Greetings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Greetings
Hello all!
I've been on here before but as I'm sure you can all relate I wasn't successful in stopping my alcoholic ways. I trying to give it another go. I'm so tired of the hangovers.... of the constant cravings.... of the broken deals I make with myself to control my drinking.... of piecing together the events of the night before....
I'm a high functioning alcoholic. I never miss work over it as I have a system to control the hangovers during the week. I make sure I get enough sleep and pound back some water and tylenol before bed. I drink anywhere between 4-7 drinks weeknights but weekends I can drink a lot more and I do! One or two drinks is not feasible because once I start I don't want to stop until all the booze it gone. I'm a home owner, my kids are in sports, I have a good loving relationship. He is not an alcoholic although he does drink, just rarely more than 3 or 4.
I've been drinking alcoholically since I started drinking as a teenager... always to excess. It runs in my family. I can find a million and one excuses/rationalizations to drink... it truly is a sickness in my mind. I want a different life for myself. I wish I wasn't this way. I want to overcome this sickness and be the person I want to be! I don't know if I can.... I've tried so many times. I find a way to justify my behaviour, a reason I deserve to drink, I tell myself that it's not a problem, I will control it, I make deals with myself each morning and break them by the afternoon. It's a vicious cycle.
I've been on here before but as I'm sure you can all relate I wasn't successful in stopping my alcoholic ways. I trying to give it another go. I'm so tired of the hangovers.... of the constant cravings.... of the broken deals I make with myself to control my drinking.... of piecing together the events of the night before....
I'm a high functioning alcoholic. I never miss work over it as I have a system to control the hangovers during the week. I make sure I get enough sleep and pound back some water and tylenol before bed. I drink anywhere between 4-7 drinks weeknights but weekends I can drink a lot more and I do! One or two drinks is not feasible because once I start I don't want to stop until all the booze it gone. I'm a home owner, my kids are in sports, I have a good loving relationship. He is not an alcoholic although he does drink, just rarely more than 3 or 4.
I've been drinking alcoholically since I started drinking as a teenager... always to excess. It runs in my family. I can find a million and one excuses/rationalizations to drink... it truly is a sickness in my mind. I want a different life for myself. I wish I wasn't this way. I want to overcome this sickness and be the person I want to be! I don't know if I can.... I've tried so many times. I find a way to justify my behaviour, a reason I deserve to drink, I tell myself that it's not a problem, I will control it, I make deals with myself each morning and break them by the afternoon. It's a vicious cycle.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome back to SR, zenchaser. So much in your post rang a bell for me. Broken deals and promises made with myself, high functioning, etc. (My alcoholic drinking didn't start untilmlater in life, though).
Glad you have decided to give sobriety another go. You CAN do it, zenchaser.
Did you use a program to get sober last time?
Glad you have decided to give sobriety another go. You CAN do it, zenchaser.
Did you use a program to get sober last time?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I used group counselling through a private addiction center but quickly found a way to justify not needing it.
Right after I left my husband I was in one on one counselling but I was such a disaster that in some ways drinking was the only way I could cope.
A year late I started AA and I stayed sober for over 3 months. I found the God part hard to swallow and also I felt like it was very shame based and at that time in my life I'd just left an abusive marriage and didn't feel like I had a whole lot of apologizing to do to anyone. The moral inventory is where I stopped. I didn't need to be picking apart my already fragile self esteem.
Two years ago I attended Women for Sobriety and had another brief stint of sobriety and I liked the methodology but again I found reasons to go back to drinking.
Once I'm back in the cycle it's like I'm mostly just unconsciously, habitually carrying on the behaviour. I've been doing it for so many years that it's become my reality. It's what I do. But every so often I wake up from it and I can clearly see how toxic and bad it is for me and my family. When I meet people who have given up for long periods of time and I feel their energy I'm so envious of it! I want that too!
