suncatcher

I had an alcoholic boyfriend for 5 years off and on. I was the codie who thought I could fix him and moved an hour away to work on myself and leave him to his own self destruction. Our relationship has shifted to friendship. When he was my abf I had too many expectations he could never meet and now being his friend I have zero expectations. Still last night I went to see him and watched him stumble around drunk and fall asleep in a chair in his garage. I felt a deep sadness for him. I know I will always love him but from a distance. I still wish I could fix him or at least help him but I know he has to want to help himself. These days I have peace and contentment in my life and I am grateful for that. Still there is someone I care about, an alcoholic, drinking and smoking himself into oblivion each and every day. I think I took so many things personal when I was with him. Felt ignored and unwanted when really he was just too drunk to show any kind of affection. I don't take anything personal now. I just know he is an alcoholic. I learned that the things I desperately wanted from him in a relationship were the things I had to give myself. Once I made that switch in attitude things changed for the better. Just felt like sharing that. I don't know how many of you remain friends with your ex alcoholic partners or if it is frowned upon. But I think it can happen and be a positive friendship once we are in the right mindset and able to see it for what it is. Thanks for reading.

hopeful4

Oh sun, I do understand. I coparent with my XAH, and try to still be friends. It's impossible not to care at all, but then again, I think it is part of my makeup to care about those around me, so that's ok.

Hugs....

Butterfly

You are both so much stronger than I could ever be, I can't imagine I will ever get to the stage where I can be friends with my separated ah. I don't even want to look at him at the minute he has hurt me so deeply and when I see him or he's outside picking up DS I either cry or feel like I am about to.

You are both amazing!!

suncatcher

Butterfly it takes time. I was deeply hurt by my xabf too. Many times. Then I moved away and worked on me for at least a year. I know I will never give him my heart again because I know he will just break it again and again. I just maintain a certain distance. We were never married and had no children together. It kind of always felt like more of a friendship kind of thing from the get go.

hopeful4

Butterfly, I do promise it gets better with time. My marriage has been over for a long time even though I have only been divorced a short time. I did have those same feelings you are feeling right now. My heart hurts for you b/c I remember what that was like.

I can only say there is light at the end of the tunnel.

((Butterfly))

ps...one last thing. Do you know how hard it is for some people to pour out their feelings like you do? Give yourself credit. I personally think YOU are amazing!

suncatcher

Butterfly, I think you are amazing too and have come so far. It's a process and a journey. Keep up the good work! Hugs!!

Newpathway

I left my husband 18 months ago because I was the drinker and he was not. Together for 10 years we had a strong emotional bond but as my drinking spiraled downward so did my perception that I was unhappy living with him as a blended family with 4 children under the roof. There was too much going on and I wanted a simpler and quieter life. I bought myself a house in the country like I always wanted and continued to drink though I wished I could control it. Then drinking made me physically sick. I stopped over 2 months ago and will never drink again. I am becoming my former self again and reacquainting myself with the healthy lifestyle I previously lived. My ex has been one of my greatest supporters and has comforted me through horrible panic attacks and other withdrawal symptoms. I'm so grateful for his continued love. I thought we were done ... divided assets etc. But we have found each other again and are creating a new reality together.

suncatcher

Hopeful4, thanks for understanding. Some may wonder why I still go around my exabf. It's hard to explain. I had to remove myself from the everyday chaos that is involved with living with an A. But it is hard to stop caring. I think we just have to make sure we are caring for ourselves the best way we can first. If you have ever heard "Breathe" by Anna Nalik, I think it describes what I'm feeling today. Anna Nalick - Breathe (2am) HD - YouTube

suncatcher

Newpathway, thanks for sharing your story. I'm so happy for you and I do think love goes a long way in the recovery process.

Slothy

I'm glad you are at a good place with ur xabf. I tried remaining friends but for me it produced the same misery and insecurity as I had when we were dating! What matters either way, is that we have peace! I miss my guy but I don't miss the heartbreak he produced! I'm so glad u have gained strength and perspective so he no longer breaks you!

suncatcher

It is just a fine line to love an alcoholic and want to help them then realize you can't help them but still care deeply for them and risk being swallowed up by their disease and be heartbroken all over again. Today was the first day I sat and cried about him in over a year. Maybe it is a mistake to see him? I know now to just back away and stay in my peaceful realm for a while. Thanks so much for letting me voice my feelings hhere. I'm glad to be heading off to work. I think I need the diversion and to be productive!

suncatcher

Slothy, I fear it will be the same for me if I let it. I know I have to be careful.

suncatcher

Actually thought I was doing OK until I listened to that song "Breathe". It triggered a lot of emotions I guess..stupid song! Lol its a beautiful song just one I shouldn't listen to today.

Slothy

Lots of hugs to u! Ironically I sobbed today after what I thought has been a strong 2 weeks of not speaking to my xabf! I realized this.....I want to be done with all the hurt, disappointments, lies, acts ofu nkindness and insecurities that I don't deserve. Unfortunately, it's part of our xabf's package and I felt these things even when our relationship turned into a friendship! It's not for me! And I don't want to see it breaking u as it did me trying to figure that out! Lots of love and support!

suncatcher

Hugs to you too Slothy! I don't want the heartaches anymore either and as much as I would like be strong enough to not be affected by him anymore I don't think it's going to happen. I think I am only setting myself up for more sadness. I am sad for him. It's heartbreaking to see him an unkempt mess slumped over in a chair passed out. I just wanted to hug him and put him back in his bed and tell him to stop doing this to himself. But I left quietly.

Butterfly

Suncatcher firstly brilliant song, it's one of my favourites, secondly you should be proud of how well you managed today. You care about him deeply and I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to see him that way but you left quietly, didn't be all codie and looked after yourself. Maybe your not ready as you say but you showed incredible strength today by putting yourself first. Could you have left quietly a year ago??

Butterfly

Thank you hopeful and suncatcher for your kind words, hopeful sometimes I think I pour my feelings out too much but it's like when I come on here I can't stop until it's all out lol.

It is reassuring to know that I won't always feel this way, it's exhausting!!

Newpathway I am glad you and your H are reconnecting again, my H left me 7 months ago so he could drink, didn't want the constraints of marriage and wanted to do what he wanted, said he was unhappy but didn't know why, he wanted to drink and I wanted him to get help, he's spiralling and very depressed, I do care deeply for him and love him but he has to do this alone Anyway, congratulations on your sobriety.

Oh and suncatcher go easy on yourself! Tight hugs

suncatcher

Thanks Butterfly. I couldn't have left him like that a year ago. It is progress. But I still get these twinges of codieness at times. Just have to reel it back in! Thank you so much! So many good folks here and nice to know we have each others backs!

Christopher1

Sorry I don't have the answers as am new to this and wouldn't attempt to comment : what struck me about your post though was the statement you made; that you learnt you could give yourself the things you kept hoping he would give you-that is so powerful and a huge ,healthy change in thinking-from helplessness to personal power: I love that-thank you.

Christopher1

[QUOTE=Christopher1;4934137]Sorry I don't have the answers as am new to this and wouldn't attempt to comment : what struck me about your post though was the statement you made; that you learnt you could give yourself the things you kept hoping he would give you-that is so powerful and a huge ,healthy change in thinking-from helplessness to personal power: I love that-thank you.[You are doing good.