choublak

I have a neighbor who is a 40 year old blonde who likes to drink and is a little whacky. And when I say drink...I mean constantly. Fell flat on her face coming over to say hi on Memorial Day this year drunk.....Anyway, her "boyfriend" is a lawyer in the county and definitely older than her...she popped in to say hi earlier and mentions he is 65!!!! I think she had half a load on and proceeds to tell me not only is he married, he pays her rent....can you say Sugar Daddy? Meanwhile, he just stopped by to see her so they can watch the game and bang I guess ...and for more times than I can remember....he is yelling at her...at the TOP of his lungs...like I can hear every word in my living room....she must be a handful and her alcoholism probably doesn't help her ...at all....lovely. I just keep waaaaayyy out of it.

choublak

But she is out of control...I mean like drinks all the time so it's no wonder he explodes the way he does. I could NEVER yell at anyone much less someone I loved like that. I kinda feel bad for her but she definitely got herself into this situation and maybe that's the price you pay for having that kind of arrangement? I don't know. I just know treating someone like that seems really mean....but boy is she a lush.

choublak

It's the epitome of dysfunctional relationships. And he's a nice guy too, I've talked to him and in GREAT shape for 65....I never would've guessed it but SO mean to her. I just can't conceive of that treatment. He was there like 5 minutes before they started...wtf? Couldn't even catch the gist of the fight either. Probably over nothing important at all.....or her behavior...very likely...

stella27

It sounds really scary to me. Everything about it triggers me. I'm sorry you have to live so close.

Thumper

He is not a nice guy.

He's a cheat.
He's abusive.
He's a user.

choublak

She's sometimes all over me like will run in front of my car to stop me to tell me her drama....I cant get out of here without passing her front door.

LexieCat

She might be trapped. It might be a trap partially of her own making, but alcoholism is a trap unto itself, and some men like women who are a mess because they become so dependent, and thus easier to control.

If he's married and has money then no reason to feel too sorry for Mister Nice Guy. He can walk out of the drama any time he wants to. And no reason for him to scream at her, either.

I'm sorry you have to live so close to all this, too. One thing, though, if you hear any sounds of physical violence, call the cops on Mister Nice Guy. Don't hesitate. Might save a life.

choublak

Awhile back, I gave her my number in case of emergencies...but now she calls me whenever she wants to dump on me...like if my car is here...I'm some kind of shrink.

choublak

Giving guidance and an ear is something I love to do and always have...alcoholism and taking MORE than advantage of my niceness...and proximity...is unacceptable behavior...I have my limits...she doesn't get that...

Brindie

Chou - similar situations have happened to me, offered a sympathetic ear, support, I like to think I'm a caring person. Some people take advantage. And it's hard to set boundaries when you're already in someone else's crazy. I guess that this is what my STBERAH homed in on. A caretaker with empathy and endless patience! That's what I was, anyway. A totally, enabling caretaker with my focus always on him. He would demand attention - pretty much like this lady in front of your car! 'You're going somewhere? No, what about me?!!!!!!' I guess some boundary-setting and detachment practice is called for here to protect your privacy and stop her taking advantage of you, huh? A very friend of mine who is a church minister used to call it 'tough love' - telling it like it is, with love in your heart. I have often fallen back on this.

choublak

I just...don't want to be mean...

LexieCat

I think sometimes we confuse someone else's reaction with what we are actually doing.

You know how we say, "Feelings aren't facts"? The same goes for other people's feelings. Just because someone else THINKS we are "mean" doesn't mean that we are. "Mean" would be saying, "Eff you, I don't care about your problems." Setting a boundary could be saying something like, "I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation, but I'm not in a position to help you with it."

I got a call last week on my work line. We provide assistance to people in law enforcement but not direct services to victims. That isn't our role, and the best we can do when someone calls with a problem is to refer them to another service that can help them. This woman last week starts talking about her landlord, how he is stalking her, breaking in, etc., and the police won't do anything. I explained that I couldn't help her, and suggested calling the DA's office if she felt the police weren't responding correctly. She said she'd done that and the DA is friends with her landlord. I suggested contacting the Attorney General's Office (by this time she was confirming, in my mind, that there was a good reason the police had concluded there was nothing that could be done). She claimed THEY were against her, too. I politely said I had nothing more I could suggest and wished her luck. I wasn't mean (though she undoubtedly concluded I was just another heartless person unwilling to help her), but there was literally nothing I could do for her.

You can't fix this lady's life for her. It won't do her any good for you to get sucked into the drama. And "I'm sorry but I really can't help you" is not being mean, it's just enforcing a boundary. Maybe it will force her to take some action that really WILL help her.

Eauchiche

Sorry, Chou, but in my current stage of recovery I would avoid both of them like the plague.
If I want drama like that, I'll go to the moviehouse and eat popcorn.

WMJ1012

Choublak

Neighbor & her relationships are none of your concern.
Instead of focusing on others & judging them & trying to figure out their lives, I keep my eyes on my own paper, because there's surely something I'm not doing in my own life...like the 12 Steps.