honeypig

So my RAH and I have been together 20 years, married 18. There has been lying and concealment of one thing or another for about 16-1/2 of those years (he is sober 1 year, so far as I know). During that time, I clearly haven't known him for who he really is, since he's either hidden it or deformed it w/alcohol and lies. And he has not known me for who I really am, partly b/c he's been so busy w/keeping his own cover and partly b/c I've been hidden and deformed by anger and my efforts to force him to do things "my way."

This has been really p***ing me off lately, for some reason. Thought I had moved on past this part.

Then today I realized that he has no idea who he himself really is, and you know what? I don't really know who I am either. So much noise in the system for so many years.

If he asked me to marry him today, the answer would be no, even if he could guarantee we'd live soberly ever after. I just don't know enough about the guy, after 20 years together!

I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonesome. I'm worried. But yet, I'm kind of hopeful. Not that things will "work out", whatever the hell that even means. But that somewhere along the way, I'll figure out who Honeypig is, what she wants, what she's good at and what she needs.

May I have the strength and courage to keep on trudging. Thanks for the infinite amount of support you've all given me here. I'd have been lost long ago w/o you.

readerbaby71

I'm sorry you're struggling. I think you have gained a lot of clarity though. Figuring out who you are isn't easy.

Sending much love and strength your way. HUGS.

hopeful4

Isn't it amazing that one can feel this way after all of these years? I feel the same, like I am just figuring out who I am under all that hurt and resentment. And those feelings still like to creep up at times, just not nearly as much anymore thank goodness.

One thing I do know Honey, you are a kind, insightful, and inspiring soul. I am happy you are here!

SeriousKarma

Maybe a little bit excited too?

Prayers and hugs to you, my friend. I think you're going to find out that Honeypig is an amazing person.

Slothy

Once again honey pig..... A wonderful post! You've arrived at a place of self refection and discovery! It is an exciting time! The heartache and struggle that you went through and that we all are going through leads ultimately leads us here. I can only wish that we all get to this point and prat that all of our ex's get an opportunity for this healing and growth as well!

Wisconsin

Oh Honeypig...I'm sorry this is causing you angst, especially in light of how far you've come in your recovery. I agree that the self-discovery aspects can be exciting as well as intimidating. Therapy has been a huge part in my own self-discovery, but I have so far to go. One day at a time, my friend!

suncatcher

Honeypig, I relate to how you are feeling now. I was in a marriage for 22 years where I felt I had lost my identity. Then after my divorce was in a relationship with an A and felt so obsessed and enmeshed with him that I didn't know who I was. It was only when I found solitude by moving out in the country away from everyone that I started to find myself for the first time in a long time. I hope you can find some quiet peaceful place to just sort out your thoughts and reconnect with nature and your higher power and let yourself shine. I am with the others here, you are a caring, genuine and loveable soul. Your posts are insightful and helpful and I think you are on an exciting journey of self discovery! It's worth it. I'm glad I took the time to figure me out and SR has been a big part of that. Wishing you strength and clarity and peaceful sunny days ahead!

FeelingGreat

Honeypig, are you doing anything to advance your goal of finding out who you are and what you want? Or are you counting on it to happen naturally, like life happens?

FireSprite

I think it takes a LOT of courage to come to this kind of awareness. It's so simple to want to just slip back into that grey area that has provided such false comfort for all those years.

I've been thinking about your post since yesterday Honeypig, and trying to put myself in your shoes..... RAH & I have been together for almost 22 yrs., married for 20. The progressive slide into alcoholism & resulting problems (lies, manipulation, etc.) began about 6-7 yrs. ago & before that things were really, really wonderful.

I don't think I could be as open minded & patient about his recovery if I suddenly realized that something like 85% our time together, over more than 2 decades, was built on a web of lies. I have a hard enough time with my own % being close to 30%... that's a LOT of sacrifice made IMO when I step back & consider just exactly how much time I am allotted on this Earth to be happy.

I believe in you Honey, you have provided some great insights & inspirations to me & so many others here at SR... I don't doubt for one second that you will find your Authentic Self underneath the rubble of who you *thought* you were. I can't wait to keep reading about your discoveries as you continue on in your Recovery!

TerpGal

Honey, I am so sorry you are going through this right now, but for the little time I have been here, your posts have been so helpful and given me so much insight. You will figure it out. I don't think I've ever known who I am. My growing up years were spent in fear and trying to please my A father. Then the bullying and sexual abuse. I became what others thought of me and its been that way since, further enforced by RAH in his active use. I'm on the same journey right now, trying to find me.

SoberLeigh

Great Opening Post, honeypig, and heartfelt responses.

I know I have mentioned this before but I don't venture into Family & Friends very often as (as an alcoholic) it is a very bitter pill to swallow to see and hear about the wreckage alcoholism causes in the lives of loved ones.

Nonetheless, I am very glad that there is a Friends and Family forum at SR. The F&F contributors show extraordinary strength and resilience in the face of painful adversity and challenge. Learning how you struggle and knowing the overwhelming singularity we play in the root of your struggles is instrumental to our recovery.

