support needed
learning to live
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
support needed
Hello everyone!
I need support and lots of it! I relapsed awhile back (Julyish). I have been dealing with the obsession since then. I am right smack dab where I always end up. I could have rewrote my first ever thread here!!!
I have three spouts of sobriety in these last 2 years; 70, 98, and 22 days. In the past two years I have been able to go a couple weeks/couple days here and there as well. The first 10 years of my drinking career was every single day alcoholic drinking where I could not even get one day under my belt and was afraid I would just die from this disease. Alcoholism will always own me but I feel like it's winning less and less. Anyway, guess what I am trying to say here is I feel like I am getting closer to recovery. I have learned so much in the past 2 years about myself and sobriety.
One thing that I do know is I need a HUGE support system of people that can relate to me. I have a supportive family and a few friends but I think I have gotten to the point of being a broken record. I don't blame them as my words have not matched my actions in getting sober MANY times. Along with SR I am debating going back to AA. I know researching my disease helps too. Also I need reminders when the memories fade of how bad I can get. I keep a journal SO I NEED to reference that daily, I guess. I need to learn what to do when a hard craving hits. Eating helps, walk, gym.... HELP?!?! lol I have researched Rational Recovery/AVRT, attended AA religiously, and even went to a couple SMART meetings. At this point it is all really overwhelming me.
Right now I am focused on day 1 when 5 PM rolls around and my skin starts to crawl. I have woke up these past several mornings with such a healthy appetite to quit but when 5 rolls around BOOM I just fail then wake right back up where I am today. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, instead of that today I will come here until I fall asleep.
I need to remember then as well that I will not be a productive person if I drink. I will be lazy tomorrow and feeling the same exact way I do now if I drink tonight. The first 4-5 days are going to be hard but will be so worth it once I am past them. If I do not drink I can be better for my family, make it to the gym, be healthier, more spiritual and my self esteem wont be so low. I wont be able to be the person I am meant to be with any alcohol any where in the equation in my life. One day leads to MANY.
NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!! Ugh I am SO sick of this messsssss NOTHING CHANGES IS NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!
I need support and lots of it! I relapsed awhile back (Julyish). I have been dealing with the obsession since then. I am right smack dab where I always end up. I could have rewrote my first ever thread here!!!
I have three spouts of sobriety in these last 2 years; 70, 98, and 22 days. In the past two years I have been able to go a couple weeks/couple days here and there as well. The first 10 years of my drinking career was every single day alcoholic drinking where I could not even get one day under my belt and was afraid I would just die from this disease. Alcoholism will always own me but I feel like it's winning less and less. Anyway, guess what I am trying to say here is I feel like I am getting closer to recovery. I have learned so much in the past 2 years about myself and sobriety.
One thing that I do know is I need a HUGE support system of people that can relate to me. I have a supportive family and a few friends but I think I have gotten to the point of being a broken record. I don't blame them as my words have not matched my actions in getting sober MANY times. Along with SR I am debating going back to AA. I know researching my disease helps too. Also I need reminders when the memories fade of how bad I can get. I keep a journal SO I NEED to reference that daily, I guess. I need to learn what to do when a hard craving hits. Eating helps, walk, gym.... HELP?!?! lol I have researched Rational Recovery/AVRT, attended AA religiously, and even went to a couple SMART meetings. At this point it is all really overwhelming me.
Right now I am focused on day 1 when 5 PM rolls around and my skin starts to crawl. I have woke up these past several mornings with such a healthy appetite to quit but when 5 rolls around BOOM I just fail then wake right back up where I am today. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So, instead of that today I will come here until I fall asleep.
I need to remember then as well that I will not be a productive person if I drink. I will be lazy tomorrow and feeling the same exact way I do now if I drink tonight. The first 4-5 days are going to be hard but will be so worth it once I am past them. If I do not drink I can be better for my family, make it to the gym, be healthier, more spiritual and my self esteem wont be so low. I wont be able to be the person I am meant to be with any alcohol any where in the equation in my life. One day leads to MANY.
NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!! Ugh I am SO sick of this messsssss NOTHING CHANGES IS NOTHING CHANGES!!!!!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Yes, the first days will be hard, but recognizing that 5pm is a tough time for you is a good start. And, planning to be here, or doing something different at 5pm, is also a good start. It really helps to shake up the daily routine in early recovery, I think.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
stop debating and just go to AA.
read the Big Book.
