To All Moms and Dads
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
To All Moms and Dads
Hello, Mothers and Fathers
I am the mother of a 37-year-old opiate addicted son with two small children. I beg of you mothers and fathers with young sons and daughters to get some help with your enabling behaviors before your children reach the age of my son. Everyone has helped him until he's helpless. Everything everyone has done for him has crippled him. He's a 37-year-old man with the emotions of a 17-year-old. It breaks my heart to even be around him. His wife and father are his biggest enablers presently. I've done my share too. Presently, he's in a situation where he needs somewhere to stay until he gets on his feet. I refused him to stay with me and my husband. I feared it would be a cycle as I've read so many of you have been a participant in. Right now he's in the emotional blackmail stage with me. He'll show up, disappear, reappear, try and engage me so he'll have amunition to take back to his dad to get money, then come back to me with information about his dad so I'll feel sorry for him, then back to his wife, me, his dad, etc., etc. He's a user and he drains everyone. He has nothing to give. Again, I beg of you parents with younger children to do something, anything; go to Al-Anon, open AA meetings, something. Don't just sit there. Nothing's going to change them. It's a progressive disease. When I started attending Al-Anon last year the words just kept going through my head, "I'm dancing as fast as I can." I find out I'm dancing to his disease. There wasn't enough money, time, prayers, talking to, reasoning with, any of that stuff that did one bit of good. He hasn't changed, but I have. I got a long ways to go, but I'm better.
I am the mother of a 37-year-old opiate addicted son with two small children. I beg of you mothers and fathers with young sons and daughters to get some help with your enabling behaviors before your children reach the age of my son. Everyone has helped him until he's helpless. Everything everyone has done for him has crippled him. He's a 37-year-old man with the emotions of a 17-year-old. It breaks my heart to even be around him. His wife and father are his biggest enablers presently. I've done my share too. Presently, he's in a situation where he needs somewhere to stay until he gets on his feet. I refused him to stay with me and my husband. I feared it would be a cycle as I've read so many of you have been a participant in. Right now he's in the emotional blackmail stage with me. He'll show up, disappear, reappear, try and engage me so he'll have amunition to take back to his dad to get money, then come back to me with information about his dad so I'll feel sorry for him, then back to his wife, me, his dad, etc., etc. He's a user and he drains everyone. He has nothing to give. Again, I beg of you parents with younger children to do something, anything; go to Al-Anon, open AA meetings, something. Don't just sit there. Nothing's going to change them. It's a progressive disease. When I started attending Al-Anon last year the words just kept going through my head, "I'm dancing as fast as I can." I find out I'm dancing to his disease. There wasn't enough money, time, prayers, talking to, reasoning with, any of that stuff that did one bit of good. He hasn't changed, but I have. I got a long ways to go, but I'm better.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. My XAH is a 39 year old baby. I enabled him, his family continue to enable him. When I divorced him he just went and found someone else to take care of him. I knew that would happen and am fine with that b/c he is mentally unable to be alone and fend for himself. What a miserable life that has to be.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I enabled my son for too many years, thinking that something I did would help him stop using drugs. I couldn't love him into sobriety, I couldn't nurture him into sobriety, I couldn't buy his sobriety, I couldn't nag, beg, bargain, threaten, or shame him into sobriety...and I almost killed myself trying.
Some things are just not ours to fix.
Today I begin my day asking God to take care of my son and do for him what he cannot...then I live my life well, embracing the beauty of each sunrise and find happiness and joy in each day, no matter what it brings.
The founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, once told me that I just might love my son right into the grave. Painful to hear but true. What he forgot to tell me is that I might die trying.
Enabling is disabling, for them and for us.
Hugs
Some things are just not ours to fix.
Today I begin my day asking God to take care of my son and do for him what he cannot...then I live my life well, embracing the beauty of each sunrise and find happiness and joy in each day, no matter what it brings.
The founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, once told me that I just might love my son right into the grave. Painful to hear but true. What he forgot to tell me is that I might die trying.
