TerpGal

I am having a real hard time with this in Al Anon and CoDA. And I hate to bring up denominations, but it's such a huge part of my story, I have to. I don't feel good about God. I don't feel a sense of love we are supposed to get from God. I grew up with an abusive, hyper religious A father who used the church and God as a form of abuse. I was sent to Catholic school and was bullied so horribly there and my father refused to take me out, mocking "the girls are so mean to me". He constantly told us we were going to rot in hell or purgatory for all eternity for our many mortal sins which includeed everything, especially missing Mass on Sunday or holy days of obligation for any reason. If we didn't fast when we were supposed to, ate meat on Fridays, didn't please him, etc. He refused to let us take communion if we hadn't gone to confession yet. God was vengeful and was going to punish you. God was an abusive father. So now I realize I have to do this HP thing and I really don't know what to do about it. A loving God has simply never existed for me.

RAHs rehab was founded by a Catholic priest and they had a Mass the Sunday I was down for family weekend. I swore I thought I was going to burst into flames the second I walked in there, and sure lightning was going to strike me down having not gone to confession for at least 25 years, probably longer.

lillamy

So... here's one way of thinking of it:

How would your perfect parent look like? Someone who takes care of you, loves you, gives you what you need, gives you boundaries to keep you safe, and takes a bullet for you if necessary?

Forget the church. Forget everything you've been taught about God and what's sinful and eternal hell or glory.

Just think about -- what does perfect love look like for you? Because that's my image of God. I'm sure it's off by a mile or two, but still. The vengeful, punishing garbage -- we get enough of that in this life. God is not an abusive father but a perfect one. And I don't know if you can imagine that, having grown up with an abusive one?

My husband also grew up with an abusive father, and I asked him once how he could become such a loving, patient person. He said "Oh, any time I have an issue with the kids, I ask myself 'what would my father do?' and then I do the exact opposite."

So -- if you can imagine God as your GOOD father, he would pretty much be the exact opposite of your existing father. A good father loves you because you're his child. Not because of anything you do or don't do. A good father protects you from harm -- he doesn't inflict it. A good father encourages you to make choices that he knows are good for you. A good father praises you when you do good and comforts you when you've been an idiot.

I think if you can imagine someone loving you perfectly, that's the first step to understanding that you are worthy of loving that way. Just because you are. For no other reason.

SparkleKitty

I am an atheist who grew up with no religious background whatsoever. I have no negative connotation of "God", but I do accept that there is a lot in this universe that I will never understand. For me, the mystery of the unknown and unknowable has always served as a Higher Power. That, combined with a great faith in the ability of people to change, grow, and develop their own infinite capacity for love and acceptance.

I am very sorry about the experiences you have had around Catholicism and that particular idea of God. Perhaps there is "more on heaven and earth, Horatio, than is dreamt of in your philosophy." Which is Shakespeare's fancy way of saying that sometimes we have to look beyond the familiar to find something with greater meaning for us.

ResignedToWait

I guess I can add here...it's unfair to lump an entire religion into the category of what your father put you through...

If you do some searching, I bet you can find the congregation, denomination, or even just the single pastor/preacher/priest that helps you find peace in a HP.

Humans are humans, and what works for some, won't work for others...so find what works for you, and never give up looking for it. =)

MIRecovery

You are confusing spirituality with religion. Junk all of your previous conceptions and just acknowledge a power greater than yourself

AnvilheadII

my 2nd ex, who was very active in NA, was instructed by HIS sponsor to write an HP Want Ad as part of his Step Two work.

here are a series of questions on Step Two that might prove insightful and beneficial:

Came to believe that a power greater
than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

STEP TWO~QUESTIONS

1. Who, what, are/were your gods? (People, places and things)

2. If you had/have other "gods," do you agree that you might have harmed/be harming these people by placing them on such a high pedastal?

3. Do/did you need to write a "want ad" for a Higher Power?

4. What are some of the qualities on your list?

5. Do you still have gods other than your Higher Power?

6. How is Step 2 a process? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

7. What role does your religion play in your understanding of a Higher Power (please do not describe your religion or religious beliefs, rather just the overall role)?

8. What does/would it feel like to be restored to sanity?

9. Have you come or are you coming to believe in a Power Greater than Ourselves? What does that feel like?

10. Are there any other thoughts about Step 2 that you would like to share with the group?
© Copyright 2003 THE RECOVERY GROUP All rights reserved

maia1234

I am catholic but feel God hasn't been very fair to me.

I feel that someone has to be smarter and wiser then me and that's who I hand over my will too. Maybe one day I can pray to God again, but not today. So my higher power doesn't have a name, I just know that there is someone there and he wants the best for me. Some times I can't handle everything that I am given so he helps me out.

atalose

I also grew up being taught of a punishing god, a god to fear who wasn't very loving.

GUESS WHAT..............today I can have the God of my choosing, the one who is loving and forgiving.

It's my choice!!

