Day One Again - The Curse of Being "Functional"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Wildwood, MO
Posts: 1
Day One Again - The Curse of Being "Functional"
It's the morning of day one again. Somehow I believe that since I hold a pretty good job and can meet life's "have to do" obligations, it's OK for me to do whatever I have to do to "unwind".
I keep my drinking well hidden. Wife thinks I stopped 14 years ago. Never at home. Don't even keep it in the house. I stop and binge on the way home. Always beer, as I have a good "handle" on how it affects me, and there is a limit to how much you can impair yourself with it in a limited amount of time.
Still, I can pound 6 to 10 beers pretty darn fast. Go home, can be "buzzed" functional for awhile, then go watch TV/pass out around 10:30, which isn't too out of line for how early I get up. Usually wake up around 3:20 a.m. with a panic attack.
Even with the "functionality", it has done a lot of damage. My family sees me as cold and detached, which I am. In addition, drinking isn't free. The amount of our debt pretty roughly equals the amount of money I've spent on beer and disguising my drinking over the years.
It's become more a habit and lifestyle than any sort of triggers I can blame it on. Little to no drinking goes on around me in my life and there isn't anything all that bad going on. Alcoholism is rampant in my family of origin, but they really aren't involved in my life now.
I want to stop. I need to stop before it completely ruins my health and finances...or something worse like a DUI happens. I love how I feel when I don't drink and my sleep is fantastic when I have the occasional sober evening.
Need ideas for breaking the routine..
I keep my drinking well hidden. Wife thinks I stopped 14 years ago. Never at home. Don't even keep it in the house. I stop and binge on the way home. Always beer, as I have a good "handle" on how it affects me, and there is a limit to how much you can impair yourself with it in a limited amount of time.
Still, I can pound 6 to 10 beers pretty darn fast. Go home, can be "buzzed" functional for awhile, then go watch TV/pass out around 10:30, which isn't too out of line for how early I get up. Usually wake up around 3:20 a.m. with a panic attack.
Even with the "functionality", it has done a lot of damage. My family sees me as cold and detached, which I am. In addition, drinking isn't free. The amount of our debt pretty roughly equals the amount of money I've spent on beer and disguising my drinking over the years.
It's become more a habit and lifestyle than any sort of triggers I can blame it on. Little to no drinking goes on around me in my life and there isn't anything all that bad going on. Alcoholism is rampant in my family of origin, but they really aren't involved in my life now.
I want to stop. I need to stop before it completely ruins my health and finances...or something worse like a DUI happens. I love how I feel when I don't drink and my sleep is fantastic when I have the occasional sober evening.
Need ideas for breaking the routine..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Hi Stewie 
You'll find a lot of ideas here, it really depends on what you're prepared to do.
Most ideas are probably going to have to involve you breaking cover a little tho - whether its spending time here, addiction counselling or going to a meeting based recovery group.
Do you plan to come clean to your wife?
D
You'll find a lot of ideas here, it really depends on what you're prepared to do.
Most ideas are probably going to have to involve you breaking cover a little tho - whether its spending time here, addiction counselling or going to a meeting based recovery group.
Do you plan to come clean to your wife?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
I too was functional while drinking. Never drank before or during work, never during the day and always handled every obligation. The toll it took on me was not what people think of as being a traditional alcoholic. But I am an alcoholic and I needed to stop.
The waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks is probably withdrawal. I used to have that too.
Can you tell your wife about your drinking? This can create accountabliliity for you as well as support. Your wife probably knows anyways.
As for breaking the routine, I would start with coming straight home from work. You could try AA. Check in here daily. We certainly support you and will do what we can to help.
The waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks is probably withdrawal. I used to have that too.
Can you tell your wife about your drinking? This can create accountabliliity for you as well as support. Your wife probably knows anyways.
As for breaking the routine, I would start with coming straight home from work. You could try AA. Check in here daily. We certainly support you and will do what we can to help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Biggest lesson I learned here is that "functional" is merely a stage, not a destination. I used to pride myself on it as well. This addiction is cunningly deceptive in that way. Eventually & slyly it'll take you down another level. Look around here a bit and you'll find thousands of stories which prove that fact. Mainly though, just look around and find a spot. There are a gazillion resources here but you've got to do the work. It's hard but so, so, so worth it!