Just do it... you're so close... you know what you want and need... let go of your resistance and accept the help and community and experience, strength and hope.
It will help. You don't have to 'convert to AA'. You don't have to go forever. You won't be labeled or found out or taunted or a failure or broken...
It will give you a community of understanding, real-life people to relate to and with. It will give you more tools and insight and strength. You need to make a break that shifts things - once and for all. What's to debate?
Anyway, you can do this. We're here for ya too.
read the Big Book.
Just do it... you're so close... you know what you want and need... let go of your resistance and accept the help and community and experience, strength and hope.
It will help. You don't have to 'convert to AA'. You don't have to go forever. You won't be labeled or found out or taunted or a failure or broken...
It will give you a community of understanding, real-life people to relate to and with. It will give you more tools and insight and strength. You need to make a break that shifts things - once and for all. What's to debate?
Anyway, you can do this. We're here for ya too.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Hi growpath, and welcome. I know that feeling of skin-crawling at 5 (more recently, it was often much earlier). It sounds like you've tried a lot of things, but always come back to drinking...do you have any insight about what happened this time? Take care and welcome back. We are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
Welcome back, growthpath. You don't have to worry about being a broken record here; we are here for you.
Are you able to change your 5 pm routine - go the gym, take a walk, visit a sober friend . . . . don't forget, SR is 24/7 and there is always someone here.
Are you able to change your 5 pm routine - go the gym, take a walk, visit a sober friend . . . . don't forget, SR is 24/7 and there is always someone here.
learning to live
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Hi guys and thanks for the responses.
Josharon - This last time I got the same "I don't really have a problem state of mind" Or I think I can just go a couple days drinking and jump back to sobriety. Then, boom. Every time I can't! My addicted mind convinces me I am "just overeating" or I am too hard on myself etc. I have a hard time remembering how bad it was at around 60 days. My mind is my own worse enemy. It never stops thinking about alcohol. I want so badly to be a better person and can not do anything beneficial for myself mentally nor physically when drinking. Even if I do have a rare (I can keep it under control night where I am not hung over the next day). I think I am allergic to it. I have a very addictive personality with every thing I do!
Free - You are right I do need to go to AA. But sometimes I think it works against me cause I look around and say to myself "well I am not that bad" then I think I still got a few years left in me. But in reality I know if I keep it up I will be that way. I am young in my lower 30's so I always say maybe I am not ready YET. It is so stupid and things are just so much easier when I am not drinking. I make every single thing in my life so dang complicated!! The steps would enable me to be a better person and probably handle life a lot better. Ugh! I tell you!!! I am a mess! I am not going to drink though. I just cant!
yes, Anna I will be here doing whatever changes I can when my skin starts crawling tonight
I feel pretty helpless at this point I swear! I feel like crying and screaming all at once!
Josharon - This last time I got the same "I don't really have a problem state of mind" Or I think I can just go a couple days drinking and jump back to sobriety. Then, boom. Every time I can't! My addicted mind convinces me I am "just overeating" or I am too hard on myself etc. I have a hard time remembering how bad it was at around 60 days. My mind is my own worse enemy. It never stops thinking about alcohol. I want so badly to be a better person and can not do anything beneficial for myself mentally nor physically when drinking. Even if I do have a rare (I can keep it under control night where I am not hung over the next day). I think I am allergic to it. I have a very addictive personality with every thing I do!
Free - You are right I do need to go to AA. But sometimes I think it works against me cause I look around and say to myself "well I am not that bad" then I think I still got a few years left in me. But in reality I know if I keep it up I will be that way. I am young in my lower 30's so I always say maybe I am not ready YET. It is so stupid and things are just so much easier when I am not drinking. I make every single thing in my life so dang complicated!! The steps would enable me to be a better person and probably handle life a lot better. Ugh! I tell you!!! I am a mess! I am not going to drink though. I just cant!
yes, Anna I will be here doing whatever changes I can when my skin starts crawling tonight
I feel pretty helpless at this point I swear! I feel like crying and screaming all at once!
learning to live
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Well the urges and the voices did indeed start like clockwork but I am staying committed. I know if I drink tonight I will feel the same tomorrow. Drinking is not an option! Going to dinner with a friend who knows my goal of sobriety & to a place that does not serve alcohol soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello: you say you "know alcoholism will always own you". That's your AV talking! It will own you if you let it. You can do this. Like everything worth something, it will be hard but it will be worth it. SR is 24 hour support.
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