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How do you stay sober when your spouse still drinks?

Old 10-03-2014, 01:03 PM
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How do you stay sober when your spouse still drinks?

I know I'm an alcoholic. I've completely accepted that fact. However, my spouse is not (not as bad as me anyway), and still drinks a couple nights a week. He doesn't drink in front of me (not yet anyway, I'm only 7 days in) but he comes home late from work smelling like a brewery and brings up so many triggers/emotions I can't stand to be around him.

I'm pissed I can't drink, pissed he can, and irate that he expects me to stay sober when put in this position.

I've told him how this makes me feel and he says I need to deal with it because I'M the alcoholic and not him. I've recommended he go to either
an AA or Alanon mtg to get a better perspective of the disease, but he's not interested. Anyone else faced with a similar dilemma?
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Old 10-03-2014, 01:11 PM
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I hate this subject as if the other person is still drinking around an alcoholic i find it so wrong

i hated my father for drinking in the house when my mum was alive and sober and this was before my alcoholism and i still hate him for it

ppl will say deal with it.....maybe outside yes but at home cant ppl respect that at least not to drink in the family home for the alcoholic

i think its wrong you wont convince me otherwise i have first hand life experiences with this i grew up like this i

its so wrong and suggest something.....why are people drinking at home in the first place
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Old 10-03-2014, 01:44 PM
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After two one-week sober stints (prior to this successful one - 49 days today!) which both went belly up drinking with my boyfriend, I asked him not to drink in the house/in front of me in the infancy of my sobriety. What this request meant to me was that he not quit entirely (he identifies as a drinking alcoholic, but functional, and feels that it is no problem - but that's his story) as I didn't want to impose sobriety, so I imagined he would still drink out at events or stop at a bar now and again with friends after work.

What it meant to him: "OK," he said, "I'll keep my alcohol outside in the truck, and then every time I want a beer I will go drink it out on the lawn and then come back inside..."

That was all I needed to know. I asked him to leave the next day.

Now, mind you, he was a newer boyfriend, and I wasn't so deeply enmeshed that breaking up was inconceivable, but I did love him, and he was the closest thing to a "life partner candidate that I had found in six years". So it wasn't the simplest of decisions.

I miss him often, but do not regret it. I realize that - in seeking a true love - I want someone who cares enough about me to support me wholeheartedly through early recovery. I know that once my sobriety is well-rooted and centered, I could be around alcohol without super-discomfort. On occasion. Not every night in my own home, which is supposed to be sanctuary, the safe place.

I know many, many folks on this site make living with a drinking partner work. I just can't. Or won't. I feel too left out, too different, too lonely, and not supported.

And, really, knowing that he is standing just outside the front door guzzling a beer just makes it sad, but not more comfortable.

Willing to go to any lengths. That was my mantra for weeks after I asked him to move out. Once I had made that choice, I HAD to stay sober, because I gave up Mr. Sweetie for a successful sobriety and would have felt ridiculous if the sobriety still hadn't stuck. So I guess that love affair was a casualty of sobriety. But when I consider how many casualties my alcoholism took, well, there's just no comparison. Especially when the true victim of that war was me. And I am responsible for my own survival. No matter what that takes.
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:01 PM
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I can only say that I would tell him how he is seriously jeopardizing your feelings for him, your partnership together, and your trust. The thing is, he should support you.

I would never ever drink in front of someone I care about who is in recovery. Even someone I don't care about for that matter, it is just wrong.

I would possibly think that maybe he has a bit more of an issue with drinking than you realize. Denial is a powerful thing. Just b/c his drinking does not have the same ramifications for him does not mean he does not have a problem. Just a thought.

I hope you keep working on you. YOU DESERVE SOBRIETY. It is the best gift you could possibly give yourself, ever.

Good luck and many blessings on this walk..
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:13 PM
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This hasn't really become an issue for me yet, because I haven't told my husband I stopped drinking (only Day 16 for me). He is very much a "take it or leave it" social drinker, and in the past when the subject has come up he has offered to take all the alcohol out of the house.

What I'm worried about more is my mom. She is an alcoholic who we see fairly often, even though my parents live 8 hours away. The idea that she is an alcoholic and will be drinking will bother me. It will make me feel...gypped or something? Crazy, I know. I could probably ask her not to, but she would end up sneaking it, which wouldn't be much better.
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:20 PM
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Thank you Soberwolf, Hopeful and Heartcore for your words of wisdom. I'm not ready to leave him, but know that it is a possibility if my sobriety is pushed to the brink of relapsing.

Heartcore, my husband does exactly what you mentioned in your post. He goes to a bar after work, then picks up a 6 pack on his way home and drinks it in the garage throughout the evening. Acts like I don't know he's doing it - what BS right?? I can't imagine him thinking I'm so ignorant and unaware of the smell of beer I his breath!! Especially an alcoholic in recovery! I found another six pack in his trunk the other day and threw it in a dumpster (after fighting back my AV to chug it all, then dump). He never said anything to me about it and I didn't bring it up.

All I know right now is that I have to do everything in my power to stay sober and stay away from people who are drinking- including my husband. I feel really good right now, but Friday night is approaching fast and I'm worried he will come home tonight after drinking and I have a plan to leave the house if that's the case.

I love this site and everyone on it - it has been remarkable to read everyone's stories and how they ring true for me in so many ways. I don't feel alone in this, which I'm soooo incredibly thankful for...
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:23 PM
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Stay strong tonight! Get that plan in place and stick to it!

XXX
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:24 PM
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Good to hear sobertoday.......everything in time big big hugs your very welcome
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