ArtFriend

It would be nice if I could get a foothold on sobriety before things start testing me! I know life happens, but really?

Today is my nephew's 30th birthday. I sent him an email that bounced back. I tried to call and he hung up on me. I have no clue what is going on except that his father and I are on the outs. He is loyal to his dad, but I think this is incredibly rude.

His sister was married this summer and I was not invited. I have tried to talk to the other 2 nephews on FB and got the big stonewall.

I am very hurt by this. I don't live near these kids, but I have always tried to keep in touch via email, cards, calls, etc. My brother has essentially turned them against me. I don't want to sound melodramatic, but I cannot see any other reason for this. I am open to ideas.

ScottFromWI

Personally I would say leave it be and concentrate on things you can control. There could be a million reasons they choose to not contact you, but obsessing about it and trying to circumvent Normal channels isn't going to help. Work on your sobriety and other personal goals and things may just work out on their own.

Soberwolf

Artfriend things happens that we have to accept and move on from the decent thing is you tried

there was a few who had already made up thier mind on me i had to accept that

in time when the dust settles and the longer you stay sober you never know what might happen

but for now i gently suggest you leave it for now just keep focused on your sobriety and moving forward

herradura

I have the same thing with nieces from my sister. One turned 16 this week and I struggled on sending her a gift since she and her Mother have no contact with me. I'm conservative she is liberal and unfortunately we cant see anything eye to eye. I decided not to send anything since it would make it awkward. I don't worry about the family relationship anymore, you cant control it. So move on.

ArtFriend

I understand that I can't control this situation, but I really hate the character assassination that is going on. So unfair.

bookmaven

What other people think of me is none of my business.

ScottFromWI

Life isn't fair sometimes. Your actions will speak louder than anyone's words in the long run though, so do your best to stay true to yourself and your goals...especially your sobriety.

ArtFriend

Unfortunate that the riff is about politics. At 16, how in the world does she even know what she thinks.

You are right I should move on, however, this is the last family member I have. I lost my dad years ago, my sister, my mom, and my other brother. So that is what is upsetting.

Soberpotamus

For years, I had to watch my mom's brother and sister and mother emotionally abandon her to her alcoholism (while her dad continued to enable her). And I had to hear my mom berating them for disowning her. I was caught in the middle... wondering why. Who was to blame? Who was at fault? To this day, it still hurts. My mom ended up committing suicide. I watched as her brother and sister showed up to support me there at the ICU where I had to give permission to go ahead and take her off the machine. There are no words to describe the overwhelming flood of emotions as I tried to reconcile in my mind my mom, and our family, and who was to blame. And it seemed to all fall on top of me, to make an ultimate decision.

I shared that because I want to point out that it doesn't matter who's to "blame" or who is "wrong" or "bad" or "guilty." What matters is if you do your best to let the people around you know you love and care for them no matter what.

I had to cut off contact with my own mom after years of her trampling all over any boundaries I had attempted to erect to protect myself from her. I can understand why the family did the things they did. I had to do things my mom didn't understand. She probably blamed me for finally pushing her away. But I didn't make her take those pills. And I loved her enough to explain to her I would always love her but I had to protect myself. And I know she somehow understood that.

Not much you can do to change your family's response or lack of response to you right now. Best thing is to accept it for what it is, and go on and live your life, concentrate on your sobriety, and make good choices.

ArtFriend

Except when it is

ArtFriend

I am very sorry about your mom and the family dynamics. That would be horrible to have to deal with.

I tried, like I said in my OP. Visits, cards, letters, presents, whatever I could do as an aunt who lives 2000 miles away. I guess it was not enough.

I am sure your mom understood and loved you.

Yes... I am struggling with starting my sobriety. i am vulnerable right now. Thanks

Soberpotamus

I'm sure that's enough. It just a matter of realizing that we can't control others' reactions. I can be the nicest person and most thoughtful person in the world and still have some treat me terribly because of any number of reasons. Life isn't always just. That was a super hard lesson for me to learn, btw! Lol. I wanted and expected things to make sense, and life to be great, and for people to treat me as I treated them... but it doesn't happen that way sometimes. I had rage when I was drinking, and when I got sober a lot of that rage came out. I was so angry at everyone, blaming everyone for not doing what I thought should've been done in any given situation.

And it took months for me to see how warped my own thinking was

You might be a great aunt... but maybe your family has their own reasons for acting the way they do? And who's to say they're right or wrong?

