No More Mrs. Nice Guy lol
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
No More Mrs. Nice Guy lol
I used to feel SO sad for my husband. He hates himself for his drunken behavior and failings as a son, brother, husband and father. I would hear him cry drunk tears and my heart would break.
Now, it's not so cute anymore. He's been drinking for over a week now. During that time, he's called me raging, called me crying, and called my parents and his parents. I don't answer the calls. I had my parents block him. I've blocked him too, but he is still able to fill up my voice mail. I listened to one today and it was basically him lamenting his situation, and how he can barely stand living with himself, and if it weren't for the kids, he'd kill himself. Oh yes, and he left a nice one when I wouldn't answer about how he met a hot blonde (I laughed out loud at that one).
While he's been wallowing in self pity, I've been working full time, and commuting three hours every morning and two at night. I'll be doing that for the next month or two until I secure work closer to my parents' town. I found a nice place for me and the boys. They are signed up for new schools. My mother and sister and I are putting a positive spin on the move for the kids, but to be honest it broke my heart to tell their schools they wouldn't be coming back. More damage in daddy's wake. We've moved so many times because of alcohol. Given up routines, friends, and schools.
That changes NOW. I am taking control back. If I have to work 12 hour days to give my boys stability that is what I'll do. This time there won't be a "Daddy's feeling better and making promises, let's move to X and hope daddy can stay sober." No. Never again.
I'm out of feeling sorry. You know who I feel sorry for? Me. Not really. I'm actually fortunate to have two gorgeous kids and a supportive family and a good job. I'm fortunate that I can move us into a new place.
He is a bad dad. I'm not going to argue that with him anymore. I used to say "But you ARE a good husband/dad." I was lying to both of us. You know what he said to me the other night? "You told me you'd only slept with two men, I don't believe you!! I'm going to sleep with this new girl I met." This time I didn't cry or beg. I said "GO FOR IT!!!"
Now, it's not so cute anymore. He's been drinking for over a week now. During that time, he's called me raging, called me crying, and called my parents and his parents. I don't answer the calls. I had my parents block him. I've blocked him too, but he is still able to fill up my voice mail. I listened to one today and it was basically him lamenting his situation, and how he can barely stand living with himself, and if it weren't for the kids, he'd kill himself. Oh yes, and he left a nice one when I wouldn't answer about how he met a hot blonde (I laughed out loud at that one).
While he's been wallowing in self pity, I've been working full time, and commuting three hours every morning and two at night. I'll be doing that for the next month or two until I secure work closer to my parents' town. I found a nice place for me and the boys. They are signed up for new schools. My mother and sister and I are putting a positive spin on the move for the kids, but to be honest it broke my heart to tell their schools they wouldn't be coming back. More damage in daddy's wake. We've moved so many times because of alcohol. Given up routines, friends, and schools.
That changes NOW. I am taking control back. If I have to work 12 hour days to give my boys stability that is what I'll do. This time there won't be a "Daddy's feeling better and making promises, let's move to X and hope daddy can stay sober." No. Never again.
I'm out of feeling sorry. You know who I feel sorry for? Me. Not really. I'm actually fortunate to have two gorgeous kids and a supportive family and a good job. I'm fortunate that I can move us into a new place.
He is a bad dad. I'm not going to argue that with him anymore. I used to say "But you ARE a good husband/dad." I was lying to both of us. You know what he said to me the other night? "You told me you'd only slept with two men, I don't believe you!! I'm going to sleep with this new girl I met." This time I didn't cry or beg. I said "GO FOR IT!!!"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
That's the first really big fuzzy warm fat grin I've had on my face all day.
You, my friend, ROCK.
I hope you give yourself credit for that.
And while you're working 12 hours and all that jazz -- don't forget to take care of yourself. You're important.
You, my friend, ROCK.
I hope you give yourself credit for that.
And while you're working 12 hours and all that jazz -- don't forget to take care of yourself. You're important.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
My RAH (of 44 years) and I are currently separated, at my request. I'm having to deal with all the family fallout, which is prodigious. Last week I entertained both of his out-of-state sisters who came just to make sure he was ok and I wasn't being "unfair." Today he actually said, in a email,
"I'm beginning to realize that this may be harder on you than it is on me."
Geez--- ya think????
They really are clueless. Good for you for realizing YOU'RE the one this is hardest on. All he has to do is... what they always do. Look out for number 1.
"I'm beginning to realize that this may be harder on you than it is on me."
Geez--- ya think????
