azile14

Hello~ This is the message i posted on the newcomers board last night and was helpfully directed here. A few things to clarify: My husband's use has passed the "social" realm and he has had a long history of addictive behavior so when he reintroduced pot back into the mix it was "the straw" for me. I have been in a cycle of fear, sad, hurt for sometime as things escalated. I cognitively understand the reminder not to personalize and to know that it is about him, his struggle (still hurts). So as i am jumping back into the steps and doing the work I need to do, it is still a struggle to know how to relate day by day when he doesn't think there is a problem and continues to "self destruct". I shut down emotionally and don't want to be around him. But i also LOVE him!

Hello~ This is new, new, new to me and I am not exactly certain which forum is most apppropriate (or if I should be here at all..) But my heart hurts so badly that I am willing to take my chances at doing this wrong.

Without going into the gory details, I am struggling with my husband's rapidly increasing use of alcohol and marijuana (alcohol for several years, pot for about a year) He has been on the classic path of escalation. After admitting he had a problem with smoking again a while back (he has a past hx and gave it up for 25 yrs), he quit for several months but is now using again with the intention of continuing. A few hurtful circumstances broadsided me and I went right into the control spin cycle (for the past two months), arguing about it, monitoring, manipulating and more.

I was recently reminded (duh) that there is absolutely nothing i can do to control him or change him. I can however work on me. What i am struggling with most right now is this: Initially he respected or honored my request for him not to use when i am with him but now he uses whenever he isn't working. How do you make it clear you still love someone and act like it but set boundaries and care for yourself. He is very sensitive to what he perceives as the threat of abandonment or judging -getting angry and then using more. AND, since he uses eye drops and tries not to over-do, i don't ALWAYS know if he is stoned... being with him when he is feels like i am reinforcing it or enabling.

I am looking forward to starting the steps again ... lots of material to work with in my self excavation

OK, that is it for tonight... Thank you!

Ann

He's just looking for an excuse to use more or blaming you rather than taking responsibility for his own bad actions.

Setting boundaries is about us, not them, and perhaps it could go something like this with you adapting it to fit your purpose and situation.

Boundary: I will not tolerate anyone using drugs in my presence. If they do I will either ask them to stop, to leave or I will leave myself at least until such time as drugs are not being used where I will be.

This is about you, what is and is not okay with you, and what you will do if your boundary is crossed. The hard part is following through, if you don't it's not a boundary but just a wish list.

Good luck. I don't tolerate any kind of drug use in my presence either and don't care whose feelings get hurt because of it. I value my personal well-being more than I care about their addictions. What a concept.

Hugs

zoso77

I see you're new to us, so Welcome to the Board.

This stood out for me:

My first thought after reading this was, too bad. As Ann correctly noted, he doesn't want to accept responsibility for his choices or his behavior. So in practice, the only question you have to answer is how you're going to hold firm on your boundaries.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that says that you have to put up with this, or pay the price for what he does. Remember that.

And again, Welcome to the Board.

azile14

Thank you for sharing those thoughts ~ It occurs to me that i have confused detachment with setting boundaries. It sounds like you both are referring to boundaries. One the boundaries i am in the process of setting is for me not to be around his use of pot. He argues that it is his house (yep, does not refer to it as "our" house), his life, etc. and he can use when and where he wants to. It sounds like i am going to be spending lots of time away from home ... also, unless he is honest I won't always know when i get home if he has used since it isn't always evident (and i want to stop the habit of monitoring) ugh. Just this morning we had some communication chaos and i can tell that he wants to use that as an excuse . OK, what to focus on here: I am powerless over another person's choices and behaviors, i am not responsible for their choices and behaviors... I am grateful for this spectacular fall day.