patricia68

I think I'm ready...maybe 90% only...but I think I am ready to accept that I am an addict.

I spent the last 3 hours crying on the bathroom floor. There's no way I can convince myself that I can control this anymore.

And I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I have a flaw, like there's something wrong with me. Like how I felt the first time the Dr told me I needed glasses.

I am not perfect.

But if I don't do anything about it, if I don't take care of myself I am going to die.

I don't want my little boy to spend the rest of his life mourning a dead mom. I know how that feels and it sucks.

I am an addict.

Why can't I stop feeling sorry for myself?

luvmygirls

Welcome, Patricia...90% ready is a great start. We are here for you.

Anna

Patricia, I was devastated when I realized the mess I'd gotten myself into. And, there's no easy way out. Recovery is hard work, but it's worth it. I'm glad you're ready to deal with this.

Soberpotamus

Hi Patricia... the way I see it: It is what it is. And that's it. No judgements. Ok, so I'm alcoholic. I had a drinking problem. For whatever reasons... genetics, environmental factors, chance... doesn't really matter.

Now, what can you do about it? That's what really matters. What you choose to do in response makes all the difference.

There are times I mope and feel sorry for certain situations in my life, thinking I'd have been at a much better place had X not happened... but, it did happen I am what I am. And so I think it's important to find some things about yourself that you can hold onto that mean something to you... what qualities in yourself do you see that can carry you through this? Name a few! We ALL have some strengths and good qualities. Even addicts and alcoholics.

Not to say that there's not a time and place to deal with the shame and guilt. But there's lots to be said for holding onto your strengths as you come to accept your weaknesses.

Soberwolf

Patricia your not alone.....big hugs

patricia68

I also realized I have a stronger addiction to anxiety pills (ativan)
I stop drinking for a few weeks, the longest was 35 days. Then I realize my pills are running low, I get anxiety...i know I can't abuse them or else the Dr won't prescribe them anymore. So I go back to drinking.
Now I am 6 days away from my next doctors appointment and my anxiety is out of control.
The moment I come home with a new prescription I find quitting drinking much easier...and the whole cycle starts again for the next 60 days.
I don't know how am I going to get out of this mess...

Dee74

Maybe speaking to your Dr would be a good first step Patricia?

D

patricia68

Dee, I tried. Several doctors. They want me to take anti depressant pills instead (Effexor, Paxil, etc)
That stuff is great until it stops working, Then you try to wean off of them and the anxiety comes back 10 times worse. It took me 3 years to wean off Paxil.

Dee74

I'm not sure how you're going to get out of the situation your in unless you change something tho?

D

patricia68

Baby steps I suppose...where do I start?

ArtFriend

My father died of alcoholism when I was 7 years old. I am now 57 and I still mourn his death. If not for yourself, then think about your son and do whatever it takes to get well. I am sure he would rather have a flawed mother than no mother at all!

You are in Canada and I don't know the health system there, but your health care provider would be step#1
You are depressed, as evidenced by 3 hours in the bathroom crying, and addicted. They can help you with this! I am in the same leaky boat. Depression and anxiety are BFFs as my therapist told me. Two sides of the same coin. SSRIs only address depression where SSNRIs address both (like Effexor). One is for serotonin only and the other is for serotonin and norepinephrine

PurpleKnight

Somehow we have to get past the whys, the hows, and all the other questions of why we're not like other drinkers, the reality and the facts of the situation aren't going to change, we can't wish them away, no matter how much we want to.

The only question to be answered is what we're going to do about it, we either continue doing the same thing we've always done, the same routine that leads us to drinking or we get off that merry-go-round and try something different!!

For me changing something, anything, no matter how small, little steps, the goal was to be Sober and so throwing enough tools in the toolbox for the task in hand, I figured something has to work, and it did!!

You can do this too!!

patricia68

Thank you Artfriend. That hit hard, my son in 7 years old. You are right...

patricia68

Purpleknight...you are not going to believe this but alcohol, pills, and cigarettes never solved any of my problems.
It was only when I changed my way of thinking from being a victim to being optimistic and positive that things actually changed.
I seem to be stuck in the victim mentality right now...

ArtFriend

I say this with all compassion, but you are not the victim. You have options and you have made choices. Your son is the victim. He is not getting the very best mom at the moment. I am sure he is very distressed by your situation. You can change this. He can't. Good luck!!

patricia68

Omg Artfriend...you are right. Today when I took him to the bus top...he told me he didn't want to leave me alone. You are right, he knows...

ArtFriend

Kids are incredibly perceptive. They can sense things that many adults can't.

PurpleKnight

Oh been there, got the box of t-shirts, they're somewhere around here!!

Alcohol promises soo much, and in the end delivers soo very little!!

patricia68

Thank you Artfriend...I believe what you say. You were a kid when your father died.
My boy has been asking me a lot of questions about death lately. I really believe what you said, they can sense things.

ArtFriend

I am not trying to make you feel bad. Just hope you will find the courage to get help. Your baby boy is counting on you!!