How do you forgive yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
How do you forgive yourself?
I just had lunch with a coworker who almost became a therapist and then decided not to. I think she might have missed her calling.
So I talked about the issues my kids are having, at length, and she listened, and then she said:
"The most important thing for you to do is to forgive yourself. Because as long as you don't forgive yourself, you will not be able to set boundaries, you will not be able to set an example, and you won't show them that forgiving yourself for your mistakes and moving on is an example to be followed."
I had a lightbulb moment. Yes, somewhere I am aware that I don't set the boundaries I should for my children because I feel guilty. Because they wouldn't be the little balls of misery and pain they are if I hadn't married/stayed with their father for as long as I did. So (and here's where my reasoning sort of goes off the rails) because I feel guilty, it's OK that they have unlimited internet time/eat ice cream for breakfast/swear and curse around the house/keep their rooms a mess/don't shower every day -- whatever it is that they're doing that I could set boundaries for.
I thought I wasn't doing it because I was weak. But that's not it. I'm not doing it because I feel guilty. I feel like I owe them something. And then I make bad decisions because I feel like I should make it up to them somehow.
Don't get me wrong -- I don't let the kids run wild around town at all hours; they're generally very good kids, but I let the little things slide, and then the little things sliding turn into a landslide.
So that's the insight part. The easy part (took me long enough though).
Now for the hard part: How do you go about forgiving yourself?
Help?
So I talked about the issues my kids are having, at length, and she listened, and then she said:
"The most important thing for you to do is to forgive yourself. Because as long as you don't forgive yourself, you will not be able to set boundaries, you will not be able to set an example, and you won't show them that forgiving yourself for your mistakes and moving on is an example to be followed."
I had a lightbulb moment. Yes, somewhere I am aware that I don't set the boundaries I should for my children because I feel guilty. Because they wouldn't be the little balls of misery and pain they are if I hadn't married/stayed with their father for as long as I did. So (and here's where my reasoning sort of goes off the rails) because I feel guilty, it's OK that they have unlimited internet time/eat ice cream for breakfast/swear and curse around the house/keep their rooms a mess/don't shower every day -- whatever it is that they're doing that I could set boundaries for.
I thought I wasn't doing it because I was weak. But that's not it. I'm not doing it because I feel guilty. I feel like I owe them something. And then I make bad decisions because I feel like I should make it up to them somehow.
Don't get me wrong -- I don't let the kids run wild around town at all hours; they're generally very good kids, but I let the little things slide, and then the little things sliding turn into a landslide.
So that's the insight part. The easy part (took me long enough though).
Now for the hard part: How do you go about forgiving yourself?
Help?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Wow. I have wrestled with this to the nth degree.
My mechanism is Christian:
I came to believe that God loves me unconditionally and read a letter CS Lewis wrote that said that if that is so, then not forgiving myself is a defiance to God and a failure to accept the grace he is freely giving.
My mechanism is Christian:
I came to believe that God loves me unconditionally and read a letter CS Lewis wrote that said that if that is so, then not forgiving myself is a defiance to God and a failure to accept the grace he is freely giving.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
How do you? Well for me I just got so darn tired of not forgiving myself. I got tired of being so harsh and hateful towards myself. Its not like I could get rid of me. I realized that by not forgiving myself I was holding onto all this self loathing, this feeling of being unworthy. And I was darn tired of it. So, I said to myself " self would you be kind and sympathetic to a friend or heck even a stranger who was going through all this?" The answer was yes. So, I said to myself " why not try being as kind to yourself as you would a stranger?" That was my turning point.
So, I said out loud " happy I forgive you. I forgive your weaknesses, I forgive your frailities, I forgive you for every failing big or small. I forgive you because I love you." And at that moment I let it go. Its not perfect. There are times when I am still to hard on myself but I am learning and getting better. Everyday.
Forgiveness is freedom.
So, I said out loud " happy I forgive you. I forgive your weaknesses, I forgive your frailities, I forgive you for every failing big or small. I forgive you because I love you." And at that moment I let it go. Its not perfect. There are times when I am still to hard on myself but I am learning and getting better. Everyday.
Forgiveness is freedom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
By accepting yourself as a perfectly imperfect flawed individual human. Ya know, like everyone else on the planet.
