snowbunting

So I relapsed last week, and have drunk heavily three times since. I believe I hit a new low last night - I got drunk, went to a strangers house after closing time, and took cocaine. I'd never done drugs before. The horrible reality of having taken an illegal drug with a bunch of strangers is really hitting me, as is the physical pain of having been doing gymnastics in someones living room until 5am while high, having an extreme hangover, and feeling incredible levels of shame and embarrassment and self-digust.

I accept that I need more support that I've been getting to help me quit, and am ready to try AA, but I have reservations about it that have always stopped me in the past. My nearest town has two meetings a week, and my husband has offered to drive me to the next one. I'm worried that everyone there will be old, male and intrusive towards me, but I'm keeping an open mind for now.

My reservations are with the God stuff from Step 3 onwards. I feel like if I can't agree with AA's notion of God (an omnipotent male God to whom we must submit), I can't do the programme. I know that Step 2 involves 'coming to believe in a Higher Power', and I know that people say this can be interpreted any way you want. But if so, why does Step 3 immediately call this power Him, and go on to refer to 'Him' in what seems to be a quite straightfoward Judeo-Christian way? My Higher Power would be akin to Mother Nature, and I feel this is not allowed because the next line says 'Him', and lays out a very hierarchical, authoritative understanding of spirituality.

I've always had a problem with this, it is the main reason I haven't tried AA yet. I want the fellowship and security many of you say you've found in AA, but I need to be true to myself too - addiction makes me lie to myself, and I don't want the solution to addiction to involve lying to myself too.

I'm assuming AA meetings would not welcome or encourage debate about the steps, and that my role would be to just accept what I'm being told. This worries me.

PurpleKnight

Try it out, until you've been to a meeting you'll not know if it's right for you or not, but the main thing is to try something new as the alternative was getting hammered until 5am the other night!!

You can turn this around, but trying something new like AA may just be the key to it all!!

Anna

I don't use AA, but I do know that there are people who do not believe in God, but who use AA. If you think it will work, go for it.

snowbunting

That's what I'm hoping for, and I willing to try, but these questions won't go away. I've read bits of the Big Book and, while there are things I relate to of course, the whole thing seems very male-centred - by men, for men, with a male disease, and a male God. Of course I'm going to try it, but I want to understand it more, and find a way to deal with these doubts (not just push them out of my head).

snowbunting

Thanks Anna. I guess I just don't understand how they can do the steps without believing in God? It seems like God is the main philosophical premise on which everything else hangs?

I would like to try a less religiose progamme, but the fact that they're so much smaller means there aren't any where I live, and I need the interaction and accountability.

luvmygirls

Hi there, and welcome! This is just my two cents, but I would slow down a little bit. There are a lot of programs, and AA is one of them. However, I think the important thing is that you decide to stop drinking and make a commitment to work on your sobriety. Do you think you can get through today without drinking? That would be an amazing start. You can also read and post here (that's what I've been doing for the past few weeks while I am figuring out my next steps). In any case, I'm glad you posted! You will find a lot of understanding and support here.

Mrrryah1

Hey. I am anti-religious - have been my entire life.

Great thing about AA is it requires you to find a "higher power" which works for you.

Higher power doesn't mean god. Higher power can be - a creative intelligence, spirit of the universe, underlying morality, higher conciousness,

It can be a friend or relative who has passed on.

It can be a group of people - some people use the acronym "GOD' meaning "Group of Drunks" and they use the AA group as their higher power/support.

For goodness sake - it could be a chair if you wanted it to be, lol.

Try to keep an open mind. I've been anti-religious, even anti-spiritual anything my entire life. AA doesn't require you to believe in anything. Many people use the word "god" beacuse it's easier than saying "higher power" in AA - but everybody's conception of a higher power is unique - their own. Nobody questions your belief or tells you what to believe.

AA has worked for millions of alcoholics. Please give it a try. Let us know how it goes!!

snowbunting

Hi Josharon, thanks. I can definitely make it today without drinking (I just have), and tomorrow, and the next day. I'm a cyclical binge drinker, so my drinking has usually taken two and three day breaks each time. Before I relapsed last week, I had 17 days and was feeling better. Then I was badly triggered and, though I'd survived a couple of triggers in that time, I fell down. This is getting old - I come on here, join a class, but it's never enough and I always backslide. I've accepted I need some outside support, as well as the great support available here.

snowbunting

I will give it a try, and thanks for replying. I've heard this said a few times, that you don't have to believe in God / it can be anything you want. It just confuses me, because it seems to directly contradict the language the twelve steps actually use. I really want to see it the way you do, honestly. I just don't understand how more people don't acknowledge the contradiction I guess.

heath480

I would advise going to a meeting and then deciding if AA is for you.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.It dosen't matter at all if you don't believe in God.