Enabling is disabling, for them and for us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
I too understand this principle - if you know any parents or spouses or significant others involved with an addict, Tell them about this website. It showed me in a matter of days how to change my life as I could not and would not EVER change another's for them! Thank you for this post!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Ok, I don't mean to hijack this thread but my son just started college. His partying has already involved two citations from the university. We have taken his car away from him. He still has very good grades and the university has him on probation. What should we be doing differently?? He has been truthful with us. I am scared out of my mind because we have alcoholism on both sides of the family. I feel like everyone deserves a second chance but I don't want to enable his self destruction.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you are paying for his university, I would tell him that one more infraction and your financial support will be withdrawn. If he has to go to work to put himself through, he will have less time to party and waste his time and your money.
An education is a privilege, not a right.
Beyond that, he's on his own now and will make his own decisions...however bad.
Just my thoughts and I am sorry this is happening in your life.
An education is a privilege, not a right.
Beyond that, he's on his own now and will make his own decisions...however bad.
Just my thoughts and I am sorry this is happening in your life.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thank you, Ann. That is exactly what we told him. SR World, I will take all the prayers that I can get. My next question is how do I move from my anxiety state. I have attended Alanon concerning my mother's alcoholism, but when it is your child, the anxiety is almost crippling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
DoubleDragons
My oldest son while in high school was on a committee called just say no to alcohol, or something to that effect. He was so against alcohol and drugs - until - he went on spring break to Florida with some friends. He was truthful when he came home and told me how sick he had gotten after drinking wine coolers and beer and that he would never, ever do that again. That lasted until he started college the next year. He joined a fraternity and, of course, there were keg parties, etc. He started off with good grades but his grades rapidly declined. He was attending an expensive private university. I told him if he couldn't keep up his grades that I wouldn't pay for another year. He dropped out. My son is funny and he's intelligent. When he drinks the alcohol tells him he's funnier, smarter, and has all the answers, when in truth, alcohol is making choices for him. I've been taught that when alcohol is interferring with any area of a person's life, whether it's school, job, personal relations, finances, etc., that alcohol has begun to play an important role in your life, and if drinking continues the person can cross that line and will eventually drink alcoholically. My son is 41 and continues to drink. He knows he drinks too much. He's a wonderful son, a very good person, giving, loving, respectful, and even responsible in the major areas of his life, but he can't imagine life without beer. I don't say anything to him anymore. I don't nag, scold, or lecture. In the past I would warn him and do all the things all of us parents do that we think will change their thinking, but I've learned it only causes me more anxiety because after the "lecture", I have an emotional investment in the outcome. It's not as if he doesn't know what he's doing. He most certainly does. He continues to make choices based on "now." He may do that for the rest of his life, I don't know. My own personal opinion is he did not party in college because his uncle or my aunts were alcoholic. He partied because it was fun. He drinks now because it changes the way he feels. If today my son is at my house with his daughter and is drinking and I feel he is impaired, I will not let him drive with her in the car, or I wouldn't let him run a chainsaw at my house while drinking, but other than his or our safety on my property or the safety of my granddaughter while on my property, there's nothing I can do or say that's going to make a difference. My son's dad is an alcoholic, and, yes, I believe alcoholism is a family disease. My responsibility is to find out what role I'm playing and get off the merry-go-round. I go to AlAnon, pray, and stay out of the way the best I know how today.