I think that I can safely say that I speak on behalf of all alcoholics here when I say I am sorry.

lillamy

Noise in the system. Absolutely. And putting him before you. I've had to re-learn what I like, what I don't like, and I'm in the process of rediscovering what makes me happy.

It's somewhat heartbreaking to realize that you've lost yourself. But you can find yourself again. For me, reconnecting with people who knew me before I met AXH was helpful. Just to hear people say things like, "You were always so..." and "I remember how happy you were when..." -- helped me remember that I was a person before I met him, and believe I could reclaim that person.

lizatola

Hi Honeypig, just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts today. I completely relate to what you posted. I remember telling my AH a while back that I didn't know who I was anymore and he looked at me incredulously and said, "Well, you're my wife, a mother, and a good citizen." Hmmm, that's it? That's what I really am?

So, what I realized was that so much of my identity was wrapped up in how other's saw me and in how I was an extension of my husband and my marriage. I don't feel that I married too young, 25, but I think I had a lot of maturing to do and that I never really developed a boundary system or a checks and balances system for my own life. That left me dependent on others to tell me who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Be grateful today that you are seeing this and that you are aware. Awareness brings action so that you can start discovering who you are: whether your marriage succeeds or not. So grateful that you are here with us, too, hugs!!

honeypig

Oh, you guys--you make me cry. What a lot of truly wonderful folks are here! I am so blessed to have you all.

It's going to be a bit before I am composed enough to answer.

Right now, just thank you. Thank you all so very much.

HopefulinFLA

While you're trying to figure out who Honeypig is, may I start your list of qualities for you?

#1 You are an honest, sensitive, insightful poster on SR, and I for one really appreciate your thoughts and input!

xoxo

schnappi99

Recovery is interesting... I seem to be becoming more complex. A lot of what I thought about myself seems to have been inherited without much evolution from the 17yr old schnappi. Its not like I'm becoming someone other than myself but the "myself" is a lot more sensitive and complicated than I thought. Certainly a whole lot more so than I've been the last few years while I was amping up my codependency and depression.

honeypig

Again, thanks so very, very much to all of you who've posted here and offered support. I'm deeply moved by the caring you all showed. I don't know that I have ever experienced anything like it, quite honestly. And quite honestly, I don't feel myself worthy of it. And that in itself says something about what I need to work on, doesn't it....

Suncatcher and Carlotta, thank you both for your suggestions about attending a retreat, spending some time in nature, or otherwise finding quiet time and space for myself to unfold in. I think you're both right and this would be very helpful. I'm sure there is something that would be a good fit if I look around a bit, and I will.

Feeling Great, regarding your question about whether I'm doing anything to work towards finding out who I am or whether I'm waiting for it to show itself naturally, like life happens--I guess my answer would be a little bit of both. I read recovery books, both Alanon and others, I attend f2f meetings, and of course I have SR. I really do try to "practice these principles in all my affairs." But you know, it seems there's a fine line between working towards something and forcing it, between "letting it unfold" and slacking off. I struggle w/which side of the line I'm on a lot.

FireSprite, you are so right about how easy it would be to slip back into the grey area of false comfort! And I wonder if that's exactly what I had started to do for a while...Thanks so much for your thoughtful post.

Lillamy, yes, I feel like I'm learning what I like and don't like, what I'm better at than I thought and what I'm worse at than I thought, for the first time. Some of it is not a surprise. Some of it IS!!

Hopeful in FLA, thanks for starting a list for me--I think maybe I really should begin a list and let that be the first entry!

I see now that when my A and I first got together, we were both very damaged, frightened individuals, hoping to somehow wall out the world and make our own safe place. I ignored all kinds of red flags, wanting only to be saved, not knowing that no one could do that but me and not understanding that isolating myself from the world was not the way.

From "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses", this jumped out at me: The healthier we become, the more we will begin to attract people who will love us for who we are, not how we have suffered. How I hope this is true.

I have a lot to think about in this thread. Thank you all so much for your kindness, your insights, your thoughts, and most of all just thanks for letting me know you're walking beside me when I get a little scared or lost.

ENORMOUS GIGANTIC HUGE TREMENDOUS

((((HUGS))))

CodeJob

You are genuinely kind HoneyPig.

Also sometimes it is just nice to reverse the map. Think about planning a trip to Walt Disney World. There is so much to do there let alone Orlando that you have to decide what you don't want to do. It helps narrow it down quickly. I bet if you looked at your life and recovery efforts you've bumped around enough to have a general idea of what you like to do, what is at your core, and some dreams worth working into reality...

As for scrapping a 20 yr relationship, it is hard to almost start over on some Windswept rocky mountain.

Mags1

Hi Honeypig, lovely post, FireSprite has a point with ' how much time we have allowed on earth to be happy', very poignant.

I was the drinker in my relationship and I noticed one thing you said about knowing each other for years but not knowing each other any more, or that is my interpretation, sorry if I got it wrong.. I said to my husband the other day, 'I dont know you or me, it's like I've only known you a few months' I've woke up.
Sometimes waking up to reality is hard but life is out there, it's not a dress rehearsal.x

spia

Same here honey!