They really are clueless. Good for you for realizing YOU'RE the one this is hardest on. All he has to do is... what they always do. Look out for number 1.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Good Job.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
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1. Making sure the family has a permanent place to live. Often Mentally ill persons will want to move and/or change jobs often, running from the illness and failures to cope. The WS must affirmatively and unequivocally put a stop to this constant moving. If the WS has the finances, he/she should buy a house, put down roots, and deal with reality.
--------------------
Lotta other stuff you are dealing with is covered in that link, too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
------------------
1. Making sure the family has a permanent place to live. Often Mentally ill persons will want to move and/or change jobs often, running from the illness and failures to cope. The WS must affirmatively and unequivocally put a stop to this constant moving. If the WS has the finances, he/she should buy a house, put down roots, and deal with reality.
--------------------
Lotta other stuff you are dealing with is covered in that link, too.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You have come such a long way, Emmy. Seeing this kickass mom steamrolling right over the BS is so uplifting. I needed a smile today, and this did it. Keep going! Your boys will look to you and all women as capable, confident rockstars because of your example. Way to go!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Feeling SAD for them gets old, it keeps US trapped.
Congratulations, take care of yourself.
Congratulations, take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I used to feel SO sad for my husband. He hates himself for his drunken behavior and failings as a son, brother, husband and father. I would hear him cry drunk tears and my heart would break.
Now, it's not so cute anymore. He's been drinking for over a week now. During that time, he's called me raging, called me crying, and called my parents and his parents. I don't answer the calls. I had my parents block him. I've blocked him too, but he is still able to fill up my voice mail. I listened to one today and it was basically him lamenting his situation, and how he can barely stand living with himself, and if it weren't for the kids, he'd kill himself. Oh yes, and he left a nice one when I wouldn't answer about how he met a hot blonde (I laughed out loud at that one).
While he's been wallowing in self pity, I've been working full time, and commuting three hours every morning and two at night. I'll be doing that for the next month or two until I secure work closer to my parents' town. I found a nice place for me and the boys. They are signed up for new schools. My mother and sister and I are putting a positive spin on the move for the kids, but to be honest it broke my heart to tell their schools they wouldn't be coming back. More damage in daddy's wake. We've moved so many times because of alcohol. Given up routines, friends, and schools.
That changes NOW. I am taking control back. If I have to work 12 hour days to give my boys stability that is what I'll do. This time there won't be a "Daddy's feeling better and making promises, let's move to X and hope daddy can stay sober." No. Never again.
I'm out of feeling sorry. You know who I feel sorry for? Me. Not really. I'm actually fortunate to have two gorgeous kids and a supportive family and a good job. I'm fortunate that I can move us into a new place.
He is a bad dad. I'm not going to argue that with him anymore. I used to say "But you ARE a good husband/dad." I was lying to both of us. You know what he said to me the other night? "You told me you'd only slept with two men, I don't believe you!! I'm going to sleep with this new girl I met." This time I didn't cry or beg. I said "GO FOR IT!!!"
Now, it's not so cute anymore. He's been drinking for over a week now. During that time, he's called me raging, called me crying, and called my parents and his parents. I don't answer the calls. I had my parents block him. I've blocked him too, but he is still able to fill up my voice mail. I listened to one today and it was basically him lamenting his situation, and how he can barely stand living with himself, and if it weren't for the kids, he'd kill himself. Oh yes, and he left a nice one when I wouldn't answer about how he met a hot blonde (I laughed out loud at that one).
While he's been wallowing in self pity, I've been working full time, and commuting three hours every morning and two at night. I'll be doing that for the next month or two until I secure work closer to my parents' town. I found a nice place for me and the boys. They are signed up for new schools. My mother and sister and I are putting a positive spin on the move for the kids, but to be honest it broke my heart to tell their schools they wouldn't be coming back. More damage in daddy's wake. We've moved so many times because of alcohol. Given up routines, friends, and schools.
That changes NOW. I am taking control back. If I have to work 12 hour days to give my boys stability that is what I'll do. This time there won't be a "Daddy's feeling better and making promises, let's move to X and hope daddy can stay sober." No. Never again.
I'm out of feeling sorry. You know who I feel sorry for? Me. Not really. I'm actually fortunate to have two gorgeous kids and a supportive family and a good job. I'm fortunate that I can move us into a new place.
He is a bad dad. I'm not going to argue that with him anymore. I used to say "But you ARE a good husband/dad." I was lying to both of us. You know what he said to me the other night? "You told me you'd only slept with two men, I don't believe you!! I'm going to sleep with this new girl I met." This time I didn't cry or beg. I said "GO FOR IT!!!"
