threegirlsjjj

Dated abf for seven years. Supported him through two rehabs and recovery. Relationship had its ups and downs...as any relationship has especially whe you throw alcoholism in the mix..after his release from second rehab he came out with the idea that our relationship was " toxic" for his recovery...even though we stayed together he never really fully engaged back into us. That was jan. Around march he started the picking fights, not answering phone, repeating himself when talking classic signs of him drinking... Friends mentioned their suspicions and when asked he denied... I felt him pulling back which made me angry and confused ..we got into an argument and he stormed out of my house..called everything off..said that our relationship was toxic to his recovery and he needed out...He will not answer any calls or texts from me. After seven years he's just cut me off. He called a friend of mine and she said he sounded drunk..but he insists he's working his program. I'm so hurt..and feel so alone. I feel that he has so much support through aa and sponsor etc ans I'm left here scratching my head... How can you be with someone for seven years and just cut them off?....

Kboys

I understand how hard it is to have given so much of yourself for so long and then to be cut off like that is very sad and very hard to deal with. I don't know how long he's been gone, but I would imagine he will come crawling back eventually. But do you really want him to?
I can't count how many times my AH, in a drunken rage, told me "This is it. We are over. I'm gone and I'm never coming back, blah blah blah." And then he would pass out and forget about it in the morning, or he would leave, and come back when he sobered up, or needed something. At first I would cry and beg him to stay, try to convince him how much I loved him and he loved me, but then eventually, I knew his threats meant nothing. I knew he would come back, so I just let him go, and at least I would have some peace for the night with my babies. But never the less, it still hurts like hell, I know!
I'm struggling with it now too. Hugs to you, and stay strong

Hammer

I see by your Join Date that you have been around a while.

Since you do not have him, now it is time to work on you?

Guess you follow if you have been around . . . we tend to work on us?

Not so much them, them, them, or him, him, him, or her, her, her.

Except when someone is joking then, we say hehehe. He-He? oh well.

On a good note, he may have done you a favor. Sure, it is still early to see that. From what I have observed it is often Far Harder to get rid or get distant enough from them to work on us when they are in the mix.

threegirlsjjj

Thanks for the responses. It has been just over a month. He originally said our arguments were causing him to want to drink so he needed to end things...then I hear from others they suspect he's drinking ..he has completely cut me off will not respond to calls or texts..it's so hard because this is a man I stood by...thought loved me.

KCrazy

To me, it is obvious that he's drinking... And that's the same reason he has cut off... He doesn't wanna hear it, doesn't wanna face u, he knows he's messed up again, let u down again... I speak from experience... Mine does the same thing, is doing the same thing... In fact, our stories are extremely similar... You've done everything you could do, more than anyone could/would expect, and then some... I've been living by the 5 G's of Alanon ever since I heard them and feel the need to share often:

1. Get off his back
2. Get out of his way
3. Give him to God
4. Go to a meeting
5. Get on with your life

I'm sorry... You just have to let him go

suki44883

You aren't standing in the way of his recovery, you are standing in the way of his drinking. He wants to drink, so more than likely, he is drinking. He can't do that around you though. So, he tells you that you are getting between him and his recovery.

It's a load of BS, and I think you know that. Bottom line is...he isn't done drinking.

threegirlsjjj

Thanks. Yes I know I need to walk away and not look back...I know in my head he has done me a favor, I just wish my heart and head could be on the same page.... Thank you for the responses it's so nice to know I'm not alone and others have dealt with this hugs

dandylion

threegirls......naturaly, it is going to take you some time to grieve the loss and heal.

I sure hope that you will consider alanon.....because, after spending 7 years with an alcoholic...you could probably use it....LOL!!
Seriously, though, we tend to behave in patterns and unless we do some self exploration and understand how we function in relationships...we almost always carry the baggage from one relationship into the next one.
Why not devote some time for yourself, right now? It could be life changing....
You m ight want to read "Co-dependent No More"...if you haven't already. It will probably really resonate with you, right now!

dandylion

threegirlsjjj

@dandylion thank you. Yes I have read co dependent no more and recognized more of myself than I'd like to admit! I plan on finding an alanon meeting as well

Thank you

dandylion

threegirls......YOU GO GIRL!!!







dandylion

HealingWillCome

Short answer: Alcoholism.

Remember that the alcoholic brain doesn't process rational thought. It protects the illness. So his choice to abruptly cut you off can't be taken personally. It's not about you. It's about his first love, alcohol. Trust your instincts and your friends...he's not in recovery, he's drinking.

I understand that your pain is real, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. Too many of us here have been through the same circumstances. If you can manage to fight through the betrayal and start to focus on this time as an opportunity for your own healing and growth, you can turn this into something really special and positive.

You've devoted 7 years to making his life better. What about your life?

Make a list of all the things you believe would make your life better. Then ask yourself how many of them you honestly have control over. (Hint: He's not on that list.) When you weed out the things that are beyond your control, make an honest assessment of what's left. How can you start to put your energy into those things you can control? (Hint: Al-Anon, therapy, getting to know yourself and what makes you tick, what makes you happy, and what needs work...those are all great places to start.)

Codependency relies on others' actions/behaviors/well-being to determine our own. Dang, girl, you're worth more than that. Why not start to honor yourself? You've done everything you can for him and he's proven he's not capable of reciprocating. At least not right now. The illness robs him of that. You are the sole individual capable of creating your own path to happiness. Maybe years down the road, he'll find himself healed, but where's the guarantee? (Hint: There isn't one. )

I had to make the decision to fight through the pain, and worry about healing myself independent of my xabf and his choices. It was hard and miserable at times, but worth it. As long as you're ready, your path is waiting. He may never choose to be healed, but you don't have to hang around and wait for that. It's really up to you.

Glad you're here! We're rooting for you.