consequences of their actions it scares me! I guess I am definitely still at Step 1 and am realizing how unmanageable my life is as a result of my enabling. IT's even worse when you know better and somehow still feel compelled to do things for them.
It doesn't help that there was about a 5 year gap of my being with them when they were in the later years of their adolescence due to a host of things, many well beyond my control. ( No child support, illegal eviction, no help, father abducted them and wouldn't let them see me, my own homelessness for 5 years, etc...) Boy does the guilt I have about that time really work on me to make me do things for them I clearly may not have done if we weren't separated during those years. ( Yes, that's when my AS started using Heroin, so go figure how it tugs at my mommy heart strings.)
I'm just so amazed at myself and my behavior, even despite knowing better. Co dependency is a kind of addiction itself! It permeates so many areas of our lives and robs us from living and enjoying life!
Well, the iphone was found and I haven't hear from AS in rehab. Life goes on and they appear to be ok at this time. Just another lesson about how much I spin my wheels, lose sleep, act stupidly, worry and fret....oft for nothing. Just proves how powerless I truly am!
Just had to put this out there for myself and perhaps others who may feel similarly. I do go to meetings and read and work on things, but have a ways to go. One other good thing about coming here, besides being able to confess and reflect, is that when I look back over my threads it teaches me a lot about myself. I started in August 2010, about 4 months after my AS came to live with me after I had just gotten back on my feet with a job and apartment. . Well it's taken a little over 4 years to finally develop the courage to learn to say no and to not let him live with me, after near eviction and having to move out, and yet I still continue to give to him, knowing full well it could possibly jeopardize my job and his recovery. It's frightening how inisidious this disease is!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Breaking the cycle is really hard! It sounds like your awareness will help you make progress, even if it feels slow.
I came to realize that some of the things I did that I thought were to help my daughters, were really more about relieving my own anxiety. This was true before addiction too...so often I gave in when I should have followed my instincts, simply to avoid the drama.
It wasn't until I could recognize that my behavior was an attempt to avoid conflict - something I never handled well, and also truly grasped that in terms of addiction, my actions were actually threatening my child's health and safety, that I was able to have the strength to change my behaviors. It takes lots of work - so glad you are committed to helping yourself!
I came to realize that some of the things I did that I thought were to help my daughters, were really more about relieving my own anxiety. This was true before addiction too...so often I gave in when I should have followed my instincts, simply to avoid the drama.
It wasn't until I could recognize that my behavior was an attempt to avoid conflict - something I never handled well, and also truly grasped that in terms of addiction, my actions were actually threatening my child's health and safety, that I was able to have the strength to change my behaviors. It takes lots of work - so glad you are committed to helping yourself!
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