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
EmmyG,
Indeed you are clearly seeing the situation as you relay it here. You have grown and matured even when it may have been the harder path. You have truly become an amazing person and mother. I think this distance is going to buy you an incredible buffer zone, support system, and peace of mind. The commute for now is worth the trade off. I will pray you nail a super local job soon!
Indeed you are clearly seeing the situation as you relay it here. You have grown and matured even when it may have been the harder path. You have truly become an amazing person and mother. I think this distance is going to buy you an incredible buffer zone, support system, and peace of mind. The commute for now is worth the trade off. I will pray you nail a super local job soon!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Hi Emmy,
I used to respond to your posts a couple years ago. I think in some ways we are similar and had similar situations. I have two children, although not with my AX, but we once lived together as a family and had a family life together and all that. When not drinking, my AX was the love of my life, my best friend, and very remorseful and filled with guilt and shame like a little boy, and this broke my heart. Unfortunately, his drinking escalated to DUIs, criminal convictions, serious money problems, shameful behavior, and abuse of me. My AX also has mental health issues complicating his addiction, and of course an enabling family and overprotective mother who facilitates his self-pity and has her head firmly lodged up her hindquarters.
I'm an intelligent woman in my work life but apparently a moron when it came to AX. I'm a good mother, and providing a peaceful home and routines for my children is my biggest priority. I'm not a fan of instability. I like a comforting home and a community and being with family and friends--and being able to make my children stable and happy by having all that.
Well, you cannot have that with an active alcoholic. Now, my AX left me just over a year ago, having relapsed right when things were wonderful and had been stable/sober for almost a year. He baked a very elaborate and special cake for one of my children's bday a few weeks prior, and we did things like take the kids to a great vintage flea market and out to a creperie and other fun stuff. We spent our kid-free time on the weekends at the park, browsing funky used bookstores, cooking new ethnic food recipes, going to hip restaurants, and reading the New York Times in bed on Sundays. You know, the kind of things a faux hipster geek like me enjoys.
And then he relapsed and left me again, for the third time, leaving me in despair once again and it took me a year to pick up the pieces and enjoy my hobbies and everything again. And a few days ago, he emailed me out of the blue after a year, asking me to come back and telling me all of his stresses, financial problems, job loss issues, etc. etc. etc. And stupid me, my first instinct is to feel sorry for that poor lost boy who I loved so much.
I can't do it again. I have to save myself. I know I cannot live through yet another round of picking up the pieces, abject depression, putting on a brave face for the kids so they don't know how upset I am, rebuilding my dreams for my future, etc. Does part of me want to fling myself back in AX's arms? Yes! Does part of me feel deep sorrow and pity for the good man I know he can be when not drinking? Yes!
But I just love my stable life. And you are taking giant steps to create a wonderful, stable life for your children. Yes, it feels bad to move them from their schools, but you are providing them with greater stability and you can now STAY. Just stay, let YEARS pass, enjoy your new home and your kids' new schools, walk around with your head held high feeling like a great mom, making new friends, and leaving the chaos and agony in the past. As time goes on, you will forget the horrible past. Mostly. Peace will be the predominant feeling in your life. You'll be so happy to spend years coming home after work to cook dinner for your kids, help them with their schoolwork, watch them grow up happy and healthy, and fall asleep at night feeling safe and content. And you will meet a new man someday. A good one. And when your kids are grown, you and he will have the money and stability to enjoy traveling, seeing your grandkids grow and spoiling them, and thanking the lord that you chose the sane path.
You can't save your husband. Only he can save himself. And he may very well not recover, ever. In his state, he will only drag you and the kids down. Yes, it hurts to see him in despair, his life circling the drain. But that's the life he's chosen. The good news is, you also get to choose the life you want.
I used to respond to your posts a couple years ago. I think in some ways we are similar and had similar situations. I have two children, although not with my AX, but we once lived together as a family and had a family life together and all that. When not drinking, my AX was the love of my life, my best friend, and very remorseful and filled with guilt and shame like a little boy, and this broke my heart. Unfortunately, his drinking escalated to DUIs, criminal convictions, serious money problems, shameful behavior, and abuse of me. My AX also has mental health issues complicating his addiction, and of course an enabling family and overprotective mother who facilitates his self-pity and has her head firmly lodged up her hindquarters.
I'm an intelligent woman in my work life but apparently a moron when it came to AX. I'm a good mother, and providing a peaceful home and routines for my children is my biggest priority. I'm not a fan of instability. I like a comforting home and a community and being with family and friends--and being able to make my children stable and happy by having all that.
