rochy12

Why I'm here
I found out my then boyfriend wAs using 1 1/2 years into our relationship. Sure I found some signs here and there but there was an excuse. I am so nieve to the whole drug world I believed him. It was soon my brother opened my eyes along side my cousin (who then eventually became obsessed) soon I broke things off. He then tried getting clean (with my cousin) after that failed attempt I stepped in and we started going to drug treatment. This is after about 5 other attempts at drug treatments in his past. Needless to say I took him back. I feel a little co-dependency on my part. I was sick of battling these 'other' women and I wanted to be the savior. Treatment lasted a month. He did not return as one day a fellow recovery user have him a ride back to work and offered him a needle full of cocktails! He had support his parents, boss, a few friends, myself. We basically hibernated for months. My relationship with my family suffered as they did not agree with my choice. He even got rid of his phone for 6 months to get away from that life. He was doing good.

We then got married. It was more for medical reasons, I had the insurance and wanted to get him all 'fixed'. More co-dependency. There wasn't a wedding. I told no one... Not a friend or family member. We paid his BFF to become ordained signed the proper papers and in the mail they went. At that point I was transferred at work to a new location so I then put up this happy married facade. He then got a new job. Making great money but the support system started to fail and he got a new phone with the same phone number.

He relapsed. This is now summer of 2012. One year after I became aware. I now knew the signs. Well he soon lost the 'new' job and the stress I was now under. We got a diagnosis that he may have testicular cancer. I eventually started making numerous mistakes at work, you know the ones that are ur everyday routine but for some reason your brain quit functioning and I soon lost my job. We were both jobless and he recovered from his relapsed but his drinking became out of control. We had such a bad fight one night that he ended up at his parents and with the help of his mom, he started going to aa. I was very reluctant, I started to go to al-anon. He stayed at his parents for a while, I went with him to aa. We were then coming together to get the bills paid. We both taking side jobs. Working together.

He then got a job at a large company making great money. It is now holiday 2012 and he quit going to aa (too tired after work) I still wasn't working and his drinking starts up. But not out of control. But of course I was livid, blaming the friend he was with when he began drinking again.

It's now Feb. 2013. He relapsed. I could tell but my sister assured me he was. I haven't spoke to my brother in 1 1/2 years. And maybe have seen my parents 6 times in that durAtion. I got a job. And as summer approaches I start getting sick. I am now on his medical ins. And it had been diagnosed that he did not have cancer but scar tissue causing problems from and injury 15 years prior. I had left him 3 different times because our marriage is out of control. He does what he wants when he wants. It's now sept. 2013. His relapses comes and goes. He's controlling it more. My health is terrible dr. After dr. He has manipulated me each time I left him 'I will change'. The last time was oct. 2013 and I said not until we go to marriage counseling. So we met there. It was an introduction. Our first 'real' appt was 3 weeks away. I remember wondering how I was going to get through til then. Our fights were terrible. He quit giving me any money for bills or MORTAGE ...making me beg on the floor like a dog just to get a few 100$. Counseling comes around and he does not show up. I figure well our marriage is over. He claims he did not like the guy so I told him to find one. He did but manipulates me and said I wasn't treating him right so we can't go. Meanwhile his accusations to me are out of control. We fight everyday,

He now gets a job working for the city! Amazing job and benefits. But refuses to add me. Fortunately I was able to get on at my work but basically my medical issues search starts over. It is now dec. 2013 and I find out he's been having numerous affairs. And these women are horrible to me. I try to get him to leave. He won't. He says he won't ever cheat on me but I'm done! However I have no money to file as he still won't give me money. I present an eviction notice, he tore it up. I can't turn to my family for help

I then start finding out what is wrong with me. I did dodge the breast cancer but not the ovarian cancer. Along side with endometriosis and fibroid tumors. On top of this I discover that along with his cheating came long term consequences. I am now 'til death do us part now' I can't go have another relationship or I be alone. I just pray that my cancer spreads and I am relieved of my misery.

It's now May 2014 and my brother dies. To which I have not spoke to for 2 1/2 years. My family is in termoil. I can't die now, I can't do this to my parents. My mom finally figures out what is wrong with me. As summer is here my husband is gone every weekend. He complained about me working weekends so I took many off...he's gone. Drinking all night. The fighting gets alittle lighter but I have so much going on my grief, my health. And he's high 4 to 5 times a week. I'm really getting good at noticing his habits. Of course I can't talk to him about if as he shuts down. Or he just leaves for days. My medical bills are piling and he started giving me 500$ a month... Not even 1/2 the MORTAGE.

I go have surgery in August 2014 and I choose to stay at my parents while I recover. The stress at my house would never allow me to recover. My house is piled with 1/2 finished projects. Projects he starts when he's high and looses interest when he comes down. Same with his hobbies.
While recovering I did not see or speak to him for 3 weeks. Saw him once and then not again for 2 more. I just was able to drive 2 weeks ago and have been back and forth from my house to my parents.