It sounds simple but I struggle with it too. My standards for myself are beyond unreasonable. Whatever your guilt is, I guess maybe you should hand it over to a higher power. You're carrying it around and what good is it doing you? It reminds me of the suitcase visualization that someone else on SR has shared before. I envision you carrying a GIANT suitcase filled with guilt. Let it go.
It sounds simple but I struggle with it too. My standards for myself are beyond unreasonable. Whatever your guilt is, I guess maybe you should hand it over to a higher power. You're carrying it around and what good is it doing you? It reminds me of the suitcase visualization that someone else on SR has shared before. I envision you carrying a GIANT suitcase filled with guilt. Let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know for me it was in those conversations I had in my head with myself, I needed to change those conversations. I needed to make a conscious decision to live in the present, even when the past still hurt. I needed to let go of what was in order to deal with what is.
When we know better we do better…….I can’t go back and change what I didn’t knew in the past I can only move forward with that knowledge today.
When we know better we do better…….I can’t go back and change what I didn’t knew in the past I can only move forward with that knowledge today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Oh, my beautiful friend! I have read your internal struggles about your children's suffering.
What, exactly, do you need to forgive yourself for? For their present-day suffering? Remember that we are all a product of a billion different experiences. Remember that their present situations stem from a multitude of different influences, not just your decision to stay married for longer than you now know you should have. I think as you identify and crystallize your idea of exactly what you need to forgive yourself for, the forgiveness might be easier. That has been my first step in forgiveness of others, too.
I know that I take on each of my children's challenges as my own, as attributable to my own behavior (gee...co-dependent much?!?). I am learning to approach those things with a more realistic perspective. There are many influences. Yes, my choices are a big influence, but my choices are not 100% solely to "blame" for a difficulty one of my children may have.
Like you, I need to forgive myself for staying in a marriage far, far longer than I should have. Not just because of the impact it is having on my children, but because of the impact it has had on ME. That said, I am trying to remind myself that at all times I have done the very best I could emotionally, with the emotional tools and coping mechanisms that were available to me at the time. And when I learned and could do better, I did better.
Staying mired in our past choices is, I think, our co-dependency flaring up again. It is a way for us to refuse to grow. It is a way for us to avoid focusing on ourselves today. It has the exact same result as putting all of our focus on our qualifiers--we end up ignoring ourselves TODAY. We ignore our gifts and our triumphs, and we ignore opportunities for growth by diverting all our attention to beating ourselves up.
Lillamy, you are a good person. I know this, because you have profoundly impacted my own life and my own recovery in a positive way. I know this because it is evident that when your emotional toolbox and coping skills got bigger, you did better for yourself and your kids. That process doesn't end. You are always growing and learning, and always doing better. Progress, not perfection. You will have bad days, and you will backslide. But remember how far you've come, instead of lamenting how very far you think you have to go.
Love you!
What, exactly, do you need to forgive yourself for? For their present-day suffering? Remember that we are all a product of a billion different experiences. Remember that their present situations stem from a multitude of different influences, not just your decision to stay married for longer than you now know you should have. I think as you identify and crystallize your idea of exactly what you need to forgive yourself for, the forgiveness might be easier. That has been my first step in forgiveness of others, too.
I know that I take on each of my children's challenges as my own, as attributable to my own behavior (gee...co-dependent much?!?). I am learning to approach those things with a more realistic perspective. There are many influences. Yes, my choices are a big influence, but my choices are not 100% solely to "blame" for a difficulty one of my children may have.
Like you, I need to forgive myself for staying in a marriage far, far longer than I should have. Not just because of the impact it is having on my children, but because of the impact it has had on ME. That said, I am trying to remind myself that at all times I have done the very best I could emotionally, with the emotional tools and coping mechanisms that were available to me at the time. And when I learned and could do better, I did better.
Staying mired in our past choices is, I think, our co-dependency flaring up again. It is a way for us to refuse to grow. It is a way for us to avoid focusing on ourselves today. It has the exact same result as putting all of our focus on our qualifiers--we end up ignoring ourselves TODAY. We ignore our gifts and our triumphs, and we ignore opportunities for growth by diverting all our attention to beating ourselves up.