It's hard for me to admit that I'm sick. The drinking is making me sick. No one should be consuming the amounts of alcohol that I am. I can drink from early afternoon till 3 or 4 in the morning no problem! I do it every weekend. Plus I drink most weeknights as well. A normal person would be puking and dying but I carry like it's nothing.
Right after I left my husband I was in one on one counselling but I was such a disaster that in some ways drinking was the only way I could cope.
A year late I started AA and I stayed sober for over 3 months. I found the God part hard to swallow and also I felt like it was very shame based and at that time in my life I'd just left an abusive marriage and didn't feel like I had a whole lot of apologizing to do to anyone. The moral inventory is where I stopped. I didn't need to be picking apart my already fragile self esteem.
Two years ago I attended Women for Sobriety and had another brief stint of sobriety and I liked the methodology but again I found reasons to go back to drinking.
Once I'm back in the cycle it's like I'm mostly just unconsciously, habitually carrying on the behaviour. I've been doing it for so many years that it's become my reality. It's what I do. But every so often I wake up from it and I can clearly see how toxic and bad it is for me and my family. When I meet people who have given up for long periods of time and I feel their energy I'm so envious of it! I want that too!
It's hard for me to admit that I'm sick. The drinking is making me sick. No one should be consuming the amounts of alcohol that I am. I can drink from early afternoon till 3 or 4 in the morning no problem! I do it every weekend. Plus I drink most weeknights as well. A normal person would be puking and dying but I carry like it's nothing.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
A plan would be good. I picked a date, tapered, joined SR, found the secular forums, read of RR and AVRT, stopped drinking on june 11th and have been here every day since. It did have to become first priority come hell or highwater and that came from nearly drinking myself to death. I also attended AA in the beginning but not so much right now. I do credit SR for having more info and experience than any one place I could go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I haven't had a drink since Sunday. My plan is to not drink! To be honest I feel ******.... tired, headachy.... when I woke up this morning my first thought was that I had a hang over and then I remembered that I didn't drink yesterday. My hands are a bit shaky when I pour a drink (of juice! lol). I've openly talked with my best friend and my boyfriend about trying to take a month off drinking. I think setting that small goal is where I'd like to start. One month. But I know that the reality is that I need to give up for good. I can't control it... that is a lie that I'm telling myself. I've been perusing this site and found the secular version of AA that you mentioned. I think I can get behind it. I'm at step 1! haha For the next month I'll be using the AA motto "One day at a time."
Congrats on almost 4 months of sobriety! I admire you for it!
Congrats on almost 4 months of sobriety! I admire you for it!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome back, zenchaser! I can relate to a lot of what you posted...high functioning, a system to control it...it's exhausting, isn't it? I'm only 2 weeks sober and so far, I've found a lot of support and understanding here. I'm sure you will, too. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
It's great to see you zenchaser. You sound fed up with the way things have been. I was disgusted with myself at the end of my drinking career. It was never fun anymore - just a terrible habit that only brought me misery. Time to let it go - and get free. You can do it! Congratulations on your sober days - things will get better & you'll feel alive again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Welcome back Zenchaser
It's really hard when you're conflicted.
Have you heard the parable of the two wolves?
Maybe it's time to feed the good wolf?
D
It's really hard when you're conflicted.
Have you heard the parable of the two wolves?
One evening, an elderly
Cherokee brave told his
grandson about a battle that
goes on inside people.
He said "my son, the battle is
between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is evil. It is anger,
envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.
The other is good.
It is joy, peace love, hope serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."
the grandson though about
it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather:
"which wolf wins?..."
the old Cherokee simply replied,
"the one that you feed"
Cherokee brave told his
grandson about a battle that
goes on inside people.
He said "my son, the battle is
between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is evil. It is anger,
envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.
The other is good.
It is joy, peace love, hope serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."
the grandson though about
it for a minute and then asked
his grandfather:
"which wolf wins?..."
the old Cherokee simply replied,
"the one that you feed"
D
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