My oldest son while in high school was on a committee called just say no to alcohol, or something to that effect. He was so against alcohol and drugs - until - he went on spring break to Florida with some friends. He was truthful when he came home and told me how sick he had gotten after drinking wine coolers and beer and that he would never, ever do that again. That lasted until he started college the next year. He joined a fraternity and, of course, there were keg parties, etc. He started off with good grades but his grades rapidly declined. He was attending an expensive private university. I told him if he couldn't keep up his grades that I wouldn't pay for another year. He dropped out. My son is funny and he's intelligent. When he drinks the alcohol tells him he's funnier, smarter, and has all the answers, when in truth, alcohol is making choices for him. I've been taught that when alcohol is interferring with any area of a person's life, whether it's school, job, personal relations, finances, etc., that alcohol has begun to play an important role in your life, and if drinking continues the person can cross that line and will eventually drink alcoholically. My son is 41 and continues to drink. He knows he drinks too much. He's a wonderful son, a very good person, giving, loving, respectful, and even responsible in the major areas of his life, but he can't imagine life without beer. I don't say anything to him anymore. I don't nag, scold, or lecture. In the past I would warn him and do all the things all of us parents do that we think will change their thinking, but I've learned it only causes me more anxiety because after the "lecture", I have an emotional investment in the outcome. It's not as if he doesn't know what he's doing. He most certainly does. He continues to make choices based on "now." He may do that for the rest of his life, I don't know. My own personal opinion is he did not party in college because his uncle or my aunts were alcoholic. He partied because it was fun. He drinks now because it changes the way he feels. If today my son is at my house with his daughter and is drinking and I feel he is impaired, I will not let him drive with her in the car, or I wouldn't let him run a chainsaw at my house while drinking, but other than his or our safety on my property or the safety of my granddaughter while on my property, there's nothing I can do or say that's going to make a difference. My son's dad is an alcoholic, and, yes, I believe alcoholism is a family disease. My responsibility is to find out what role I'm playing and get off the merry-go-round. I go to AlAnon, pray, and stay out of the way the best I know how today.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Djlook, you helped me so much. When you mentioned having an emotional investment in the outcome after the "lecture" that rang so true to me. I wish you didn't have your situation with your son, but I can't thank you enough for your insight.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Your post helped me, because I have an almost 22 year old son, who has been a heroin addict and alcoholic. I have been going thru this for 2 years now. As of today, he has a warrant out for not showing up for court. He is now missing 3 days. He has been in a sober house after completing his 3rd residential rehab, year to date. they haven't heard from him. He has overdosed 4 x. I cannot imagine going thru this hell another year, let alone an extra 15 years. I am already paralyzed w/fear today, it's a beautiful fall day, and I am in pj's and haven't left the house. I know in my heart, that this won't end well. I turned off his phone, and usually he calls to have it restored, he has not called me. I know I cannot live this way. We need all the help we can get. I am sorry for your pain, especially when other children are involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Enabler1
I can identify with your feelings of paralyzing fear. I have experienced that. I still have fear off and on through the day, but not every day now to where it consumes my every thought.
As I'm sure you've learned already, alcoholism is a disease of obsession and compulsion. Just as the addict/alcoholic gets the thought of a drink or a drug, they get that euphoric recall and they have no choice but to get the drug/alcohol at whatever cost to themselves and others until they get in recovery and start learning about their disease.
When we are not in recovery, the same thing happens to us. The tensioin builds and the anxiety becomes unbearable. We pick up the phone and start checking on their whereabouts, hospitals, jails, or other institutions. As soon as we "find out," the relief comes, and as sad as it may seem, it doesn't make any difference whether the information's good or bad, our anxiety is relieved.
That's why I go through withdrawals when I have any contact with my son. In fact, I experienced withdrawals today when I met my son and his wife to drop off the grandkids. My first thought was, "I know he needs money for gas and I'll just give him $20 or so, but I didn't. That's growth for me. It's also an opportunity for him to solve his own problems.
My son was also in jail one time, overdosed, was in drug court, detox, a treatment center, and went AWOL from the Army.
When it really struck me that I couldn't get him sober or I couldn't get him drunk is when I had no contact with him whatsoever for a whole year. Something, I don't know what it was, transpired in his life to where he got off drugs and got a job. He had to hit his own bottom, whatever that was for him. I haven't asked him and I don't want to know. It's none of my business.
The only actions I've been taking this past year is going to AlAnon meetings, getting phone numbers of a couple of ladies in recovery in AlAnon, letting them help me, and praying. It's tough, almost more than I can do some days, but something had to change. He wasn't going to. I'm still uncomfortable not solving his problems because I'm the one doing something different.