You can call your local AA helpline and talk to someone before you go.

gracetuesday

I agree with the others. Try it, and see what you think! I am a female, and I can tell you that there are men & women of many different ages - and I have yet to feel anyone being intrusive towards me.

What I found was a group of people who - just like me - knew what it was like not to be able to stop drinking despite the fact that it was killing me. What I find now, are people on a common journey of trying to change their lives. That is the purpose of the steps - not some compliance exercise - but rather finding a way to live without using the drink as a coping tool.

As someone else said - the ONLY requirement is a desire to stop drinking - that is all....

I wish you the best!

anattaboy

I'm a non-theist and go to AA sometimes. The only thing you have to believe in is yourself and if you can't do that then the group will. Don't let your addiction talk you out of a good opportunity.

Eddiebuckle

The third step says:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Yes, the big book was definitely written by folks who come from an old school Judeo Christian outlook, but they definitely did not dictate what anyone else had to believe. This is what made AA so radical. Turn your will and life over to whatever concept you have of the Divine.

Personally, I found that my preconceived notion of God when I reached bottom was a problem. By defining God, I was limiting her to what I could imagine, which turned out to be far less than what I needed and was available to me.

Don't obsess about the details, just get to work. If you honestly work the spiritual principles of the steps, you will find your higher power. The principles:

1. Honesty/acceptance
2. Hope
3. Faith
4. Courage
5. Integrity
6. Willingness
7. Humility
8. Justice/Brotherly Love
9. Self Discipline
10. Perserverence
11. Awareness/Spirituality
12. Service

Good luck!

Dee74

There are some good suggestions here, snowbunting

If you're in the rapids and going down for the third time I'd be willing to try any tree branch I can grab and hope it holds my weight, y'know?

There are other groups you can look into as well as AA like SMART and LifeRing...if they don't have meetings near you there do have online meetings and an online presence.

You may also like to check out Women For Sobriety (WFS) online

D

MIRecovery

Going to an AA meeting is not some sort of contractual commitment. I can say this. The longer I am in AA the less I understand it but I do know it saved my life

RobbyRobot

Hi snowbunting.

You're quite correct discussing progress with the steps as a debate is not useful in AA meetings, even in step meetings such discussions are squarely positive. That said, a sponsor who has completed the program as an agnostic would not be uncomfortable with such discussions in more private settings like a coffee shop or home settings.

I'm an agnostic when it comes to the AA steps and program. I'm happy enough with my results over the years. I've enjoyed many such discussions with many others. Just not at official proper public meetings.

As an agnostic, or an atheist, you can absolutely have great success in AA, and enjoy the fellowship to boot while you do an authentic program no matter how you feel about GOD.

Soberpotamus

Snowbunting, I want to recommend a book that might help you decide if working the Steps is something you can do being a non-theist (I'm assuming you are, but I could've misread). First, the book that has helped me the most with understanding the 12 Steps from a neutral sort of interpretation is A Woman's Way through the Twelve Steps by Stephanie Covington. She is buddhist as well, and so she weaves in that philosophy. The other book is called Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power by Marya Hornbacher.

Both of these together have been so extremely helpful for me to wrap my head around what everyone refers to as the meat of the program, the steps. I don't even go to meetings anymore, but I've worked through the Steps with these books and feel like a load was lifted, and that I'm developing a new perspective on life, along with my daily meditations.

I'm agnostic atheist and have been able to be ok with AA as I've understood it with the help of these two authors.

Soberpotamus

There's a website I visit daily that does in fact acknowledge the contradictions, and it's like one big amazing discussion. It's been so helpful for me. I doubt I'd still be working the Steps at all if it weren't for AAAgnostica.

awuh1

This quality of honesty will serve you well. Don't ever set it aside in favor of something more convenient. Your on the right track.

IMO, now you need to gather an equal amount of open-mindedness and courage. Set aside your judgment of things you do not fully understand. AA is typically much different than people think it is, until they get to know it. That takes some time and experience. That experience, in turn, takes some courage to acquire.

Never compromise that very fine quality of honesty that you obviously have. Just be open to learn something new.

Tamerua

All I know is that there are powers greater than I am, the universe, nature, the good in people. That is what I think of when I hear people in the program talk about god. And that is for me only, no one has to agree with me and I don't have to agree with anyone else's conception. And I've been able to stick to it. I wouldn't have been able to do this without the program and the steps.

Give it a try! What do you have to lose?