Lillamy, you are a good person. I know this, because you have profoundly impacted my own life and my own recovery in a positive way. I know this because it is evident that when your emotional toolbox and coping skills got bigger, you did better for yourself and your kids. That process doesn't end. You are always growing and learning, and always doing better. Progress, not perfection. You will have bad days, and you will backslide. But remember how far you've come, instead of lamenting how very far you think you have to go.
Love you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thank you, all of you.
And Anvil -- why do you always have to come be the voice of common sense?
I haven't been to a meeting in a LONG time. I need to make that part of my weekly schedule and routine: Meetings, step work, and maybe even see if my sponsor remembers me (we've lived in different states most of our relationship).
And I've also noticed how I repeat behaviors (codie behaviors) in relation to my kids. I act the same way towards them (sometimes) that I acted towards AXH. Avoid conflict. Feel sorry for. Therefore, don't stand up for yourself. And then feel resentment towards them because I didn't stand up and set my boundaries.
I believe it might be the 354th time I say "Dammit, this recovery thing is life-long, isn't it?" and every time it's like a new insight. Some days, I think I must not be very bright.
And Anvil -- why do you always have to come be the voice of common sense?
I haven't been to a meeting in a LONG time. I need to make that part of my weekly schedule and routine: Meetings, step work, and maybe even see if my sponsor remembers me (we've lived in different states most of our relationship).
And I've also noticed how I repeat behaviors (codie behaviors) in relation to my kids. I act the same way towards them (sometimes) that I acted towards AXH. Avoid conflict. Feel sorry for. Therefore, don't stand up for yourself. And then feel resentment towards them because I didn't stand up and set my boundaries.
I believe it might be the 354th time I say "Dammit, this recovery thing is life-long, isn't it?" and every time it's like a new insight. Some days, I think I must not be very bright.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I got a lot out of that dang "inner child" therapy that I thought was so stupid at first. It shifted the ground I stand on. It helped me forgive myself, love myself, and offer myself the same compassion and understanding that I so freely offer others, and always denied to myself.
When everyone in the world is just an injured child, a kid that didn't get what kids need, and grows up empty, full of cracks and gaps and unmet needs, and anger and resentment about it, it's easier to have compassion, I think, to see the kid who was abandoned, and feel softer towards them. (From a distance! #nocodie #nocodie) It doesn't mean you have to DO anything about it, it just gives you a mindset to be more forgiving overall. In the case of my own children, it was easier to deal with them when I see their bad behavior as a set of unmet needs. I could be softer with them while I also set boundaries, and have some personal distance from the behavior by maintaining a big picture in my mind.
And H.A.L.T.! Turns out loneliness is one of the stronger things we contend with. I debrief with both of my kids daily, toddler and teenager both. My DD3 and I, instead of getting locked in the whining, "stop whining!" pattern, just ask for hugs now. It's sweet and kind of nice.
With DD15, we butted some heads earlier this year and last year and I just had to lay the law down. As the parent I had the right to make rules, and he had the right to not like them, but he still had to follow them. He had gotten really hyperbolic and accused me of abusing him and having a really gross and negative attitude against me because I limited his internet time -- and ironically it was his dad that decided the punishment! And he could complain to his dad, who made everything that much more complicated by agreeing that my rules were insane (they were not), but that did not negate our custody agreement, our living arrangements, or the rules themselves. In turn I conceded a few things I knew he wanted to show him that I care about his wants -- like free time outside of the house more often, which was no problem. But some things, like health, school, homework, and safety, are non-negotiable.
Some of that stuff? Pick your battles. It won't be ice cream and internet that breaks them. You did the big important thing, which was remove them from an alcoholic household.
When everyone in the world is just an injured child, a kid that didn't get what kids need, and grows up empty, full of cracks and gaps and unmet needs, and anger and resentment about it, it's easier to have compassion, I think, to see the kid who was abandoned, and feel softer towards them. (From a distance! #nocodie #nocodie) It doesn't mean you have to DO anything about it, it just gives you a mindset to be more forgiving overall. In the case of my own children, it was easier to deal with them when I see their bad behavior as a set of unmet needs. I could be softer with them while I also set boundaries, and have some personal distance from the behavior by maintaining a big picture in my mind.
And H.A.L.T.! Turns out loneliness is one of the stronger things we contend with. I debrief with both of my kids daily, toddler and teenager both. My DD3 and I, instead of getting locked in the whining, "stop whining!" pattern, just ask for hugs now. It's sweet and kind of nice.