I will pray for you and your son. Try to get some rest, eat something, maybe take a bath, or force yourself to get out and walk for a few minutes. They have a saying at the end of the AlAnon meetings "Let it begin with me." I know of many, many cases where the spouse or mother started going to AlAnon and taking care of themselves and the addict/alcoholic followed suit. Maybe it can happen for us.
I can identify with your feelings of paralyzing fear. I have experienced that. I still have fear off and on through the day, but not every day now to where it consumes my every thought.
As I'm sure you've learned already, alcoholism is a disease of obsession and compulsion. Just as the addict/alcoholic gets the thought of a drink or a drug, they get that euphoric recall and they have no choice but to get the drug/alcohol at whatever cost to themselves and others until they get in recovery and start learning about their disease.
When we are not in recovery, the same thing happens to us. The tensioin builds and the anxiety becomes unbearable. We pick up the phone and start checking on their whereabouts, hospitals, jails, or other institutions. As soon as we "find out," the relief comes, and as sad as it may seem, it doesn't make any difference whether the information's good or bad, our anxiety is relieved.
That's why I go through withdrawals when I have any contact with my son. In fact, I experienced withdrawals today when I met my son and his wife to drop off the grandkids. My first thought was, "I know he needs money for gas and I'll just give him $20 or so, but I didn't. That's growth for me. It's also an opportunity for him to solve his own problems.
My son was also in jail one time, overdosed, was in drug court, detox, a treatment center, and went AWOL from the Army.
When it really struck me that I couldn't get him sober or I couldn't get him drunk is when I had no contact with him whatsoever for a whole year. Something, I don't know what it was, transpired in his life to where he got off drugs and got a job. He had to hit his own bottom, whatever that was for him. I haven't asked him and I don't want to know. It's none of my business.
The only actions I've been taking this past year is going to AlAnon meetings, getting phone numbers of a couple of ladies in recovery in AlAnon, letting them help me, and praying. It's tough, almost more than I can do some days, but something had to change. He wasn't going to. I'm still uncomfortable not solving his problems because I'm the one doing something different.
I will pray for you and your son. Try to get some rest, eat something, maybe take a bath, or force yourself to get out and walk for a few minutes. They have a saying at the end of the AlAnon meetings "Let it begin with me." I know of many, many cases where the spouse or mother started going to AlAnon and taking care of themselves and the addict/alcoholic followed suit. Maybe it can happen for us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I don't know how you parents do it. I cannot imagine it. I attend Nar Anon and most of the people in my home group are parents. Their children range in age from late teens to late 40s. I cannot recommend Nar Anon and Al Anon enough for parents. Some of the people in my home group have been working the program for a long time and they have mastered boundaries and detachment. And they are at peace, they really are. I pray for all families struggling with addiction. Please don't let the addict bring you down too!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I can relate to the 37 year old with emotions of a 17 year old. Anything I've heard or read says that maturity stops at the age of heavy drinking or drug use. Mid teens is where the problem started here. It's frustrating because the first reaction is that they'll grow out of it, it's just phase, a good job or wife will straighten them out but not so. The addict or alkie must personally decide to change. Setting enabling aside which it took time and a lot of money it's still up to the addict. I'm always puzzled on how kids are not the ultimate incentive for these people.
I saw the addict here start partying late high school through college with a core group of friends which actually moved on/forward after college. He did not. He found a new set of friends and party mates. When they moved on he found yet another set of party buddies at his job and gym. And yet again he is on another set of new party friends. The scary part now for him and his newer party friends is that he is now the oldest. He gets undeserved power simply because of his age. I guess I should be glad younger kids still respect elders.
But this is bad because he is not young anymore being a middle aged man with gray hair trying to keep up. And he could lead the young or naïve astray. He also has abused relationships with women especially using them for a car, bed, tv, cable, computer,money etc. His gym time/peds allows him to fit into younger or "pretty" crowd. I did notice through his own admission that some of his recent friends are on to him. Some told him not to talk money with their friends & family because he is always angling for opportunity.
Good Luck with the two children.
