Blossom717

Okay so I could use any advice/experiences with the above!

We have a mediation date set for 10/16. Court is 12/12. I have to take a "parenting seminar" so I scheduled one for 10/18. I received a letter from dd's guardian et litem to call and we've been playing phone tag. I think he's already talked to xabf, since he texted me asking if I've talked to the guy.

So I am trying to go into mediation prepared as best as I can. I've never been to one so I don't know exactly what to expect. I have written up 3 possible schedules that I will agree to with conditions.

#1 - every other weekend visits from 10 am to 7 pm, no over nights. Wednesday night visits from 5:30 to 7. Regular drug testing and agreeing to not consume alcohol during visits.

#2 - Every other weekend visits from Saturday 10 am to Sunday 7pm with Wednesday night visits 5:30 to 7. Under the condition of regular drug testing and soberlink.

#3 - this is my last resort, otherwise we will go to court. Every other weekend from Friday 5pm to Sunday afternoon and Wednesday night 5:30 to 7. This will only be if with regular drug testing and soberlink, I will only bring this one to the table if the other 2 aren't something we can work with.


I have printed out information about soberlink since I don't know if its something well known in VA. XABF will most definitely flip, and I'm sure he will want me to have the same conditions which is of course fine.

What else should I have for mediation? My lawyer suggested to save my documentation for court if he doesn't agree to my suggestions. Should I show her daily schedule?

Also, what about the guardian et litem? What should I expect? I know he is not my lawyer or xabfs, but dds which is great. I want him to have her best interests at heart and hers only. (I'm nervous about him because the one my brother and I had was awful and 1. wouldn't even talk to me and 2.sent my brother to live with our abusive/addict dad.)


Thank you in advance!

lillamy

I think I would fight and fight hard for #1, no overnights. With the experience I've had, I might go to court if I couldn't get that. But that's just my opinion.

I know that in negotiations, you should always go in with an absolute "must have" and then have things with you that you can "give in" on. It looks good if you "give in" on something and it makes the other party more likely to feel like they can give in on something without losing face.

I'm not sure how that would look in this case though?

Florence

The mediators? It depends on the mediator. The mediator's job is not to decide who is right and who is wrong, it's to mediate, so you need to go into mediation with a clear picture of what you WILL and WILL NOT allow. My advice is to offer the strictest arrangement up front so you have something to concede. Remember, to date, you're only allowing your daughter to see him while supervised. Why in the world would you change that?

Does your state have legal guidelines? I'm from Indiana and there is an "Indiana State Guidelines" that dictates minimum visitation in 100% NORMAL circumstances.

Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines

Having been through this, I will say that unless you are confident that your ex is sober, I wouldn't offer extended visits or unsupervised visits anywhere along the every other weekend, half the summer standard, until HE can PROVE that he is a capable and engaged sober parent. You are both able to present your reasoning to the GAL.

My stance was this. If he disagreed with me at all, we got a GAL.

I know that the GALs in my area are good, really good.

I showed up to the GAL with 20 pages of incidents and conversations my ex and I had about his lack of sobriety. The GAL submitted more questions, and I submitted another 20 pages in response. My ex had no arrests or convictions related to alcohol or drug abuse, mostly because his dad was a cop, who made them go away. But I had years of emails between me and his family, and texts and just documents I'd drawn up with a general timeline of the biggest incidents. In the end, my ex was ordered to follow the GAL's recommendations for 6 weeks, and if he could meet the standards, he would be eligible to get his unsupervised visitation. It was a gamble. The GAL required XAH to show that he was attending counseling, looking for a job, in treatment with his psych, and remaining sober. I was livid, because six weeks is nothing, but two weeks in, I got a letter from the GAL confirming that my ex was removed from counseling because he refused to take a drug test, even after the counselor refused payment so XAH could afford the drug test.

With that, our prior arrangement stood. Every other weekend, standard holiday trades, 100% supervision in his parents' home, no extended vacations.