Welcome to the best decision you ever made. This site saved my life - it can yours too.
Welcome to the best decision you ever made. This site saved my life - it can yours too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Many of us who drink alcoholically have different routines and the fact is that if we are alcoholics it will get worse until your fears are realized and more. The simple answer is to stop drinking and observe how you handle it. If that’s very difficult perhaps there is a problem.
Be aware that alcohol is Powerful, Cunning and Baffling and works to keep us in it’s fold.
BE WELL
Many of us who drink alcoholically have different routines and the fact is that if we are alcoholics it will get worse until your fears are realized and more. The simple answer is to stop drinking and observe how you handle it. If that’s very difficult perhaps there is a problem.
Be aware that alcohol is Powerful, Cunning and Baffling and works to keep us in it’s fold.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
Stew,
The waking up in the night could be a two part, and probably more part problem. I have read here you wake up when you are "withdrawing" as was stated above. I have no doubt in my experience that is what it is. You can kind of count how many drinks you have had and when you have them and find out pretty close the time you will wake up with an anxiety attack.
The other part is living the lie about the drinking. This causes anxiety and it will come out. Not judging, just speaking from experience.
Another truth I have discovered is as Hearts says, functionality is not a destination but rather a stage. It gets worse, and you become less functional all the time as it takes away your will to be sober/productive.
Good luck, lots of information here and literally hundreds of people who have been in your shoes.
The waking up in the night could be a two part, and probably more part problem. I have read here you wake up when you are "withdrawing" as was stated above. I have no doubt in my experience that is what it is. You can kind of count how many drinks you have had and when you have them and find out pretty close the time you will wake up with an anxiety attack.
The other part is living the lie about the drinking. This causes anxiety and it will come out. Not judging, just speaking from experience.
Another truth I have discovered is as Hearts says, functionality is not a destination but rather a stage. It gets worse, and you become less functional all the time as it takes away your will to be sober/productive.
Good luck, lots of information here and literally hundreds of people who have been in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I thought I was OK drinking only in the evening after all of my work was finished for the day. No harm no foul right? And besides, I needed a reward for the hard work all day. So I too called myself a "functional" and that label was dangerous for me. It gave me a pass. I justified drinking by saying to myself, " at least I'm not ...on the streets, in jail, driving drunk, etc. But in the end I realized that I was addicted. Functional addiction is still addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Functional is a big lie.
Your wife likely suspects, if not knows outright.
Best way to break the cycle; get honest. With yourself AND your wife.
Own up, stop hiding, get to AA at least as a way to help bust out if the destructive routine.
Make a full and sincere commitment to stopping before its forced on you when you kill someone on your way home.
You can do it. You say you want to. So do it. Starting now.
Your wife likely suspects, if not knows outright.
Best way to break the cycle; get honest. With yourself AND your wife.
Own up, stop hiding, get to AA at least as a way to help bust out if the destructive routine.
Make a full and sincere commitment to stopping before its forced on you when you kill someone on your way home.
You can do it. You say you want to. So do it. Starting now.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Biggest lesson I learned here is that "functional" is merely a stage, not a destination.
I couldn't agree with this more. I was functional for YEARS before I started to slip. Believe me, I NEVER thought it would happen to me. I have a great job, money, no DUIs, no public embarassment, etc. Yet, yet, yet. We understand what you're going through, and we are here to help. Take care.
I couldn't agree with this more. I was functional for YEARS before I started to slip. Believe me, I NEVER thought it would happen to me. I have a great job, money, no DUIs, no public embarassment, etc. Yet, yet, yet. We understand what you're going through, and we are here to help. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome, Stewie, to SR.
You will hear many stories here from people who were highly functional . . . until they weren't. A DUI, an auto accident, a serious health event, a lost career, a shattered relationship and the list goes on and on.
As you see from the above responses, SR is a great place for support, encouragement and understanding. Glad you found us.