Peace
I saw the addict here start partying late high school through college with a core group of friends which actually moved on/forward after college. He did not. He found a new set of friends and party mates. When they moved on he found yet another set of party buddies at his job and gym. And yet again he is on another set of new party friends. The scary part now for him and his newer party friends is that he is now the oldest. He gets undeserved power simply because of his age. I guess I should be glad younger kids still respect elders.
But this is bad because he is not young anymore being a middle aged man with gray hair trying to keep up. And he could lead the young or naïve astray. He also has abused relationships with women especially using them for a car, bed, tv, cable, computer,money etc. His gym time/peds allows him to fit into younger or "pretty" crowd. I did notice through his own admission that some of his recent friends are on to him. Some told him not to talk money with their friends & family because he is always angling for opportunity.
Good Luck with the two children.
Peace
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: In Gods Love♥
Posts: 44
Everyone who post here - THANK YOU! Trying to deal with my nephew and his heroin addiction is.....well you understand! He has parents but his mother - well - he may have lived with them but I raised him and his 2 brothers. The way they say they hate you but love you, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I have no where to go... What are you to do?! You want to help them, hold them, cry with them but all what they want from you is your money. My nephew has put my sister and myself on such a roller coster ride that anytime the phone rings at night my stomach tightens up and I feel like I want to throw up. I have to borrow djlook "I still have fear off and on through the day, but not every day now to where it consumes my every thought"
Ann - I must also borrow your thoughts...."Today I begin my day asking God to take care of my son (nephew in my case0 and do for him what he cannot...then I live my life well, embracing the beauty of each sunrise and find happiness and joy in each day, no matter what it brings."
Ann - your thoughts and writings are so helpful!!!! THANK YOU!!
It's like what everybody says - you feel like your are walking on egg shells. All the wonderful people here on SR are so helpful! I cannot say thank you enough for the words of encouragement and helpfulness!
God Bless you all!
Ann - I must also borrow your thoughts...."Today I begin my day asking God to take care of my son (nephew in my case0 and do for him what he cannot...then I live my life well, embracing the beauty of each sunrise and find happiness and joy in each day, no matter what it brings."
Ann - your thoughts and writings are so helpful!!!! THANK YOU!!
It's like what everybody says - you feel like your are walking on egg shells. All the wonderful people here on SR are so helpful! I cannot say thank you enough for the words of encouragement and helpfulness!
God Bless you all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thanks for this thread...it is very 'meaty' and I have been reading it over the last few days.
I am working my recovery...and am grateful for those who can express things that I somehow feel that I don't express well enough...right now my therapist told me (as of last week) that I am full to overflowing with survivor's guilt which is a first...in my years of recovery I have worked on the shame...and had...over the first 12 years a lot of a hahs...and it was good.
Feelings of being paralyzed with fear are the worst they have been...trying not to overthink anything because it doesn't help...and in reading some of the things posted here I realize that I am not alone...that the isolation started when my 2nd daughter was on crystal meth and I was arranging for all the rehab possible...ultimately she left and then came back and then 'took my apartment that I was sharing with her 1/2 and 1/2' as I went to Chile to be with her father after our business went down and we lost our home to foreclosure.
She tells me that I am accountable for the 'situation' and I know that...but I was the over responsible oldest daughter...no one in the family has been interested in recovery...and I finally set some boundaries with her from June through July...she has blamed me since I had her in rehab at 16 through 18--she spent her high school years in rehab.
We had her living in our house from 19 (when she had my twin grandbabies and moved home and left the guy she had met in rehab who was the father (she moved in with him at 18) and I detached...just helping out with the kids, working, and 'hoping' we wouldn't go down financially...but still planning to go to Chile (husband is from there and believed it would help us...it did--food is cheaper and we lived on a construction site...and lost the remainder of our money).
I am clinging to my recovery...I have a mind that always questions...are online meetings OK or do they have to be f2f...when I get suggestions...I try to do all and get overwhelmed...so right now...am just allowing myself to be where I am...and to read my naranon book daily and a hazeldon daily item...and to take the meds that I started yesterday and to ask my HP to show me what has to be done today...and in what order. Sometimes I write down the things but am having trouble doing lists which I have always been excellent around...so know that my HP is here and handling what I cannot.