I guess what you have to do in the custody hearings is have confidence that a tiger always shows his stripes. Get strategic, and play a little chess. Do you think your ex could pass a drug test? No. Can you? Yes. Insist on them -- insist on them for six weeks, to show a pattern of illegal drug use/sobriety on his part and innocence on yours. Is your ex an admitted alcoholic? Use that. Does he have court records? Abuse records? Evictions? DUIs? Anything along those lines? Use them. When your cars were rifled through? Talk about it. Nothing is off the table. Do not leave things out because you're worried about playing fair. You need to show that your ex is exactly who he is, which is a scary, active addict, who uses his time with your daughter to get back at you for leaving him.

Florence

Another thing: What are you doing for yourself to deal with this? You're going to want to show the GAL that you are employed and have a safe and stable home, that you are aware that this situation is unhealthy, and take responsibility for your part in it, no matter what it is. You should be able to show a pattern of proactivity and the ability to get it done.

If not, or if you're on your way, present your plan to do so, and what you want life to look like in 2-5 years.

Whatever the GAL asks you, fit in what you want to GAL to know about you, your ex, and how his behaviors affected you and your daughter. Suicide attempts, abusive nights, nights you had to leave, things he did and said with your daughter that were inappropriate or abusive, and so forth. If you've got a checkered past (I sure do), own it.

isitme

Thanks for asking this question Blossom.. it'll help me prepare too.

Florence

FYI, I've been through this myself twice, and I'm a trained CASA, which is a volunteer GAL. Your results will depend largely on who you get and what their priorities are, but going in there with a clear picture of the scene and everyone's role in it -- and the ability to articulate your "case" -- will yeild you best possible results. If you walk in there and are a mess of tears and/or a ball of anger, it will be hard to negotiate or reason, so build yourself up and walk in there with a lot of pre-prepared paper.

Blossom717

Thank you! I might revise it and just go with the non-overnight visits, and if he can't agree to that then we will go to court. I would prefer them supervised, especially with the fact that the holidays are coming up.

Thank you also for reminding me of some of the events that happened leading up to me leaving, I have a bad habit of disassociating with them. I do have the major events written down, but once I do I put them out of my head. I will print out texts that I have from him too where he has tried to get me to sneak him beer into the hospital. and admitting he has a drinking problem.

He doesn't have a recent criminal record, he did get a dui but it was around 8 years ago I think. He does however have extensive medical records from going to the ER for Pancreatitis. One of them he was actually drunk during. I'm assuming that if the GAL feels the need that they can look into that?

I'm by no means perfect, I know he will bring up the handful (like 4 times) I had a girls night out since having DD. I know he will bring up my medications. I have an inkling that he will accuse me of things that I don't do. I did smoke pot with him 2 years ago on a vacation after dd was asleep. I definitely make mistakes.

Florence

Map it all out and get it into a general timeline format for the GAL. Include it all. Your job is to establish clearer patterns of behavior.

If that's all, just explain it for what it is. For me, I used to smoke pot as a young person, but I was never a heavy user, I don't like it or do it now, and I'm happy to be drug tested. Drinking? I was always up for debauchery, but when it got in the way of my family, the party was over. Medications -- unless you abuse them, you're fine. Are you under psych treatment? If so, just be able to show you're compliant with the treatment plan. Girls nights out? That's normal mom behavior. Women get to go out alone sometimes, and that's a-okay. You're not having someone bring you beer to the hospital while you have pancreatitis.

When I compiled all this stuff, I was shocked that so much had happened and a) I stayed, and b) our families kept encouraging me to stay. Putting it together helped cement to me that I was doing the right thing, that I couldn't listen to anyone else in the family about it, and that as long as my XAH was unable to show long-term compliance with his addiction and mental health treatment plan, there was no way I would willingly allow him to have my toddler daughter alone for any length of time.

PM me if you want some more specific help -- unfortunately I have a lot of experience on both sides of this.

theuncertainty

Here's my view: the visits are currently supervised. And there is a valid reason why you're supervising them. I'd start out with your scenario #1 with that added in.

Depending on where you live, it might be a professional service may be required to provide supervision, or it could be handled by some one you mutually agree to (his family?). If it's family, I'd ask for a requirement that the family is supposed to report to the court if he drinks. I didn't ask for it in my case, but the court ordered it. They didn't report AXH's behavior but it came to light anyway, and now, if AXH tries to get his visits with DS back, I can request professional monitoring.

