jadealexander

Most things I read on here is about relationships that just aren't happy. And I can relate but not with my current boyfriend. I've dated guys who were emotionally abusive in the past. But my current boyfriend is anything but that. He is a heroin addict currently in treatment, but he never was emotionally abusive. However bc of his addiction he did things that hurt me. But I never doubted his love for me until I thought of past relationships or read stories on here. I'm happy to say yes my boyfriend is a heroin addict but he has always made me feel loved. I read stories on here questioning if it will work out or if they really love me...And I just wanted to say. Take the addiction element out of the relationship how do they treat you? Just bc a person is in active addiction does not mean they are less human. One should not accept abuse or cheating or stealing. You wouldn't accept it if your loved one wasn't an addict so why accept it or question their love if they are an addict? If they treat you this way they do not love u! *this is for those in relationships..not family members or spouses. Family is a whole another sitution in my opinion. Also this is my opinion nothing else

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm not really sure what it means to be "happy" to report your boyfriend is a Heroin addict???

You are correct, the active addict, by biological form is still a human. However, I'm concerned that you wouldn't accept abuse, cheating or stealing but can be able to accept active addiction because he doesn't act like a typical addict towards you? I'm confused. Heroin is an illegal substance. Him buying/using it alone is illegal and he is committing a crime. He is breaking the law and because it isn't directly affecting you, you are ok with that?

It's not that we don't question their love while in active addiction. It's that they are incapable of love while in active addiction. Their love is their drug.

jadealexander

I meant that I'm happy even tho he's an addict..not that I'm happy he is an addict. Maybe I didn't write this all correctly. What I was trying to say was that I think a partner who is abusive or cheats would most likely not be forgiven if they weren't an addict. But a lot of posts on here have been trying to make it seem as tho abuse and cheating comes with the addiction which is not the case it comes with the person. I do not accept active addiction. My boyfriend and I broke up while he was using but ONLY bc he was using. He currently is in recovery so we are working on our relationship. Sorry I was rushing with what I wrote the first time sorry I wrote misleading statements.

Mechuen

He's not abusive -- yet. His addiction hasn't made a total mess of your life, your dreams -- yet. We're all at different stages of this. Your guy may take his recovery seriously and overcome this, but he may not. Just remember that if he doesn't, it gets worse.

Calmwater

I think that's what it comes down too, really. It's so hard, and if he doesn't get better, it does get worse. My AH was the kindest, sweetest guy, and he adored me. People looked up to him and he was doing very well in life. We had our own business, a nice home, and a wonderful family. He does love us, but he needs the drugs more. It is a progressive illness, and it's something he will always have to fight. My AH was clean for over ten years before it came back. I just shake my head sometimes, how did we end up here?

I hope your BF can beat this, but it will always be there. There is a really good essay by Russel Brant about heroin addiction. That's not what my AH had a problem with, but it really made it clear how very hard of a fight addiction is. I'll try to find the link and post it for you.

Not all addicts are bad people. Addiction really does make you do bad things. You steal to feed it, you lie to cover up for it, and somewhere down that line, it becomes what matters over everything else. My AH was getting awards, and newspaper articles written about him and his innovative business a couple years ago. Now he has been charged with felony theft, he's gone through several jobs, he's lost pretty much everything that matters, yet he still won't get help. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love dissapearing into addiction, and I hope you never have to go through it.

Being with someone who lies to you, and makes you doubt your own perceptions is so damaging. Even if they aren't trying to hurt you. Addiction changes their brain chemistry to the point that they are not making rational choices. I'm not trying to make excuses, people
do beat it, and I get so frustrated that my AH won't just admit the problem and get the help he needs. But I watched it happen, as did many of us, and it's so hard because, to us, it makes no sense.

Best of luck to you and your BF, I really hope he makes it and everything works out for you guys. People do beat it, and I don't mean to drag you down, I just want you to know what you're fighting. It won't be easy, or simple, and only you can know if it's worth it. I wouldn't change the years I had with my husband, he was my best friend, and I miss him. Just take care of you, ok?

Calmwater

Ok, Russell Brand, sorry! Here is the link
Russell Brand on heroin, abstinence and addiction » The Spectator
Hope that works... If not you can look up Russell Brand on heroin, abstinence and addiction.

allforcnm

My situation is different because I was married to my husband and his addiction didn't start until he suffered an injury and had multiple surgeries, etc. We had a very good relationship before the addiction happened.

