Two year chip.... Life is good
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Two year chip.... Life is good
It can get rough here for those looking for hope that their beloved alcoholic will get well. You don't arrive here after googling "joys of living with a raging alcoholic" probably.
When I arrived three years ago I was not finding it joyful. Saturday night was birthday night for Poh. The first year chip took two tries after a slip nine months in but year two was much better.
I don't participate much in her AA stuff any longer, bambam is too big now to be quiet so three nights per week I make sure I am home in time for her to hand me the little man and go to her meetings.
I wasn't much for alanon, but if you are on the roller coaster go try it. I was actually a bit pissed off when my beloved went through a cycle of wanting me to twelve step like her and I think it's a great thing but I work long hours, take daddy duty gladly so she can do her thing and frankly I just have other stuff to do - step one doesn't apply to me and life is pretty serene. Poh probably spends 5 hrs per day between meetings, sponsoring others, talking to her sponsor, doing her service work - tonight she is updating the monthly board since they were looking for volunteers and the board was not decorated with glitter and prettified, lol.
If you trace back to when I got here you might be surprised, no, Poh was NOT mildly addicted to alcohol. She was out of control then.
Today? We argue and fuss like any married couple. I think maybe two arguments lasted more than an hour the past six months, none stand out.
We have a quiet life, a healthy baby and his big sis started college.
Not much to say really, trying to bore you into seeing that life can return to normal and keep right on going to happy and serene. There are cynics who will say "yeah, she will relapse and break your heart". Yeah ok, heard that the first 397 times. Choose not to think about **** that hasn't happened. Odds say you are right but we will see. If it happens I will assess the situation and figure it out... Meanwhile I choose to enjoy being happy and married to my sweet bride. I thank her every day for being alive, happy and mine.
For those who have an alcoholic who is trying to get sober, birthday night at aa is something we never missed for a year. You see 5-6 at one year, 2-3 at 2 then it trails off 8. Then 12, then 25 then 40... Last weekend a got an 11 year chip - his SECOND 11 year chip. Folks like that show you that it can be done and that if they relapse they can start over.
For those whose alcoholic isn't trying to stop I feel for you, not much you can do about that but don't let yourself fall for the trap of feeling like it is hopeless. If you are still there then it is because you choose to be. Maybe tomorrow you will choose not to be but you choose every day. That isn't to say you chose the problem, just to remind you that you can choose to change your situation. If you say you can't leave due to money or this or that... No, you can, you just choose not to because for now you are not ready and tomorrow you may choose differently or not but either way it's important to retain that freedom in your mind.
I am glad I chose to marry my wife knowing what I was getting into and glad I went in with the simple premise that I refuse to live with ACTIVE alcoholism and my wife says she wasn't ready to dry up until the night I dropped her shivering still 3am at her brothers and told her I loved her enough to be here if she chose recovery but lived her too much to watch her die if she did not and when she spoke the other night she said it isn't fear of alcohol that keeps her sober, it is fear of losing us because she can't use and be mommy and wife. If she relapses she would need to get help or pack or else I would and she knows it... It isn't a threat, just an understanding.
Meanwhile... I don't fear that because I don't waste time thinking about what I can't control. I do my best to provide her with the love, security and support to make it easier to stay well but I butt out and let her deal with that.
Hang in there. If I don't hang around long I will be back in a year. Love and appreciate the good souls here just don't think about the tough times much these days. Focused on building better replacement memories.
When I arrived three years ago I was not finding it joyful. Saturday night was birthday night for Poh. The first year chip took two tries after a slip nine months in but year two was much better.
I don't participate much in her AA stuff any longer, bambam is too big now to be quiet so three nights per week I make sure I am home in time for her to hand me the little man and go to her meetings.
I wasn't much for alanon, but if you are on the roller coaster go try it. I was actually a bit pissed off when my beloved went through a cycle of wanting me to twelve step like her and I think it's a great thing but I work long hours, take daddy duty gladly so she can do her thing and frankly I just have other stuff to do - step one doesn't apply to me and life is pretty serene. Poh probably spends 5 hrs per day between meetings, sponsoring others, talking to her sponsor, doing her service work - tonight she is updating the monthly board since they were looking for volunteers and the board was not decorated with glitter and prettified, lol.
If you trace back to when I got here you might be surprised, no, Poh was NOT mildly addicted to alcohol. She was out of control then.
Today? We argue and fuss like any married couple. I think maybe two arguments lasted more than an hour the past six months, none stand out.
We have a quiet life, a healthy baby and his big sis started college.
Not much to say really, trying to bore you into seeing that life can return to normal and keep right on going to happy and serene. There are cynics who will say "yeah, she will relapse and break your heart". Yeah ok, heard that the first 397 times. Choose not to think about **** that hasn't happened. Odds say you are right but we will see. If it happens I will assess the situation and figure it out... Meanwhile I choose to enjoy being happy and married to my sweet bride. I thank her every day for being alive, happy and mine.