ArtFriend

I know what you are saying Jennie. I really do. However, it is not just one person here. It is my brother's 4 kids. I can see it if it just one of them, however all 4?

Thanks for your input...appreciate it!

PurpleKnight

Unfortunately life keeps chugging on, the ups, the downs and the curve balls just keep coming, there's never a good time to become Sober, we just have to dive straight in!!

Keep life as simple as possible at the start, focus on your Sobriety and later family relationships can reach the top of the to do list!!

Hang in there!!

Dee74

I've had to learn sometimes there's nothing I can do about certain situations except to take solace in the fact that in my experience truth usually outs.

You can let this consume you, or you can put it to one side, and hopefully have a great weekend.

The choice really is yours artfriend

D

Soberpotamus

Byron Katie's Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet

PolarBlue

I really understand where you're coming from. Things like this can make it hard to focus on sobriety, whether it's longing for family or being out of work. I've been hearing that a lot. Work on sobriety and ignore things that could "drive you to drink".

Maybe it's easier for some than others. Sorry to hear about your family. Maybe they'll come around.

herradura

ArtFriend,

My niece is a product of her mother who is my sister. She is the Liberal one, the Mother, and it is with her I have the problem. However the problem between us has escalated to a point where she and her ex husband talk about us (wife and I) behind our backs to their kids. It was evident over the last several years. Previously we would get together and have a blast, lots of fun. Sister changed, became non productive, got divorced from a perfectly good husband, got fired from three jobs and went from making 200k a year, nice house, BMW, dinner out four nights a week, to living in her ex husbands basement unemployed.

None of this matters to you as it is my problem, but I cant fight what other people say about me. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to sway the opinion of my nieces. I tried for a couple of years, and when last Christmas I found out my sister was really struggling financially I sent her daughters some money. They are kids, not their fault their Mother is so screwed up. SO,,,,,,,, when she found out I sent the girls money, she decided to take the money she had put away for their Christmas, and go get a 2.5 hour massage, a pedi/mani, and take her boyfriend out to a nice dinner.

Lots of deep seated sh$% going on here. I decided if I want to give money to people who are going to abuse the $$ then I will redirect the money to people who will use it for things, like food, rent, etc.

Yeah, it kills me the kids don't want anything to do with me, my wife, or my three kids. But I cant CONTROL it, so I have to let it go and I suggest you do the same thing. We don't have a big family either, so it is hard. I have a brother with three kids and we do get along somewhat, he too is conservative, married, works, and is a religious zealot. I am good with the religion as it helps keep him balanced. His kids want nothing to do with me either, and I look at it as their loss as I cant control what his Wife says about me and my family. They are very judgemental IRT my lifestyle and the way I raise my kids.

Too long probably, but this is bothering me. I have a very interesting family. I think most families are interesting. Sister is crazy on drugs(medicine to others) bi-polar, so lubed up on drugs she cant keep a conversation(doc says she needs more).

Brother is religious zealot and closet drinker, non bi polar, wife is closet drinker, always a handle of vodka in the freezer, hypochondriac and severe drug (medicine) seeker.

And then there is me and my family. I am fat drunk Uncle who retired young and just has fun. Bipolar (unmedicated) used to use alcohol to medicate, and tried every drug(medicine) on the planet to medicate without success, so now trying to go it alone(undrugged). Wife drinks too much, don't think she is alcoholic (and don't want comments on if she is or isn't.) Extremely conservative, appear abusive to our kids as we don't let them have their own cell phones, don't let them play video games more than two hours a week, limit TV to pg rated programs and only an hour a day, don't allow them social media, etc.

Sister lets her daughter do and see whatever they want, Brother keeps his in church and in front of the TV/video games. So we are all very different and I think perhaps this explains the disdain for myself and wife.


Long story short, try to let go of people even if they are family if you are in a position where you cant control/affect the outcome. All it does is hurt you, because they don't care. At least this is my experience and I have a few thousand hours of thinking/caring about it. I feel better now that I have let it go with my immediate family and I try to focus on the things I can affect, the way my kids are raised, my financial and physical well being, and finally my dependence on alcohol.

Good luck and sorry for the long post, but you struck a chord with me on this as I have been battling it since 2010.

herradura

SoberJ,

I like the worksheet, often when you look at things objectively it becomes more clear. Thanks for sharing.

Tamerua

I have to agree with Scott, let it go and work on you. Focus all your attention on your sobriety and the other stuff will work itself out one way or another.