I think for me its helpful to realize addiction affects the chemistry of the brain. This is why its called a disease.. when my husband was addicted he made bad choices, did things that did hurt me even though it was not his intent. He even cheated... Many of the symptoms of addiction we see as family and friends -they are the same for all of us because addiction lowers inhibitions, confuses the lines of right and wrong, etc. My husband off drugs would never have cheated, or done many of the things he did while using. In any case.. he did go into rehab, used therapy after that and has been healthy now for about 2.5 years.

I think what you say is very true.. I don't even use the term addict to be honest. I say my husband who had an addiction, My husband recovered from an addiction, etc. I think we do lose the person when we only discuss their addiction. we dehumanize... and it perpetuates the stigma of addiction. There are good people with high morals and values who become addicted.. and there are people who have other mental illness who become addicted; from what I read this % is very high, and there are people who are bad with no concern for others, who would steal and cheat when sober, as well as when high... Its important for each of us at some point to see our loved one for who they are.

Your BF sounds like a good guy.. and I wish him well in his recovery. Hes lucky to have a GF like you.

jadealexander

I appreciate everyone's responses. I am very grateful that as of now I still have positive things to say. That's why I didn't really want to address this to spouses. I guess what I was trying to state was that I've been with my boyfriend for a year, if he had cheated or abused me I would've left just as if he wasn't an addict.

ItsNowOrNever32

Hi jade really glad you seem to be coping well with your partners addiction. mine is also a loving person who tells me every day he loves me, needs me and stays really positive about the future.. thing is that only lasts while he's got money to score. We've had some fantastic holidays and time together but for me I find it so hard to commit to him while he's actively using,.. I started school with him at 5 years old and he was my childhood sweetheart until we were 16.. we went our separate ways and I got married. my partner and I got back together again 2.5 years ago.. He makes me laugh and he has his own house that he wants me to share with him but until I'm 110% sure he's on the mend that won't be happening.. When addicts use they have a secretive double life and I can't help thinking you haven't seen him at his worst yet (I hope he really gets help and wins this terrible disease!) I've seen my partner at his worst and believe me it's not good.. every addict is different but when it gets a hold of them the hurt is all the same .. Good Luck

jadealexander

I unfortunately have seen him at his worst. And I do not accept his active using tho I do accept his addiction as a disease. I know it's going to be a rough road ahead. And I can't say I'm prepared but I'm willing to be involved with him today. Can't say how I will feel tomorrow or years from now. But right now I'm happy with being in a relationship with him.

zoso77

What was he like before heroin?

jadealexander

I don't know. When I met him he was using. I've only known him a year. So yes I'm only basing this on a year of knowing him in active use. We may realize while he is clean we are better off as friends. From people who knew him before heroin (himself included) he was the sweetest most caring person ever. Before he started opiates a few years ago he didn't really use any drugs.

zoso77

Jade, what you are saying is you don't know him at all. The real him that is. All you know is what he is like under the influence. The core of who and what he is unknown to you and will continue to be so long as he's using.

Sikofit

That was a great article by Russell Brand--who knew he was such a good writer??

jadealexander

I loved it too! He is very artistic in all aspects.

BlueChair

Nothing wrong with this. Just keep tabs on your happiness is all I would suggest. My husband had drug issues in college before we met, then not again until last year. He relapsed and it was very bad, but we've got through it, and hes much better now. If you think of it as a disease like you said, and like I do too then you just learn how to treat it, how to manage it. I dont believe addiction defines who a person is or anything like this. If he's used drugs all his life then he may have bad coping skills, and have to make a lot of changes to have a healthy life but otherwise I dont know my husband is still the same. When he was in active addiction he was mostly reckless, overcome with lots of negative emotions inside himself, but it didnt change who he was, the addiction only masked his true self and made him act different. Does that make sense ?

jadealexander

Yes bluechair that makes so much sense. I would always tell him that I liked him at certain times and he would reassure me that's who he is off the drugs. The heroin made him almost like in a cloud. I'm in school and working and have a great family. I'm fulfilling my life without him. He's just an extra bonus

zoso77

If you're happy, then that's all that counts.

bellanoviella

I've always loved that article. The last sentence, in particular.