Well, you cannot have that with an active alcoholic. Now, my AX left me just over a year ago, having relapsed right when things were wonderful and had been stable/sober for almost a year. He baked a very elaborate and special cake for one of my children's bday a few weeks prior, and we did things like take the kids to a great vintage flea market and out to a creperie and other fun stuff. We spent our kid-free time on the weekends at the park, browsing funky used bookstores, cooking new ethnic food recipes, going to hip restaurants, and reading the New York Times in bed on Sundays. You know, the kind of things a faux hipster geek like me enjoys.
And then he relapsed and left me again, for the third time, leaving me in despair once again and it took me a year to pick up the pieces and enjoy my hobbies and everything again. And a few days ago, he emailed me out of the blue after a year, asking me to come back and telling me all of his stresses, financial problems, job loss issues, etc. etc. etc. And stupid me, my first instinct is to feel sorry for that poor lost boy who I loved so much.
I can't do it again. I have to save myself. I know I cannot live through yet another round of picking up the pieces, abject depression, putting on a brave face for the kids so they don't know how upset I am, rebuilding my dreams for my future, etc. Does part of me want to fling myself back in AX's arms? Yes! Does part of me feel deep sorrow and pity for the good man I know he can be when not drinking? Yes!
But I just love my stable life. And you are taking giant steps to create a wonderful, stable life for your children. Yes, it feels bad to move them from their schools, but you are providing them with greater stability and you can now STAY. Just stay, let YEARS pass, enjoy your new home and your kids' new schools, walk around with your head held high feeling like a great mom, making new friends, and leaving the chaos and agony in the past. As time goes on, you will forget the horrible past. Mostly. Peace will be the predominant feeling in your life. You'll be so happy to spend years coming home after work to cook dinner for your kids, help them with their schoolwork, watch them grow up happy and healthy, and fall asleep at night feeling safe and content. And you will meet a new man someday. A good one. And when your kids are grown, you and he will have the money and stability to enjoy traveling, seeing your grandkids grow and spoiling them, and thanking the lord that you chose the sane path.
You can't save your husband. Only he can save himself. And he may very well not recover, ever. In his state, he will only drag you and the kids down. Yes, it hurts to see him in despair, his life circling the drain. But that's the life he's chosen. The good news is, you also get to choose the life you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Hi changeschoices,
Thanks so much for that. I cried reading it. It is so very sad. The day before he started his last binge, he left me a message saying he had stocked up on groceries for the boys for the week and had bought some stuff for my place too. He came to our son's soccer game, and the week before that, he took us to Disneyland because we'd been promising the bosh for months. I remember in the early years of our marriage, he was my best friend. He's gone downhill so much. I don't know what part of it is down to his physical health. I do feel sorry for him and my heart breaks to see him this way.
But you're right, there is no stable life with him. I've left jobs in ways I regret, because there was so much chaos happening at home and I just couldn't tell my employer "Sorry, I was up until 3 am because my husband got drunk." We made friends, only to never call them again after he embarrassed himself with his drunken behavior. It's such an isolating way to live. I don't want that for my boys. I don't even feel lonely now, at all. It's so much better having the peace at night. I do worry about him, but you're right, I feel so much better about myself knowing I'm doing the right thing. I'm not going to let alcohol dictate my life anymore. It's sad to move away from him, knowing he doesn't do well alone. But I have no other choice now. I have to save my kids.
Thanks so much for that. I cried reading it. It is so very sad. The day before he started his last binge, he left me a message saying he had stocked up on groceries for the boys for the week and had bought some stuff for my place too. He came to our son's soccer game, and the week before that, he took us to Disneyland because we'd been promising the bosh for months. I remember in the early years of our marriage, he was my best friend. He's gone downhill so much. I don't know what part of it is down to his physical health. I do feel sorry for him and my heart breaks to see him this way.
But you're right, there is no stable life with him. I've left jobs in ways I regret, because there was so much chaos happening at home and I just couldn't tell my employer "Sorry, I was up until 3 am because my husband got drunk." We made friends, only to never call them again after he embarrassed himself with his drunken behavior. It's such an isolating way to live. I don't want that for my boys. I don't even feel lonely now, at all. It's so much better having the peace at night. I do worry about him, but you're right, I feel so much better about myself knowing I'm doing the right thing. I'm not going to let alcohol dictate my life anymore. It's sad to move away from him, knowing he doesn't do well alone. But I have no other choice now. I have to save my kids.
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