ItsJustMe89

My ex boyfriend and I were in a "friends with benefits" relationship for the past few months. He is in AA and has been sober for almost 5 years now. I have been a nightly drinker/occasional pot smoker the whole time I have known him (3 years). He was always ok with that, it didn't bother him. I think he knew I drink more then I should but he didn't think I needed to quit and become a sober person.

About a month ago, he came over and we went out to dinner, came back to my house, watched a movie, and he spent the night. It was 1 week after his mom died of cancer. When we were laying in bed talking I told him that I had been going to a substance abuse therapist and that she wants me to go to IOP. We talked about my drinking and how I know I shouldn't drink so much but I don't think im an alcoholic either. He said that IOP is just going to send me to AA anyway so I mind as well save my money and go right to AA.

After that night, he has texted me a few times but not regularly like he used to. I am not sure why he sort of stopped our friend with benifts relationship.

Do you think it is because I talked to him about thinking about quitting? I know AA tells people not to get into relationships with newcomers so I wonder if that is the reason he doesn't talk to me anymore. Like even tho I hadn't made a choice about what I was going to do yet, since I was a potential newcomer... But its not like this would be a new relationship. It is something that has been going on for a while...

Anna

I'm not in AA but I think, as you said, they refer to 'new' relationships and yours is obviously not new. So, I doubt that's it.

Could it be that he is afraid of being in a relationship with an addict and maybe he didn't realize that you were an addict until you talked it over with him?

The best thing to do now is to work on your sobriety.

Soberwolf

Like Anna has said your sobriety is the most important thing right now

and the friend if he has just lost his mother needs time to grieve

anyways best luck in the world

Aellyce

I agree with Anna. He obviously had a drinking problem in the past and maybe never realized the extent of yours and that you needed help before you told him directly. I think most recovering addicts would be afraid of being in a relationship or close friendship with an active addict. I certainly would (experienced it long term in the past while I was also still drinking, and the memory does not make me more comfortable with the idea). I would say no without hesitation. It's nothing about a specific person, simply just wanting to do what's good for me.

I also experienced that when I was newly sober, people in long term recovery tended to set boundaries for me and said it so quite explicitly - I think they were right.

I also think that you should focus on your recovery if drinking is a problem for you. You say you are "friends with benefits", so loosening this tie might not be that painful? Perhaps you can reconnect later.

ItsJustMe89

Haennie, what kind of boundaries did people in long term recovery set for you? Do you mean just not wanting to get too close to you cause there was a higher chance you'd relapse?

Also, I don't understand why it should change anything now that he knows. I mean, my behavior is the same as it has been, its just now he knows that it is a problem for me. Why would he need to put distance between us all the sudden when nothing has changed. The only thing that is changing is that Im thinking about giving up drinking. Which should actually make me a less risky person for him to be around.

I know you all are right tho, I should not worry about the reasons why and just focus on staying sober.

golden1987

Hi IJM,

Having lost my father in February, I feel like there's a very good chance that your friend is swamped in the aftermath of dealing with his mother's cancer - and, now beginning to grieve her death. The mother/child relationship (regardless of the quality) is the most primordial relationship we have; and, whether he was close to his mother or not, he is dealing with some enormous emotional issues.

It may be that he's just in his own space of grief right now, and doesn't have the energy to deal with anything beyond the basics of life, and processing his mom's death.

Maybe it would be healthy for you (in addition to focusing on your recovery) to consider how you might be of support to your friend through his time of grief.

Pretty sure, his behavior is not about you.

Aellyce

Yes, your argument and wondering why things have changed suddenly makes sense and is logical, the problem is that these fears are often irrational. People just get scared suddenly and start avoiding things.

The boundaries. Well I wasn't in a relationship or close friendship with someone in longer term recovery (recovered, whatever they like to call it) when I got sober, but newly met people like that. Here on SR, in the few AA meetings I attended, and in a school that was not about addiction recovery but I found a few people there on this road. I was quite desperate in my first months for making friends because I was very isolated during the last years of my drinking, and people in recovery seemed the most attractive. So what I experienced with some of these people (a few that I always considered the wisest from start in many ways!) was that they definitely showed an interest in me and admitted that to me one way or another, or I just sensed it clearly. They tended to want to engage in certain, occasional activities with me (eg. going for coffee, a movie, a walk in the park, or just keep online, etc, but not any kind of activity and usually not very long at a time). And they gave me signs and hints at least once that in principle they would be much more interested in me, but I should focus on my issues for the time being and maybe not explore new relationships in depth. I had no problems accepting that at all and I still have some of these connections, some definitely show more complex interest now. And now I know that I would do the same. I actually DO the same now with people who are more in an earlier phase and/or still struggling. It's not entirely selfish but I believe is good for someone new to sobriety. These have been my experiences. Or course I also encountered some jerks that thought initially the classic about a newbie being "easy prey" or "let's beat this together", but I never really got tempted and have avoided these politely, or set boundaries myself.

It may be weird that your old friend changed his behavior now, but many people experience big changes to their relationships in early sobriety. I went through that as well, and broke up with a partner (a "normal" drinker) after a few years together on mutual agreement.

I also agree with others that for your friend, it may be also a lot about the loss of his mother. You could maybe initiate an honest talk with him sometime and then you might find out. Maybe it's a combination of these things. You could perhaps ask him if/how you could help and if he wants to communicate or prefers some space.