You will hear many stories here from people who were highly functional . . . until they weren't. A DUI, an auto accident, a serious health event, a lost career, a shattered relationship and the list goes on and on.
As you see from the above responses, SR is a great place for support, encouragement and understanding. Glad you found us.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Stewie.
It takes a great deal of wasted time and effort to live a double life, and what you describe seems infinitely painful to me. Drinking the way I did made me well suited to live out a fantasy in which the truth was a lie, and lies were the truth; in which I made up my reality as I went along, and in which I was only superficially impervious to the general rules of reality, the very seeds of my self-destruction. (A "wilderness of mirrors," as described by the legendary, colorful, and notoriously paranoid former CIA Chief of Counterintelligence, James Jesus Angleton, during the Cold War in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, and who was the sole architect of his own inevitable and monumental demise.)
I was most certainly living in a fantasy world while I was drinking, though not the kind of fantasy people would voluntarily indulge in, all things being equal. While I spent years playing make-believe, the Earth continued to spin and life went on, but only for other people. I stood perfectly still while my life invariably slipped away from me. How do you put a price on losing your life while you're (only technically) still alive?
It takes a great deal of wasted time and effort to live a double life, and what you describe seems infinitely painful to me. Drinking the way I did made me well suited to live out a fantasy in which the truth was a lie, and lies were the truth; in which I made up my reality as I went along, and in which I was only superficially impervious to the general rules of reality, the very seeds of my self-destruction. (A "wilderness of mirrors," as described by the legendary, colorful, and notoriously paranoid former CIA Chief of Counterintelligence, James Jesus Angleton, during the Cold War in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, and who was the sole architect of his own inevitable and monumental demise.)
I was most certainly living in a fantasy world while I was drinking, though not the kind of fantasy people would voluntarily indulge in, all things being equal. While I spent years playing make-believe, the Earth continued to spin and life went on, but only for other people. I stood perfectly still while my life invariably slipped away from me. How do you put a price on losing your life while you're (only technically) still alive?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Stewie, I lived a similar life on the surface to what you describe in the OP, except that I did drink at home all the time because at some point I moved out on my own from the shared place with my partner of the time. I was also described as "cold and detached" by most people who tried to get to me. I did not perceive that life as very functional, especially relative to how I knew I could function before I developed the drinking problem (and now in retrospect even more). This image of "functionality" was what I kind of maintained, with herculean effort. It was so much more difficult to maintain that for years than quitting and staying sober, honestly. That "functional" alcoholic lifestyle was certainly the most difficult (and troubled) phase of my life, ever.
Speaking of truth, it was also a double life. All that stuff on the surface, and internally, including in my home, I pretty much lived the kind of fantasy life EndGame described above, out of touch with reality while the world had moved on.
It is possible to break the cycle at the stage you are at! You don't necessarily need to go all the way to the end where you have destroyed everything. From reading your post, I think I quit at a similar stage to your current one. Do it! NOW! You won't regret.
Speaking of truth, it was also a double life. All that stuff on the surface, and internally, including in my home, I pretty much lived the kind of fantasy life EndGame described above, out of touch with reality while the world had moved on.
It is possible to break the cycle at the stage you are at! You don't necessarily need to go all the way to the end where you have destroyed everything. From reading your post, I think I quit at a similar stage to your current one. Do it! NOW! You won't regret.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Wow! Harry Houdini would be impressed. Now what? you're obviously at the edge. I say jump but have a plan. The house of cards will fall (the lying) but it needs to--it's not real. Preparing for a hurt spouse would be a good idea. Also the length of time you've been in the game will make the body rebel (maybe see a Dr.). Getting sober always comes at the wrong time but if you don't seize this moment you might not get one like it for many years. I'm rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
For me functioning wasn't really living, it was more like surviving from one drink to the next, new habits can be formed but it will take a lot of planning and work, it can be done though!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR to do it!!
For me functioning wasn't really living, it was more like surviving from one drink to the next, new habits can be formed but it will take a lot of planning and work, it can be done though!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR to do it!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