Detached from my 2nd daughter who is nice when she needs something from me...babysitting granddaughters and not nice when she is fine...whether narcissistic or not...my mother and sister were like that and they cut me off so easily at age 45 after I spent the previous 11 years working on dealing with child death, holding my immediate family together through therapy (mostly for me...but some for them too--it just morphed when the drug use started--and I continued) and helping my mom with my dad's massive stroke (the same year my son was born and passed from sids).
I have done thorough work, but this time...I have gone really down...and this second daughter is still an issue for me...she got mad (at me) when we went to Chile, continues to be completely seemingly clueless about our losing everything and just tells me it is my job to take care of everything and I cannot. She recently found a new boyfriend (I am detached...and now that I realize that she responds poorly to be told I love her and has no gratitude or appreciation ... it has been 10 years since the girls were born...she continues very negative towards me...therapist said that she is projecting her own lack of accountability on me...there has been all kinds of enabling but I have also worked to take accountability--as hard as Chile was...it got us out of the apartment that we offered to share with her...she wouldn't allow me back when I needed to come back...and I just let her go...I couldn't anguish anymore...and have been working on that.
The 3rd daughter just went no contact...found her but cannot handle anymore. There was a moment of truth where I realized that...and although I tried to hang on to the job...I needed to set good boundaries with my boss (they were short on money and weren't responding to certain requests timely) and I also made the mistake of telling him about my daughter...he was what I call an energy vampire and probably being let go was a good thing...but the toll of looking for another job and having the 'story' to tell about all of this that is honest and truthful (and still gets me a job) is going to be tough.
Thanks for listening...I am getting more comfortable being here...and just know that I resonate with each of you and am so grateful for those who are able to say it like it is...I truly believe that the caretakers (enablers sometimes; not always) can go down long before the addict.
I am working my recovery...and am grateful for those who can express things that I somehow feel that I don't express well enough...right now my therapist told me (as of last week) that I am full to overflowing with survivor's guilt which is a first...in my years of recovery I have worked on the shame...and had...over the first 12 years a lot of a hahs...and it was good.
Feelings of being paralyzed with fear are the worst they have been...trying not to overthink anything because it doesn't help...and in reading some of the things posted here I realize that I am not alone...that the isolation started when my 2nd daughter was on crystal meth and I was arranging for all the rehab possible...ultimately she left and then came back and then 'took my apartment that I was sharing with her 1/2 and 1/2' as I went to Chile to be with her father after our business went down and we lost our home to foreclosure.
She tells me that I am accountable for the 'situation' and I know that...but I was the over responsible oldest daughter...no one in the family has been interested in recovery...and I finally set some boundaries with her from June through July...she has blamed me since I had her in rehab at 16 through 18--she spent her high school years in rehab.
We had her living in our house from 19 (when she had my twin grandbabies and moved home and left the guy she had met in rehab who was the father (she moved in with him at 18) and I detached...just helping out with the kids, working, and 'hoping' we wouldn't go down financially...but still planning to go to Chile (husband is from there and believed it would help us...it did--food is cheaper and we lived on a construction site...and lost the remainder of our money).
I am clinging to my recovery...I have a mind that always questions...are online meetings OK or do they have to be f2f...when I get suggestions...I try to do all and get overwhelmed...so right now...am just allowing myself to be where I am...and to read my naranon book daily and a hazeldon daily item...and to take the meds that I started yesterday and to ask my HP to show me what has to be done today...and in what order. Sometimes I write down the things but am having trouble doing lists which I have always been excellent around...so know that my HP is here and handling what I cannot.
Detached from my 2nd daughter who is nice when she needs something from me...babysitting granddaughters and not nice when she is fine...whether narcissistic or not...my mother and sister were like that and they cut me off so easily at age 45 after I spent the previous 11 years working on dealing with child death, holding my immediate family together through therapy (mostly for me...but some for them too--it just morphed when the drug use started--and I continued) and helping my mom with my dad's massive stroke (the same year my son was born and passed from sids).