NYCDoglvr

I'm almost 23 years sober in AA and half that in Alanon. I'm also an agnostic with a higher power that isn't God. The point is you pick your own higher power (in my case it's the collective consciousness of the rooms. 12 Step programs are broad enough that you can still work them effectively and not be religious.

schnappi99

A while back we had a "higher power" topic in my tues alanon meeting. Not "tell us about it" but "how has it related to your recovery". Many people reported their recovery involved the transformation of their concept of God from a wrathful angry judging deity to something more loving and supportive.

The nice thing about considerations of higher powers in the 12-step program is you choose for yourself- theres no need to automatically employ particular religion you were taught. This is something that a sponsor or a friend-in-program can really help with. Lots (most?) people in the 12-step regime grapple with the higher power concept, you're in good company. It might be this discomfort is the first step to unlearning childhood concepts of religion and faith you were abused with and creating new and healthier beliefs for yourself.

Eauchiche

I am deeply sorry for your suffering as a little girl. My church has done many things for which I am ashamed. Your Dad and the Catholic school presented you with a distorted, toxic version of "Catholicism."

Please enjoy the good thoughts, care and support of your fellow travelers on this website!

TerpGal

Please do not be sorry. They were all his distorted ideas about Catholicism. In fact, I NEVEF heard any of these things from a priest. He was his own pipe, cardinal and bishop.

0to60

I have never been able to adopt the religious teachings about God. When I came to the 12-Step program, I became quite skeptical about this issue. Thankfully, it was explained to me that I got to choose my Higher Power and I chose the power of unity expressed in my group. It has worked well for me as I never regret attending a meeting; I always learn something and come away inspired to work a better program of self-discovery.

Hawks

I read a book called "Sermon on the Mount" by Emmet Fox.

You can get a copy off Amazon, 2nd hand, for a few bucks.

That book changed my views on God so much, I went from card carrying, flag waving Atheist to a converted believer.

In it, he dissects the teachings of Jesus and compares it to organised religion. Catholicism in particular doesn't scrub up too well.

I can't quote exactly off the top of my head, but in a round sense... EF says "what new testament are these people reading??? "

A classic example would be the pope sitting on his ridiculous gold throne, wearing precious jewels versus Jesus saying " go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

It is absolutely no secret that the catholic Church is incredibly wealthy. Must have missed that part of Jesus teachings

for me, Mother Teresa epitomised the Christian message. She didn't miss any teachings.

Stung

I'm working on step 2 - basically just believing that there is a power/force greater than yourself - the step work book I read said I can consider my alanon group as a higher power because more heads are better than one. With that line of thinking I went hmmmm...yeah, there are lots of forces greater than me that can also help me when I cannot help myself. Doesn't need to be God. I hope that helps!

ru12

There are other paths to recovery that don't use 12-step spiritually. Perhaps one of those would suit you better.

desypete

for me i had to come to believe in a power greater than me that would help me.

i had a hard time trying to really understand what i could believe in until it was pointed out to me
my sponsor asked me why did i go to aa ? i told him because i needed help

so there was my hp
aa is my place i go for help with my alcoholism when i look around the rooms everyone else there is sober today thanks to them coming to aa in the first place so although they might have a different hp themselves it just futher backs up my own belief in what works for me

so if the rooms of al anon are a place you go for help then you have already gave in to a power greater than yourself for help

Hopeworks

My A father was just the opposite a mean, hateful, cruel atheist who mocked God and terrified Jehovah's Witnesses by parking them in the corner of the living room and then fetching his shotgun and leering at them with a Cheshire cat smile and inviting dialogue.
They put us on the no call list.

Anyway... we get all kinds of crazy distortions in our dysfunctional A upbringing. Discard EVERYTHING from an A! Its like going to crazy house for wisdom or counseling.

We are all on a spiritual journey and what we believe to be true about the universe and God is a personal and private decision.

You don't have to wear a denominational tag...that is not biblical anyway! I meandered my way through the religious buildings and denominations while searching the scriptures and seeking wise men and women along my journey. I know what I believe and that is God is looking for those looking for Him!

I prayed a simple prayer many years ago and asked God to help me find Him and the truth and He showed up and changed my life forever.

I should have asked him to take away my codependency issues I have since corrected that omission and life is good...very, very good now.

cookiesncream

Lots of great advice here and coming from "the other side" no great words of wisdom but wanted to let you know I certainly share them as do many. One book I've read recently which delves into these struggles a lot is "Lit" by Mary Karr. Someday if you have the time its well worth a read (or a listen which I do with audio books). Even though she's writing from an alcoholics perspective I think her struggles may well resonate with you. She's a wonderful writer and if for no other reason you may find camaraderie in knowing you are not alone.

Peace,

Cookies

CAPTAINZING2000

I've got a different attitude from the one growing up in the church.
As a Christian , my sins have been forgiven. Perhaps, the scare tactics worked for some at mass and other church services but, more emphasis should be placed on a loving God.

The older I've gotten, I've started saying prayers in the morning through out the day and a prayer of thanks at bed time.

I had to first forgive myself for my past. To me that is the key in healing.

My favorite prayer that's helped me as much as anything
Is saint Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

I say a prayer each and every day asking to be of service.

Always remember we are loved and we've been forgiven