scheherazade

Hey guys,

Still doing really well. Happy and healthy and working. I just have this one thing.

I've gone no contact with my ex, who I know now has left school (since we went to the same one). I'm heartsick for him. From his behaviour when we were together though, I know he's probably back on heroin, sleeping around, getting drunk and generally engaging in self-destructive behaviour in a frantic effort to avoid pain.

Here's the thing - once I learned to let his behaviour stop hurting me, and stop taking it personally...it hurts to know he's hurting. I love him - I'm not in love with him anymore, and I don't want to be with him. But I do care about him, and will, and it makes me heartsick to know he's in pain and that I've abandoned him.

I'm not here thinking he's missing me or even thinking about me, and I don't want him to be, because I do know he genuinely cared about me and that would be hurting him. I don't want him to be hurt. I just want him to be better. Is this normal? When does this part go away? I feel like I've healed, but when does my heart stop hurting for him?

AnvilheadII

he may be in pain....but it's HIS pain. and instead of finding ways to release it, he holds it ever tighter. which is why he returns time and again to drugs. he's basically the sick person sitting in the parking lot of the hospital refusing to walk in the doors of the ER. HELP is right there.....he refuses to TAKE THE STEPS necessary.

and you did not ABANDON him!!! why does everyone say that when they break up with someone? you broke up, people DO that. all the time. to abandon would be to drop him in the jungles of Argentina wearing nothing but a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. and if he's up to what you suspect, getting high, getting laid, getting drunk - i don't think that sounds like someone who FEELS abandoned. or if so, he's doing a fine job of finding his own company.

so you care and you ask God or the Universe to smile gently upon him and you live and let live.

atalose

I know for me, that feeling of abandonment was my codependency talking. Those voices and that feeling went away when I truely focused on MY recovery. And as Andvilhead said, it's a break up, nothing more, unless we keep convincing ourselves it is.

zoso77

Kiddo...let's play this out. If you had stayed, by your own admission, he'd be behaving the same way he's behaving now:

Step back for a moment. If this is his baseline behavior, then you have every right to not want him as a romantic partner. That is not abandonment. What you did was an act of self preservation, and believe it or not an act of compassion. If you had stayed, not only would you continue to be hurt by watching someone you care about slowly kill himself, you would have sent him the wrong message when you knew he wasn't good for you. By detaching from him and the madness, you were honest with him.

Your heart's your heart. It will heal when it heals. But don't tell yourself you abandoned him. That's simply not true.

Txhelp

He abandoned you the moment he picked up.

Good to hear you are well and moving forward.

CaringScared

You didn't abandon him, you took steps to protect yourself.

I left my boyfriend because the pain of being left behind while he went chasing drugs just got to be too great, and because seeing what he was doing to himself (the health consequnces--becoming emaciated, etc.), that was too painful too. I knew things could only get worse. It has been since late August since I finally left, but we still talk several times a week. He has seemed anguished, but I had to gently draw the line, and let him know that when he disappeared on me, I felt lonely; when he got sick, I felt worried. Just the drugs, W. I love YOU very much. What can I do to help. He seemed pretty defeated by all that and defeated all round, but I sensed no strong impetus to stop.

What finally happened was that the caretaker he was living with got tired of it and kicked him out. He was homeless for two days, then he wound up checking himself into a detox. He called us all to let us know. It's been a few days now.

I don't really believe in tough love and I hope not everyone has to reach bottom. I was completely anguished to leave him, but I knew in my heart I couldn't go back. If I let him know why and I let him know I love him, how is it abandoning him? That's what I told myself.

I didn't plan it in order to manipulate him into getting help. Nor did anyone have the idea that kicking him out from the apartment was going to make him get help. Perhaps, perhaps, it will all have awoken something in him. Or not. Maybe it will take years. One thing I think these days is that if a loved one has this disease, you had best be patient. It isn't necessarily going to resolve itself overnight. Therefore, don't waste your own time. It doesn't really help your loved one at all if you are sick yourself. A wise person said that only peace teaches peace. I cling to that. Sometimes it's really hard. I haven't abandoned him because I pray for him every single day. I am doing what is in my power to help him and right now that's what it is.

irisgardens

Great thread and thank you...as an ACOA--I have had to learn to stand in my own self...and it has been and is a long journey...continuing to the end of my life. As I found peace and happiness working my ACOA program, I learned that addiction is generous and shows up in children and other LO's. As I read this, I realized that I have always, as scherezade said talked about that being me abandoning them...but then I wondered (for several specific people) why they ultimately or immediately broke contact when it wasn't me being the 'helper' and the 'caretaker' in their times of problems...but asking for their contact and support. This helped me today to realize, once again, and more generally rather than towards specific relationships that when addicts choose to use...it is that act that is the abandonment...whether alcohol or drugs...and that my own challenge is to work my recovery program, to continue working it, to be here and in alanon/naranon meetings as much as I can (overcoming resistance sometimes and sometimes not), and just praying and meditating and being grateful for the good things that are...no matter what. I am realizing that for the first time in many many years of recovery...I am doing this for me...and although I am anxious to the core and taking steps in life struggles that scare me...I am healthy, and I am holding some boundaries and that is a start. I am grateful for this thread...thank you.