I have done thorough work, but this time...I have gone really down...and this second daughter is still an issue for me...she got mad (at me) when we went to Chile, continues to be completely seemingly clueless about our losing everything and just tells me it is my job to take care of everything and I cannot. She recently found a new boyfriend (I am detached...and now that I realize that she responds poorly to be told I love her and has no gratitude or appreciation ... it has been 10 years since the girls were born...she continues very negative towards me...therapist said that she is projecting her own lack of accountability on me...there has been all kinds of enabling but I have also worked to take accountability--as hard as Chile was...it got us out of the apartment that we offered to share with her...she wouldn't allow me back when I needed to come back...and I just let her go...I couldn't anguish anymore...and have been working on that.
The 3rd daughter just went no contact...found her but cannot handle anymore. There was a moment of truth where I realized that...and although I tried to hang on to the job...I needed to set good boundaries with my boss (they were short on money and weren't responding to certain requests timely) and I also made the mistake of telling him about my daughter...he was what I call an energy vampire and probably being let go was a good thing...but the toll of looking for another job and having the 'story' to tell about all of this that is honest and truthful (and still gets me a job) is going to be tough.
Thanks for listening...I am getting more comfortable being here...and just know that I resonate with each of you and am so grateful for those who are able to say it like it is...I truly believe that the caretakers (enablers sometimes; not always) can go down long before the addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
cazzap06--thank you...it is helpful...i have painfully (& over the long term) learned that sharing doesn't work...they seem puzzled or shut down or whatever...in any case...not helpful.
Glad you had a lovely sort out today--I, too, was able to organize some of the paper 'projects' that were overwhelming me and get them into folders...and that is a good step for me...also started writing down some things in a notebook rather than blank sheets of paper...which means part of my sanity is coming back...then took a lovely drive to see a friend in the city (San Francisco) who knows what I go through and is not judgmental and it was so good...she has a consignment shop and it felt lovely to feel all the beautiful fabrics and see the beautiful designs without having to buy anything...so it was a good afternoon and then drove home by the ocean way (lots of ocean along the CA coast) and was just peaceful and felt accepted.
I have posted my situation and there are lots and lots of issues...but just for today...it was lovely and I got out of the apartment where I have been isolating too much...and tomorrow is my naranon group...and I had a wonderful naranon reading today and I felt so grateful for so many things today.
Tired...but ok--tonight my grandson comes over and that is also good...my daughter works nights...and just recently asked me for last night and tonight...and I find myself grateful that she is respecting my boundaries...when I was working I was too crazy busy to do it...but now...I can. She was my first addict...and it is a pleasure to see her growing up and maturing...
So good to not be compulsively worried and anxious about everything today...a blessing.
Glad you had a lovely sort out today--I, too, was able to organize some of the paper 'projects' that were overwhelming me and get them into folders...and that is a good step for me...also started writing down some things in a notebook rather than blank sheets of paper...which means part of my sanity is coming back...then took a lovely drive to see a friend in the city (San Francisco) who knows what I go through and is not judgmental and it was so good...she has a consignment shop and it felt lovely to feel all the beautiful fabrics and see the beautiful designs without having to buy anything...so it was a good afternoon and then drove home by the ocean way (lots of ocean along the CA coast) and was just peaceful and felt accepted.
I have posted my situation and there are lots and lots of issues...but just for today...it was lovely and I got out of the apartment where I have been isolating too much...and tomorrow is my naranon group...and I had a wonderful naranon reading today and I felt so grateful for so many things today.
Tired...but ok--tonight my grandson comes over and that is also good...my daughter works nights...and just recently asked me for last night and tonight...and I find myself grateful that she is respecting my boundaries...when I was working I was too crazy busy to do it...but now...I can. She was my first addict...and it is a pleasure to see her growing up and maturing...
So good to not be compulsively worried and anxious about everything today...a blessing.
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