Then, if you're willing to forgo the supervision as long as he agrees to regular testing, it could be a point you can step back to.

The other item you can lean back on if he's refusing the supervision or testing clause is that you might be willing to revisit the arrangement when 1. your kiddo is older and 2. a certain amount of time has passed with AXH abiding by all of the terms of the plan. And the revisit would be an agreement to re-evaluate and re-negotiate, not that you'd set anything up NOW for that possibility.

None of us are perfect. If he brings up the pot incident, don't down play it, but you can point out that it's been 2 years since you've smoked. If he makes a big deal out of it, you can offer to submit to testing also to prove you're not using anything.

If he brings up your medications, you can confirm that they're prescribed and that you're taking it as directed and regularly monitored by your doctor (i.e. only refilled as expected, routine dr. visits, etc.). The court should not fault you for following Dr.'s orders.

((((hugs))) You're doing awesome!

Blossom717

Her GAL just called, he is coming next week to meet with her. Is it bad if I feel like I'm going to have a minor panic attack? There is nothing bad in my mom's house, but the carport has a lot of stuff on it from her interior design business (furniture).

I don't typically drink, maybe 1 glass of wine every now and then. I did drink at my sister in law's bachelorette party but we spent the night in a hotel, no driving.

Is it normal to doubt yourself right now? I know I'm a good mom but will her GAL see that? I'm sure exabf has cleaned out his moonshine still, drugs and other dangers. Will he see through him?

Blossom717

Also - Would the pictures/videos of him smoking pot and drinking and his moonshine still be something I bring up?

Florence

Start preparing now. Whatever paper and pictures you present to him becomes official record.

Don't worry about the carport or the occasional glass of wine. Is she safe? Are your mom and her BF safe? Do they have addiction issues? How's your job? Think: Safety, Sobriety, Dependability, Routine, Education, Good Priorities. S/he will be looking to make sure she is clean and lives in a clean environment, that she has toys and books, a safe place to sleep, etc.

Are you in counseling? It was a lifesaver for me during both processes to have a neutral someone to turn to to help me decide what was unnecessary anxiety, and how to solve the issues that actually merited my attention.

theuncertainty

Deep breath. You are a wonderful mom! I remember worrying about stuff like that, too. Every little thing that AXH ever said I'd done wrong was amplified in my mind and was a reason to worry: that maybe he was right, maybe I was seeing it all wrong and HE was the one with a clear idea.

OK, "worry" is an understatement. I was terrified that the judge would listen to AXH and agree that I was a horrid mother because I ____ (insert any one of AXH's put-downs here). But even without coming right out and saying, "I think of DS and how this affects him," how I talked about him and the proposed arrangements, and reasons behind them, showed that. The GAL and the court with your case will see it, too.

I didn't really believe that when I was going through my divorce. However, in his closing remarks, the judge said something like:
TU is the principal person to meet DS's needs; she always has been. They both love DS. I don't have anything about the comparative strengths of their love.... Obviously, TU walks the walk, and so her love is acted out in the day to day. It's palpable. She's all about DS. AXH also loves DS but he has competing demands. He makes the choice.

So, I believe they'll see it in your case to. (I see it in your posts.)

((((hugs))))

lillamy

Absolutely. Just try to relax and be yourself. My ex sent CPS after me three times -- every time with hilarious accusations -- and no matter how much I knew his accusations were ludicrous and would never be substantiated, it is scary to have someone from a government agency come to your home. It's natural that you're worried -- but don't be. She won't be coming to check out what's in the car port, she'll be coming to talk to your daughter. (((hugs)))

Bluegalangal

This is super good advice. Also be prepared for the things you will hear from the other side of the table (just when you think he can't hurt you any more, he will). In our first mediation session I learned that he had really lied to me about the amount of money he was getting, and squirrelling away, in bonuses. In tens of thousands of dollars. I knew he lied, that wasn't a revelation, but it shocked me so much that it was so much, and so recently, that I had to end the session - I simply wasn't able to take anything more in until I got away from him and dealt with it.