EMMI

Hello. I'm in desperate need of some advice. My husband came home drunk in July and proceeded to tell me he cheated on me with a coworker. Over the next several weeks his drinking became more excessive than ever. That's when I realized he had a problem. He had left the house and during these weeks we were supposed to be trying to figure out what to do. He continued to drink and see this other woman. Finally I called him and told him how hurt and angry I was and he agreed to go to rehab. He did inpatient for about 20 days and is currently continuing his outpatient rehab. He also is home with me now. Now that work started back up he's acting strange again. He is now saying that he doesn't know what he wants and he just wants to be alone. He says he feels so guilty and ashamed for what he did (and he's not drinking which was his way of numbing everything). This week I told myself to just "be still" and give him space. My heart is in pieces and I want to work on our marriage. How do you deal with alcoholism and an affair??

jryan19982

Him working on the alcoholism is the first step of possibly working on your relationship. I dont mean to sound harsh, but he needs to kick this alcohol thing before the work on the marriage starts. Once he has kicked it, I think you will find that the marriage work has already started. I know that makes very little sense, but be a little patient and just try and connect with him in subtle ways. Dont over do it, maybe tell him you are proud he is doing a good job.

Aellyce

Well I'm not proud of this but I was the person with whom some others had affairs in the past. My experience and general perception is that it's often quite similar to "drug seeking" or "thrill seeking" when people get into these affairs, especially people who have addictions and compulsive tendencies in parallel. There is a lot about novelty, and experiencing something different... and to "get high" on these experiences.

I agree that the most effective way might be if your husband focused on his recovery from drinking now, as primary concern. People usually experience a roller coaster of emotional states and thoughts after getting sober, for a while. Sadly, this often affects relationships. I imagine how difficult this might be for you. I have never been on your side of the situation but from what I gather, it may be best for you to focus on yourself for a while, get support for you, and keep communicating with him.

You sound like a respectful and supportive person, your husband is lucky!

MsJax

From personal experience, just for practical purposes: please go get tested for std's. It is so scary when a partner has been unfaithful. You sound so tolerant and accepting. Please don't sell yourself short by allowing infidelity in your life. You are far more worthy.

Anna

So you want to work on the marriage and your husband says he wants to be alone and doesn't know what he wants. That's a tough spot and I think that I would tell him to come back if and when he decides that he wants to be married. Are you willing to wait while he is on the fence?

FreeOwl

it's a pretty complex issue....

I've been that husband.

For me, alcohol certainly played a huge part in the underlying factors that led to my having an affair. My inability to maturely express what was missing for me in my marriage, combined with my then-wife's inability to express her own needs, combined with our poor marital dynamics were all just leading us gradually down the road to drifting apart more and more. My use of alcohol as a self-medicating agent only made matters worse.

When I owned up to it and tried working on it, cutting off the affair (eventually)... I was still not even beginning to acknoweldge my alcohol dependence. Though she stayed and "tried" - she had been understandably deeply hurt, and was unable to really process or deal with what had happened or really to forgive.

For my part, I was unable to really be empathetic and deeply, honestly look at what I needed to change and do in order for her to forgive. I needed to selflessly put aside my unhapiness with the marriage to first heal the wounds I'd imparted with the affair and then get back around to the issues between us that precipitated it. Because I continued drinking throughout this whole time (over the course of many years, this went on.... trying to recover from that affiar), it just never worked. I don't know if it WOULD have worked had I gotten sober back then, but I'm betting there would have been a lot greater chance.

As it was, our efforts stretched on for nearly 7 more years until the marriage became impossibly strained and we were both sorrowful and depressed and hopeless to repair it. (and both still drinking).

Bottom line - from my own experience I am sure that I did my 'best' to try and heal our marriage... but my 'best' wasn't good enough because I wasn't at that time honest about the dynamics. Had I put aside my original dissatisfaction, gotten sober, made an intense effort to help her deal with the pain I'd brought, and THEN engaged with her together in a re-energizing effort to save our marriage by addressing both our needs together.... who knows what may have happened. I think it could have been a success.

So... I think you're in a really challenging place and unfortunately you remain in a position where you have to decide whether to wait and see what he decides. That's a lousy position to put someone in. I can assure you, he doesn't even see it right now. He is too caught up in his own self-pity. That can take a long time to clear away. If he is legitimately getting sober, then that will no doubt help. In my experience - even after I admitted my wrongs and said I'd end the affair - I went on in a place of confusion and indecision and strung it out for several more months before I actually called it completely off and focused on 'trying' in my marriage.

I wish you strength.... I know how awful this place you're in is.

ghostdad

I think you need to make up his mind for him. Tell him to get out and go to his other woman and your not ever going to settle for second place. He can't have both. I think you need to stick up for yourself and show him you will not tolerate him disrespecting you by bringing another person into your marriage.

FreeOwl

That's probably pretty good advice.

If nothing else, it gives you the chance to deal with the fallout you're feeling now and will continue to feel without further daily anguish of his indecision and odd behavior.

Right now, bottom line I would say do all you must do to take care of you. From what you've described, I doubt your husband is going to be in a position to offer you much support or the emotional attention you need and deserve for a while.