I sign up yesterday as I went out to the garage and he had something consealed in his hand trying to hide under a box. I knew what it was. See in July I found 6 meth pipes stashed in the garage. Just 4 days ago he was out in the garage and comes in calling me a snoop. He was high and so the next day I saw the areas where I found the pipes all rummaged through. I also found one more pipe. So yesterday I try to reason with him. I tell him he doesn't need to do this, he's better than this, I am here to help. He said he wasn't going to use anymore so I said ok let's go through it away together. He said no and for me to leave. I told him I wasn't stupid as he would use as soon as I left. I then said well let's get high together. He just manipulated me saying I wasn't giving him respect when he asked me to leave. So I did. He then returned from the garage, I feel he was upset with himself because the sadness and guilt he had. We did not speak. I then told him he needed to leave as I did not want this in my house or in my life. I told him I would support him and help him. But basically by him asking me to leave...he choose using drugs over me and our relationship. He comes home last night as though nothing happened. Telling me of all he did. I made a comment and his reply was 'o you turned the light switch again and are going to start misbehaving' I knew then to just keep my mouth shut and wonder what to do. See I have never caught him in the 'act' as I did yesterday so it chAnges dynamics a bit. Today as I reflect, he has no feeling. He has completely numbed all feelings for me. He hasn't told he he loves me In gosh 6 months. Doesn't care about doing anything at the house. Did not care that I was gone for 2 months recouperAting but only that I wasn't home to do his laundry and to cook. He has not given my any money since July. He did pay the water and electricity while I was gone as they were going to be shut off. He shows no emotion but to get upset with me. After my surgery I told him that when I come home things need to change as we can't live the way we were. It was so unhealthy. I get no response to that. He just tells me I haven't changed and that I put out no effort. And how I'm not cleaning the house and anything else he can find to tear me down. I stay up stairs in my room the last week I have been home as he has boxes all over the house that I can't touch or move. He is completely checked out. He has come and gone all weekend. And this is where I'm at today.

hopeful4

Wow. You have been through a lot. I hope your surgery was a success and that you have a successful recovery from that. Why do you think you cannot be with anyone else or be alone? And at this point, being alone sounds like it would be a blessing. You sound very controlling of him. He has made it clear he is going to use. Meth is very very hard to kick. You offered to do it with him?? Goodness.

I would say you need to get yourself to a Naranon or Celebrate Recovery meeting as soon as you are able so you have face to face support for YOU. You say you served him w/an eviction letter? Are you on the deed or lease yourself? If so, have it served to him and when the time comes, out he goes.

Until then, can you go stay w/your family? You sound very emmeshed into this relationship, it does not sound healthy at all. He is not showing you any respect, nor any love. You deserve so much more than that.

Good luck to you. Keep posting here at SR. There is great support here.

XXX

irisgardens

It sounds like things are really really hard...welcome here.

I hope your surgery went well.

rochy12

Thank you @ hopeful4.

You said I sounded controlling? What made you think that?

It is my house, my MORTAGE. I gave him papers in February and he tore them up.

I guess I don't want to be alone my life. And due to his cheating he left behind a token for me...he gave me the rest of my life. That I will not pass to another.

He won't leave. I have tried and asked. He has just destroyed my house. I know that he does not want to leave as he has so much junk he would have to pack. And why should he leave...he has a revolving door...and I do nothing but enable and support his behavior.

I can't leave as it would be me abandoning my house then he would be entitled to having it.

You are right I need to get to a group. Or I will never recoup from my own health issues.

hopeful4

I don't think you are at all controlling about the house. Have him legally served, and if he will not leave, have him removed from YOUR property.

How is being with a man like this better than being alone? It sounds like you have some sort of support with your family, if you reach out to meetings you will find a support system for yourself that you need.

I do think you sound like you are trying to control his recovery. He has to want that for himself, and it's clear he does not. You are willing to go away with him in the hopes he will leave it, you said you would use WITH him when clearly you are not even a user. Those are desperate behaviors that will leave one person hurt, that is YOU.

You need to turn all of this energy you are spending on him and put it on YOU. Your mental and physical recovery. Taking back your life and your home.

You are in my prayers.

AnvilheadII

seems like he has brought nothing but misery to your life. getting married so you could use your insurance to FIX HIM was a bad idea. staying married so you won't be alone is a bad idea. you need to be surrounded by safe sane healthy loving people so you can get well and stay well.

he's a user and an abuser. and that means he's using you. time to put a stop to it all. the SAVE HIM experiment failed. miserably.

now it's time to SAVE YOU. you ARE worth it.

zoso77

Rochy...

Welcome to the Board.

The longer you hang around here, the more you will come to appreciate AnvilHead's brand of honesty:

She knocks it out of the park with her comments. And I bet if you're honest, you'll admit that, too.

We're here to lend you support and give you hope. And my hope for you is that you start taking care of you.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. And please accept my sincerest condolences for the loss of your brother.

Yogagurl

Very, very sorry to read your story but very grateful you are telling it and you are reaching out for support. I got married for similar reasons - all the red flags were there, but I went through with the whole relationship thinking my stability could bring stability to his life. So, I sympathize. I hope that you can break away from your husband who, from what I read, stashes meth pipes and other things behind your back. He's trying to hide his drug use which means you have no idea what's really going on - lies are toxic for any relationship. As far as the abuse goes, no one should be treated poorly. No one should be abused by another human being. I defer to a post Anvil shared -


Personal Bill of Rights (Thanks, Anvil)