Findingtheway

Hello. I had just got past the 30 day mark of sobriety...and stupidly thought I could drink again.

Purchased a bottle of vodka...went back to the office to drink it. Bought another small bottle of whiskey on the way home ( though I don't remember buying this one )...proceeded to go to the subway (where the staff called 911) because I was walking erratically...likely fell down as I had painful bruises and a sore head.

Then remember coming to...in the hospital...the nurse yelling at me to sit back down...they had an IV in my arm...though I don't remember it.

Little sister called me asking where I was...it was 1030 pm...I was due home at about 8 pm.

Much crying...my parents came to pick me up...horrible thoughts emotions etc...ALL OVER AGAIN.

I'm 33 years old...I've been through rehab 2 times...I'm a member of AA but none of it mattered...I stupidly chose to drink...I'm lucky I'm alive to post this.

I'm terrified now...I'm holed up in my room...my mom basically said this morning she can't look at me...she thinks I'll be dead in a few years if this continues.

I'm scared...i wasn't trying to kill myself...and I didn't anticipate drinking so much that I blacked out and awoke in the hospital.

This makes no sense. Why did I think this was an ok idea? I'm exhausted of fighting this thing...feels like I have a 2 sided mind.

I need help. I'm actually afraid for my life. My mind closes off against AA even though I go to the meetings. If you had asked me how I was 1'week ago...I felt great. Today I'm done.

Needed to post this. 36 hours sober. Waking up from a blackout in a hospital.

Never again.

Jupiters

wow, that is pretty scary glad to hear you are ok (relatively speaking)....just take care of yourself the next few days, it sounds like you had quite a binge. Rest up. You can do this!

Wastinglife

My last relapse ended in similar fashion. Woke up on my bathroom floor in the morning absolutely covered in my own blood. Looked in the mirror and saw a massive scalp laceration with my skull exposed. Took an ambulance to the ER where i proceeded to get 30 staples in my head.

I've had many 'wake-up calls' before, but the sight of me in the mirror that morning had traumatized me and for the first time I thought about my own mortality. I was unconscious for several hours and I live alone so who knows how it could have turned out. I realize now that I can die from my alcoholism.

I have been sober since this happened last December and the scar on my head serves as a constant reminder of why I cannot drink ever. Findingtheway, we are the same. We are not normal drinkers. Never forget that.

ChloeRose63

Glad you are alive...I couldn't breathe when I was reading your post. Scared me to tears. I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and I hope you start feeling better soon. Keep posting. Things will get better...

FreeOwl

That's awful, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I can relate to closing off against AA..... And yet I would not be nearing 10 months sober without it.

I hope you will consider getting back to the tables ASAP and sharing what has happened.

You need support and community.

Resolv

Wow FindingTheWay. How dramatic. I guess you won't want that to happen again. Are you going to share this experience with a Dr.? This sounds like a job for a professional. Maybe a team of professionals. Is a rehab stay possible? Do you have folks close to you to talk this out with? Lots of questions. I bet you have more.

Verte

Sorry you have had such a rough go. You have to remember and remind yourself that you are not alone in this. I'm 6months sober and the hardest times I have had thus far are when I felt singularly alone. Intellectually I know the answer is not a drink, and I have had to dig deep around the desire and examine the depths of the isolation to stay away from it. Uncomfortable and it hurts but I know there is no band-aid.

What happened at the office or leading up to the the point where you made the decision to go to the liquor store and buy liquor?

Great advice here. Support in real life just sounds key right now.

nuffsEnuff

Ive been in similar scenarios. Im at the point where EMC's, nurses, and Dr.s are recognizing me. This disease is crafty as hell. Im glad your ok, your not alone with these struggles.

ANewDayNYC

I have woke up in ER before, I remember it being scary not remembering how I got to hospital.

I also have similar issues when I have a good streak, I feel I can drink again.

You can bounce back from this.

HeartsAfire

You've been so great about posting. Just curious about where the post is when you first thought you could drink again. Or when you were contemplating buying that bottle. Or when sitting in the liquor store parking lot. What about a phone call to an AA buddy or sponsor?

Between SR & AA you've got all the support & tools you need. We're here for you & want to help. But you've got to want it too. You've got to want help for you more than we do. And you've got to do whatever it takes by any means necessary to take that first step when you're feeling tempted.

We're here & will continue to be here. Hope you'll be here with us.

grubby

It was that bad of a black-out? How long were you drinking? I'm just curious.

Stay safe and stay away from the bottle.............

soberclover

It took me many scares before I realized that alcohol and I would never get along...never. Hope you are done being scared and ready to do something about your alcoholism. Glad you are posting.

Findingtheway

Thanks SR for the replies. I'm going to need you all more than ever.

I really scared myself good this time. I could have died. Could have been hit by a subway...god only knows.

Subway folks and EMS likely saved my life.

Soberwolf

Finding the way i really hope this is it that sounded scary

you must learn if **** ever hits the fan like that phone somebody

you got to think what might you do diffrent or make a new plan

rooting for you

Dee74

I'm sorry you had to go through that.
I really hope you can make this your turning point findingtheway

D

Findingtheway

After a lot of soul searching...I've tried to make whatever sense of what transpired on Thursday. I did have the 1 month of sober time.

Those are days I conquered...I owned recovery those days. I was accountable and active and I reaped the rewards from it.

Starting about 10 days ago...I started stopping my posting on SR...I went to AA but wasn't happy at all about being there. I was angry looking back.

Tuesday I had a drink...Wednesday I drank again...Thursday I ended up in the hospital...there is a good 3 hours I do not recall. BLACKOUT.

I've had bad experiences with booze for years now.

Waking up incoherent and bruised and sore at the hospital is a new low.

Rock Bottom? I sure hope so.

Though this could also be the start of my spiritual experience...I'm pretty sure the guiding hand of God kept me safe Thursday. It's not my time to die.

I've got too much to live for. Thanks for being here SR.

Soberwolf

you can do it

Findingtheway

This actually moved me to tears this morning...thank you for caring.

Anna

Those were the exact words and feelings I had at the end of my drinking days. My life was out of control and it was the most horrible feeling.

I hope that you make this the turning point in your recovery. Do whatever it takes to get and stay sober.

nymets86

Yeah, this is pretty similar with what happened with me. Except I have no clue how I got to the hospital. I easily could have fallen in the subway given how drunk I was. Fortunately I "just" have a huge gash on my finger. No other injuries to speak of. Just very, very scary.

I had no intention of getting as drunk as I did, and managed to do it 100% with beer, which is kind of surprising to me. I can't remember ever getting that drunk with no hard liquor before. I was drinking from 5:30pm until something around 10, so that makes sense I guess.