For those who have an alcoholic who is trying to get sober, birthday night at aa is something we never missed for a year. You see 5-6 at one year, 2-3 at 2 then it trails off 8. Then 12, then 25 then 40... Last weekend a got an 11 year chip - his SECOND 11 year chip. Folks like that show you that it can be done and that if they relapse they can start over.
For those whose alcoholic isn't trying to stop I feel for you, not much you can do about that but don't let yourself fall for the trap of feeling like it is hopeless. If you are still there then it is because you choose to be. Maybe tomorrow you will choose not to be but you choose every day. That isn't to say you chose the problem, just to remind you that you can choose to change your situation. If you say you can't leave due to money or this or that... No, you can, you just choose not to because for now you are not ready and tomorrow you may choose differently or not but either way it's important to retain that freedom in your mind.
I am glad I chose to marry my wife knowing what I was getting into and glad I went in with the simple premise that I refuse to live with ACTIVE alcoholism and my wife says she wasn't ready to dry up until the night I dropped her shivering still 3am at her brothers and told her I loved her enough to be here if she chose recovery but lived her too much to watch her die if she did not and when she spoke the other night she said it isn't fear of alcohol that keeps her sober, it is fear of losing us because she can't use and be mommy and wife. If she relapses she would need to get help or pack or else I would and she knows it... It isn't a threat, just an understanding.
Meanwhile... I don't fear that because I don't waste time thinking about what I can't control. I do my best to provide her with the love, security and support to make it easier to stay well but I butt out and let her deal with that.
Hang in there. If I don't hang around long I will be back in a year. Love and appreciate the good souls here just don't think about the tough times much these days. Focused on building better replacement memories.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
You don't have to commit to living with a recovered alcoholic or an active one but I think it is important to be honest with yourself if you do. One reason I am not resentful or bitter about things that pretty much dominate the first page here is because I know I made a choice. My beloved bride has a disease that could break loose again one day but marriage isn't 'for better or for now, in convenience and in health'. Likewise I am not into the whole masochism thing and would not have married her if not for the fact that even with the worst parts of alcoholism, she's the first woman who made that silly nonsense about finding someone you can't live without' make sense.
I don't drink in the house, I've had to make some career choices to get off the road and change routines. I don't mind not getting to spend as much time together as I would like because most days I get home at 7 and she's out the door til 9 for a meeting or checking on a sponsor. I chose that, that was part of the deal I made with me because when she gets home and lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles up to talk and watch tv til we fall asleep that's my favorite time and she is clear of eye, thought and conscience. It's important not to see that as a sacrifice or burden and it is not. I loved her when she was a mess and I love her now. What changed is that she can love me back as a full partner.
Not much to complain about... Except she remembers EVERYTHING now, lol - what's that about?
It's been interesting as well as we grow in our understanding of each other's perspective. Things like when a sponsee leaped off the wagon and my wife was explaining to me how painful it was to watch someone circle the drain and not have any way to stop them. I'm not sure what she saw in my eyes then but it froze her mid sentence and she just hugged me and whispered "I'm so sorry, thank you for not quitting on me". Til then she'd never indicated awareness let alone remorse but that's ok. What she doesn't yet see is that every day she wakes up sober atones for anything that happened before. I got the woman of my dreams, a fabulous mom who dotes on our son, a gentle and kind soul who adorable laugh lights up a room...
For new folks here I owe you a few thoughts on what you can do.... My thoughts apply to my life and my experience, if one thing helps you then that's great. I don't argue any longer with those who disagree - they have their own story to write and their own path to walk and I just pray they find their own truth and peace.
1. You don't have to be with an alcoholic. I won't tell you whether you should stay in or get out but if you do stay then I urge you to own that decision. You can't make someone sober up but making them feel shame and guilt? May as well stick a straw in a vodka bottle, hand it to them and get it over with. If you choose to support them as they attempt recovery or choose to hang around if they don't then you will both be happier if you own that choice and the consequences of that choice.
2. For those who say they have no choice I'm unlikely to penetrate that thinking but unless your alcoholic is a conjoined twin the reality is that your alternative is worse in your mind today. I always infuriate someone when I say this but my only intent is to empower. If you are choosing not to change an impossibly bad situation because you are not ready, not yet strong enough ... Whatever. At least you can say "I'm choosing my current situation for today, tomorrow I will choose what I choose then"... You are then in control of you, you are no longer hopeless.
3. Threats don't work. A boundary is not a threat. Mine is that I won't live with an active and out of control addict nor will my son. Poh knows that she might be able to drink once or a dozen times or a hundred times before losing control but she works her program because the risk is too great to her. She did not hit rock bottom while I was running around putting pillows between her and the rock. She hit it when I kicked her out - we both did. Don't do that or threaten that unless and until you mean it but if you know you can't live with it, don't.
4. Signing up for supporting someone through recovery means understanding it ain't all sunshine and lollipops and the objective is not to get them sober enough to make it all up to you. It's going to be all about them for a while, it is hard on them, they might be LESS interested in what you need for a long while.
