netta1966

I'm not living with my alcoholic spouse but I stil go by our house to visit our cat change his litter because my ah doesn't do it often enough. Sometimes I will pick up some food for him since his fridge is usually empty. I only go there when he's not home and usually it's once or twice a week. Me and an are on friendly terms but I have no intention of going back to him. He's still drinking and as far as I know he's not going to anymore AA meetings. Am I enabling him ? I know I'm co dependent but trying. I've been and still going to alanon. Used to do his laundry but stopped that. What's your thoughts on this. I know I need some good advice here cause I can't seem to slow down much on the worry. Thanks.

lillamy

Well, I'd say if he can't take care of the cat, he shouldn't have one.
And yes, I'd say that's big time enabling. You're doing stuff for him that he's totally capable of doing himself. I think that's sort of the textbook definition of enabling.

It was hard for me to think of my ex as an adult, because he didn't behave like one. I felt terrible guilt over leaving him, because I was all he had. He had no friends, nobody but me. Until I left. Then all of a sudden he had TONS of friends. And he was totally able to do all those things I always did for him (or find another woman who did it for him!) -- so there was really no reason at all for me to worry about how he was going to manage without me.

I've seen a couple of Salvation Army commercials on the net in the past few days. In one of them, a nice-looking dude in his 40s talked about how he went downhill and how he hit bottom. And he said "I sat there in a motel room. My kids wanted nothing to do with me. My family refused to take my calls. I had no friends anymore. That's when I realized it was up to me to change my life" (or something to that effect).

I don't know why his testimony hit me so hard -- but it was like I understood in a new way that all the time I was "helping" my ex, I was really just slowing down his downfall, and delaying his opportunity to hit bottom and get help.

I know it's hard. But you're not his mother. Even his mother wouldn't go change his kitty litter and stock his pantry if he was over 18.

0to60

What I have learned is that enabling is doing something for someone who is capable of doing it himself. What really scared me is when I was told that my form of helping was actually prolonging my loved one's addiction.........which was the last thing I ever wanted.

dandylion

netta....I think stocking his fridge is enabling. HOWEVER--in my opinion, caring for the cat is being responsible to one of God's creatures who can't help itself!
The cat has no vote or control. Domesticated, inside cats are dependent on us. You used the term "our cat"...which means that you adopted the cat, also, at one point in time.
I believe that when we adopt animals that we are responsible for them for the rest of their lives.

Why don't you just take the kitty back?

p.s.---if he can get drink--he can get food.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Quit with the food, and find other arrangements for the cat, even if it takes a while to organise.
Good for you on the laundry. Is he doing anything for you in return? Mowing your lawn, or handyman stuff?

netta1966

Unfortunately I can't take the cat with me because I'm living with my mom and she can't have pets. He loves that cat and I think he would take it harder if the cat left more than when I left. He's feeding him but doesn't clean the litter box out often enough. So I've been going once a week while he's at work and looking after Bentley(cat). But I won't be stocking the fridge because I don't want to continue enabling and it's not my job )

meggem

totally enabling but I had a huge slip on Monday so no judgements here. Good that you posted and got some feedback, you received some good insight. take the time that you are devoting to him and give it back to yourself. The cat I kind of agree with dandy

lillamy

Oh, no judgment here either. I bet I could win awards for my codependent behavior. I hope I didn't come across as judgmental. Because I certainly am in no place to be.