With DD15, we butted some heads earlier this year and last year and I just had to lay the law down. As the parent I had the right to make rules, and he had the right to not like them, but he still had to follow them. He had gotten really hyperbolic and accused me of abusing him and having a really gross and negative attitude against me because I limited his internet time -- and ironically it was his dad that decided the punishment! And he could complain to his dad, who made everything that much more complicated by agreeing that my rules were insane (they were not), but that did not negate our custody agreement, our living arrangements, or the rules themselves. In turn I conceded a few things I knew he wanted to show him that I care about his wants -- like free time outside of the house more often, which was no problem. But some things, like health, school, homework, and safety, are non-negotiable.
Some of that stuff? Pick your battles. It won't be ice cream and internet that breaks them. You did the big important thing, which was remove them from an alcoholic household.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I felt guilty my sponsor used to say "feelings aren't facts". In other words, just because I felt guilty didn't mean I'd done anything wrong. A lot of it was perfectionism and being harshly judgmental with myself. I learned to lighten up on myself and others and realize we're all just imperfect humans doing the best we can.
Thanks for your post.
Thanks for your post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I do a breathing exercise, with each breath in, I say to myself ( not aloud) "Compassion for myself" Then with the exhale "compassion for others.
It takes awhile but it has made a difference.
It takes awhile but it has made a difference.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Idk, I think I'm still firmly in the 'judging myself' stage..... I Don't think I've really forgiven myself for much at all yet.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah, thanks for this thread everyone.
It took A LOT to realize I haven't forgiven myself...when all along I didn't think I had anything to forgive myself for.
Thanks to this place, I stood back far enough from my view of everyone elses problems to see how very angry I am at myself.
Thanks for the tips on forgiveness.
It took A LOT to realize I haven't forgiven myself...when all along I didn't think I had anything to forgive myself for.
Thanks to this place, I stood back far enough from my view of everyone elses problems to see how very angry I am at myself.
Thanks for the tips on forgiveness.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I stopped giving myself a hard time initially when I looked at what I was doing, and what other people were doing and asked myself "If I knew someone in my position, would I be judging them harshly?" and of course the answer was NO.
It's an inverted form of double standards and, unfortunately, I've found partners who were only too willing to indulge the more 'usual' form and were happy to blame me when things went wrong, too.
Courtesy of Robin Norwood's 'Women who Love Too Much', I now banish any self-castigating thoughts with positive affirmations, very quickly. I've come across one or two Alanon members who, sadly, would really beat themselves up and call it 'doing inventory'; unfortunately they DID adopt a similar attitude to others - and I just don't want to be around people like that.
My HP is a loving one and I'm sending you some loving (((HUGS))) over the ether.
It's an inverted form of double standards and, unfortunately, I've found partners who were only too willing to indulge the more 'usual' form and were happy to blame me when things went wrong, too.
Courtesy of Robin Norwood's 'Women who Love Too Much', I now banish any self-castigating thoughts with positive affirmations, very quickly. I've come across one or two Alanon members who, sadly, would really beat themselves up and call it 'doing inventory'; unfortunately they DID adopt a similar attitude to others - and I just don't want to be around people like that.
My HP is a loving one and I'm sending you some loving (((HUGS))) over the ether.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Florence, because I'm right now questioning everything (including my sanity on a daily basis), would you mind sharing with me what you feel are adequate and reasonable expectations of a 15-year-old? When it comes to personal things (hygiene, laundry, clean room) and interpersonal things (interaction with other family members)?
I feel like I've gone from being too slack to being ready to implement boot camp rules here -- you know, whistle goes off at 5 am and then it's a brisk three-mile run followed by being hosed off with the garden hose. (No, I'm obviously exaggerating, but that's what I feel like... like I'm not sure what's reasonable...)
I feel like I've gone from being too slack to being ready to implement boot camp rules here -- you know, whistle goes off at 5 am and then it's a brisk three-mile run followed by being hosed off with the garden hose. (No, I'm obviously exaggerating, but that's what I feel like... like I'm not sure what's reasonable...)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest focusing on all the things you're doing for them now. Make a list of all the positive things you bring to their lives (I'm sure it's long). Shift the focus from what you think you did wrong to what you're doing right. A shift in thinking can make big inroads in letting go of the past, letting go of guilt.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