So two years sober, nearly three since she's been drunk... Completely worth it even if she relapses tomorrow, it's been mostly great times despite the challenges and hard times. I say recovered, not recovering. Some correct me on that but I've had colds and will have them again. I recovered from the last one. She's recovered and has been for a long time. Tomorrow? Who knows, I envy those with so little to do that they can worry about stuff that hasn't happened sometimes but much... I'm happy, she's happy, kid is happy, dogs are happy - no sense questioning that.
As to her program... I support her by getting out of the way now. I make sure she has two things to worry about - her sobriety and our son and try to give her no reason to stress and she does it.
She is the only one who can do it. Doctors can't heal. They close wounds, set bones, and provide antibiotics and casts to create the conditions where healing can take place. That's what I try to do. Poh drank due to fears and insecurities and stresses. I try to provide love and consistency and calm.
She's come a long way from the gal who was so nervous about talking to the probation officer after her second DUI to determine whether she'd be allowed to drive that she got drunk first :-)
Hang in there.
I don't drink in the house, I've had to make some career choices to get off the road and change routines. I don't mind not getting to spend as much time together as I would like because most days I get home at 7 and she's out the door til 9 for a meeting or checking on a sponsor. I chose that, that was part of the deal I made with me because when she gets home and lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles up to talk and watch tv til we fall asleep that's my favorite time and she is clear of eye, thought and conscience. It's important not to see that as a sacrifice or burden and it is not. I loved her when she was a mess and I love her now. What changed is that she can love me back as a full partner.
Not much to complain about... Except she remembers EVERYTHING now, lol - what's that about?
It's been interesting as well as we grow in our understanding of each other's perspective. Things like when a sponsee leaped off the wagon and my wife was explaining to me how painful it was to watch someone circle the drain and not have any way to stop them. I'm not sure what she saw in my eyes then but it froze her mid sentence and she just hugged me and whispered "I'm so sorry, thank you for not quitting on me". Til then she'd never indicated awareness let alone remorse but that's ok. What she doesn't yet see is that every day she wakes up sober atones for anything that happened before. I got the woman of my dreams, a fabulous mom who dotes on our son, a gentle and kind soul who adorable laugh lights up a room...
For new folks here I owe you a few thoughts on what you can do.... My thoughts apply to my life and my experience, if one thing helps you then that's great. I don't argue any longer with those who disagree - they have their own story to write and their own path to walk and I just pray they find their own truth and peace.
1. You don't have to be with an alcoholic. I won't tell you whether you should stay in or get out but if you do stay then I urge you to own that decision. You can't make someone sober up but making them feel shame and guilt? May as well stick a straw in a vodka bottle, hand it to them and get it over with. If you choose to support them as they attempt recovery or choose to hang around if they don't then you will both be happier if you own that choice and the consequences of that choice.
2. For those who say they have no choice I'm unlikely to penetrate that thinking but unless your alcoholic is a conjoined twin the reality is that your alternative is worse in your mind today. I always infuriate someone when I say this but my only intent is to empower. If you are choosing not to change an impossibly bad situation because you are not ready, not yet strong enough ... Whatever. At least you can say "I'm choosing my current situation for today, tomorrow I will choose what I choose then"... You are then in control of you, you are no longer hopeless.
3. Threats don't work. A boundary is not a threat. Mine is that I won't live with an active and out of control addict nor will my son. Poh knows that she might be able to drink once or a dozen times or a hundred times before losing control but she works her program because the risk is too great to her. She did not hit rock bottom while I was running around putting pillows between her and the rock. She hit it when I kicked her out - we both did. Don't do that or threaten that unless and until you mean it but if you know you can't live with it, don't.
4. Signing up for supporting someone through recovery means understanding it ain't all sunshine and lollipops and the objective is not to get them sober enough to make it all up to you. It's going to be all about them for a while, it is hard on them, they might be LESS interested in what you need for a long while.
So two years sober, nearly three since she's been drunk... Completely worth it even if she relapses tomorrow, it's been mostly great times despite the challenges and hard times. I say recovered, not recovering. Some correct me on that but I've had colds and will have them again. I recovered from the last one. She's recovered and has been for a long time. Tomorrow? Who knows, I envy those with so little to do that they can worry about stuff that hasn't happened sometimes but much... I'm happy, she's happy, kid is happy, dogs are happy - no sense questioning that.
As to her program... I support her by getting out of the way now. I make sure she has two things to worry about - her sobriety and our son and try to give her no reason to stress and she does it.
She is the only one who can do it. Doctors can't heal. They close wounds, set bones, and provide antibiotics and casts to create the conditions where healing can take place. That's what I try to do. Poh drank due to fears and insecurities and stresses. I try to provide love and consistency and calm.
She's come a long way from the gal who was so nervous about talking to the probation officer after her second DUI to determine whether she'd be allowed to drive that she got drunk first :-)
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
I am so very happy for you! It gives me hope because I am feeling rather hopeless in my relationship right now. My husband stayed sober for 6 weeks, and just started drinking again. I have no idea if he intends to stop again, but I do know that I am constantly questioning my decision to stay. So thank you for posting!
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