Blueskies25

Been a long time since I posted. I read on my iphone and it won't let me message or even thank folk for posts. Every time I come on to post it seems someone is going thru the same and I take the advice given. Or I try to! It is so sad that we are so many of us in the same boat with the same challenges whilst trying to forge ahead. My hugs to you all. I came here last year after discovering stbxah was an A ( I truly hadn't known - he claimed mental health), had committed theft, fraud, and had been physical with me (arrested and charged). He had had at least one affair whilst here and within days was within another relationship. He continued to text abuse etc and my children (dd3 and dd7 now) and I were supported by a local addiction charity with eldest daughter referred on for further counselling as disclosed that she had been left alone in the house by stbxah whilst I was at work and given calpol whenever I was out and sometimes forgot to feed her. Truly my life low point to know I had unwittingly exposed her to this. I put him out via homeless service. Got a lawyer. Police protected us and referred us to domestic abuse, we were assessed as high risk. He then left me alone for 6 lovely months and then then texted out of the blue to tell me was alone and had nothing as gf had dumped him. During the 6 months I had set up supervised contact at a contact centre and eldest refused to return after 1st visit and continues to refuse any contact even verbal. Youngest was attending every fortnight as agreed via mediator. As soon as his relationship ended he started to cancel visits and has not seen dd3 for 4 months now. I was weak and started having email contact as he claimed to be alone and destitute and threatened bankruptcy which would impact on the transfer of the house transfer into my sole name. Some of these were very emotional messages with him saying he would never recover form the loss of our family and marriage and me saying it was heartbreaking indeed and it had not been what I wanted but that it was for the best and the children are my number 1. I weakened further and sent him 2 food orders online and a couple of books on addition. He has been sending kisses on text etc which I have not responded to. I sent him a few photos of the girls as was nervous of him killing himself. sigh..... I then heard a vague rumour he was friendly again with the second woman he cheated on me with and I texted to say - without giving details - that I was bored of his fabrications and that the sep agreement was being sent as per our agreed guidelines. He told me he was lonely and unsupported and needed my support etc. I stated I only wanted to find a polite façade for the children if and when they chose to see him if he turned up at supervised contact. He has not even managed to phone himself since July as his phone was barred from outgoing calls so I have had to place all the phone calls (!!). He cancelled the last contact as said no money and then texted to say he had a new phone. I was v annoyed at his choice (I know!!) so didn't answer for a few days during which he sent countless emails and texts asking me to reply. I eventually replied to say only that the children were fine. He then sent more kisses etc and then the next day sent a message to tell he's back with his woman and she will be brining him to contact sessions, but this doesn't show me any commitment from him. He is due her quite a bit of money so good luck to her but she tended to publicly gun for me last time they were together - it was me who tipped him into drinking etc etc, he has rights to see his children yadda yadda. I just lay low. I have now decided that I am finally done with him on any and every level other than that which I am legally obliged to engage in. I am exhausted. But I am still standing and my children continue to blossom and thrive. Sorry to send such a miserable message. I truly regret ever having answered him at all when I was doing so well. I have stated to him that our own personal lives are not each other business so there is no need to send me any details. It's like lying for the sake of it? I didn't ever want a reconcillation as life is calmer and more loving without him but I am gutted and confused as I so thought he was trying to re engage to some level himself for my dds but he cannot seem to do this without gf to support him to get to sessions? He is 9 months in arrears with maintenance for the kids. He started antabuse last December but I suspect strongly from phone calls to youngest that there have been relapses - v v slurred and confused - and he claims to now be attending aa and support group but then has been sending messages during meeting times so I am doubtful now but none of this is anything to do with me right?? I am so regretful I got pulled back in. He texted again last night and I have blocked his number. I am sorry for such along ramble. I am sad sad sad today but also feel that although I am back to square one I have a clean slate as finally have no expectations of him at all. I no longer blame myself after some amazing counselling. I will get back up again and brush myself off. I have managed to keep our house myself and we are stable in every other way. I am disappointed in myself for trying to believe I guess. And breathe....

Cyranoak

Hi.

Try not to be disappointed in yourself- it's natural to try and believe in my opinion. That doesn't mean it's helpful or good, just that it's natural. Simply try and do something different next time (and I know from experience that simple isn't always easy). But, let me suggest this:

Suspect? You don't suspect, you know. You know. And you know it.

More than anything else, what was most important for me was to stop lying to myself. I was the only one that lied to me more than my alcoholic.

Take care,

Cyranoak

lillamy

Dammit, Cyrano, I've missed you. That right there just sums it up.

Steffi -- when we know better we do better. Or, as I like to say, when we know different, we do different. You've beaten your head against that brick wall again. It still hurts. I wish I could tell you I hadn't done the same thing.

Blueskies25

Thank you both so much. Food for thought. I need to do a lot more work on me. Back to the drawing board....

Hammer

jmho . . . I think your title said it all . . . .

"1 year on and I am finally thru with him"

Ok, then.

---------

ps . . . as for -- Mental Health v. Alcoholism/Addiction -- really, what is the difference?

Cyranoak

I got in trouble for being a ****. Took some time off to straighten myself out. Trying to be kinder and gentler.

M-

lillamy

Well, we are all from time to time. Glad you're back.